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Fri Oct 12, 2012, 10:44 AM

Time for a joke thread!

He is the one I heard most recently:

A guy is out golfing with his buddies. Starts out birdie, par, eagle. He knocks it stiff on the fourth when his cell phone goes off.
"Mr. Johnson?"
"Yes."
"Are you sitting down?"
"Actually, I'm on the fourth green at Oak Park Country Club."
"Well, this is Dr. McMurray at Oak Park Hospital. Your wife has been in a terrible accident. We need you to come here right away."

Shaken, Johnson taps in his putt and is walking with his caddy back to the clubhouse when he decides to play 5 as it is on the way back to the clubhouse. Another birdie. So he keeps going since this is by far the best round of his life.

After eighteen he runs to the locker room, changes and drives like a madman to the hospital.

He is told to meet Dr. McMurray in a small room.

"How bad is it, doc."
"Real bad. She has two broken legs and severe internal injuries. I had to remove most of her large intestine and she will have a colostomy for the rest of her life. She will be incontinent. You are going to have to take care of her 24/7 for the rest of her life."

Johnson is stunned. All the color drains from his face.

The doctor pipes up..."I'm just fucking with ya. She's been dead for hours. What did you shoot?"

10 replies, 1132 views

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Arrow 10 replies Author Time Post
Reply Time for a joke thread! (Original post)
AngryAmish Oct 2012 OP
HopeHoops Oct 2012 #1
KamaAina Oct 2012 #2
Stuart G Oct 2012 #3
7wo7rees Oct 2012 #4
Stuart G Oct 2012 #8
Kennah Oct 2012 #5
Kablooie Oct 2012 #6
shadowrider Oct 2012 #7
Stuart G Oct 2012 #9
llmart Oct 2012 #10

Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Fri Oct 12, 2012, 11:48 AM

1. OUCH! I had one in the works, but I don't think I can post it after that.

 

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Fri Oct 12, 2012, 02:33 PM

2. Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio are walking down a road

They see a sign reading "World's Prettiest Woman Contest." Snow White walks in, and comes out wearing a tiara and beaming.

Then they see a sign for "World's Strongest Man Contest". Superman walks in, and comes out with the belt around his waist.

Next they see a sign for "World's Biggest Liar Contest". Pinocchio walks in. A few minutes later, he comes out sobbing.

"What happened?" they ask?

"Who the hell is Mitt Romney?"

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Fri Oct 12, 2012, 10:49 PM

3. A very short gene and a lamp joke...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it

vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job

that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."


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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 12:32 AM

4. Donkey sales

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son...bad news. The donkey died."

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

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Response to 7wo7rees (Reply #4)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 02:35 PM

8. I loved this one...thanks for putting it up.........

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 01:17 AM

5. Superman is flying along ...

... when he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the roof of the Justice League building. Superman always found Wonder Woman attractive, but naked it's just too much for him.

He becomes sexually aroused, and he has to do something about it. He says to himself, "I am as fast as a speeding bullet. I can fly down there and fuck her before she notices."

So he does it. Boom! Boom! Boom! He's in and out in a tenth of a second.

Wonder Woman exclaims, "What the fuck was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me!"

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 03:56 AM

6. Air disaster

Texas's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Texas search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 07:21 AM

7. Here's one

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 02:44 PM

9. Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men..(you know Christmas)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?

* They would have asked directions,
* Arrived on time,
* Helped deliver the baby,
* Cleaned the stable,
* Made a casserole,
* Brought practical gifts and
* There would be Peace On Earth.

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Response to AngryAmish (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 08:40 PM

10. This one really cracked me up!

At the nursing home, a very elderly man gets it on with an elderly woman. Afterwards his buddies at the home ask him, "Well, how was it?" and he says "Geez, if I would have known she was a virgin I would have been more gentle with her."

At the same time the woman is talking with her lady friends at the home and they ask her, "Well, how was it?" and she says, "If I would have known he could still get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose."

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