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Sun Mar 4, 2012, 07:35 AM

So tomorrow evening I have a talk scheduled with someone

Too complicated to explain and someone here told me not to bother. Anyway, I'm scared of her because she reminds me of my evil step monster. I know she isn't and when I'm not facing down a truth telling barnstormer, I actually like her a lot. Unfortunately, I kept a lot of stuff bottled up because I didn't want my husband hurt. I love seeing him so happy and I want to continue to see him happy. But my bottling up things is actually making him unhappy, the woman in question unhappy and me unhappy. That's a lot of unhappy.

She's been doing a lot of taking peoples inventories lately (I don't think that includes her own or she wouldn't likely be doing what she's doing) and the other day I was so mad at her, I was of a mind to take her inventory. As anyone who is recovering knows, it's like a thousand times easier to take someone else's inventory than one's own. So, I could do it. Easy Speasy, especially considering my well honed sixth sense (had to hone it - one doesn't make it out of an alcoholic household alive without knowing the emotional tenor at all times). But it wouldn't be right.

Anyway, I'm scared. Scared I'll say something wrong. Scared I'll cry (because I'm actually angry. I hate that I cry when I'm angry. It's one of my least favorite girl traits). Scared that this is a zero sum game and I'll lose and so will my husband. I'm scared that I'll chicken out and not say what needs to be said. Scared that I won't know what to say.

So, without trying to parse out my weird life, any pearls of wisdom about how to face a truthtelling hard conversation would be appreciated.

6 replies, 984 views

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Reply So tomorrow evening I have a talk scheduled with someone (Original post)
tavalon Mar 2012 OP
NMDemDist2 Mar 2012 #1
tavalon Mar 2012 #2
TygrBright Mar 2012 #3
Old Codger Mar 2012 #4
tavalon Mar 2012 #5
Tripod Mar 2012 #6

Response to tavalon (Original post)

Sun Mar 4, 2012, 04:52 PM

1. that's an easy one

before you walk in ask you HP to guide your thoughts and words, while you're in there visualize your HP sitting in between you.

you'll be amazed !!

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Response to NMDemDist2 (Reply #1)

Sun Mar 4, 2012, 06:52 PM

2. Okay

But I still don't see it as easy.

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Response to tavalon (Original post)

Mon Mar 5, 2012, 12:30 AM

3. Main thing: Do what you can to keep your emotions out of it as much as possible.

So first, deal with your scareds. What's the WORST THING that can happen? How does that compare to having your house hit by a tornado, your best friend dying unexpectedly or some REAL bad stuff?

Pretty small, right? Just interpersonal shit, we deal with it all the time. Deep breaths. The only thing your feelings can do is make it worse.

Then sit down and PLAN this conversation. What is your goal for this conversation? How do you want this conversation to end?

What (from you) is most likely to elicit that goal and end the conversation the way you want it to end? What (from her) is most likely to derail that progress and what will be the best way for you to deal with that? (Hint: It's almost ALWAYS some variation of "Well, I don't want to argue about that, let's move on to something else.")

If you have all this serious bottled-up stuff with this person, talk it out with SOMEONE ELSE ahead of time, someone who will help you get perspective and regain your calm. A sponsor or a friend in the program, whatever.

Remember, she pushes your buttons, she wins. You stay cool, you win. No matter how good it would feel at that moment to go off on her and let the bottled-up stuff out, it would feel worse later.

Best of luck. The fact that you're thinking ahead is a real good sign. Just don't get on the stressy-go-round.

helpfully,
Bright

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Response to TygrBright (Reply #3)

Mon Mar 5, 2012, 12:48 AM

4. Late but

If you have no one to talk it out with you might try writing it all down, then going over it and seeing how it feels, I have used that method at times to rid myself of some serious anger, I wrote it all out including how I felt about it then burned the paper, somehow that seems to help relieve the pressure.. works for me most of the time.

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Response to Old Codger (Reply #4)

Mon Mar 5, 2012, 01:49 AM

5. Thanks to all of you

but especially the one who reminded me to bring my higher power. What looked to be a tragic end to a long frustrating time became a crack in a door not yet explored. We came home and all of us talked together. I haven't felt this weightless in months. Hopeful, even.

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Response to tavalon (Original post)

Mon Mar 5, 2012, 02:46 AM

6. This is a long shot.

I'm probably wrong tavalon, are you setting a time to talk to yourself? That is what I see.

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