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This message was self-deleted by its author (Locut0s) on Fri Jan 3, 2014, 12:24 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

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Reply This message was self-deleted by its author (Original post)
Locut0s May 2013 OP
Betsy Ross May 2013 #1
Locut0s May 2013 #2
patricia92243 May 2013 #85
HipChick May 2013 #3
datasuspect May 2013 #6
Dash87 May 2013 #4
Locut0s May 2013 #24
Victor_c3 May 2013 #53
Cal33 May 2013 #67
Locut0s May 2013 #77
Cal33 May 2013 #80
talors511 May 2013 #49
datasuspect May 2013 #5
Locut0s May 2013 #25
Heidi May 2013 #54
riderinthestorm May 2013 #7
Locut0s May 2013 #26
sigmasix May 2013 #48
Lydia Leftcoast May 2013 #8
Locut0s May 2013 #27
Neoma May 2013 #9
Locut0s May 2013 #28
Wait Wut May 2013 #10
Locut0s May 2013 #29
Denis 11 May 2013 #11
Taverner May 2013 #12
KamaAina May 2013 #13
Locut0s May 2013 #30
KamaAina May 2013 #37
nomorenomore08 May 2013 #14
noamnety May 2013 #15
Locut0s May 2013 #31
RILib May 2013 #52
nolabear May 2013 #16
Locut0s May 2013 #32
LiberalEsto May 2013 #17
Locut0s May 2013 #33
Moondog May 2013 #18
nomorenomore08 May 2013 #19
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #21
Locut0s May 2013 #34
RFKHumphreyObama May 2013 #20
Locut0s May 2013 #35
tabbycat31 May 2013 #22
LadyHawkAZ May 2013 #23
Locut0s May 2013 #36
Neoma May 2013 #38
Locut0s May 2013 #39
LadyHawkAZ May 2013 #45
steve2470 May 2013 #40
Locut0s May 2013 #41
steve2470 May 2013 #42
Lydia Leftcoast May 2013 #43
steve2470 May 2013 #44
olddots May 2013 #46
Spitfire of ATJ May 2013 #47
Locut0s May 2013 #60
RILib May 2013 #50
Locut0s May 2013 #56
d_r May 2013 #51
Locut0s May 2013 #57
alphafemale May 2013 #55
Locut0s May 2013 #59
alphafemale May 2013 #61
LadyHawkAZ May 2013 #72
Locut0s May 2013 #76
LadyHawkAZ May 2013 #91
Tuesday Afternoon May 2013 #58
Democracyinkind May 2013 #62
Locut0s May 2013 #64
Nikia May 2013 #63
Locut0s May 2013 #65
Demo_Chris May 2013 #66
seaglass May 2013 #68
nomorenomore08 May 2013 #70
Demo_Chris May 2013 #71
seaglass May 2013 #78
Locut0s May 2013 #79
Demo_Chris May 2013 #92
Honeycombe8 May 2013 #82
nomorenomore08 May 2013 #69
Locut0s May 2013 #75
Demo_Chris May 2013 #93
Honeycombe8 May 2013 #73
Locut0s May 2013 #74
Honeycombe8 May 2013 #81
distantearlywarning May 2013 #83
Locut0s May 2013 #87
distantearlywarning May 2013 #89
Locut0s May 2013 #90
Locut0s May 2013 #86
Honeycombe8 May 2013 #95
patricia92243 May 2013 #84
darkangel218 May 2013 #88
dawg May 2013 #94
woolldog May 2013 #96
Whisp Nov 2013 #97

Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 02:42 AM

1. Use the talents listed

to turn the cons into a comedy routine and you'll have to fight them off with a stick. Of course there is hope. While some may have had earlier relationships and yet not find their life partner until late in life. (My husband and I were almost 50 when we met.) Best wishes to you.

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Response to Betsy Ross (Reply #1)

Thu May 9, 2013, 02:51 AM

2. Hah my father has suggested I should work out a comedy routine and try it out..

At the local comedy club on open mic night. I am good at making people laugh. But the stage and me do not mix well. I'd probably get up there and immediately shit my pants. Though that in and of itself might make for a funny routine.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #2)

Sun May 12, 2013, 09:30 AM

85. Write a humerous book - then self-publish on somplace like Amazon. Sell at a low

price - may not make a lot of money but the satisfaction of knowing anybody like you stuff well enough to buy it is a great feeling.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 03:30 AM

3. Don't give up hope..I firmly believe there is someone for everyone


What is holding mine up from showing up, I just don't know

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Response to HipChick (Reply #3)

Thu May 9, 2013, 09:56 AM

6. i have a soulmate out there somewhere

 

but she already died.

in ww2.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 09:52 AM

4. I'm not a relationship expert, but I would have to guess

that you aren't around women enough to meet any. Do you have any interests? You could maybe join a club at the gym or something.


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Response to Dash87 (Reply #4)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:06 PM

24. Yeah that would indeed by the biggest reason lol. I need to fix...

I need to fix my depression and anxiety issues first I think.

Thanks for the reply.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #24)

Fri May 10, 2013, 07:30 PM

53. It's always easy to fix people's problems

I have my own issues and I deal with a decent amount of depression and PTSD, but I've read that sometimes they've found that people with my issues find volunteer and community work very rewarding.

Doing something positive like community service might help with depression (maybe?) but it would also help you meet people that might have something in common with you.

If I didn't have kids and actually had time to do something for myself, I'd probably follow my own advice :rolleyes:

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #24)

Sat May 11, 2013, 11:14 PM

67. "I need to fix my depression and anxiety issues first I think." That's probably the biggest mistake

you are making right this minute -- you are actually postponing living until you believe
conditions are right. Well, conditions will never be right. Have you never noticed that
when you've overcome one challenging situation in life, before long another will have
appeared. That's true for everybody.

It's those who accept the challenges of life, move forward in spite of the fear of failure
and feeling depressed about oneself, who will get out of the fear and depression. Take
part in what life has to offer. Know and accept the fact that "We'll win some, and lose
some." Be grateful for the opportunities life is offering you. Having experienced both
success and failure will help to make you a more understanding and tolerant human
being.

Say "Yes" to life, for a change.

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Response to Cal33 (Reply #67)

Sun May 12, 2013, 05:03 AM

77. Probably true, I just need to fucking live!...

I'm emotionally and socially as stunted as an 15-18 year old while academically as developed as a prof. Actually you wouldn't know it to meet me as I don't talk in a meek tone or run off to a corner to hide. Quite the opposite I'm a fairly talkative extroverted guy in most ways. I just have some VERY extreme boundaries that I've never let myself cross and almost 0 real world experience. I've lived vicariously through my parents for almost all of my 31 years on this planet.

It's time that changed.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #77)

Sun May 12, 2013, 08:43 AM

80. Yes. Just jump in and live. As for mistakes and failures, we all make them. They

are the best teachers. It's through making mistakes that you begin
to learn and to make fewer of them. You will become a happier person
for having finally taken an active part in an area of life which you have
avoided up to now.

All the best wishes to you.

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Response to Dash87 (Reply #4)

Fri May 10, 2013, 03:35 AM

49. as far as i know

join club would help

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 09:55 AM

5. bro:

 

people ain't nothing but trouble.

i would focus on working out your issues first.

sometimes all we can do is just inflict ourselves on other people. but then again, there's lots of people out there who like to try and fix other people, so you might have a shot.

take care of yourself first, everything else will follow.

be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

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Response to datasuspect (Reply #5)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:07 PM

25. Yes I think I do need to concentrate on myself first. Thanks.

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Response to datasuspect (Reply #5)

Sat May 11, 2013, 05:44 AM

54. :thumbsup:

Excellent advice.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 10:55 AM

7. Of course! Have you tried joining any groups that include women?

Choral groups, volunteering, singles groups, "day" outings with the local park districts (ours has things like a day trip to the Cubs/Bulls/White Sox/Bears etc games)... go to some local festivals or the local farmer's markets - a lot of those have regulars who will start to become familiar. Besides these are where the people are that share your interests - its a lot easier to find someone that way than to try to manufacture a situation.

I'm convinced there's a partner for everyone who wants one out there. There's a woman whose waiting for you to appear - now you just have to get out there and meet her.

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Response to riderinthestorm (Reply #7)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:09 PM

26. This is true. Though my interests are mainly cerebral or nerdy which makes it a little harder...

I suppose I could look up book clubs or something. My main areas of interest would be science, computers, gaming, other nerdy stuff. There are actually some good gatherings for "nerds" (I hate using that term). Sakura Con, various gaming conversions. I know women like to go to them too. Would be a great place to meet a fellow nerdy girl

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #26)

Fri May 10, 2013, 03:20 AM

48. I met my wife playing D and D

When you become comfortable with yourself and just being who you are it is easier to find that "someone". Your dreams are worth just as much as the next person's-don't sell yourself short.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:54 AM

8. I'd say work on your other issues first

I understand that people might live with their parents for any number of reasons (I did it myself at one point), but I found that it was a major turn-off for potential romantic partners.

I once read an article about a man who lived with his mother and couldn't seem to get anything but platonic female friends. It turned out that the women were assuming that he was gay because he was living with his mother and therefore thought he was just being friendly when he invited them to something.

Do you have any female platonic friends? If you don't, you may be inclined to think of women as a strange, alien life form, and that will make you nervous. If you have trouble talking to women in general, you need to work on that. Once you have platonic female friends, ask them how you come across in social situations.

Work on living independently and getting out of the house more. Join social groups that do things that you are interested in, without any regard for whether you might meet women there, but preferably they should be things that both men and women are likely to enjoy or that attract slightly more women than men.

Desperation is another turn-off. Some people just radiate it. If that's a possibility, focus on other areas of your life first.

If a woman is fond of you, lack of experience will not be a problem. I've heard many stories from women friends about "initiating" an inexperienced man.

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Response to Lydia Leftcoast (Reply #8)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:12 PM

27. Thanks for the reply...

I do indeed need to work on myself first. I need to fix this lifelong problem I have with depression and anxiety. And yes moving out of the parents home would be something I would most likely do first before seriously looking for someone. I don't believe I radiate desperation, although I'm sure I would radiate some amount of awkwardness at first.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 12:00 PM

9. Sure.

A piece of advice: don't go looking for women for the romantic part, it won't last long. Friendship lasts longer, and you'll be respecting her a lot better by going that route. A true friend accepts you for who you are, so don't obsess to the negative crap so much. You'll get help when you need it, but don't let a person try to fix you. It's controlling and demeaning, and you don't need that.

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Response to Neoma (Reply #9)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:13 PM

28. Thanks! Indeed what I'm looking for really is a friend. Someone I can share my life with...

they would have to share my interests in computers or science, or something nerdy anyway for example.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 12:42 PM

10. You do realize...

...that there are thousands of women that would describe themselves the same way. There are probably a few here at DU.

Make eye contact, smile, embrace your awkwardness. She's going to be just as shy as you are, so you'll need to build up the confidence to say, "Hi".

If it's financially feasible, moving out of your parent's house is a huge step towards building confidence.



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Response to Wait Wut (Reply #10)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:15 PM

29. Right now it's not financially feasible...

to move out but more than that I need to fix my emotional problems first. I certainly don't want to be going out with a girl and still dealing with depression and anxiety and other shit at the same time. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 01:10 PM

11. Go to Lisdoonvarna County Clare Ireland in September.

Go to the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival, it is a month long festival of music, dancing and fun. August 30 2013 - September 30 2013. People from all over the world show up. Although Ireland is a great time all year round.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 01:13 PM

12. Find other people of a like mind...

 

They are there

Trust me

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 04:38 PM

13. C'mon, girls! He's Canadian!

You get all that AND universal health care!

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Response to KamaAina (Reply #13)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:18 PM

30. LOL a marriage of convenience to get an American into Canada...

haha interesting idea

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #30)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:36 PM

37. Alas, I'm not sure anyone would be interested my plodding USA self

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 05:41 PM

14. I'm a 28-year-old dude, never been in a relationship, not a virgin but have little experience.

I also live at home, although I have lived on my own previously. I've had various "issues" in the past - depression, anxiety, drug abuse - but most of those are relatively under control now, e.g. I'm not using hard drugs and I'm not suicidal.

Maybe it's worth noting that I have had quite a few platonic female friends, past and present. I guess I'm kind of an extreme example of the "friend zone" guy, though I hate using that term, and can't with a straight face. So maybe I can simply invoke the usual cliches - haven't met the right person yet etc. - and comfort myself in that fashion.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 05:44 PM

15. I'm gonna be a little blunt but (I hope) helpful.

"Initially probably looking for sex above other things" ... as a woman, I read that as "I want a woman I don't give a shit about that I can screw ... no offense." We don't generally appreciate men who are looking for a generic woman they can use and your attitude comes off a little like that to me.

What I find way more appealing: men (or other humans) who have an interest in life, people who put energy and effort into helping others without looking for what they can get out of it. People who are actively working to help others, instead of looking to use others.

I would look for a cause you care about, and get involved in that. Being involved in helping others might also help with self-esteem issues, and might help you to form bonds with other people in general (male and female). Maybe you'd like to work with habitat for humanity? working at a soup kitchen? tutoring kids?

I'm not sure what activities you're already involved in, but if you are involved in something like that it doesn't come across as a main focus in your life, in this post at least.

If moving out is going to plunge you or your parents into poverty, I wouldn't advise that. My husband, for what it's worth, lived with his folks into his late 20's and it didn't put me off at all. I actually appreciate that he did that, because it meant he was able to enter into our marriage without debt, and with a little toward a downpayment on a house, that was the money he would have otherwise spent on rent.

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Response to noamnety (Reply #15)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:22 PM

31. Don't worry you weren't blunt...

Yeah I didn't want that to come across as not caring about women. That's not it at all, but I can see how it would read that way. What I meant is most people, I know not all, play around sexually in their teens and twenties before finding out what they want. It's a natural part of growing up. I've never experienced that and I'd be lying if I said that sex wasn't something of a major motivation at least early on. But I am indeed looking for someone who I can share my life with, someone who shares my interests and someone I can talk to and have fun with.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #31)

Fri May 10, 2013, 04:31 PM

52. no, it isn't a natural part of growing up

 

just for some people.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 05:48 PM

16. Yes, there's definitely hope. But you have to be willing to be creative and take chances.

You know your limits but all kinds of possibilities are out here in the world. Good luck!

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Response to nolabear (Reply #16)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:23 PM

32. Thanks. Taking chances has never been my strong suit. I need to remedy this. nt.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:05 PM

17. Try making friends with some women. Just get to know them.

I know a young woman, the daughter of a friend, who was very fond of a co-worker, but he was too shy or something to make any kind of move. She was shy too. Feeling rejected, she dated others but nothing worked out. Meanwhile she and the young man remained close and considered one another good friends, even though he moved to another state.
Finally, after many years, she gathered up the nerve to drive more than 1000 miles to visit him. Still nothing happened. She worked up the nerve to tell him how much she cared about him, but he said it wouldn't work because they lived so far apart. She went home, feeling miserable.
A few months later he was visiting her part of the country, and they got together for an evening. He told her he had changed his mind and wanted her to come live with him. They've been together every since and seem very happy. Both are about your age.

There's hope for you yet.
Good luck!

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Response to LiberalEsto (Reply #17)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:25 PM

33. Indeed I need to get out and start making friends first and foremost...

That and solve my life long battle with depression and anxiety, though perhaps the solution to one is the solution to the other as well.

That's a great story, gives me hope. Thanks

Thanks for the reply!

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:23 PM

18. OK, Dude, you've heard from most of the

most charming Ladies of the Lounge. They have been their typically sweet selves.

Here is one (far less than sensitive) guy's take.

1. If you can afford it, get your own place. Now. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Move.

2. Start getting some exercise - you'll feel better and will probably lose a few pounds too.

3. Stop telling women all you want to do is get laid. You're not helping yourself, or any other guy, by saying that shit. It probably isn't true anyway, so stop being obsessed about it.

4. Here's a news flash - women like sex too. You obviously do not want to, or do not know how to, lead. Be open to the possibility that there are ladies out there who are willing to lead. But do all of us a favor, and STFU long enough that one of them will take pity on you and boink you till you go blind.

You're welcome.

That is all.

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Response to Moondog (Reply #18)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:26 PM

19. Good advice right there. Even assuming #1 isn't feasible, the rest is pretty solid.

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Response to Moondog (Reply #18)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:41 PM

21. Well that is certainly telling it like it is! n/t

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Response to Moondog (Reply #18)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:32 PM

34. Your advise isn't harsh at all...

maybe by DU standards it is. But I've talked with others on other forums and gotten WAY harsher advise than that, some just plainly telling me to "off myself".

1. Yes I do need to move out for my own mental health. I know my life long depression and anxiety issues are not being helped by staying here. However it's not really financially feasible for me to move right now. I've been trying to finish a university diploma or degree so I can get something of a respectable job so I can make the move. However the depression and other issues have turned this from a 3-4 year goal into a 10+ year one.

2. Yes this is important I know. Right now I have very very little motivation to do anything. However in times past I've lost up to 100lbs and felt great. Right now I'm just trying not to be too self destructive. But if and when I start to feel better emotionally I will start loosing weight.

3. I've never told a women anything of the sort. I've never even talked to many women about anything for any length of time. Indeed that's not all I want, and I would never approach a woman in that way. However given I'm 31 and have never experienced sex of any kind I'd by lying if I didn't say that in the short term it's something of a roadblock for me. Long term I want a friend who I can share my life with.

4. I do realize this, thanks.

Thanks for the advise!

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:40 PM

20. Wow, you seem to have many of the same problems and advantages I have

Good luck. I sure could use some.

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Response to RFKHumphreyObama (Reply #20)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:32 PM

35. Thanks, you too :D

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:42 PM

22. I sent you a PM

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Thu May 9, 2013, 07:59 PM

23. Of course there's hope

Believe it or not, yours isn't a unique story- I've met guys who were in the same situation that were older than you. There's always hope. Don't give up!

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Response to LadyHawkAZ (Reply #23)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:33 PM

36. Thank you. I need to keep on trucking on as they say...

The primary thing is to see if I can resolve my life long issues with depression and anxiety etc.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #36)

Thu May 9, 2013, 11:59 PM

38. Depression and anxiety can't leave with a snap of your fingers.

I know, I've been giving you advice like crazy it feels like. (You really should start eating better. ) But what some people in this thread doesn't know is that these are problems that might not go away.

If you're obsessing about things you think you can control but can't, you're setting yourself up into a feedback loop. Which is the very thing that can contribute to your depression and anxiety. You have these emotions in a what sounds like a toxic environment to your health while the situation with your parents is probably pretending otherwise...

You're in your "normal." Everyone has their "normal" on what they usually do and react to. Your normal is being frustrated and feeling probably a bit hopeless on certain things. Stepping outside of your habitual illness ridden behavior feels very unsafe to people. It's not their normal. Finding a girlfriend is stepping outside of your normal and that's probably why you feel/felt rather afraid that you might not find one. It's always the thoughts of, "what ifs."

Sometimes people get a case of the shoulds. I should do this, I should do that...Replace it with "I will." Shoulds rarely come to be, you don't want to set yourself up for that. And it stops a lot of people in their tracks without them realizing it.

Do what you can, but I don't want you to get upset because nothing still doesn't seem to change. Your illness might not change, but your attitude towards your illness can. But maybe ironically, getting a girlfriend is part of the process of getting you healthier.

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Response to Neoma (Reply #38)

Fri May 10, 2013, 12:10 AM

39. Thank you for that Neoma...

Yes indeed I do need to step out of my comfort zone more. And coming to accept some of my problems is probably one of the first steps I need to take, instead of feting over when I'll be healed. But that's a difficult realization to come to. I think I need to do things in small steps.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #36)

Fri May 10, 2013, 01:28 AM

45. Finding companionship can be part of that

Generally speaking, anyway- I don't know your specific situation or what it is you feel is holding you back.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 10, 2013, 12:27 AM

40. in addition to the good advice you've gotten here...

Move heaven and earth to see a counselor or therapist or psychologist on a regular (weekly) basis. Psychiatrists have their place but the vast majority are NOT good at therapy.

I'm sure in Vancouver (from your other super long thread I think that's where you live) there are low-cost or even free clinics that offer therapy. If you can't manage to go every week, go at least twice a month. If you are not happy or comfortable after the second visit, then get a referral to see someone else or just find someone else. Don't be afraid to see a woman for therapy, there's nothing wrong with it and a female therapist might be the right fit for you. Be open and be honest about your situation when you go. You gain nothing by putting up a false front or playing any games.

Best wishes, I'm sure you will do fine.

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Response to steve2470 (Reply #40)

Fri May 10, 2013, 12:33 AM

41. Yes I'm trying to set up a meeting with a therapist again...

I have experience with psychiatrists not being good with therapy sadly. The last guy I saw just kept pushing pill after pill after pill at me. I don't mind taking medication for my problems but I feel that the solution needs to be two pronged. Every time I would gently push him and ask him about therapy options and the like he would get impatient and either brush it off or prescribe me something new.

I'm trying to get back to see a therapist I saw for a while a few months back. She wasn't the best but better than nothing. Sadly the Canadian health care system will pay for all psychiatric visits but won't pay a dime for most therapists or psychologists, with a few exceptions like this lady I saw.

Thanks for the good wishes

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #41)

Fri May 10, 2013, 12:42 AM

42. Try a Google search for Vancouver + mental health + clinic or some combo like that

In the USA we have counties (subdivisions of the state) where we have county mental health departments that typically offer low cost or free therapy, usually geared to your income. I would be totally astonished if you cannot find the same in your area. That's too bad about Canadian health care, but luckily I think this can be circumvented.

Again, I'm sure long term you will be fine, just don't give up and STAY IN THERAPY. Don't quit until you've really talked things out with your current therapist. If you quit, go back or find a new therapist.

Best wishes !

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Response to steve2470 (Reply #42)

Fri May 10, 2013, 12:55 AM

43. The pills stop you from sliding deeper into depression, but to really get over it

you need to figure out how to change your life.

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Response to Lydia Leftcoast (Reply #43)

Fri May 10, 2013, 01:00 AM

44. exactly

Medication has its place at the psychotherapeutic table, but nothing can take the place of long-term (more than 4 session brief therapy) psychotherapy to address issues such as anxiety, depression, social anxiety, etc. Just having a sympathetic/empathetic ear and ally will help him gather the strength needed to change his life.

I don't know this young man of course, but from what little I see, I see motivation and hope, both great things to possess. I wish him all the best.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 10, 2013, 02:10 AM

46. i choose to call your anxiety and depression sensitivity .

there are 7 billion people and sensitivity seems to be a dirty word now.....

Don't worry there are sensitive people like you out there and here on DU ......part of sensitivity is shyness and that's the real hard part

because we give off a desperate vibe . your quest will be hard but very worth it --I would stay away from insensitive social situations like dating sites ( meat markets) but you already know that. Think about where you met people you like -it's hard cause we forget the place and situation . I'm no help at this sorry ----just remember you are sensitive ,you're in a minority but the good people are always in a minority ( sucks doesn't it ? )

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 10, 2013, 02:44 AM

47. On that "excellent sense of humor" thing...

Don't try to impress her with an exploding cigar...

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Response to Spitfire of ATJ (Reply #47)

Sat May 11, 2013, 01:59 PM

60. Good thing you told me, I was just about to mail a few off...

Stick with the tried and true hand buzzer eh? Gotcha, thanks!

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 10, 2013, 07:46 AM

50. If it were not for the problem of disease and exploitation

 

I'd say find a prostitute.

Also, consider re-evaluating yourself more realistically. If you were that great, you wouldn't be having this problem. Living at home with Mom and Dad at your age is also a clue.

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Response to RILib (Reply #50)

Sat May 11, 2013, 01:46 PM

56. You want me to re-evaluate myself downward?

I don't think that's the best idea. I already think about as low of myself as can be as it is.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 10, 2013, 08:37 AM

51. I'm going to say this.

don't list off your negatives. Don't think about negatives. Have some confidence. Be comfortable with yourself. Live in your own skin. Be happy. Don't think that you have to look for a relationship. Just be. Spend time around other people and leave the opportunities open. Figure what the hell. Be confident in yourself.

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Response to d_r (Reply #51)

Sat May 11, 2013, 01:48 PM

57. Thanks. I'm not very good at just being, though I wish to god I was...

I'm far to worried about the little details. What so and so might think or say, what I should be doing, what I'm not doing. I drive myself crazy instead of just being.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sat May 11, 2013, 09:21 AM

55. Hire a pro for your first time. Maybe the first few times.

You are likely to become too attached to the first woman that shows a smidgen of interest otherwise.

Clinging will scare them away.

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Response to alphafemale (Reply #55)

Sat May 11, 2013, 01:55 PM

59. Wow. Not to be sexist but I'm surprised a woman would suggest this...

I've had other guys suggest the same though even there many suggest against it. Really the largest reasons I don't do this are shyness, I think it takes even more guts to call up an escort/prostitute in some ways, and the thought of what I'd say latter on to women I met. I don't want to have to lie about my first time when asked by others in the future. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with saying that I had hired an escort or prostitute.. Then of course there is the issue of exportation, I'm not against prostitution on basic moral grounds and I think that it should definitely be legal but it do think there are issues with it.

Though I get what you are saying. You risk being too clingy with the first girl you get attached too. I'm not sure this would definitely be a problem so long as I was a aware of it though.

EDIT: Or were you referring to an entirely non sexual escort service? Sorry I'm not even sure what exists vis a vi this type of thing.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #59)

Sat May 11, 2013, 03:58 PM

61. I've surprised many.

So...go to Vegas. Completely legal.

Book your tickets yesterday.

Sex is awesome.

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Response to alphafemale (Reply #61)

Sun May 12, 2013, 01:35 AM

72. **Not legal in Vegas!!!!**

Pahrump! Send him out to Pahrump! It's illegal in Clark County!

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Response to LadyHawkAZ (Reply #72)

Sun May 12, 2013, 05:00 AM

76. Hah lol, you ladies seem to know about this ;) Actually I know...

about the "Bunny Ranch" and the fact that it's situated in a small area outside Vegas where they have made it legal. I remember watching a show about it long time back on TLC or something like that.

Or I could take a trip to Amsterdam. I've actually been there before on Vacation, very nice place. Been thinking of saving up the courage to do some world travelling of my own (not related to the topic of this thread directly). Europe is high on my list, so is Japan. Fuck it so are most places on earth. I've done a lot of travelling with my parents over the years, but it's different doing it on your own.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #76)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:34 PM

91. From someone who spent 10 years in the business there,

trust me, the Vegas underground is not where you want to have your first experience.

I've known several people who worked at the Chicken Ranch though (prostitutes and security), and had nothing but good things to say about it. It comes highly recommended. No pun intended.

Traveling always made me feel a lot better when I was still dealing with depression- they say that you can't run from your problems, but sometimes a change of scenery really does help.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sat May 11, 2013, 01:52 PM

58. “Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there,

it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.”

~Josh Hartnett

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Response to Democracyinkind (Reply #62)

Sat May 11, 2013, 08:11 PM

64. Hah, George's opposite solution. Brilliant. And it may not be far off the truth :P

PS: You have a pound sign in the link that prevents it from linking directly.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sat May 11, 2013, 08:01 PM

63. Many people deal with anxiety and/or depression

Not to downplay your condition, but realizing this can be part of making it less debilitating to you. You can realize that you aren't so strange or damaged or whatever other negative labels you are attaching to yourself because of you. You can realize that you have a right to be involved in the lives others inspite of this. You can empathize with others who have these problems too.
Making changes in your life takes courage. Meeting new people is probably scary, but it anyway and you will feel better.

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Response to Nikia (Reply #63)

Sat May 11, 2013, 08:13 PM

65. Thank you. I think meeting new people will actually be part of the soluton...

It will help me heal. Though you are right that for me it is very stress inducing, even though a large part of me is actually excited to do so.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sat May 11, 2013, 10:37 PM

66. Not a woman, but of COURSE there is hope for you...

 

Since you clearly need actual help allow me to advise you. I will be blunt:

Alpha the hell up.

Forget cuddling and sensitivity, forget listening and being their best girlfriend ever, forget everything you learned as a boy about what women want, and for god's sake don't listen to the advice of any females. If I were to guess you are probably a NICE guy who cares a great deal about other people. More, I suspect that to you women are special magical creatures deserving of respect and consideration and pursuit -- you probably believe that you aren't good enough for them. Hell, your post says as much.

Wipe that BS out of your mind right now. You're smart, which means you probably tried to figure all this stuff out logically, based on the information you have been given all your life, and when it doesn't work you assume the problem is you. It's not. The problem isn't YOU, it's with the information you have been given. As they say, garbage in garbage out.

Confidence with women, like anything in life, just takes a little practice. Fortunately there are quite a few women out there to practice on. So turn on your brain and apply it to the problem. Instead of trying to do what everyone says you are supposed to do, instead do what WORKS -- in your case that would be the opposite of what hasn't worked thus far. Talk to every attractive woman you see. Say hello, ask them out to coffee, offer them a fifty for a blow job. Whatever. Go ahead and fuck up, it's okay -- there are a hundred million more of them so who the hell cares. Stop giving a damn what they think. Stop CARING so damn much, stop liking them and worshipping them. Fuck that, if they want to be treated well they can damn well earn it.

If you are having trouble finding the confidence to get started, that's easy to fix too. PRETEND. You think Brad Pitt is really as "cool" as he seems in the movies? You think Tom Cruise really does the impossible? Hell no. It's called acting. So the next time you're feeling nervous ACT like one of these guys. Ask yourself how James Bond would ask out this woman, and do that. Believe it or not, that's how you build successful habits. And for Cthuhlu's sake don't fall in love with the first chick that you win. You're a wolf, a predator, so keep hunting.

Anyway, good hunting my friend.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #66)


Response to seaglass (Reply #68)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:59 AM

70. You may be right...

But considering I haven't been a great deal more successful with women than the OP has, what the hell do I know?

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Response to seaglass (Reply #68)

Sun May 12, 2013, 01:26 AM

71. You feel "bitter" and like a loser when your best efforts with women end in failure....

 

The OP is relating a very common experience. In his case it's perhaps a bit more severe than some, but that's no crime -- it just means he tried harder and longer than most to do things the "proper" way. It's not working of course, it rarely does, and he's made himself miserable doing it, but that's what happens when reality curb stomps fantasy.

I know what that feels like. I also know that this is one of those topics where pretty much everyone offers advice based not on reality, but on how they would like things to be. Most people's advice on this is as silly as the classic "Work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone, and you're bound to get ahead!" mantra.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #71)


Response to seaglass (Reply #78)

Sun May 12, 2013, 08:15 AM

79. Nice reply, similar to my own reply below.

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Response to seaglass (Reply #78)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:36 PM

92. Insert amazing title here

 

I have read the OPs response. As with my original post to this topic I am considering how to respond -- and more, whether a response is necessary or useful. In any case, we are not talking here about someone going through a temporary dating slump. It's enough of a problem that the OP (and others in this thread) brought it to us. I took it seriously enough to post a real answer, knowing as I did so that this answer flies in the face of political or forum 'correctness.'

To answer your specific questions: I am batting 100% on the blowjob thing. However, I only did this once just to see what she would do. I offered her a twenty. She wasn't a prostitute -- at least not prior to that point in time -- she was a friend who asked me for a ride. The point of mentioning it here was not that this is good way to meet women or get laid (though based on my experience maybe it is), but as an example of boldness and action. Ask them out, ask them for sex, do whatever. Just DO it and to hell with cute pickup lines, to hell with their delicate feminine sensibilities, and to hell with your nervousness.

As for your next question, that's a bit more complex. I do not believe it is worthwhile to treat anyone badly. I do, however, suggest that men trying to break this best-friends-forever beta cycle embrace indifference (that to them at least) borders on cruelty. Remember the type of guy that this is directed to. The challenge with men like this is not learning to treat women well or better than they deserve, it is learning to treat women like they are adults, and learning to treat yourself as deserving of something better. The BFF guy doesn't need to learn compassion and courtesy, he'll lie in a mud puddle to keep princess from getting her high heals dirty. He needs to learn that it's okay to tell her to lie in that puddle, then walk around it laughing.

As for how many women stick around for this... there are two answers. The first is who cares. There's no shortage of women, but there's only one of you, so enjoy yourself. That's the correct attitude to have. The second, more interesting answer, is that most of them do stick around -- it's the best way to get them to stick around. But again, who cares. My post wasn't offering advice on how to meet and treat women (and yourself) so that you have the opportunity to find that right woman and forge that bond.

The reality is this: From the time we are little boys, men are constantly bombarded with a bunch of knight errant / 1950s TV asexual bullshit about how we are supposed to treat women and what women want from us. There's a bit of truth in it, but only a bit. Some guys never quite figure this out, they do the "nice guy" thing, they become the perfect buddy, and when it fails to land them the girl they think the flaw is in themselves. The flaw here is not with them and it's not with women, the flaw is in the ADVICE. Kindness and compassion are hopefully rewarded with kindness and compassion, friendship with friendship. No one should expect more than this, and yet that's NOT what men are taught.

Women are not looking for a knight in shining armor who will worship and serve from a safe chaste distance. When they ride off it's with the knight wearing black.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #71)

Sun May 12, 2013, 08:54 AM

82. He doesn't need a gf. He needs to get moving on being an adult.

He needs to finish with the degree he's been nursing for a decade, and either give it up, change it to something more practical, or settle in to a career at 7-11.

He needs to leave the nest and start living like the adult he is. For his own good. He's not learning the life lessons we all learn when we're young. He's still living like a teenager, and having the teen emotional issues.

Gf? That should be the least of his concerns.

But as for women, it is never good advice to tell someone to treat others unkindly or disrespectfully. That is a universal truth. As you say, garbage in, garbage out.

But he needs to move out, get a job, and start learning life lessons, how to cope with life on his own. If he doesn't, he's heading for disaster when Mom passes on.

Very few men end up alone and old. It's easy for men. Tall, short, fat, skinny, glasses, handsome, not handsome, disabled, paraplegic...doesn't matter. Very few men end up alone. Once he moves out on his own, gets a job, and starts living life as the adult he is, "they will come," as the saying goes. Esp if he lives in a big city.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #66)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:56 AM

69. I don't even know what the hell's right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid, anymore...

So your advice may have some validity, cynical as it is. But just because you don't put someone on a pedestal doesn't mean you have to treat them like dogshit either. There's got to be a happy medium somewhere in between.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #66)

Sun May 12, 2013, 04:51 AM

75. Actually you are wrong on one account about me...

I won't pick apart your argument because I know enough of the world to know, even if I haven't experienced it myself that your way is certainly A way to get women. And I know this forum will probably pick you apart (right or wrong, your opinion is actually norm among lots of guys). The question is if it's the way I want to, or will get the type of women I want. I'm not so sure about that. If all I want to do is fuck and I don't care about the women then your way certainly works, every male author, every bar tender, every person who knows much knows that's true. But then why not just hire a prostitute, that's much faster and gets the same results. Short term yeah that may be what I'm looking for (and by short term I mean like first 2 or 3 encounters). After that I'm looking for someone I actually like and care for and want to be with. I'd prefer to look for both at the same time.

The part you are wrong about is that I'm bitter and fed up with failure. That's not true at all. I'm bitter and fed up with my pathetic depression and anxiety issues that have kept me at the social/emotional developmental level of a 14 year old, even if I have the academic mind of a good scientist (I'm not saying I necessarily do but I don't think it's too far of a stretch). The simple truth is that I have not even tried AT ALL. If I had tried and tried and tried and failed at every turn I would probably have come to your conclusion by myself, god knows I've heard the approach enough.

The one thing I WILL definitely take away from this, and I didn't need you to tell me but thanks anyway, is that I need confidence. That is the KEY thing that I lack. But I don't think I need to throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. I know it's late in life for me at 31 but I still have some time left to try more than one technique. I'll try the nicer guy first, WITH SOME CONFIDENCE. We'll see where it goes.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #75)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:39 PM

93. Confidence breeds confidence so that's a good place to begin. Good hunting! nt

 

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sun May 12, 2013, 01:38 AM

73. You didn't mention your vocation & education. That's important.

Financial stability and level of education are important.

But whatever the answer on those things, there is someone for everyone. If you want it and actively look for it, and act when the opportunity comes your way.

Online dating services are good, I hear. But be careful.

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Response to Honeycombe8 (Reply #73)

Sun May 12, 2013, 04:40 AM

74. Student...

Been trying to finish some form of a degree for 10+ years, again the depression and other issues have always gotten in my way. I must have dropped out of SFU 4 or 5 times, I dropped 2 courses this year. I'm slowly working towards at least a diploma in IT. Hoping to make it a Bachelors of Technology. In the past I contemplated a career as a research scientist in one of several fields, probably cosmology or particle physics, but that dream kind of fell apart. I have the grades for it and other things, usually average about 90% in most technical, math, or science sources, but I'd always allow stress or anxiety to push me over the edge. I barely made it past this last term emotionally, however it was the first full year I've finished back to back semesters.

Aside from that I've worked retail jobs for about 5 years in between school. Best I every achieved was assistant manager at a 7-11 for about 4 years. That was actually very successful for me and I enjoyed working that job, but it kind of fell apart at the end.

None of these exactly scream girlfriend material, lol. Although I know I have the potential.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #74)

Sun May 12, 2013, 08:43 AM

81. Oh, my. Let me tell you something.

You didn't ask for my advice, but let me tell what you need to hear.

You are not maturing as an adult. You seem much like my older sister. She lived off my mom, and went to school off and on for years. She didn't work, like you do, so there is that. She finally got a degree, but guess what? There's a point at which you are TOO OLD for a degree to do you any good financial. She never got a job in her field. Plus, it took her so long to get her degree, she no longer wanted to do that.

But I mention my sister because...while she was living for years with my mom, she wasn't learning to mature and live as an adult. At some point, she got too old to learn those life lessons and learn what most people learn when they are 25.

There are many life lessons you are missing out on. Learning how to cope on your own, deal with problems, learning to be self sufficient and fight your way out of a bag, so to speak. We all go through this. Except some who never leave the comfort of their parents' home.

You'll be 40 soon. 40. That's young to me. But a bit old to learn how to deal with life for the first time as an adult. You run the risk of not being able to catch up. My sister was unable to learn these things after Mom passed away. She ended up almost homeless (the family ended up helping her just a bit, to keep her in a ceap dingy apt - all we could afford, while she looked for min. wage work). Her degree meant nothing. She was 40 years old with a degree with no solid work history.

I should think a gf is the least of your concerns, until you get out on your own and start living as an adult. Quit kidding yourself about that science degree. Either finish it and look for work in that field asap, before you're too old, or accept it's not gonna happen, and settle in to a career at 7-11 or change your degree to something you're more interested in and practical.

Please consider these words of warning. There really is a point at which you will be too old to start from scratch like a 20 year old. You are an adult in his 30s. We all have to work for a living and support ourselves. It's time you do that. Even if you're an only child who is going to inherit wealth, you need to work for a living, learn to function on your own.

I wish you the best with your emotional issues. You must learn to deal with that, too. A hard row to hoe, but you must, as many people must. I had my bout with them, as well, but I was much younger.

It's hard, but fun and satisfying, to live on your own and deal with the world as an adult. You will be responsible for your own happiness, and it's a very satisfying feeling. When I look around, I see (once I get past the messy house) things that I alone have paid for through my own struggles and hard work. It's very satisfying and adds to a feeling of self-worth. And it's been fun, to break the ties with parents and the dysunction that is sometines inherent in a family situation.

It'll be fun to learn who you really are, separate from your parents. It's time.

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Response to Honeycombe8 (Reply #81)

Sun May 12, 2013, 09:14 AM

83. Best advice in this thread, IMO

Would also add (as a happily married 30-something woman who dated a variety of guys before she settled down), that for me, the "living with parents" thing would be the only real deal breaker on your list. The virgin thing is a bit of a tough sell too, but I think at least some women would probably overlook that if they liked what else you had to offer, especially if you're interested in shy, geeky women anyway. (No judgment - I'm not shy, but I am geeky myself....nothing wrong with that type at all! )

But the lack of independence as a 30-something is very problematic. If I were single again, I would be EXTREMELY wary of any potential dating partner who still lived with his parents. Women in their 30s are likely looking for people who are competent and mature, people they can potentially start raising a family with. No woman wants to have kids with someone who is still a kid themselves. I would think, "am I going to end up responsible like a parent for this man-boy who may not know how to do basic adult life tasks like cook for himself, hold down a housing situation and a job?". It's not sexy. It's a total turn-off. Women are sexually attracted to competence, power, and independence, not helplessness and dependency.

I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just being honest. Like the above poster, I think you need to find a way to move out and be on your own for a while.

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Response to distantearlywarning (Reply #83)

Sun May 12, 2013, 09:44 AM

87. It's fine I need some harshness. Though perhaps I oversold my immaturity...

I don't lack any basic life skills and can more than look after myself. Cooking, cleaning, etc etc I have no issues with. And I don't come across in the least childish or immature for my age, though I suppose that depends on the topic of conversation. But you two are right the underlying issues are the same, no experience and little confidence. Couldn't be more of a turn off for most men or woman.

More than anything I just need to get out and fucking live my life. I just wish my emotions would let me.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #87)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:15 PM

89. You are the only one who knows yourself - your level of maturity and competency

Certainly none of us internet strangers know you beyond a few paragraphs you've posted about your life, and I am in no way trying to personally judge you based on that kind of scant information.

Nevertheless, in the dating world you will be asking women to take a chance on you. I worry that the "living with your parents at age 30" thing will stop you right out of the gate, before you even get the opportunity to demonstrate your maturity and competency to anyone. I'm saying, as a woman who was once single and dating, that issue probably would have discouraged me from the get-go with a potential partner - I wouldn't have necessarily spent the time or energy to find out if the individual was truly mature and competent or not, because there are a lot of fish in the sea. Unfair or not, it's just a fact about the world, especially when you get into your 30s - many singles no longer have the time or patience to hang around for many months or years waiting to see if someone is "better than they appear on paper". They're going to just bypass your personal ad (or whatever) and move on to the one where the guy says he owns his own house and makes a good income.

I'm sorry. It's a harsh world out there.

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Response to distantearlywarning (Reply #89)

Sun May 12, 2013, 12:24 PM

90. Oh no I fully agree I need to move out before considering dating...

My point was that I'm mature enough that once I DO move out I shouldn't be like a 17 year old who has just moved out. I'm confident enough in my worldly wisdom and abilities. I'm far less confident in making it through the next year or so without becoming a street alcoholic or worse due to my other issues. I've been suicidal in the past.

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Response to Honeycombe8 (Reply #81)

Sun May 12, 2013, 09:40 AM

86. Thank you. I find that pretty scary to read to tell you the truth, but i know it to be the truth...

However perhaps I've oversold my immaturity. I have all the life skills needed to live on my own, there's nothing missing in these terms. I don't come across as the least bit childish in person or immature. But you are right about the basic underlying problem I have no hands on experience and it's getting late in life.

I just hope I can make it emotionally.

Thank you.

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #86)

Mon May 13, 2013, 10:52 PM

95. I apologize for the preachiness.

Thanks for not hitting me hard with that. I may have gotten carried away because your situation reminded me so much of my older sister's. I and others in my family didn't recognize the danger in my sister's situation. When Mom died, though, we recognized that Sis had never been totally on her own. She didn't know how to do that. She'd always had Mom to save her from any situation, or even blame when things went wrong. She was incapable of living on her own, much less moving somewhere to a better economy. She would've told you that she's mature, that she didn't miss out on life lessons. But she had, of course. And it was too late. People don't want to put up with a middle aged person just learning about how to put up with irritating coworkers or handling a car repair or whatever. She's never had to put up with things because she needed the paycheck (because she didn't really need the paycheck...she had Mom as a fallback).

By "maturity," I didn't mean the way a person acts. I mean inside. The ability to cope and deal and handle situations on a higher level than, say, age 20. And I don't mean cooking and cleaning, although that's part of it. It's a million little things that a person learns when living as an adult, on his own. And knowing that you HAVE to make something work. One day you'll have children, I guess. How can you care for them, if you've never cared totally for yourself?

If you don't live on your own, you cannot know what you don't know about that experience. You could still have your parent(s) around, but have your own place. I also wanted to warn you about the approach of 40. I remember being your age. 40 seemed a long way away. But it comes around sooner than you think.

You sound like a great guy who has great parents who love you. As for girls, once you move out on your own, I suggest an online dating service. I've known several people who have met their spouses that way. It really is a good way to meet specific women. Better than bars. But when I was 30, I probably wouldn't have been interested in a man who still lived at home. You're lucky...men have it pretty easy when it comes to the opposite sex. You don't have to be gorgeous, have a great body, or a lot of things that women have to have. The #1 things men have to have, IMO: Personality (there's a reason that women like comedians); good job (you don't have to be rich, but helps to have to have a vocation, a skill... some way to make a living - after all, men know from birth that they will have to make a living...if I could make a living with a decent vocation, and I wasn't even raised to do that, I am perplexed by men who don't do that). I have met all sorts of men, even men with disabilities, who have met and married nice looking women. Women are attracted to hard working, good men, who are confident, make them laugh, fun to be around, are considerate, nice enough looking, decent enough body...you get the idea.

If you are running into women who want flashy cars...run for the hills. That's not gf material. If all you want is a lay...head to the bars. If you act confidant enough, can take rejection, and if you buy her a few drinks, you're bound to get lucky. You have to be able to take rejection, though. My ex could give you lessons in that. Rejection? Ha! Persistence was his middle name. A natural born salesman. He called me a number of times before I'd agree to go out with him (he was younger). He got me to go out with him, fall in love with him, and marry him. And then divorce him.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sun May 12, 2013, 09:27 AM

84. Dating Sites - met and married best hubby in the world after 35 years of

being divorced.

Just be upfront about your situation - that way women that are truly interested in you will contact you.



Good luck. Keep us posted how it is going!

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sun May 12, 2013, 01:54 PM

94. We have somewhat similar troubles, Locut0s.

Here is what I think you should do:

Join a dating site. Put up at least three flattering pictures of yourself. At least one should show your teeth (unless they are a problem). It would also be cool if at least one showed you doing something cool. (It's okay to "stage" the photo, so long as it portrays something that you do actually do, and isn't entirely fictional)

Write up a really positive profile. Don't lie, but don't rattle off your negatives either. Let them find those out the hard way.

It's okay to mention your awkwardness with women, but do so only briefly.

Once your profile is complete, browse the women's profiles looking for women you find interesting. Pay little, if any, attention to their photos. Focus mainly on their beliefs and interests.

Once you have found some interesting women, start contacting them. If you are able to exchange two or three friendly messages with a woman, ask her to meet you for coffee or something.

Don't be surprised when most of them say no. You aren't for everybody, but who wants to be a generic "Ken" doll anyway?

Just keep at it. It's purely a numbers game at this point.

Imagine your surprise when one of them finally says yes!

At that point, you are dating dude. You might goof up the date all to hell, but you are now in the game.

Once you start the process, it just a matter of time until you find someone you sort of click with. Statistically, it's bound to happen. But you have to get started. And then you have to stick with it. You can't just give up and sit at home bemoaning your sad state of affairs. (Well, that last bit was directed more towards me than to you.)

Like my smartest friend once told me, they aren't gonna just come knocking on your door saying "I heard a single man lived here".

And you *will* have to contact them on the dating site. Don't expect them to contact you. I know some women will make the first move, but most of them expect you to do so.

Once you get to the date, just remember that you are there to share coffee with a person. Not to try and get to first base. Just coffee and conversation. If you enjoy her company, ask to see her again. Maybe at night this time.

It may take you months to get that far along with a potential girlfriend. But they say the hunt is half the fun. Even if you prove to be a dating disaster, it will still be an adventure. And who knows, you might incompetently stumble upon Ms. Right one day. (Or at least Ms. Right-Now )

Anyway, good luck. Don't take the advice of people who tell you to treat women like a jerk. There are some women who actually do respond to that sort of behavior. But they are stupid, insecure women that a sensitive guy like you really needs to avoid anyway.

Also, don't get too hung up on the sex thing.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri May 17, 2013, 07:31 PM

96. No hope.

Sorry.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2013, 02:52 PM

97. You sound really nice and interesting.

 

I would have found you to be very very attractive in a lot of ways, back in the day when I was around your age.

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