Your evening picker-upper: Excerpts from Amazon toilet paper reviews

[LiberalEsto]

Remember the Veet for Men and Bic pen reviews?

“this toilet paper changed my life. For years and years, I’ve just used rocks for toilet paper but they kept clogging my toilet. This toilet paper makes a BIG DIFFERENCE.”

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jarrylee/its-toilet-paper#.kpJ70jWJm

[NewJeffCT]

1. get ready for a thank you note

from your butt!

[LiberalEsto]

2. Here's another review I just found on Amazon

"No more will my family whip with single ply toilet paper like presence know from now on we will wipe with luxury with three plies of toilet paper in silky smooth luxury thank you northern and thank you for triple ply making us better than these common peasants who surround us"

[Kaleva]

3. "... feels EXACTLY like wiping your butt with a cute, cuddly puppy..."

[LiberalEsto]

4. It makes a great gift, too!

Last edited Fri Mar 27, 2015, 10:52 PM - Edit history (1)

"got this for my wife for our first anniversary. I even had it gift wrapped, and included a note wishing that her life would be like toilet paper - long and useful.
She hasn't spoken to me for a week. Maybe I should have gotten Charmin."


and...

"8 pack of Quilted Northern TP comes perfectly packed in a Quilted Northern Box, (not packaged by Amazon) labeled "Sold As Set." Individually packed rolls look just like those sold on store shelves. Perfect to stock up for the end of the world at a slightly cheaper price."

***

"I used to wipe my behind with my hands, a leaf, some grass, whatever I had handy, and my social life was taking a hit. So I booked on down to my local Amazon.com store and bought me a case of this stuff. Man, what an improvement. No more strange looks on elevators, people moving to the other side of the street, and being turned down for handshakes, let alone actual intimacy. I recommend this S&^% very highly!"

***

"We all know that toilet paper is far more than toilet paper -- it has to hold together, be soft, pull you through tough times, be gentle yet firm, and handle a crisis. Quilted Northern does this. And it does it with the right cost, the right number of squares, and the right grace under pressure. That's all we use in a household of two women and three men. That's a lotta squares!! And we don't use anything else!"


You have to dig through a lot of reviews to find the gems, but what the heck, it's a boring Friday night at home.

[LiberalEsto]

5. and...

"ByJames on February 5, 2013
Size Name: 48 Count
I have to write this review because I couldn't set my computer up in the bathroom to get a video review of it in use. For the longest time I though toilet paper was a little over rated and a waste of trees. In the past I wouldn't use anything, unless it was really sticky and I would have to use my hand to get it all off, but that is why there are sinks to wash your hands. Underwear main purpose is to absorb all the small stuff. Then some one gave me a free 48 roll package of this stuff and I couldn't let it go to waste. At first it clogged my toilet a lot, but that is because I didn't know it unraveled. I would rotate the roll in my hand using each side. I tried flushing 8 or 9 rolls before I found out they unravel, but now it seems like they will last forever because you only need 1 square to wipe, sometimes 2 because they can rip and you finger will go through. But because of this I have been saving on soap because there is no longer a need to wash hands after going to the bathroom."

***

"ByWayneChicago "ck1"TOP 1000 REVIEWERon May 16, 2013
Size Name: 48 CountVerified Purchase
Why lug home this ginormous pack of TP from Sam's Club or Costco when you can have Amazon schlep it to your doorstep for the same price!

Sure, your neighbors will think you've got a dumping syndrome when they see this on your front stoop: they ship it in the actual TP box. But, do you truly care what the neighbors think? I mean, really.

This brand makes my pucker hole feel like a daisy. It really does the trick. No chaffing. No bleeding like the Rough Rider stuff. It's like touching a cloud to a baby's bottom. Okay, that may be a tad of an exaggeration. It's the rum cake talking now, I confess. Maybe it's more like a steady puff of dry air across the backside, like sitting on an air hockey table in your skivvies. Yeah, I'd say that's more like it.

Try it and you'll see what it feels like. That's why I switched brands to this squeezably soft quilted tissue.

-- Signed, Mr. Whipple."

***

"ByChristopher Bensonon July 1, 2013
Size Name: 48 CountVerified Purchase
I use this toilet paper for my art projects and also I make clothing out of it and eat it with spaghetti sauce.

No, I wipe with it. It works. The end."

***

"BySatisfied User?on September 12, 2013
Size Name: 48 CountVerified Purchase
I don't believe you've advertised this product appropriately. I have been a long time shopper of Kleenex brand facial tissue and been very pleased, except for one oversight by the Kleenex brand company; what if you have to use the product while bathing? As I've often thought this, you can only imagine how excited I was to see ultra plush BATH TISSUE! I don't how many times I've sneezed in the tub with nothing to turn to. Initial excitement aside, I'm now disgusted with this product. Every time I've taken it into the bath with me it has turned into a wet, drippy, mess. It literally clumps, falls apart and is utterly useless. Poor form Quilted Northern!"

***

"ByWeezyt "Amazon Addict"on January 29, 2014
Size Name: 48 CountVerified Purchase
It's white TP. On a roll. It's soft and cushy - not like that stuff they use in gas station bathrooms. Please note that toilet paper works best when installed on a toilet roll holder with a horizontal axle parallel to the wall in the over (in front of) orientation. Hanging toilet paper in the under (behind the roll) orientation is just wrong."

***

"ByBilly Bobon April 29, 2014
Size Name: 48 CountVerified Purchase
best wipin ive had all year"