Rupert Murdoch emerges as preferred bidder for lucrative NHS contracts

Rupert Murdoch has emerged as the leading candidate to secure lucrative contracts providing services to the National Health Service. The surprise announcement followed the recent restructuring of the coalition cabinet, with industry observers using their enormous breadth of knowledge on the subject, a degree of intuition, and the fact that Jeremy Hunt’s now in charge of Health to proclaim the move ‘a masterstroke’, ‘timely’, ‘shrewd business’ and ‘gawd ‘elp us all’.

Under Mr Murdoch’s proposals, nurses supplied to the health service through his organisation will receive significantly improved salaries with revenues of up to an eye-watering £200 a week each, as long as the rights to televised tracheotomies can secure a global audience. Advertising revenue from sponsored surgical instruments will also bring in cash as Mr Murdoch strives to bring the NHS up to Premier League standards.

‘Cancer victims in Bikinis and happy smiling nurses, that’s what the nation wants,’ trumpeted Mr Murdoch via Twitter.

Mr Hunt insisted that the bids for the new contracts would breath new life into the market, provide a significant boost to quality of service and encourage future competition. ‘But you have to look at the wider picture as well,’ he added, ‘Of course there’s a potential downside if it all goes wrong and if that happens we will naturally have to blah de blah, de blah.’

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/09/04/rupert-murdoch-emerges-as-preferred-bidder-for-lucrative-nhs-contracts/

In other news :

Pro homeopathy health minister Jeremy Hunt vows to cure NHS by diluting budget to 1p

New health minister Jeremy Hunt has insisted his belief in homeopathy can help fix the NHS, insisting a budget diluted to one penny would see it stronger than ever before.

Just hours into his new role, Hunt stuffed his face with magic sugar pills before declaring the new diluted budgetary policy.

“We need to bang the budget against some special leather books, taking all of the money out as we go, but once that’s done and we’re down from £94bn down to 1p we’ll be good to go,” Hunt told reporters.

“I voted for homeopathy on the NHS in 2007, and I’m confident its batshit crazy anti-scientific principles will help me turn the NHS into the pride of the country.”

http://newsthump.com/2012/09/04/pro-homeopathy-health-minister-jeremy-hunt-vows-to-cure-nhs-by-diluting-budget-to-1p/