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Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:39 PM

How much do you value the ability to father children, or become a father?

And, if for whatever reason, health issues/disability, infertility, or some legal or personal circumstance that precluded any option, such as adoption, happened to you, how would you feel about that?

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Reply How much do you value the ability to father children, or become a father? (Original post)
Denninmi Jan 2013 OP
Scuba Jan 2013 #1
Denninmi Jan 2013 #3
Gore1FL Jan 2013 #11
Denninmi Jan 2013 #14
Gore1FL Jan 2013 #16
Denninmi Jan 2013 #17
lumberjack_jeff Jan 2013 #2
Denninmi Jan 2013 #4
lumberjack_jeff Jan 2013 #5
Major Nikon Jan 2013 #6
lumberjack_jeff Jan 2013 #8
Major Nikon Jan 2013 #9
lumberjack_jeff Jan 2013 #12
PRETZEL Jan 2013 #15
Warren DeMontague Jan 2013 #18
Upton Jan 2013 #7
Gore1FL Jan 2013 #10
ElboRuum Jan 2013 #13
Warren DeMontague Jan 2013 #19
Denninmi Jan 2013 #20

Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:42 PM

1. Liberated?

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Response to Scuba (Reply #1)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:50 PM

3. Well, I could try and joke around and say this doesn't bother me.

Not your comment, it's fine, I can see humor and honesty in it.

Despite my age and life history, including many years spent not even trying to date, I always felt that I would have been a dramatically better partner and father to a family than my father was.

Due to my personal circumstances, I no longer see fatherhood as ever being an option, either biologically or via alternatives such as adoption or marriage.

Not that it was going to ever happen, but now having it firmly ruled out leaves me feeling pretty empty.

Sorry to be such a downer, but it is what it is.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #3)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 09:41 PM

11. I don't know what your personal circumstances are

but don't rule out something if you want it.

If family is something you aspire to, then not trying is cheating your potential significant other, and whatever children you would raise together.

Everyone has value.

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Response to Gore1FL (Reply #11)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 04:24 AM

14. My personal circimstances definitely make this an impossibility.

47, and recently diagnosed as bipolar/PTSD. Biological children would be perfectly possible, but my family on my father 's side has a history of serious mental health issues. I could never in good conscience pass these genetic predispositions on to another generation, it needs to "stop here".

Because of this, I'm sure that adoption would be out of the question. I guess that wouldn't preclude some alternative, if I were in some form of long-term committed relationship, such as using a sperm donor, or just meeting a woman with children. Even then, I would not be comfortable because I will/would always have to question if being around me would be in the best interest of a child. Not that I feel like a raving lunatic or anything, things are going really well for me right now, but I have to be realistic, it is certainly possible that I could have some future breakdown, with all of the attendant issues, such as loss of ability to work and earn an income.

So I don't see it as an option at all. It's funny, having gotten to middle age and never been remotely close to having the kind of committed long term it would take to have kids, you would think this should be no big deal. But, the possibility was always there, even if a very remote possibility. Now, that is gone, and it just feels like one more thing I have lost in this fiasco that has been my life of late.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #14)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 12:55 PM

16. Never give up

No one is perfect for relationships or parenthood.

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Response to Gore1FL (Reply #16)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 01:10 PM

17. Thanks for the thought. But realistically, not gonna happen.

Everything else aside, having a kid around 50 would be hard. Not impossible, but hard.

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:49 PM

2. If I project my pre-children attitudes forward in time to today, probably not much.

Now that I have kids, I place an infinitely high value on it; e.g. "take a bullet for them".

Watch the movie "Family Man" to see how I feel on the topic.

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #2)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:52 PM

4. The film with Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni?

I actually have that on DVD. I do know what you are talking about.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #4)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:54 PM

5. Film makes me cry like a baby.

Which sucks, because Nicholas Cage is the shittiest actor in the world, and I wouldn't want to imply otherwise.

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 07:55 PM

6. I've always felt that nothing else comes before my job as a father

I've felt that way from the first day my first child was born. While I can certainly understand and respect those who don't want to have children, for me it's been a very rewarding experience and one that I would not want to do without.

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #6)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 08:11 PM

8. Holding that first child was a paradigm shift.

This morning I was person "A". Now I'm person "B".

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #8)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 09:32 PM

9. For me it's been almost 24 years and I still remember it vividly

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #9)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 11:51 PM

12. 23 years in February. I hear you. n/t

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #8)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 08:34 AM

15. For me personally

that change came on the day my ex first told me she was pregnant.

My whole perspective on life changed. There are a whole series of thoughts, fears and anticipations that come from knowing that a child will enter your life.

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #8)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 04:26 PM

18. Yep.

Exactly.

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 08:01 PM

7. Don't have children..never wanted them

my significant other is unable to conceive anyway, which was quite a selling point when I first met her, so I feel great about my childless situation...

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 09:34 PM

10. I married into a family at 33

I met him at 3.5 years. I married his mother when he was six. He called me dad from that point forward.

I was the only dad my son knew until many years later (after we divorced) when my ex sued the natural father for child support. He sued for visitation. The upshot is he got to meet some half-siblings.

I never had natural children. I couldn't love one more than I love the one I have. I used to pick him up every day after school. He and I did Boy Scouts together. After he move out of his mother's, I used to eat with him once a week. He has other interests at this point. He is almost 20, now. I think he relishes the free food, still. I expect that our meals will pick up again when his classes start and his expenses increase.

I guess I would entertain the thought of going through it with someone, but that would necessarily require a much younger woman, and/or a pre-made family.

Genetics aren't the important part of having children (unless you are hoping for a kidney later.) My son is obviously my son. He has some of my best and worst qualities.

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 12:14 AM

13. Not much.

Was never a goal of mine. So, I'd say that I wouldn't be bothered by the fact that I couldn't.

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Response to Denninmi (Original post)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 04:30 PM

19. I always knew I wanted kids. I can only speak for myself, obviously- but for me

It is, to echo other posters in the thread, my number one job and central to who I am.

I would never suggest that anyone do it, or not do it or that matter- up to them and all I would say is it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

And I have deep contempt or those of either gender who abdicate their responsibility to their kids, ie deadbeat dads etc.

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Response to Warren DeMontague (Reply #19)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 04:40 PM

20. Yup, that's sad.

The veterinary oncologist who treated my previous dog's multiple myeloma for four years told me a lot of children weren't taken care of the way I took care of him. But, I've always been a good, albeit overindulgent, dog parent.

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