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Fri Apr 6, 2012, 06:50 PM

Poems! Poems everybody!

Rooftop Garden

Hauling the heavy earth was the hardest part
Slow steps burdened by soil
Bringing the earth to the sky
Next the boxes,
Garden Builder, Sky Farmer
An oasis in the urban, like a
Sunflower in the cracked asphalt.
And then the planting.
Pressing small seeds in the soft soil
Fecund and waiting, an expectation of
Gifts to come.
Nurturing the swift shoots,
Fragile green children, growing and ripening
in the slow march of summer days.
The lazy buzz of insects among the haunches
of sun-dappled vegetables in a fading light
A ripe tomato cupped in a brown hand
This will do
This is good

This is a first draft that I'm working on to give to a friend who just moved and is planning a garden.

Thoughts?

peace,
Noodleboy

7 replies, 745 views

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Arrow 7 replies Author Time Post
Reply Poems! Poems everybody! (Original post)
Noodleboy13 Apr 2012 OP
gratuitous Apr 2012 #1
Noodleboy13 Apr 2012 #2
elleng Apr 2012 #3
Scuba Apr 2012 #4
nolabear Apr 2012 #5
Noodleboy13 Apr 2012 #6
nolabear Apr 2012 #7

Response to Noodleboy13 (Original post)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 06:54 PM

1. Not bad . . .

The only critique I would offer would be the repeated "sky" in lines 3 and 5. I don't know how it might be re-worked, but as far as a poem goes (for which I have no expertise whatsoever), it's pretty good.

I thought this was going to be a different kind of thread, and going to snarkily post the following poem, which suddenly is strangely appropriate:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.


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Response to gratuitous (Reply #1)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 07:09 PM

2. Nice catch

'Bringing earth to the heavens' works better.

My English degree is kicking me for forgetting who wrote the poem you posted.

peace,
Noodleboy

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Response to Noodleboy13 (Reply #2)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 07:33 PM

3. William Carlos Williams

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Response to Noodleboy13 (Original post)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 07:37 PM

4. "Healthcare" A haiku from Jim DeMint

Blood in the urine.
A tingling down the left arm.
Walk it off, Grandma.

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Response to Noodleboy13 (Original post)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 08:08 PM

5. Gorgeous! And I teach poetry.

It really is. The understated end is beautiful, just what a satisfied god would say about his creation.

If it was me, I might experiment with taking out some of the "the"s. "Bringing earth to sky" or "Sunflower in cracked asphalt" or any of the others. I like it as it is but imo that ups the emotional punch.

I truly like it a lot.

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Response to nolabear (Reply #5)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 08:38 PM

6. Very nice suggestions

You're right, it pares it down, making the imagery stronger

and thank you for the complement. My friend just moved and has been doing some very helpful and thoughtful things for me while I've down on my luck (lent some money, bought my cat booster shots out of the blue.)
I wanted to do something for her in thanks, and since I can't buy anything cuz I'm broke, I thought that this might be a nice house warming gift

thanks again

peace,
Noodleboy

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Response to Noodleboy13 (Reply #6)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 08:50 PM

7. It's a wonderful gift.

Hope your luck improves mightily and soon. Not a lot of money in poetry, but it is good for the soul!

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