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Tue Jan 3, 2012, 08:39 AM

Anyone ever been in a 12-step group that voted to exclude someone because they were disruptive?


I belong to a 12-step group where there is this one woman who is repeatedly rude,
insensitive, often shares about events in her private life that have nothing to do with
the group (such as her social life), doesn't follow the format of the group, etc. Last meeting
I went to, she said during the meeting, "Sue (the chairperson), this woman here,
(indicating the woman sitting next to her), is from So-and-so Island!"

Members have sometimes spoken to her individually about some of her behaviors, but
the group never has.

I'm not the only person bothered by this woman; I've heard numerous other complaints.

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Arrow 27 replies Author Time Post
Reply Anyone ever been in a 12-step group that voted to exclude someone because they were disruptive? (Original post)
raccoon Jan 2012 OP
LiberalAndProud Jan 2012 #1
raccoon Jan 2012 #2
NMDemDist2 Jan 2012 #3
oldhippydude Jan 2012 #4
raccoon Jan 2012 #5
demosincebirth Jan 2012 #7
Tippy Jan 2012 #11
NMDemDist2 Jan 2012 #12
Tippy Jan 2012 #13
Rhiannon12866 Jan 2012 #15
Tippy Jan 2012 #17
Rhiannon12866 Jan 2012 #18
Tippy Jan 2012 #23
Rhiannon12866 Feb 2012 #25
NMDemDist2 Jan 2012 #19
Tippy Jan 2012 #24
cally Jan 2012 #22
Iggo Jan 2012 #6
Rhiannon12866 Jan 2012 #8
raccoon Jan 2012 #9
Rhiannon12866 Jan 2012 #10
Tripod Jan 2012 #14
Tripod Jan 2012 #16
irisblue Jan 2012 #20
Tripod Jan 2012 #21
ismnotwasm Feb 2012 #26
raccoon Feb 2012 #27

Response to raccoon (Original post)

Tue Jan 3, 2012, 11:55 PM

1. I might know her.

Maybe not. But the person I'm thinking of ... I imagine that she might behave this way in a meeting ... needs help. She is lost and afraid and feels desperately alone. It may be that your group isn't the right place for her. I hope she finds that place soon.

She is the reason I visit this DU group. I know that I am powerless to confront her addiction, but I need to understand the recovery process.

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Response to LiberalAndProud (Reply #1)

Wed Jan 4, 2012, 08:18 AM

2. This woman I know has other issues too. I think too she might be real lonely and


that's why she talks about her personal life in the group.

But she has a boundary problem and she's rude.

Don't think it is the same person--you are a long ways off from me.




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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Wed Jan 4, 2012, 11:32 AM

3. is she alcoholic or addict? or is this another 12 step program

AA and NA and CA's traditions state the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking (using) and with that in place we 'live and let live'

I have had two occasions when we had to exclude someone but each time it was because the person was a danger to others. That's the only reason it's ever been used to my knowledge.

Other disruptive people are handled by the chairperson who cuts them off (hopefully with love) asking them to stay after the meeting if they need to discuss off topic issues. Or by the chairperson before the meeting asking two older members to stand by in case they need to take the person outside should the meeting go too far off track.

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #3)

Thu Jan 5, 2012, 06:48 AM

4. thats classic 3rd tradition stuff..

when the become a danger to others .. then something is done.. i have seen some very disruptive people become valuable members over tthe years.. there is more athan a kernal of truth with the observation that when you point a finger 3 are pointing back..often i need to look at my prejuduices rather than somones behavior..

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #3)

Thu Jan 5, 2012, 08:55 AM

5. This is Al Anon. (But this woman is/was in AA as well. ) nt

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Response to raccoon (Reply #5)

Fri Jan 13, 2012, 03:37 PM

7. I thought it was in AA. Al-Anon different story

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #3)

Mon Jan 16, 2012, 01:13 PM

11. Have a question

I am Alanon...but have family/friends in other groups...heard something earlier today about NA...was told NA contributes to the problem of using better off going ot AA can somone help me out on this...as I said I am Alanon but have not kept up with the program...I have somone who needs help...

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Response to Tippy (Reply #11)

Mon Jan 16, 2012, 05:20 PM

12. many addicts like AA

after all, it's the "Big Daddy" of all 12 step groups.

it's sometimes hard to find solid long term recovery in NA, in AA it's all around

that might be what the comment was about

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #12)

Tue Jan 17, 2012, 09:57 AM

13. Thanks for your reply

comment came from a long time AA...NA...Reason for my concern is my daughter recently began attending meetings...Was shocked by what I was told...

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Response to Tippy (Reply #11)

Thu Jan 19, 2012, 06:51 PM

15. A lot of the folks I've met in AA are crossed addicted

So they go to both groups, or choose the one they feel more comfortable with. Most of them focus on the alcohol when they're in AA, but AA is pretty "inclusive," as it says in the literature. Anything that works for people is fine, IMHO. I've also been to Alanon and it sounds like you're in the right place. I met some wonderful people there, most of them long-timers. Let us know how it's going...

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Reply #15)

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 08:22 PM

17. She began Treatment Monday evening....

But only going 4 hours a day...I believe she needed in-house, but will wait, see and pray for the best...

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Response to Tippy (Reply #17)

Thu Jan 26, 2012, 04:15 AM

18. That does sound promising, though I don't know how she feels about it.

But if it's four hours a day, it does sound fairly intensive. What I mean is whether she wants to be there and is willing to accept help. That does make a lot of difference, though the programs I'm familiar with are impossible to skate through. If she needs to detox, inpatient probably is better, but if she's ready to makes the changes she needs to make to get better, this is a good first step. And it also depends on the program, of course, and if she's willing to work it. Let us know how it's going for both of you.

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Reply #18)

Fri Jan 27, 2012, 10:38 AM

23. She wants her kids back...she wants to be a mom again...

I think she was almost detoxed before she began the program...Her main problem is (friends)...as long as she continues to pick losers for (friends) she is in danger of slipping...Her best (friend) (drug buddy) just got her kids back from state custody, a month and a half back. I just keep asking myself...can't she see where she is headed...She had the best significant other in the world...he kept her clean, they really loved each other. He had a heart attack and died in her arms and it has ben down hill ever since, major depression set in..she was treated by a Dr. but I guess it was not enough she began self medicating. I think if she would just quit blaming others. I don't know, I am rambling..thanks for your reply, life really sucks righ now.

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Response to Tippy (Reply #23)

Sun Feb 5, 2012, 04:57 AM

25. I understand, Tippy, and my heart goes out to your daughter.

Her loss has probably been unbearable for her and the reason for her self medicating. Hopefully, the doctors can give her some better and safer options and she can find some sympathetic and supportive women in the program. That's a story that we hear a lot, continuing to hang out with using "friends" can bring us back out. She needs to change everything before she can begin a real recovery, people, places and things, starting with associating with those who are still active, since they aren't true friends at all.

If there are any women's meetings that she can attend, that would probably be her most helpful option. It's because of the suggestions and support that I got in my women's meeting that I learned how to get and stay sober. There's a lot of help out there for both of you, AA and Alanon, that I never realized existed until I needed them. Hang in there and let us know how it goes...

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Response to Tippy (Reply #17)

Thu Jan 26, 2012, 10:55 AM

19. it's a start Tippy

and remember you can't make her stop and you didn't make her start

whatever happened in the past, it's her decisions TODAY that count, and they are HER decisions. you don't have any power over them.

love her, pray for her, keep going to your meetings but remember, you are powerless of her addictions

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #19)

Fri Jan 27, 2012, 10:43 AM

24. Being powerless leaves litle for me to do except pray...and worry..

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Response to Tippy (Reply #17)

Fri Jan 27, 2012, 10:09 AM

22. These type of treatments work well

because the person has to deal with real life issues during treatment. I wouldn't judge the treatment chosen based upon whether it's in-house or several hours a day. i suspect the treatment also requires AA meetings to integrate them into the program when rehab is done.

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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Mon Jan 9, 2012, 01:25 AM

6. Oops.

I just saw that it's an Al Anon meeting. It's my personal belief that addicts shouldn't tell Al Anon people how to act, and my policy is to refrain from doing so.

Sorry about that.

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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Sat Jan 14, 2012, 02:28 AM

8. I think I know her, too...

I've attended several groups with her, including Alanon. She's been to AA, too, but can't say she's an alcohol or addict because she isn't. She has no sobriety date because any experimenting she's done with anything was so many years ago that she doesn't remember. She seems to come to these groups just to socialize or be with other people and tends to go on and on about her past experiences, having nothing to do with the topic or addiction. She suggested that each of us be allowed to share for 20 minutes. *sigh*

I know she has problems, but her cringeworthy and repetitive epistles have caused a lot of resentments in pretty much any group she's attended. She also gets really angry and offended if/when anyone tries to cut her off. People decide not to attend anymore and her behavior caused at least one group to break up.

I tried to be friends with her, loved her dog, but I just couldn't take it, since she got worse and worse. She expected me to drive her places other than meetings and would call me and talk till my arm fell asleep. Just seeing her now causes me to feel panicky.

Thank you for letting me get that out, LOL. I didn't realize this bothered me so much. I think it's up to whoever is leading the meeting to firmly shut your woman down, but I know that this is easier said than done, since it's been up to me and subtlety just doesn't work.

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Reply #8)

Sat Jan 14, 2012, 10:10 AM

9. Gosh, that sounds a lot like this woman.

This woman has mental issues, but I think a lot of the time she is just plain RUDE.


"She seems to come to these groups just to socialize or be with other people" --I think this
woman is doing that too.



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Response to raccoon (Reply #9)

Sun Jan 15, 2012, 12:04 AM

10. I'm sure it's not the same woman, LOL, but they do sound a lot alike.

The one I know also has mental issues and went on medication, but it seemed to make her even more clueless and unaware of how other people were reacting to her. And she's rude, too, interrupts and insults other people. She tends to make scenes.

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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Thu Jan 19, 2012, 04:53 AM

14. There is a time and place tor this.

Some people need a lot more help then can be given in this type of room. Some of them have more needs then this. This is a great place for me to deal with my addiction, and most of life issues. But in my opinion, not every one belongs here.

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Response to Tripod (Reply #14)

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 04:42 AM

16. Nice post Tripod

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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Thu Jan 26, 2012, 06:55 PM

20. nice post tripod nt

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Response to irisblue (Reply #20)

Fri Jan 27, 2012, 12:29 AM

21. I thought it might be funny! n/t

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Response to raccoon (Original post)

Mon Feb 6, 2012, 05:05 PM

26. Well

My home group is in a first step hall with quite the reputation. We occationally have violence, drug dealing or fencing (not in my home group which is the best in the world) at the steering committee for the hall we take a group conscience. We will 86 anyone who has been violent or engages in illegal activities as we have a zero tolerance policy. We do this for one year. The person has an opportunity to come to the steering committee meeting to make amends, and describe how the behavior will stop. Sometimes this works very well.

What you're talking about though we usually do a one on one like you've described. Folk with problems other than alcoholism or drug addiction tend to not listen. Where I'm from somebody will eventually either cut them off or tell them to shut the fuck up. Not kind I know, and it is not the best solution---usually

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Response to ismnotwasm (Reply #26)

Tue Feb 7, 2012, 07:47 AM

27. Thanks. THis woman has said she's bipolar and has had an eating disorder. She was


also in AA but then decided she wasn't an alcoholic and it was ok for her to drink a glass of wine. (Which is
for her to say)

But she is also just plain RUDE.


Thanks for what you said. I'lll discuss this with other members.







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