Oh, oh. It’s the Papal Plot deja vu all over again: the return of the medieval, Catholic, theocratic feudal system of Sanctumrectum (mea culpa, mea culpa), focusing on the critical issues facing our country today, such as how many souls of members of Congress can fit on the head of a pin (answer: 350), and how wide of a hole in a bedsheet is acceptable for fornication with one’s spouse.
As Bishop Berkley once pined, “if Sanctumrectum wins the Iowa Caucus, does anyone outside of the bible precincts of Iowa really care?” (Answer: no.) Santusrectum is as dead as the Catholic Church, except for those over-active menopausal priests sodomizing choir boys.
Imagine Sanctumrectum’s liturgical platform in July, if ever he wins the primaries (about as much of a chance as Hitler being canonized as a saint):
1. Instituting the death penalty for women having abortions (“baby killers!!!”).
2. Criminalizing “sodomy” (which, by definition, includes not only anal but oral sex) and cauterizing the orifices of all offenders: ouch and speechless!
3. Stoning gays in public squares.
4. Requiring matins, angelus, vespers, nocturns to be recited daily in the House and Senate.
5. Moving the Vatican to Wall Street.
6. Giving mega tax breaks to the Nazarenes.