Hey lounge, if you're up, I need advice.

[Denninmi]

I don't want to get too heavy, it's the lounge.

My question is this: If you have some bad personal news to break to family, how should you do it?

Just blurt it out?

Ease into it?

Ignore and hope it goes away?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Denninmi...

I would not ignore it, and hope it'll go away...

I guess I'd ease into it, give some background, but don't prolong it. And then just say whatever's on your mind...

I hope this helps...

[Denninmi]

2. I hope so, too.

And the other thing that worries me, I have to tell my mother this news about myself, and she is 87 with CHF. I try to avoid stressing her. I haven't shared a lot of things going on with her because I just don't want to stress her out. And, she just started a new treatment, albuterol, for her lungs, that seems to help a lot.

By the way, young lady, what are you doing up at 1:38 in the morning on a school night?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Well, first, it's not 1:38 am here, silly!

It's 10:42 pm PDT! Not even close to my bedtime!

And I am done done done with school, and so there!

Good luck with your mom...

[Denninmi]

5. I know that. Just being goofy.

There are times I think I just hop on the freeway and not stop until I see the Pacific. I bet it's really pretty out there.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. It can be very lovely...and then there are other less pretty days...

There is a LOT of gorgeous coastline, all up and down, from CA to Oregon to Washington state!

[demmiblue]

4. A few moments of connecting, then let 'er rip...

like a bandaid. Personally, I don't like it when people skirt around an issue. It adds to the anxiety.

All families are different, though.

[elleng]

7. Hold off, dear Den.

From what I've read elsewhere there are steps to take, so don't rush.

AND ease into it, for those and when it might be useful. Some background for them might help, not on you but on 'it,' what it means, how is handled, etc, like 'Friends who've handled it successfully,' etc.



AND, Den, its NOT bad news, its a BEGINNING!

[Denninmi]

9. Thanks, Elleng.

It only feels like bad news?!

[Joe Shlabotnik]

16. Elleng is right

From the bit that I've read about your situation, don't feel rushed into anything. Be patient, keep quite, gather as much info about the situation as you can, make personal notes, time-lines, balance sheets, and flow charts as to how you are going to tackle micro-issues, and wait until the opportunity is your favor. Never strike unless your in the position to garner the best outcome, and when you do strike, strike hard with confidence.

And also as Elleng said 'its a new beginning', I think you've been needing a change and this looks like the catalyst.

[pinboy3niner]

18. "...,make personal notes, time-lines, balance sheets, and flow charts"

WHO the hell des that in real life? We think things over and make decisions, without 'balance sheets' and 'flow charts' ever entering the equation. Especially in personal matters.

[Joe Shlabotnik]

24. Actually I've done it a number of times

When involving family business decisions involving money, changes in responsibilities or changes in lifestyle that were complicated and contentious. That way without anyone getting emotional, one can stay on message and clearly point out the differences and consequences of taking one set of action vs others. I don't mean making a business presentation, but rather being prepared with facts and rational arguments to counter resistance.

[HeiressofBickworth]

8. IMHO, first evaluate why you have to break something to the family

Depends on what it is and what you expect them to do with the information. Do you have to tell them to satisfy something for yourself or is this information necessary for the family to act upon? I'm not advocating keeping secrets, but on the other hand, I also don't think family needs to know every detail about one's life.

For example, if you are about to confess something you did 10 years ago, if it's gone this long, why bother.

On the other hand, if you are going to need surgery or something that will require family assistance and emotional support, tell them as soon as possible so they can arrange their schedules to be there for you.

As for your Mother, tell her or not tell her; just be kind to her given her health situation.

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

[Denninmi]

10. Thanks.

Appreciated.

[pinboy3niner]

11. I usually just send a singing clown

But that's just me.

[Denninmi]

12. Someone sent me a singing novelty stripper fairy Godmother for my 25th birthday.

At work. It was "PG" version.

I wanted to die. And I didn't know who did it for a while. It was my idiot brother in law come to find out.

[pinboy3niner]

15. A "singing novelty stripper fairy Godmother"?

That's just wrong on so many levels, lol!

When you finally get your revenge on your idiot BIL, it will be so sweet.

[HopeHoops]

20. "PG"? What? No full monty?

[orleans]

13. i'd say to gently broach the subject

if the news is bad

you told peggy your mom is 87 w/health issues
blurting out "bad news" probably isn't a good idea--especially if she's having difficulty breathing to begin with.

and then maybe couch the "bad news" with the "bright side" or up side or give it a bit of a positive or uplift.

good luck. be kind/gentle w/your mom
i'd love to be able to still have mine to worry over how to tell her bad news. or good news. or just that i love her.

[pinboy3niner]

14. I learned of my little brother's death when my older brother called me

My older brother is bundled pretty tight, and that was the first time I ever heard him cry.

I understand it, because I was that way once, before I became a *GASP* hugger, lol.

A psychologist taught me a very simple exercise: close your eyes and breathe and listen for a moment. The ticking of the clock, the birds outside the window, the traffic in the street. After I did that, he said, I was "real." And he was right.

Regardless of what advice you get, Denninmi, I think you'll figure out by yourself how to deal with your challenge. Somehow, I know you'll do just fine.

[Denninmi]

17. Thanks, DU

I don't have much of a choice but to reveal this information to a handful of the people closest to me, both at home and at work. Because they will be awfully suspicious if I disappear without a trace for a few days.

[HopeHoops]

19. Well, I know a story about that...

A guy calls his brother who is house sitting for him. In the course of the conversation, he asks how his cat is. The brother replies, "Oh, he's dead."

"WHAT? What do you mean he's dead?"

"Oh, he fell off the roof and he's dead."

"You just can't say he's dead! You should be more tactful about it. Start out with something like 'he was playing on the roof and chasing a squirrel and didn't make the jump into the tree' or something like that! It's not appropriate to just say 'he's dead' and not give me time to adjust!"

"Hey, man, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Still, the cat's dead. I don't know what else to tell you."

"Okay, okay. I can handle that. He was getting old anyway. I'm sorry I blew up at you like that. So, how's Grandma doing?"

"Well, she was playing on the roof..."

[Denninmi]

21. Cute.

[HopeHoops]

22. I just thought a little levity was in order.

[Kali]

23. depends on the situation and the people

I find that sometimes phrasing things so that the feel you are asking for support/help/advice helps.

I also find - at least with my most difficult to deal with family member - the more I stress and worry about it, the easier it tends to end up. On the other hand when I think it will be some small, simple thing -

it is almost always worse in our minds than in reality - it will probably be OK.