I am afraid of commitment.

[alarimer]

Except I am not sure afraid is the right word. I guess I do not understand the whole concept of marriage. It seems unecessary for people like us. My boyfriend has been married twice. He has kids; we will not be having any. So why is he hellbent on getting married again? I like the idea of living together, but I do not particularly want to get married. I do not want to be a stepmom. I loathe the very idea. His family is frightening. Christmas with them was a nightmare for me.

His concept of marriage is a little creepy to me. He says that it proves to the rest of the world that the two of you are a unit. I really hate that idea. I am an individual and do not wish to be treated as anything else. So I really fear a loss of independence.

Plus there is the whole "forever" thing. I might be missing out. Just lately I have developed a massive crush on someone else and, in my daydreams, have the sort of feelings that I have never felt in real life. Clearly something is missing for me.

I do understand that there are some legal rights associated with marriage but I am not sure that is enough for me to put up with never again feeling that passion of being with someone new and exciting.

[pacalo]

1. Good for you for knowing what you *don't* want.

do not want to be a stepmom. I loathe the very idea. His family is frightening. Christmas with them was a nightmare for me.

That's more than enough justification for you not to take that big step. It wouldn't be fair to yourself, your boyfriend, but especially to the children.

Take your time. You'll absolutely know it when you've met the right one. You won't want to be away from him; that's how I knew!

[alarimer]

10. The children are adults

They have their own kids now. Something else that freaks me the hell out. I have a boyfriend who has 5 grandkids.
I can't figure out why this is such a source of anxiety for me because they live on the other side of the country and it is unlikely I have to spend a great deal of time with them.

I have always been fiercely independent; I have never really want to be joined at the hip to someone. I like my space. I've never gotten close enough to someone for this to be an actual issue before now.

[kimi]

2. Take it from a mom of umpteen years

if you loathe the idea of being a stepmom - DON'T DO IT!! It's commendable that you realize what your feelings are, seriously, and that you know what you are up to dealing with. As well, if you have feelings for someone else, don't get involved in something that may be permanent. It's not fair to him, you, the kids involved, or the other person.

I understand, really. Permanence is frightening. And opportunities are tempting. But unless this is something you can go into with all of your heart and soul (oh hell I sound like a freakin Harlequin romance novel) don't do it, really.

Just my 0.02.

[alarimer]

6. Well the kids are all adults now and live a long way away.

If that matters.

And it isn't like I am tempted by a real person. I have ridiculous daydreams about people I will never meet and could never meet.
But I do have this idea that I am missing out on something. Maybe those daydreams just represent whatever is missing.

I just have never felt that rush, not with him and not actually with anyone else either. It is possible that I am not actually capable of it.

[Prism]

3. Who needs marriage?

The world (outside of various federal, state, and local governments) considers my boyfriend and myself a unit. We get along just fine without the M-word and feel no need to define ourselves in that way.

The world has changed. Marriage is no longer the end all and be all of human relationships. We live in a time and place where our relationships can be defined and respected by our peers and families as however we choose to define them as.

We are. That is enough.

You are. That is enough. Negotiate accordingly.

[alarimer]

11. I am coming reluctantly to the conclusion that I am probably not relationship material.

There is some barrier in me that prevents me from getting too close to people. It is true of all my relationships, not just this one. I am simply unable to achieve the level of intimacy marriage (or even living together) requires. Believe me I have tried therapy and other things but nothing seems to work, to fix it.

[dawg]

4. You don't sound like a person who should get married ...

at least not to the man you're with right now.

I'll tell you when you should do it. When you meet someone who moves you so deeply that you have an epiphany, and all of a sudden all of that marriage "stuff" makes sense to you, then, and only then, should you consider actually doing it.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful things we can experience in life. If done properly, it can be an enhancement to your individuality and freedom and not a limiting factor. Like with the Beatles, sometimes the combination can be greater than the sum of its individual parts. But only with the right person.

Also, marriage should not be just a choice you made one day, long ago, that you have to live with for the rest of your life. It should be a choice that you are willing to make *everyday* - otherwise it won't last.

I think lots of couples get married that should not have done so. I guess they settle or something. They get to a certain age and think it is the thing to do.

Also, I think there are some individuals who were never meant to marry. You might be one of those. Then again, you might meet someone new someday and suddenly it all makes sense.

Matters of the heart are complicated. I wish you all the best.

[alarimer]

7. I understand why people settle.

And in many ways we are almost perfectly matched, which makes me wonder why I have such a hard time with this idea.

[HopeHoops]

5. If he's worth it in the long-run, he'll wait until you're ready. Don't get pressured into it.

I've been married once and I still am. We met in '84.

[PassingFair]

8. I have read some of your posts about your boyfriend in the past....

and I think you need a different boyfriend.

He seems to complement you, but although opposites attract,
I don't think I could have stayed married 23 years unless my
husband was VERY much like ME.

We agree on all of the "major" issues, we enjoy doing things
together and we have pretty much the same energy levels.

Some people might find that boring, but I think that it makes
for an easy partnership.

That being said, I don't think that I would have married him if
we hadn't planned on having children, which we did...

I was perfectly happy living with him before we got married and
would have happily stayed that way. Like you, I didn't feel the
slightest wish to "prove to the world" that we were a unit, because
we were already a "unit", and I didn't care what other people might
have felt. We decided to get married
when we both felt that we wanted to have a child, and I DO hope
we will be together "forever", as much as when we weren't married.

[davsand]

9. Same with us--when we decided we wanted a child we got married.

I've never regretted that decision, but I will also say that if anything should ever happen to my husband I will probably not marry again.

I was pretty much of the attitude that we were happy the way we were and I had no real need to validate it with anyone else. Our decision to wed was mostly because we figured it was gonna be a more stable environ for a child as far as the rest of the world was concerned. We also knew that our families were both very traditional and it was gonna be a lot easier for them to celebrate a grandchild from a married couple.

We've been married 16 years already, and the only real way I mark that time together is by looking at our daughter--otherwise I still feel like I did when we first moved in with each other. He's the one person that gets my humor and he's still the one person I love to just hang out with.



Laura

[alarimer]

13. maybe

The thing is. I think that the whole "right one" idea is a lot of hogwash. But, I am old enough now that if this relationship ends, I may not find another one. And that makes me sad.
And we do have a great deal in common, same values and many shared interests. So it isn't a passion that will burn down the forest. So what? I am not convinced that that sort of thing lasts anyway.

[PassingFair]

14. It is a matter of WILL...

at least on your own part.

[mythology]

12. As the former stepson of somebody who hated the idea of being a stepmom

I think you should avoid it if you don't want it.

Of course in my case, it could have been that she just hated me since she and my dad adopted three kids several years after I was out of the picture.

[PassingFair]

15. Have you ever read "Love & Will"?

Not as simplistic as the title might suggest, this is an EXCELLENT book on
love and self determination.

[alarimer]

16. That doesn't sound like my sort of thing.

Thanks though.

[PassingFair]

17. It's not a "self-help" book. It was written in 1969.

May was a respected psychologist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rollo_May