What is the obsession men have w/ the name change?

[MissMillie]

I am 52 years old and about to be married for the first time in my life.

My guy is a little miffed that I don't want to change my name.

I don't understand why I have to spend time, money and energy to do this.

Am I a piece of livestock that needs to be branded?

Why after being Mary Sunshine (of course, not my real name) for 52 years, does everyone (and every government entity) need to call me something else?

[Codeine]

1. Meh. Some men do.

It's not any sort of issue in my social circle and my fiancée will maintain her own name after marriage if for no other reason than mine has to be spelled out to people every time, which gets old.

[femmocrat]

2. Congratulations and best wishes!

My DIL kept her maiden name. Makes it a little awkward at times, but my son didn't seem to mind. For example, we never knew how to address their Christmas cards!
LOL (Not really a problem.)

Fortunately, they spared the children the "ordeal" of having a hyphenated last name.

[MissMillie]

3. If the people who want to send us Christmas cards...

want to call me Mrs. "X", I have no problem w/ that.


I actually have some experience w/ the name issue...

I'm a twin that has the same first name as my twin. We have different middle names. It actually caused some problems in our credit reports and w/ health insurance.

We were known to our family by our middle names.

In '93 I got a job as a reporter and I decided to be known by my full name.

Honestly, I like my name. I don't want to change it legally.

People can call me whatever they like. But as Popeye said, "I am who I am."

[femmocrat]

4. Problem solved!

That is interesting about the same first name for twins! Your poor teachers!

Seriously, though.... Do what you want. It's up to you, after all.

[dixiegrrrrl]

10. Keeping your name is not that hard for the system to deal with.

I did not change mine when Mr. Dixie and got hitched, nor did he even think I should.

When the need for introductions comes up, I just tell people my first and last name and then say "this is John Smith, my husband"
Very few people have a problem with that, even down here in the backwoods South.
I DO occasionally get letters addressed to "Mrs. Dixie" instead of "Ms. Dixie" but that is it.
We keep extra copies of our marriage certificate in case we have to show proof ( Soc. Sec., insurance, etc)

The REAL issue is why your fiancée does not get the point. THAT bears discussion, and I would suggest listening very closely to what is behind the words.

[malthaussen]

5. I dunno, I suggest you ask him.

That's what one might call an individual thing.

-- Mal

[alarimer]

6. To me, it is completely sexist.

It needs to stop being a thing women are expected to do.

[athena]

12. I agree.

I didn't change my name, even though my husband's name is a name I like very much. I'm very happy with my decision. Even though I like his name, it's his name, not mine. And even though my name isn't the best name out there, it is mine. Just as he never considered taking my name, I never considered taking his.

I suggest, MissMillie, that you discuss this with your husband-to-be before your wedding and make sure that he is able to understand and respect your decision. If he cannot do that, I would seriously reconsider whether he respects you enough as a person to deserve being your spouse.

[MissMillie]

22. It's not a deal-breaker for him

I guess I just wish he were not so disappointed.

He says, "don't you want to be a (xxxxx)?"

My answer is that I want to be his wife.

[athena]

27. Good.

What if you said you love that he is a (xxxxx), and you hope he loves that you are a (yyyyy)?

In my case, my husband's last name is a beautiful English name. It is the name of a well-known writer from the middle ages. But I'm visibly a Mediterranean, and my name is also very foreign. If I took his last name, it would be pretentious. No one would buy for a minute that I was someone with such a traditional English last name. So, as much as I love his last name, it's just not me.

Now, that story is very specifically about me, but I believe it applies to everyone. You could take his name, but it wouldn't feel to you like it was really your name. I think there is something nice about two people marrying each other and loving their partner's name as a part of their partner, without wanting to change it or copy it.

Congratulations, by the way. He sounds like a good guy, despite being somewhat traditional.

[betsuni]

7. I don't get it either, seems like branding to me.

Once when I visited the U.S. with my husband, the guy who looked at our passports said to me, "Oh, you didn't change your name yet." Dude, you are not my Republican uncle! Fuck off.

[stevenleser]

8. Have no idea. My current wife did not change her name and I never thought to ask.

It's weird.

OTOH I will have to admit that I wanted our daughter to have my name...

[GeorgeGist]

9. I have a friend whose son-in-law ...

took his wife's surname.

[benld74]

11. Congrats MissMillie

Doesn't make any difference today, really.

Married 29 years ago. My wife NEVER liked her middle name, Sue, so changed it to her maiden name.
Helped her in her job, already made contacts etc, recognize her immediately.

I never thought about it myself. I would care personally. But that's me.

[Orrex]

13. Will you then be Ms Millie?

If a woman wants to take on her husband's name, great. If she doesn't want to take on his name, great.

It's nobody else's business.

[DFW]

14. Who's obsessed?

My wife kept her name. Didn't bother me. My sister kept her name when she got married (16 years ago at 44, by the way, to a guy 7 years younger, and they're still very happy together).

I don't know ANY men, on either continent, who are obsessed with that. How can anything that trivial matter so much?

[whistler162]

15. Unless you are marrying someone with

the same last initial. Just look at them and say "You know how much it cost to get things monogrammed in the first place?"

Honestly, if he doesn't like you keeping your last name... TOUGH NUGGIES!

[PassingFair]

16. True story:

I kept my last name when I got married...

A few weeks after the wedding my husband and I ran into a mutual friend who asked me,
"How's married life, Mrs. (My Husband's Last Name)?"

I told her, "Oh, no, I didn't change my name".

This person drew herself up and said "Well, I changed MY name when I got married because I LOVE MY husband".

Awkward.....

After we got outside, I asked my husband if it bothered him that we didn't have the same last name.

He said "kinda".

"OK" I told him, "We can go down to the court tomorrow and change your name to Passingfair".

He laughed and it was never brought up again.

I did put his name on our children's birth certificates, so they have his last name, just because he's so nice!

[mythology]

17. I'm a guy and wouldn't ask a potential partner to change her name

My mom didn't change her name either time. On the other hand, I have changed my last name as my biological dad's last positive contribution was about 9 months before I was born.

It was a giant pain in the ass then and again this year when I went to buy a condo. Granted I have an amazing ability to have things go wrong dealing with government agencies (it took 3 trips to the dmv to get my first license even though I had all the right paperwork and had already passed a driving test), but it still seems silly to ask a woman to change her name.

I haven't thought about resolving potential kids' last names, but I shouldn't have kids anyway.

[Kaleva]

18. It's not just men but women too.

It's really rare, at least where I live, for a woman who marries, regardless of age, to keep her father's name.

[Laffy Kat]

19. Nobody cares anymore.

Once during a neighborhood party, the group realized that out of seven couples, all but two women kept their name, and that was ten years ago. Do what feels good to you.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

20. A rose by any other name...

convention, tradition, etc no real meaning today

Congrats!

[Montauk6]

21. From a Genealogy Hobbyist perspective....

All's I know is but for this ancient tradition research would be SO smoother.

[spiderpig]

23. I was 39 and established in business when I married Mr. pig

I just never liked my original surname and happily took his (which isn't "pig"!)

My sister married a guy whose surname was goofier than ours, so she kept our family name.
(Good thing - it made it simpler when she divorced the doofus.)

[haele]

24. At 52, there's a lot of accounts and records in you name at birth.

Changing your name can have repercussions in pensions, survivor's benefits, trusts and wills, credit reports, tax records, and background checks that might not immediately be apparent. The advice I got when I retired from the Navy was to keep the name I first enlisted under, even after I was retired, because those Navy documents would be critical for everything I'd ever apply for under the VA, and the VA tends to have conniptions if the name and Social Security number doesn't match on every document needed for any service.

Keep your pre-marriage name, and register the married name as a legal aka, if he insists. That's what kept my husband from changing his name - one of the most common names in the U.S.; he used to go through all sorts of trouble when there was a confusion of names by various agents (including doctors) who only had a first-name/last-name reference for him back when we were married. My last name is unusual, and sounded very cool with his first name.

Haele

[NightWatcher]

25. Congrats. I didn't want my wife to take my name. She has made a name for herself in her field.

It would have been a disservice to lose that credibility that she had worked so hard for.

[Skittles]

26. dominance thing

it shocks me how many women go along with it

[panader0]

28. My kids mom had the same last name as I did.

My first wife used a hyphenated last name--hers and mine.

[HipChick]

29. First Congrats MissMillie! you give me hope

and second, ain't no way in hell, I'm ever changing my name again for no man..

[handmade34]

30. ask him

why he doesn't want to change his name to Mr. Sunshine?

I love my last name and would never change it for anyone... my partner often is referred to as Mr. handmade and he doesn't mind at all...

[Tobin S.]

31. When I got married I told my wife that I didn't expect her to change her name.

She did anyway because she wanted to.

I got to thinking about it and thought, "What if she expected me to change my name to her name?" You don't hear of that happening at all, but I would definitely not want to do that.

[duncang]

32. It can be a problem to change

My wife changed her name to my last name when we got married 40 years ago. That wasn't a problem. But after we were married on one gov. document she put her maiden name with her married name. It took 5 years to get it fixed. It seemed to domino in the system. Fix one it would turn up some place else. She put down the right name but they goofed up on the spelling on her maiden name and couldn't fix that. We sent letters and talked to people on the phone. Changing your name at this time may be a major hassle. I hope you can convince him the name change isn't needed.