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Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:03 PM

9-1-1. What is your emergency?

95 replies, 4275 views

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Arrow 95 replies Author Time Post
Reply 9-1-1. What is your emergency? (Original post)
ohiosmith Dec 2012 OP
pokerfan Dec 2012 #1
geardaddy Dec 2012 #2
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #6
geardaddy Dec 2012 #16
TrogL Dec 2012 #3
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #7
bluesbassman Dec 2012 #12
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #14
BlancheSplanchnik Dec 2012 #60
Incitatus Dec 2012 #4
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #8
LeftofObama Dec 2012 #5
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #10
trof Dec 2012 #9
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #11
trof Dec 2012 #13
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #15
Aristus Dec 2012 #17
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #18
Liberal Veteran Dec 2012 #23
antiquie Dec 2012 #19
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #20
whistler162 Dec 2012 #21
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #26
Major Nikon Dec 2012 #41
Kennah Dec 2012 #64
Major Nikon Dec 2012 #66
Kennah Dec 2012 #86
Liberal Veteran Dec 2012 #22
Brigid Dec 2012 #24
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #27
In_The_Wind Dec 2012 #25
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #28
Grantuspeace Dec 2012 #33
In_The_Wind Dec 2012 #34
many a good man Dec 2012 #29
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #30
Brigid Dec 2012 #81
RedCloud Dec 2012 #31
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #32
Kennah Dec 2012 #35
Frosty1 Dec 2012 #38
Kennah Dec 2012 #61
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #45
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #36
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #46
rrneck Dec 2012 #37
kurtzapril4 Dec 2012 #39
rrneck Dec 2012 #40
kurtzapril4 Dec 2012 #59
shadowrider Dec 2012 #90
rrneck Dec 2012 #91
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #48
rrneck Dec 2012 #50
Ptah Dec 2012 #42
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #49
LiberalEsto Dec 2012 #43
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #51
Joey Liberal Dec 2012 #44
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #52
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #47
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #53
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #54
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #56
Bucky Dec 2012 #55
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #67
littlemissmartypants Dec 2012 #57
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #68
NYC_SKP Dec 2012 #58
Kennah Dec 2012 #62
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #69
NYC_SKP Dec 2012 #76
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #79
NYC_SKP Dec 2012 #80
Kennah Dec 2012 #82
NYC_SKP Dec 2012 #83
Kennah Dec 2012 #87
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #70
Kennah Dec 2012 #63
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #74
Kennah Dec 2012 #85
krispos42 Dec 2012 #65
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #71
krispos42 Dec 2012 #92
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #93
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #88
MiddleFingerMom Dec 2012 #72
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #73
MiddleFingerMom Dec 2012 #75
siligut Dec 2012 #77
Lady Freedom Returns Dec 2012 #78
Kennah Dec 2012 #84
ohiosmith Dec 2012 #89
pinboy3niner Dec 2012 #94
Initech Dec 2012 #95

Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:17 PM

1. Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:23 PM

2. I can't this rubber ball suit off.

I'm stuck!

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Response to geardaddy (Reply #2)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:52 PM

6. Well,.......have a Goodyear!

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #6)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 10:31 AM

16. Haha!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:30 PM

3. mrr-mrr-mgg-nnn-nnnnnn-mmrrr-nnrrr-mmmmrrrrr!!!

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Response to TrogL (Reply #3)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:59 PM

7. Please call back and press 3 for gibberish!

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #7)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:20 PM

12. Is that for generic or authentic frontier gibberish?

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Response to bluesbassman (Reply #12)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 07:24 PM

14. Generic press 3, western,.....hang up!.... wait ten minutes and don't call back.

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Response to TrogL (Reply #3)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:17 AM

60. Kenny?

Is that you?

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:48 PM

4. I'm out of whiskey and I'm too drunk to drive.

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Response to Incitatus (Reply #4)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:00 PM

8. Have some vodka!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 05:52 PM

5. Just get here quick!

You'll have to come over a bridge. I'm not sure where it is, but Ashling can tell you!

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Response to LeftofObama (Reply #5)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:06 PM

10. Go up on the roof! A helicopter is on the way. Disrobe completely!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:03 PM

9. I've fallen and I can't get up.

Wait...OK, I got up.
Oh hell...I fell down again.
Maybe I should quit getting up?
jeez
Now what?
Just stay down?

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Response to trof (Reply #9)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:09 PM

11. You sound like the guy on my block that called me a selfish bitch and said I should fuck off!

Click!

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #11)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 06:32 PM

13. I'm the guy.

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Response to trof (Reply #13)

Thu Dec 20, 2012, 07:24 PM

15. Click!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 12:34 PM

17. "Yeah, I'm at Burger King, and they're refusing to make it 'my way'. Can you help?"

n/t

I understand this sometimes actually happens...

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Response to Aristus (Reply #17)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 01:24 PM

18. Shown them your gun. That'll convince them.

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Response to Aristus (Reply #17)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:19 PM

23. Yeah, if you try ordering a whopper made from Kobe beef, they get all upset.

And try getting onion rings made from fresh Vidalia onions and deep fried in olive oil.

"Have it your way?" I think not.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 06:08 PM

19. I read this in GD and I'm more confused.

so-called radical leftists like Obama

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Response to antiquie (Reply #19)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:00 PM

20. Have a drink! It will all make sense!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:03 PM

21. I've gotta fever of a 105!

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Response to whistler162 (Reply #21)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 09:26 PM

26. Well aren't you special!

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Response to whistler162 (Reply #21)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 01:10 PM

41. measured orally or rectally?

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #41)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:44 AM

64. You really should do both, but be careful about the order.

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Response to Kennah (Reply #64)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 04:31 AM

66. I've heard the only difference between the two thermometers is the taste

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #66)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 11:51 PM

86. And feel. You just never forget what saliva feels like up your asshole.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:17 PM

22. I want to eat some fish sticks, but ran out of tartar sauce.

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Response to Liberal Veteran (Reply #22)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:24 PM

24. Solution:

1. Find car keys.
2. Drive to grocery store.
3. Purchase tarter sauce.
4. Drive home.
5. Prepare fish sticks according to package directions.
6. Put previously purchased tarter sauce on them.

Problem solved.

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Response to Liberal Veteran (Reply #22)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 09:28 PM

27. Order a pizza!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 08:37 PM

25. My tarp blew away.

My trike is uncovered!

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #25)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 09:28 PM

28. Not to worry! Someone stole it!

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #25)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 12:47 AM

33. I needed your blue tarp for a shower curtain.

Lol

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Response to Grantuspeace (Reply #33)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 12:50 AM

34. How will I keep the electronics dry?

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Fri Dec 21, 2012, 09:38 PM

29. I lost my puppy!

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Response to many a good man (Reply #29)

Sat Dec 22, 2012, 10:44 AM

30. You may have to put its memory behind you! Perhaps a lap dog next time!



BTW,...that's one of the funniest pics I have ever seen!

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Response to many a good man (Reply #29)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 08:52 PM

81. Dude, that is just wrong.

On so many levels.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sat Dec 22, 2012, 10:32 PM

31. Someone stole my heart.

Do I have much time left?

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Response to RedCloud (Reply #31)

Sat Dec 22, 2012, 10:45 PM

32. No!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 03:10 AM

35. I scratched my nuts, but now they're itchy again.

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Response to Kennah (Reply #35)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 12:06 PM

38. Try dynamite?

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Response to Frosty1 (Reply #38)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:37 AM

61. Tried that but the fuse created a burning sensation.

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Response to Kennah (Reply #35)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 05:04 PM

45. Please hold while I transfer you to the CDC!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 03:49 AM

36. Heeeeey, wait a minute...

I recognize that voice. Is that you, "Peggy"?

I think I want a different emergency operator...

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #36)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 05:26 PM

46. Is no Peggy,....he,....she take it break! Click!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 11:57 AM

37. I can't find my ass.

And I'm using a set of deer horns to look for it.

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Response to rrneck (Reply #37)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 12:38 PM

39. I found an ass!

That doesn't belong to anybody. It just showed up in the living room on the couch Could it be yours?

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Response to kurtzapril4 (Reply #39)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 12:45 PM

40. Probably.

Just kick it over in the corner and I'll grab it next time I come through. Everybody says I wouldn't know what to do with it if I found it anyway.

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Response to rrneck (Reply #40)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 12:34 AM

59. No problem. We'll take good care of it

until you need it again.

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Response to rrneck (Reply #40)

Tue Dec 25, 2012, 10:41 AM

90. Just don't confuse it with a hole in the ground n/t

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Response to shadowrider (Reply #90)

Tue Dec 25, 2012, 12:29 PM

91. I think I've got that one.

But I keep getting shit in my shinola box.

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Response to rrneck (Reply #37)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:22 PM

48. If you're a female,....he's at the pub drinking beer and watching football. If you're a male,......

I have no idea where your brother in law is!

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #48)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:24 PM

50. Gah!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 01:14 PM

42. Somebody on the internet is WRONG!

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Response to Ptah (Reply #42)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:24 PM

49. Don't believe it! I'm sure someone thinks you're right!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 04:59 PM

43. I boo-booed my middle finger and now it's stuck nt

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Response to LiberalEsto (Reply #43)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:26 PM

51. Put the thumb on your other hand in your mouth and blow as hard as you can.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 05:02 PM

44. I'm surrounded by republicans!

HELP!

lol

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Response to Joey Liberal (Reply #44)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:27 PM

52. Please hold while I connect you to the CDC!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 05:30 PM

47. What are you wearing?

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #47)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:28 PM

53. For that information,......you will need a valid credit card.

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #53)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 06:43 PM

54. Oh, shit. Just my luck...I got "Peggy" again. :(

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #54)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 08:14 PM

56. Is no Peggy,.....is,.....Betty,......please to give valid credit card number.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 08:06 PM

55. Need directions to family planning advice clinic

The last one turned out to be workable

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Response to Bucky (Reply #55)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:30 PM

67. That ingress is still viable although,......you do risk fathering a republican!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 08:19 PM

57. I have heart burn and I am lonely.

I want a boyfriend. Please don't put me on hold.

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Response to littlemissmartypants (Reply #57)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:39 PM

68. Please provide a valid credit card and we'll send Anthony over with some Tums.

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2012, 08:31 PM

58. Bowling pin lodged in an unusual place.

Please hurry!

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #58)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:39 AM

62. Where are your balls?

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #58)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:40 PM

69. Lodge bowling pin elsewhere

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #69)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 04:12 PM

76. Happy birthday!

Inside joke with my doctor who seems to like to schedule my annual probe near my birthday!



Happy holiday season, pinboy3niner!

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #76)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 05:25 PM

79. Happy Holidays, NYC_SKP!

I won't say 'Happy Birthday' because that probably makes you jumpy.




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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #79)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 06:13 PM

80. First I burp...

...and then I smile!

I'm like a frakkin baby boy!



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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #76)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 11:45 PM

82. I know you typed annual probe, but my mind recorded anal probe.

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Response to Kennah (Reply #82)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 11:46 PM

83. Well, annual anal prostate probe, to be accurate!

Happy Birthday, he once said!

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #83)

Tue Dec 25, 2012, 01:25 AM

87. Legend has it we all get smacked on the ass when we're born ...

... so it's only fair that an annual Birthday present later in life be something involving our ass.

I'm on an annual colonoscopy cycle now, after 10 years with UC, but I need to call the scheduling nurse and see about making it a Birthday present.

"It's my Birthday, doc. Gimme a hand."
"HEH! Not the WHOLE hand, dammit!"

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #58)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:40 PM

70. See post 51!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:43 AM

63. My kilt isn't back from the cleaners

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Response to Kennah (Reply #63)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:59 PM

74. Something else the rest of us can be thankful for.

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #74)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 11:48 PM

85. Except for my released Cracken

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 02:28 AM

65. I unleashed the Krakken



Oh god, oh god, oh god, why won't the floor stay down there under my feet, where it belongs?

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Response to krispos42 (Reply #65)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:41 PM

71. Releash the Kraaken!

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #71)

Wed Dec 26, 2012, 12:46 AM

92. The Kraken cannot be re-leashed

It can only be waited out.


Took me 8 hours, and vomiting in the sink. Yay?

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Response to krispos42 (Reply #92)

Wed Dec 26, 2012, 01:13 AM

93. Next time try something decent, like Jameson

There's nothing better than a good Irish whiskey. Just ask Will.

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Response to krispos42 (Reply #65)

Tue Dec 25, 2012, 09:50 AM

88. You're on your own bub!

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:45 PM

72. Long ago, I was pulling a solo overnight Dispensary shift on our 2200-man post on April 1st...

.
.
.
... when a drunken soldier came in who had zipped himself up in his zipper.
I mean -- he had zipped him SELF up in his zipper... zipped it up REAL good.
.
I knew what had to be done, but since I was alone, didn't want to chance
something going very wrong, so I sent him to the nearby hospital with a
driver. I called the ER and said, "Look... I know it's April Fool's Day, but
this is no shit..." and proceeded to explain what they should expect to see
shortly.
.
The medic on the other end dropped the phone laughing... and I heard him
call out to others, "YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE!!!"
.
.
.
Some emergencies were MUCH funnier than others.
.
.
.

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Response to MiddleFingerMom (Reply #72)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 01:53 PM

73. Sounds familiar...





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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #73)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 02:24 PM

75. I think almost every man has done that once...

.
.
.
.
.
... and virtually no man has done it TWICE!!!
.
.
.

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Response to MiddleFingerMom (Reply #75)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 04:37 PM

77. Cutting the zipper below the area zipped is the most comfortable way to go

Then the teeth just separate, you don't have to unzip (ouch!).

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 05:00 PM

78. I think a bunch of dogs have hacked my DU account!

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Response to Lady Freedom Returns (Reply #78)

Mon Dec 24, 2012, 11:47 PM

84. Woof!

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Response to Lady Freedom Returns (Reply #78)

Tue Dec 25, 2012, 09:54 AM

89. Please hold while I transfer you to animal control.

&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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Response to ohiosmith (Reply #89)

Wed Dec 26, 2012, 01:19 AM

94. "Hello? You've reached Animal Control. This is Puggy."

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Response to ohiosmith (Original post)

Wed Dec 26, 2012, 01:37 AM

95. I'm out of beer, can you make a beer run for me?

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