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Fri Mar 23, 2012, 01:17 AM

90 meetings in 90 days?

I used to believe that was absurd. Tracking back to Monday, I've been to two F2F and three online meetings. And, I'm going to talk to my manager about changing my schedule at work so I can have more evenings off. I don't for the life of me understand why there are no meeting at 3am, but since the rooms are open in the evening, I'm going to find more evenings.

Yep, Old Codger, I'm in the pink cloud right now. I know it won't stay like this.

But hey, I got out of the way of the addict and he just declared to the world that he's an addict (refused to admit that when I was doing all the nasty things that landed me in nar anon) and he's went into inpatient treatment today! Of course, I have read plenty about how it doesn't always stick but there's always hope and in the meantime, I am working my tail off to help myself get well. The addict has his own higher power and his recovery is his/her/its job, not mine.

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Arrow 9 replies Author Time Post
Reply 90 meetings in 90 days? (Original post)
tavalon Mar 2012 OP
Tripod Mar 2012 #1
tavalon Mar 2012 #4
irisblue Mar 2012 #2
tavalon Mar 2012 #3
irisblue Mar 2012 #5
tavalon Mar 2012 #6
Old Codger Mar 2012 #7
tavalon Mar 2012 #8
Tripod Mar 2012 #9

Response to tavalon (Original post)

Fri Mar 23, 2012, 03:09 AM

1. You talk in riddles.

Is that how your mind works? Sometimes mine also.... Next my mind will exploid, then the world spins so fast that I fall off. WTF

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Response to Tripod (Reply #1)

Fri Mar 23, 2012, 12:13 PM

4. No, I just don't tell the whole story each time

After the 50th time, it gets hard. So I say what's going on right now, and right now learning what's mine to own and what's his to own and yours to own, that's my current learning curve.

The nasty things I mentioned are all the standard thing families of addicts do, we beg, we plead, we cry, we manipulate, we rage, we enable and cloth and feed and lose our minds. I lost mine in less than three months. But actually, I was slowly going insane, it just took the addict to slam me to my knees. And since I was on my knees, I prayed to my higher power and I haven't stopped since.

You think I write a lot of posts? You can't imagine how much Evelyn (my higher power) has to listen to.

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Response to tavalon (Original post)

Fri Mar 23, 2012, 07:56 AM

2. hug & cyber coffee cup offered

tavalon, i'm also not clear. and my questions are totally meant in a neutral typing voice, and if you do not want to answer that is your right, and i will not be offended. am i correct that you are wanting more in person meetings as well as on line ones to work on your issues. ( are the on line 3 am meetings? the sleep thing is getting hard too).
and am i correct in understanding that you are very very angry that the addict that you were co-dept with is now in the early of inpt recovery. do you have a sponsor in groups who is working with you?
speaking from my own experience, trying to work through the ending of a relationship is hard, adding chemical/CODA issues would be mind warping. much support for you

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Response to irisblue (Reply #2)

Fri Mar 23, 2012, 12:11 PM

3. Wow, yeah, I didn't communicate well.

I'm cautiously thrilled that the addict went into recovery. I'm having to watch my motives carefully to avoid trying to control his recovery which would be getting into my disease. No, there are no three am meetings but as a night nurse of 12 years, 3 am is like 3pm to the rest of the world.

There are numerous reasons I want to work fewer 7p-11p shifts but one is that I would like to be able to attend more F2F though I am getting quite close with the online group and may even end up with a sponsor from there. That seems odd, but we'll see.

The ex replaced me 12 years ago. We became friends again 5 years ago and I really did not know until he took my offer to come stay for a while to job hunt that he was an addict. The man I loved and hated and loved in a different way was gone, a wraith in his place. I'm still grieving, true enough. But I'm also healing. Slowly.

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Response to tavalon (Reply #3)

Sat Mar 24, 2012, 09:46 AM

5. another neutrally voiced question

and as above, and as to my standard you are not obligated to answer me publically or privately. your life experience will vary from my observations. ..... " watch my motives carefully to avoid trying to control his recovery which would be getting into my disease". why are you feeling that you need to be involved on any level at all? you described him as an Ex if you have minor children together i can see that you would have to be involved. adult children would seem to be a more at arms length connection, but those would seem to be the only unbreakable and necessary connection ever. you can sell businesses, property, but children are lifetime connections.
some people are just plain toxic together....could the combo of the the two of you be toxic for you? supportively iris

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Response to irisblue (Reply #5)

Sat Mar 24, 2012, 09:33 PM

6. It is very complex

The reasons made sense at the time. But it was pretty devastating. I don't think I could describe it online very well. Suffice it to say, I'm polyamorouus, we were married for 16 years and the person he used to be was very different (he was a good person, a full 3d guy who was highly principled except for the infidelity - yes, polys can cheat) from the wraith who showed up at my door. I grew up with him. I'm lucky that my two other partners were clearer headed than I was and set a deadline. And they made it clear that life wasn't going to be easy if I bucked it and really, by the time it came, I didn't want to.

I'm not going to be part of his recovery. I am going to be involved in my recovery. His addiction brought my codependency to the forefront and now I have lots of work to do.

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Response to tavalon (Original post)

Sun Mar 25, 2012, 04:37 PM

7. 90 in 90

that is what they say, for me I say that is a bare minimum, I made closer to 120 the first 90 days(second time around) and I definitely needed them all.

His first step was made, going into inpatient treatment is good as it takes outside pressure off and allows him to focus on what he needs to do for him, not for anyone else... it has to be a selfish program for all of us...

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Response to Old Codger (Reply #7)

Mon Mar 26, 2012, 03:08 AM

8. Well, thank you for that

One of my partners says he's worried I'll trade one addiction (enabling the addict)for another (12 step). I told him that's it's too bad that he's worried but it's not his problem. I have a really big issue to work on and I need to work on it in a way that works for me. If that looks like addiction swapping to him, so be it. It doesn't to me or my higher power and really that's who I'm accountable to. I also mentioned that I wondered if he was worried that he was going to lose some time with me. He said yeah. I said, "I can understand that and I wish I could reassure you, but right now, my recovery takes precedence and yeah, you probably will lose some time with me."

I can sound so sure of myself but then my gremlins start in and I wonder if I'm going overboard? I don't know why I trust you, but I do and it makes me feel more sure of myself to hear these words from you. Thanks.

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Response to tavalon (Original post)

Wed Mar 28, 2012, 01:51 AM

9. Maybe just stay on the computer.

And let the rest go by. I think you need to let go, I know I do. I don't want to look at this screen anymore, with hopes my life will fullfill me. Ouch!

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