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bamademo

(2,193 posts)
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 08:52 PM Apr 2014

My BF and I broke up tonight. After several years. He was unbelievably mean and cruel.

Started out nice and somewhere went wrong. I've been unemployed for 6 months and it's hard to find a job since I'm 60 even though I have a degree. He is very successful manager of a utility company. I thought I was pouring my heart out about being stressed and feeling awful about myself and he launched into a tirade about how I'm a smartass (I am) and how he wouldn't hire me.

I replied that I knew that and I did get fired from my last job (only time I've ever been fired) for having a bad attitude and that I owned it and had learned from it. He repeated no less than 10 times that "I'm a success and your a failure and you always try to give me advice". I asked him to stop it and he wouldn't. I told him earlier he had a mean streak so I guess he wanted to prove it.

I was reaching out tonight and guess I misjudged my lover of last 10 years. If there's anything I'm a failure at is the way I thought this man cared for me. Very hurt but not speaking to him for awhile till thoughts are straight.

47 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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My BF and I broke up tonight. After several years. He was unbelievably mean and cruel. (Original Post) bamademo Apr 2014 OP
Very sorry... cyberswede Apr 2014 #1
Happens to many of us, bamademo; elleng Apr 2014 #2
There's no getting out. It's easier to let go when you are older. bamademo Apr 2014 #4
First, my sympathies. I really have no advice. rug Apr 2014 #7
Battery Operated Boyfriend. :-) A vibrator in other words. bamademo Apr 2014 #8
Lol! Sorry for prying. rug Apr 2014 #9
BYOBOB! panader0 Apr 2014 #14
Well I wouldn't want to use a borrowed one. I would prefer to byobob. newcriminal Apr 2014 #15
! rug Apr 2014 #16
Been there. Lady Freedom Returns Apr 2014 #3
Not making excuses but spent 4 years taking care of elderly, disabled parents. bamademo Apr 2014 #5
And that is why you need some YOU time. Lady Freedom Returns Apr 2014 #6
I really did not expect the impact losing parents would have. He just recently lost his Dad. bamademo Apr 2014 #10
The worse thing is that he told me it was too late and I would always be a failure. bamademo Apr 2014 #11
1) don't believe it! Lady Freedom Returns Apr 2014 #28
i am sorry you are hurting fizzgig Apr 2014 #12
I would like to give him benefit of doubt and think he was tough loving me but bottom line.... bamademo Apr 2014 #13
Got that right.....he's an ass and good for you for getting out of it...... a kennedy Apr 2014 #33
Sorry to hear this Sherman A1 Apr 2014 #17
(((hug))) ZombieHorde Apr 2014 #18
Didn't want to get married again but I can't bear the thought of being alone till I die. bamademo Apr 2014 #19
Why don't you just pamper yourself for a while. tavernier Apr 2014 #20
The problem started when we saw pretty young women walking down the street. bamademo Apr 2014 #25
My dad found the love of his life when he was 73! riderinthestorm Apr 2014 #24
Might I suggest that you do be alone? Sweet Freedom Apr 2014 #26
Get a dog! eShirl Apr 2014 #29
I have 2 dogs and a cat. One dog knows when I am hurting and hugs me. Believe it or not. bamademo Apr 2014 #31
Some good suggestions here. Sorry that happened but maybe it's a good thing raccoon Apr 2014 #21
A new relation after 60? hermetic Apr 2014 #22
I have a homeless feral cat I took in 7 years ago and a dog rescued from death row. bamademo Apr 2014 #23
"I will not date another man without pets." nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #47
You've experienced more than a fair share of loss lately. LiberalAndProud Apr 2014 #27
"not speaking to him for awhile" lululu Apr 2014 #30
He thinks I don't try hard enough and I'm whiny. bamademo Apr 2014 #32
If he's as really successful as he says he is, why did he feel the need to tell me how I wasn't. bamademo Apr 2014 #34
That kick in the ass was not useful, was it? MrMickeysMom Apr 2014 #35
Sorry shenmue Apr 2014 #36
fwiw, hubby of 32 years left today. . mopinko Apr 2014 #37
Sorry, Mo. Hang in there. Gidney N Cloyd Apr 2014 #38
thank you. mopinko Apr 2014 #42
Very sorry. Sounds just like me. BF has started emailing me and makes it sound like my fault... bamademo Apr 2014 #39
He is sorry now, been emailing me all night but won't say he's sorry. bamademo Apr 2014 #40
he does love you, he just needs you mopinko Apr 2014 #41
I suggest you go no contact with him. Block his calls, don't read his emails, etc. raccoon Apr 2014 #43
I second that. Block him from everything. Sheldon Cooper Apr 2014 #44
another vote for ignoring him. lululu Apr 2014 #45
Sounds like he's flipped his lid. Seriously Populist_Prole Apr 2014 #46

cyberswede

(26,117 posts)
1. Very sorry...
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 08:56 PM
Apr 2014

Take some deep breaths...focus on yourself for a while.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

elleng

(130,130 posts)
2. Happens to many of us, bamademo;
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 08:57 PM
Apr 2014

I misjudged my lover/husband for a long time, and suffered for it. You're lucky you can get out.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
4. There's no getting out. It's easier to let go when you are older.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:02 PM
Apr 2014

After you've lost parents, etc. Guess I'll buy a BOB. They are not as selfish.

Lady Freedom Returns

(14,120 posts)
3. Been there.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:01 PM
Apr 2014

STILL not talking to mine. Will not talk to mine. ( long story)

I won't tell you that you won't hurt for a while, but you will keep going, you will make it through it!

Just focus on you right now. It is surprising how far you can go solo!

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
5. Not making excuses but spent 4 years taking care of elderly, disabled parents.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:07 PM
Apr 2014

Both have died since and I was very stressed and resentful how they were in denial and refused mine and my brothers entreaties to get affairs in order. I had to deal with hospice and nursing homes forever and then had tech support job that supported many health care organizations while my mother was dying. After she died, I couldn't really take any time off because they would not pay for it. So yeah, I guess I kinda stressed out about it.

Lady Freedom Returns

(14,120 posts)
6. And that is why you need some YOU time.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:13 PM
Apr 2014


I lost my mom 4 years ago, when much of my troubles started, and this time I have been taking to take care of me has helped.

Sometimes you need to take care of you and only worry about you. It will help.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
10. I really did not expect the impact losing parents would have. He just recently lost his Dad.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:32 PM
Apr 2014

But he's never known failure (except with 2 wives) and now I suspect it's because he's such a cold insensitive bastard to feelings of women. I will never, if I date again, hook up with an Electrical Engineer.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
11. The worse thing is that he told me it was too late and I would always be a failure.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:52 PM
Apr 2014

I don't know if that was he version of tough love or he really believes that. He hit me at my weakest point when I was seeking support.

Lady Freedom Returns

(14,120 posts)
28. 1) don't believe it!
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 03:43 AM
Apr 2014

2) that kind of talk drains you, and empowers him.

Don't let him or anyone take your power!

fizzgig

(24,146 posts)
12. i am sorry you are hurting
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 09:56 PM
Apr 2014

that was incredibly cruel of him of him to say that rather than try to be supportive.

my best to you

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
13. I would like to give him benefit of doubt and think he was tough loving me but bottom line....
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 10:00 PM
Apr 2014

He's just a Bastard. I was in denial about it.

Sherman A1

(38,958 posts)
17. Sorry to hear this
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 10:11 PM
Apr 2014

but, based upon what you posted, I believe you made the right decision. Having been through an "interesting" divorce a long time ago, I will offer the little bit of advice that I can which is make sure that you eat right, it will be an emotional roller coaster for awhile and you need to keep up with a good diet and exercise. I thought the person who gave me that advice was nuts when they did, but they were right.

It will get better each day, it takes awhile, but it really does get better.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
19. Didn't want to get married again but I can't bear the thought of being alone till I die.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 10:28 PM
Apr 2014

And it will be a long time before I want to have sex or be with another man again. Guess BOB will have to do. Anyone ever had a new relation after 60?

tavernier

(12,322 posts)
20. Why don't you just pamper yourself for a while.
Fri Apr 11, 2014, 11:34 PM
Apr 2014

You've lived with a selfish and destructive person too long, and he worked hard at destroying your self confidence. You need to be nice to yourself. Now is not the time to look for another relationship. Now is the time to concentrate on you.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
25. The problem started when we saw pretty young women walking down the street.
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 11:28 AM
Apr 2014

I laughed and said nice scenery and then said they could be his grandchildren. His father recently died so I think mortality is weighing on him.

 

riderinthestorm

(23,272 posts)
24. My dad found the love of his life when he was 73!
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 10:55 AM
Apr 2014

They've been married now for 7 blissful years.

Its never too late.

(((hug))) bamademo. Things can only get better from here...

Sweet Freedom

(3,995 posts)
26. Might I suggest that you do be alone?
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 11:43 AM
Apr 2014

It may be beneficial for you to spend some alone time and find your happiness within yourself. Take time to heal and to learn why you didn't recognize your lover for who he was for so long. Otherwise, you may end up with the same crappy gift just wrapped in a different bow.

Best wishes to you and I am happy that you are seeing your man for who he really is. I think many years of happiness are in your future!

raccoon

(31,089 posts)
21. Some good suggestions here. Sorry that happened but maybe it's a good thing
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 09:34 AM
Apr 2014

you saw his true colors.

Best to you! Pamper yourself.


hermetic

(8,258 posts)
22. A new relation after 60?
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 10:07 AM
Apr 2014

Oh yes. Best thing I ever did. He was homeless, on the street, unwanted. I took him in and after 5 years now he sits in my lap every morning and purrs, looks into my eyes so sweetly, touches my cheek with his paw. I wouldn't trade him for anyone.

Dogs are good, too, if that's more to your liking.

Remember:



You do not have to stay with a bully, just because you think you won't be happy alone..

Best of luck to you.


.
.
.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
23. I have a homeless feral cat I took in 7 years ago and a dog rescued from death row.
Sat Apr 12, 2014, 10:28 AM
Apr 2014

My kitty is a little lamb and was my purr companion tonight. I will not date another man without pets.

nomorenomore08

(13,324 posts)
47. "I will not date another man without pets."
Mon Apr 14, 2014, 09:22 PM
Apr 2014

Probably a good idea in general - they say you shouldn't date a man who hates cats.

And I'm sorry to hear about your situation, even though I have no particular advice.

LiberalAndProud

(12,799 posts)
27. You've experienced more than a fair share of loss lately.
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 12:50 AM
Apr 2014

Parents, job, and now your not so sweetheart.

Perhaps ridding yourself of his negative reflection will open up new and brighter horizons. Be good to yourself. Better days will come.

http://www.workforce50.com/Content/Job-Search-for-Over50.cfm

 

lululu

(301 posts)
30. "not speaking to him for awhile"
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 08:27 AM
Apr 2014

How about never? No one needs someone like that in their life. You are much better off without him.

I hope you have good luck in your job search. It is tough out there for us older people.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
32. He thinks I don't try hard enough and I'm whiny.
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 08:43 AM
Apr 2014

He also said he doesn't care if we screw (his words) or not. After he bugged me the other night for 30 minutes to come over for that exact same purpose and I told him I did not do booty calls after 7 and jokingly told him to call Rosie Palm.

He had a rough week at work and I somehow insulted him. You're right, he is an egotistical bully.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
34. If he's as really successful as he says he is, why did he feel the need to tell me how I wasn't.
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 05:05 PM
Apr 2014

Successful people don't do that. They just quietly go their own way.

MrMickeysMom

(20,453 posts)
35. That kick in the ass was not useful, was it?
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 05:52 PM
Apr 2014

Perhaps in the long run, after the healing begins, you'll sense it was good that you now have you to focus on… and not this guy.

Be good to yourself bamademo. Don't fear… just fix what you need to for your own environment.

shenmue

(38,501 posts)
36. Sorry
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 05:57 PM
Apr 2014

You did the right thing. You are right to not let someone be mean to you. Sorry you had to go through all that.

mopinko

(69,806 posts)
37. fwiw, hubby of 32 years left today. .
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 09:36 PM
Apr 2014

i didn't misjudge him. i knew all along what a shit he could be. i just took the good with the bad for a whole lot longer than anyone in their right mind would have.
there was some marvelous good. and i am left in good shape.
but i really believed what i wanted to believe for the most part. it is pretty damn hard not too do.
but i turn 60 in august, and i look forward to the peace and quiet.

take care. and care about yourself.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
39. Very sorry. Sounds just like me. BF has started emailing me and makes it sound like my fault...
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 10:02 PM
Apr 2014

Cause I don't have job. I have been looking and looking but not good enough for him. I told him he was a fucking asshole Last message I sent after he continued to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough.

I am going to die There's nothing I can do about it. And so are
you. So I live each day like it's my last. And no one will remember us
except our relatives and not for very long. You don't get that so that's
why you treat people who care about you like shit.

Maybe you can find a nice woman on Christianmingles.com. Only a truly
Christian woman would forgive your asshole ways.

bamademo

(2,193 posts)
40. He is sorry now, been emailing me all night but won't say he's sorry.
Sun Apr 13, 2014, 11:31 PM
Apr 2014

I told him he's an asshole in no uncertain terms. He told me I'm too full of pride and I replied not so much that I can't tell you how much I loved you and how much you've hurt me but you're a total dick and I want to kick your balls in. Beware scorned women.

But the fact that he is emailing me constantly tells me he knows he fucked up. And not taking him back.

mopinko

(69,806 posts)
41. he does love you, he just needs you
Mon Apr 14, 2014, 08:04 AM
Apr 2014

needs you to not be alone. if yours is like mine, that was all could manage. a warm body in the night, a person to call when in trouble. just not alone.
get out now. it wont change. you just cant live like that.
i wonder how many months in my 32 years were not filled with the question of should i stay or should i go. most of them, i would say. except for the ones that were filled with- i wish i could go, i just cant.

not all the time, tho now it permeates everything
there were some amazing times.
but love? finally figured out he didnt have it in him

raccoon

(31,089 posts)
43. I suggest you go no contact with him. Block his calls, don't read his emails, etc.
Mon Apr 14, 2014, 08:34 AM
Apr 2014

Sounds like to me you're better off alone than with this guy.



Sheldon Cooper

(3,724 posts)
44. I second that. Block him from everything.
Mon Apr 14, 2014, 09:45 AM
Apr 2014

No more emails, no phone calls, no social media, no nothing. You have nothing to gain by continuously replying to his blaming and shaming emails, in fact you're just continuing the toxic spiral. Set yourself free. If you're determined to end things, make it a clean and (if necessary) brutal break. It will be for the best in the long run. Good luck.

Populist_Prole

(5,364 posts)
46. Sounds like he's flipped his lid. Seriously
Mon Apr 14, 2014, 07:40 PM
Apr 2014

His words sound too bizarre for even someone with a mean streak.

Loss of a parent could do that. Girl I once dated went off the deep end after losing both parents within a year. She got along with nobody, friends/family/coworkers, after that.

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