my heart is breaking....
I've been struggling with whether to post this for hours. I'm usually rather private about personal events, and it's hard to understand why we sometimes feel compelled to share painful things anonymously, with strangers. Maybe it's just because sometimes it's too much to hold them by ourselves.
Tomorrow I'll be burying an old friend. My friend Mango is an 11 year old male Balinese cat, one of two brothers that I rescued at 10 weeks from what might best be described as a small scale kitten mill. They have been wonderful companions and great friends. The other brother, Murphy, still lives with me but Mango moved in with a neighbor a few years ago, some time after my partner and I merged households and combined too many pets under one roof for his tastes. That's another story all by itself, but both the neighbors and I ended perfectly happy with the outcome, as I get to see Mango nearly every day anyway, and the neighbors don't mind me hanging out with him in their yard whenever I see him. In fact, two of my other cats joined him, so we have had something of a dual household extended pet family ever since. Mango is one of the sweetest, most gentle cats I've ever known-- not to mention drop dead handsome-- and everyone who gets to know him falls in love with him.
Several weeks ago I stopped by to pet him and say hello, but noticed that he seemed exceptionally skinny. He looked OK otherwise so I made a mental note to check with the neighbors to see whether there was anything I could do. However, with one thing and another I didn't see him again until last week and his condition was alarming-- he is skeletal, with a distended abdomen, lethargic and so weak he can hardly walk. I spoke with the neighbors, and they were absolutely beside themselves. They'd already spent a thousand dollars at the vet and gotten only vague suggestions of possible diagnoses, and no treatment options other than a single course of antibiotics, which did not help.
I took him to my vet yesterday. She gave him some fluids for dehydration and worked up an extensive blood panel, but there wasn't any clear diagnosis other than a very high white blood cell count. X-rays confirmed the fluid buildup in his abdomen but didn't reveal any masses or other abnormalities. Samples of the abdominal fluid were full of white blood cells. She suggested either "cancer, a massive infection, or infectious peritonitis" and sent us off with another course of broad spectrum antibiotics. I'm taking him back tomorrow for more fluids and to evaluate whether he has made any progress. He hasn't. It's awful to see him so weak, sick, and debilitated.
In the interim, I researched feline infectious peritonitis. When the vet mentioned it, I was actually hoping that would be the diagnosis, as peritonitis generally responds to antibiotics. Human peritonitis, that is. I've learned that FIP is something altogether different, a coronavirus infection of the peritoneum and immune system. It is 100 percent fatal, there is no definitive test for it, and there is no cure. The "wet" form that produces the distention caused by abdominal edema progresses fast. Mango is in the end stage.
If you've read this far, thank you. Maybe it helps a little to write about it. Tomorrow the vet and I will "talk about options" but there aren't any, really. It's just a question of how long before he dies-- days, at most in his current condition-- and how best to help him go. I had an emotional and difficult talk with the neighbors this morning-- he is really their cat now and I don't want to do anything without their blessing-- but they're a retired couple with limited means and are grateful for the help. We left with the understanding that tomorrow I'd likely dig his grave in their back yard. I will insist on doing the digging-- I wish I could do so much more than simply prepare a place for him-- but then I'll say my goodbyes and leave them alone with him, their grief, and the shovel to finish their own last words.
My heart is breaking. I know it seems futile to broadcast my grief to strangers, and I'm certainly not trying to start a conversation about it. I think I know now why people "rend their clothes" and wail in public-- it doesn't seem possible to contain such sadness. Please forgive me if I've darkened your day with mine. I suppose there is a PSA part to this: if you obtain kittens from breeders, insist on a coronavirus test as part of their early veterinary care. Watching FIP take a cat's life is one of the worst things ever.
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Relationships with cats are extraordinary, I've lost two to old age and I will be heartbroken when my current den of felines' time is up.
Take comfort that you had some good time together. In the end we all gotta check out.
I salute you for being a respectful, thoughtful, loving cat owner -- it's all we can do.
We had to go through this again recently. My little Maggie of 14 years took her trip on the bridge 
I hope you feel better soon.
Anyone who has lost a loved animal friend knows what you're talking about.
It is heart breaking to lose a wonderful friend.
Don't let him suffer for days. You are a good friend to your neighbors and Mango.
I'm so sorry.
There really aren't words that can be of any comfort in a situation like this, but you and your neighbors gave him a life full of love and warmth. He had a good time on this earth.
I lost 2 cats recently. One had cancer, the other had complications due to diabetes.
They're sweet and guileless. There's nothing like when a cat sees you, perks up his ears and tail, and comes trotting over to say hello.
It sounds like Mango had a good life with many good friends and families. You should have no regrets.
I know losing a beloved pet can be devastating; I've gone thorough it a few times. Take care. You're in my thoughts.
(I just stole that from the last episode of Call the Midwife which I just watched and cried my eyeballs out at parts, to be honest.)
Playing it cool works for action TV characters and such, but real live humans are so much more.
Your love for Mango is carried on to all who know of it.
I hope that your tears end soon, and you are both brave and broken to share this sorrow, so I hope you feel whole again when your grief subsides.
I've been there and I understand. I adopt older animals and it never gets any easier. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope it helped, just a little... 
to you, to Mango and to all his family and friends.
There is no greater gift of love you can give than to take on suffering so as to relieve his.
Sending vibes of peace to you and Mango
it hurts to lose family and that's exactly what our dear pets become to us. Mango was lucky to have you.
had a lifetime of pets cross the Bridge, I know what you are going through. Words are never enough to express our grief when saying goodbye
Love is love.
I rescued a senior lab once and he only lived 6 more months despite the amount of $$$ I was willing to pay the Vet. It was heart-breaking. It is really hard with the rescues because you don't know what they were subject too in their former lives. At least Mango has been loved in his current home and I'm so glad you are there to help the elderly couple with this transition.
It's so hard to lose a fur baby.
Mango went to sleep quietly and gently at 2:30 PM Pacific time this afternoon. His struggle is done. In the end, with my neighbor's blessing I brought him home and buried him under an apple tree in my backyard. I've just finished the job, and drank a toast to his memory while the sweat from digging his grave dried. I cannot imagine anything harder than that last drive to the vet.
Thanks to all who offered their condolences and good wishes. This is one of the things that makes DU not suck. I'll always be grateful to my friends in this community who rally around when someone is in pain.
Just read your very moving OP and now this latest news. You were right to come here for all the reasons listed, and we all mourn the loss of your beloved Mango. He is at peace, but your words will ring on. You have shown astonishing sensitivity and insight into the condition you had to face, but also to the situation of basically joint custody. You acknowledged your neighbors' feelings and circumstances which undoubtedly brought them great comfort. Besides being a wonderful and caring pet owner, you are to be toasted yourself for being there at a very difficult time for the neighbors, too. Rest in peace, sweet Mango.
it's true, what you said about the pain seeming too much to bear.
The goddess Bastet looks down with favor to those that showed kindness to her children.
I am sorry for your loss
rest in peace
I am so sorry for your loss, mike. I know that heavy, heavy leaden heart all too well. You can take comfort in knowing that you and your wonderful neighbors gave Mango a wonderful life, extra-loved by a special, extended family. In time, you'll be left with just happy memories...
to you and the rest of Mango's family and friends.I went through something similar with my first kitty. She had feline herpes virus, and there's not a damn thing you do for a cat who gets that. I hope I never have to deal with that again, because it's awful. I understand what a nightmare it is for you.
