The Quotes of Steven Wright:

[kentauros]

My faves are #2 and #33

I'm sure there are more, so add to it!

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Gidney N Cloyd]

1. Funny collection but a lot don't sound like Steven Wright material.

One of my favorite Steven Wright lines is "I used to work at the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

[OriginalGeek]

2. I was thinking the exact same thing

some just don't sound Wrighty.

[kentauros]

3. And yet they all sound Wright to me

[Dr. Strange]

4. Wright or wrong, they're funny.

[kentauros]

5. So-o,

can I borrow some money from you?

[kwassa]

6. The smartest comic of all time.

from memory:

I know when I am going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.

[Aerows]

7. I can answer #12

Basement of energy (dark) - Absolute Zero
Ceiling of energy - for now - Speed of Light

Basements are really a whole lot easier to define .

[benld74]

8. Got a real good deal on a house next to the freeway, had to be going 75 leaving the driveway,,,,,

[geardaddy]

9. One of my favorites wasn't a one-liner

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.

[geardaddy]

10. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. -- SW

http://www.wright-house.com/steven-wright/steven-wright-Ab.html

[NewJeffCT]

11. a few I liked

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

I went to the Children's Museum - all the paintings were on refrigerators.

The restaurant said "Breakfast Any Time", so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

[cyberswede]

12. I like this one

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

[clarice]

13. Loves me some Steven....Wright or wrong....my favorite?...

"You can't have everything...where would you put it?"

[taterguy]

14. That's a nice chandelier

[IDemo]

15. The other day, I accidentally tried unlocking the front door with my car keys

and the house started, so I took it for a drive. Had to keep yelling at kids to get out of my driveway. A cop pulled me over and asked where I lived, so I said "here, of course".

[Sheldon Cooper]

16. Why is the alphabet in that order?

Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.