Sun Feb 10, 2013, 06:33 PM
Aristus (35,245 posts)
Not a solicitation of advice, because I have no intention of pursuing this further.
Just want to get this off my chest, and I can't tell anyone I know IRL, or on Facebook. It's haunted me a little, and maybe talking about it will help. Confession of a middle-aged man.
First I have not, and will not, commit adultery.
This is just an event that may have triggered a mild mid-life crisis.
Two weeks ago, I met up with a couple of classmates from PA School for a concert. These are people I have considered friends for going on five years now, and we have seen each other through some difficult times.
There's 'N', a guy who considers me his best friend. And then there's 'R'. R is beautiful. I can't quite describe to you how stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking, traffic-stopping she is. She is also very sweet, kind, and charming. And she seems to like me very much. We had a close relationship in school, helped along by the fact that we had difficulty with the same subjects, and flunked the same exams. We studied for the make-ups together, and took the re-tests together. After graduation, we went our separate ways, pursuing different paths in medicine.
We kept in close touch on Facebook, occasionally hoping to meet up (with 'N', as well - The Three Musketeers), but not able to until just a few weeks ago. N and R see each other every week or so, since they live a lot closer together; they have dinner and go to the movies now and then. Now, you don't have to believe this part, but it's true: I have no sexual feelings for her whatsoever. My feelings of friendship for her are pure. Not the least of which is because I'm happily married. And this may have happened because she is going through a divorce, and is probably very emotionally vulnerable right now. She was separated temporarily while we were in school, and I heard through the gossip chain that she was taken advantage of by another classmate who always struck me as something of a sexual predator.
At dinner before the concert, R announced that her divorce plans were solid, and that she was leaving her husband.
Now, after the big buildup I wrote above, you may be expecting something a little less innocuous; but this little gesture affected me profoundly, but as I stated above, not in a sexual way.
We finished dinner and went to the concert. N and R and I stood near the back in a short row, enjoying the music, N next to me, and R on the other side of N. During the concert, R maneuvered over to my side and took my arm, caressing it a little. I put my hand over hers for a second to let her know the gesture was not unwelcome. She gave my arm a little squeeze and asked me: "Are you happy?"
"Very." I answered. I didn't elaborate; I was very happy to see my two friends again. What meaning she came away with, I don't know. I was not sexually aroused by this in the least; instead, I was a little bowled over that this extraordinary woman valued my friendship. She stood by my side for a little longer, and then went back to talking with N.
We had all had a few drinks that evening, And, although I was not impaired to drive, I was still facing a hour's trip back from Seattle. R casually said: "Why don't you come over to my place?" Almost certainly no more than a friendly way of ensuring I didn't have to face that long, late-night drive.
"Aw, thanks" I said, "but I'll be okay. I'll text you two when I get home safely."
And I did. I went home and crawled into bed with my wife. But I don't think an hour has gone by since that time when I haven't thought of that little incident. I'm almost certainly reading too much into it. That may be just how she expresses affection for her friends. And I reiterate: I felt no sexual feelings as a result of that gesture, then or now.
I thought if I could put it down in a narrative, that would help me take my mind off of it. Once again, this is not a request for advice as to what to do. I'm not going to do anything except remain faithful to my wife. But it was a beautiful, magical moment in the life of a guy who was never exceptionally handsome, and is losing what little he ever had.
Thank you for listening.
6 replies, 1235 views
Not a solicitation of advice, because I have no intention of pursuing this further. (Original post)
|Duer 157099||Feb 2013||#1|
Response to Aristus (Original post)
Sun Feb 10, 2013, 11:41 PM
Bonobo (24,499 posts)
4. My main question...
You spent a lot of time explaining the situation and then you wrote:
"I don't think an hour has gone by since that time when I haven't thought of that little incident."
BUT... you did not write WHAT you have been thinking about RE that incident. Regret? Amusement? Pride? What?
Response to Bonobo (Reply #4)
Mon Feb 11, 2013, 10:22 AM
Aristus (35,245 posts)
5. That's a fair question, and I don't know if I have an answer.
Pride is a possibility; It is an ego boost to think that this stunning, talented woman could be so casually demonstrative with me. I do wonder if she finds me physically attractive. My wife certainly does, and although that's nothing to sneeze at, it's the kind of thing one can take for granted after 18 years together.
That's why I classified this incident as sort of a mid-life crisis trigger. There's an element of "what if?" about it.
But there's no way I'd ever pursue the "what-if"; I adore my wife, and even if we weren't happy, I could never hurt her. Also, I value and respect R too much to ever do something as tawdry a make a play for her.
Response to Aristus (Reply #5)
Mon Feb 11, 2013, 01:36 PM
Denninmi (6,581 posts)
6. Well then, I think it's over and done.
Nothing happened except in your thoughts, really, so I see no reason for regret or guilt.
You're a really good guy, Aristus, and this proves it by how you acted and responded.