Ed Miliband: every Briton should speak English

An immigrant has apologised for his previous policy of nodding and smiling politely, and is now insisting politicians should learn to speak English.

“I’ve lived here most of my life, and I cannot understand what it on earth they are talking about”, complained postal worker Ahmed Kahn. “If you complain they just start waving their hands about, and repeating themselves, louder and louder.”

With millions spent each year on translating horse shit into something the public might go for, Kahn thinks the time has come to stop pandering to them.

“Politicians are bleeding this country dry”, he insisted. “They come here from where they really live, and get a free house in the constituency and another one in London, which they fill up with their relatives.”


Ed Miliband robustly defended politicians, pointing out they’re legally if not morally entitled to seek sanctuary in a big asylum by the Thames. “I’b beed berpectly frank oboud wob be neeb do do ob dis issue”, he stated clearly. Be neeb do debt ub a deering commidy and a parliamendary enquiry.”