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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsI have a major dilemma in my marriage...and I don't know what to do.
I'm posting this in here because I don't know where else to post that people will actually read this and hopefully give me advice.
My wife just told me this week that she doesn't want children. I turn 40 in a few weeks. She'll be 40 in Feb.
It's not that she doesn't want to have kids. It's that she says she doesn't want to have kids with me. I'm not abusive. I've never laid a hand on her. I had anger issues earlier in our marriage. But never directed towards her. And she admits that I've totally changed my attitude over the past ten years we've been together...and she says in a positive way. She doesn't want a divorce. She says she loves me with all her heart. And I love her with all my heart. I want to have kids...but I want to have them with her.
Everything I've been working for these past few years was directed at getting us a bigger place...because she had said before our house was too small to have kids in.
I don't know what to do. I am crushed. I've had baby fever for the last 4 or 5 years. I thought she understood that. When we got married she seemed on board with having kids. But she got an IUD about 7 years ago and I kept asking her when she was going to get it out. "Probably in a few months.", was her usual reply.
I don't want a divorce. But I want to have kids. I don't want to force anybody into having children if they don't want to. I think that's a horrible atmosphere to raise a child. So now I know that she doesn't want to have kids with me, and if she were to suddenly change her mind tomorrow, I know it would be for the wrong reason....simply to please me.
So what do I do? Do I get out and try to find someone who wants to have a baby? Do I just try to convince myself that I'm ok with this? I'm afraid that I'm going to begin to harbor anger for her. I feel like I was lied to and duped.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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Lionessa
(3,894 posts)There are so many children that would love the attention of an extra adult, perhaps for you that's as good as it gets if you intend on staying married.
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)Man...I'm really screwed on this one. 
Kaleva
(36,291 posts)The red flag that stands out to me is her saying she doesn't want to have kids with you.
Old and In the Way
(37,540 posts)I mean, you can get lots of advice, but the vast majority are not qualified to counsel you properly.
I note where you state your wife wants to have kids, but not with you. I sense there might be a deeper conflict in your relationship than you might be willing to admit. My advice - get some marriage counseling to help draw out the real issues between you and your wife., then you'll know what the resolution path is.
Good luck!
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)It's just so odd to me. I felt like our marriage was good. My home life is happy. Sex life is still relatively good.
I just had no idea my wife thought so little of me. It's like getting smashed in the head with a rock. How have I been so totally out of touch in regards to my marriage? What kind of man am I that I didn't notice this issue and step up and fix it?
Old and In the Way
(37,540 posts)It's probably been a series of subtle changes over a relatively long period of time. And, as someone who's been married to the same person for 30+ years, maintaining a relationship is no easy task. Good luck!
ZombieHorde
(29,047 posts)You may even want to consider individual counseling in addition to marriage counseling.
LynneSin
(95,337 posts)You should get counselling. There has to be some reason for her making this decision that it seems she won't share with you.
But here's the scoop, even after counselling if she still doesn't want children and you do - will you be happy with that or perhaps maybe it's best to consider a divorce and find a partner who has the same vision as you. Fortunately for me, you men can keep getting women pregnant even into your ripe old ages whereas we women do have a timer on our eggs.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)get counseling together, if she is willing to.
whatever you don't listen to people who are willing to give you sound advice on half a story
cbdo2007
(9,213 posts)there are many red flags here. It sounds like something in her mind has changed in regards to having kids in general, because even if she says "with you" she isn't willing to go have them with someone else.
If your company has an EAP you can start there, otherwise try to find a counselor on your insurance and see them. If you don't have insurance, call around and tell the people you don't have insurance and see if they can give you a special rate but you've got to talk to somebody. Good luck!!
dawg
(10,622 posts)It sounds to me like she just doesn't want to have kids at all. If that turns out to be the case, you may be stuck with a difficult choice.
Counseling will only help if both of you take it seriously.
benld74
(9,904 posts)
irisblue
(32,950 posts)the pregnancy or the rearing of children? Has she said specifically? And yes time for counseling
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)in raising a child.
My wife has lost faith in my ability to provide.
It's actually quite soul crushing.
irisblue
(32,950 posts)emotionally? financially? Her? The child? Both?
I was once in that place; a previous life partner had wanted us to become pregnant, since she'd had a hysterectomy approximately a year before, i was the one who would be pregnant. It was quite surprised to myself in realizing that I did not want children with her, and in reality, didn't want/feel the need for creating a child for myself. Those were 2 separate issues. I would have, happily stayed in that relationship without children. My NOT wanting children might have been an issue in her ending our relationship, but it was not the reason I left. It was a huge red flag of warning. I am sorry that you are experiencing this, it was very very hurtful & sad for to both of us, and sounds like that for you.
Has she explained why, exactly she does not want children with you? No matter what, you need counseling. best wishes
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)but that she would be left doing all the work.
Financially, we aren't in fantastic shape. But I've been in my industry for 15 years and they've thrown a lot of responsibility at me and my pay has just continued to slowly climb. Emotionally, she's noted that I've changed my personality for the better since we got together. She noted that she's not the only one that noticed.
I'm really at a loss here. There is no winning situation in this. I can:
A: Divorce her...even though I'm madly in love with her...and attempt, at 40, to find a woman who is young enough to have children with and that we can both fall in love (this is a must for me...I want a child raised in household filled with love...I don't want this to be a business transaction).
B: Stay with her...don't have a baby...and understand that a resentment issue will probably develop and it would be something I'd have to carry in silence or the marriage will probably crumble.
C: Convince her to have a baby...and hope she doesn't develop a resentment issue toward me, the child, or both.
Unfortunately, I don't know if this hasn't already done irreparable damage to our marriage.
I'm pretty positive things won't ever be the same. Now I know that the woman I love doesn't have faith in me. Now I feel like I've been duped and trapped. Everything I feel is absolutely not conducive to a healthy relationship. I can't sleep. My appetite is gone. Work feels next to impossible.
irisblue
(32,950 posts)Looking at your past actions, do you have a pattern of her doing the emotional and physical (laundry, shopping)work in your marriage ; sounds as though you both have finances covered, from the minute bits you've posted here. Could she be reflecting a long established pattern between you 2. I can understand a slow building resentment if you've been a boy man in the marriage. I don't know you or your wife, every marriage has it weak and strong areas.
My reason for staying child free was very similar. If she is doing the great majority of work, in your marriage, I can see that she wouldn't want a second child. The stereotype of the man child does have a basis in reality. I can understand slow growing resentment would weaken a relationship. My best friend knew from high school she wanted to be a mother, she would have adopted the children no matter what, but her partner wasn't interested in it at first. 15 years later the 'under-interested' is the more involved parent.
I wish you both self knowledge and kindness to and from each other.
DFW
(54,326 posts)What everyone else here says about counseling seems logical, although you had better ask yourself if you want to be a 60 year old parent of a 20 year old. Our two girls wore us out, and they were out of the house by the time we turned 52.
The alternative of the Big Brother sounds inspired, although if you want you own children, it ain't the same.
When my wife and I turned 30, and got married after knowing each other for 8 years, she told me, "look, the train is leaving the station, let's get started," and so we did. In other words, I'm the LAST person to be able to put myself in your shoes. We both turn 60 this year, and our daughters are now 29 and 27. But I'd say at LEAST try some counseling, not only because you need someone injecting some input from your wife's side, but because no one here knows enough to put themselves inside your head right now, as each one of them has said.
Best of luck!
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)DFW
(54,326 posts)Believe me, being the parent of a 20 year old is a full time job at best, and being the parent of TWO 20 year olds is a job more suited to a small army.
Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)I immediately suggested counseling. She works in the mental health field so she has no problem going to see a counselor. Doesn't look like our insurance will cover it...so it will be out of pocket. But money isn't really much of an issue compared to this.
This is life changing.
DFW
(54,326 posts)Whether or not--and that's where the problem seems to lie. My sympathies!
HopeHoops
(47,675 posts)
JVS
(61,935 posts)Buddyblazon
(3,014 posts)I would have to get her approval first...and I can't see anybody every approving of something like that.
I sure as hell wouldn't approve of her going out and doing it.
hay rick
(7,600 posts)When you said she doesn't want to have kids with you, what does that mean? She doesn't want your DNA? She doesn't trust your parenting skills or commitment? She isn't confident in your ability to provide economically? She doesn't want to commit to being together for the next 18+ years while raising a child together? Any of these could be covered by "not wanting to have a kid with you"- but they are all quite different.
At her age, both her health and the health of the baby could be issues. Getting an IUD at 33 sure sounds like a decision to shut down the baby machine. It also sounds like earnest discussions about having kids would have been appropriate at that time. Did she lead you on or did you avoid having a full, frank discussion? It's easy to put off discussions/arguments while the biological clock still has a lot of time left on it- and it's also natural to panic when the time is about to run out and the default choice will be made for you.
Adoption is the obvious "next best" solution if you want to have your own family and keep your marriage together. Good luck in resolving your marital problem.
TuxedoKat
(3,818 posts)I think counseling is the way to go as you may uncover the truth that way or at least have some support if you have to make some tough decisions. The thing I wonder about is that from her actions, maybe she wasn't completely truthful with you about having kids from the onset. To me it sounds like she just doesn't want to have kids period and is making excuses by putting the blame on you and trying to make it about you not her. Sorry, I don't like being so harsh on your wife, but if she doesn't want kids period, you need to know that in order to know what you need to do for you. Forties and fifties are not to old to raise kids, for either sex, although womens' fertility starts to decline rapidly at this age. It may no longer be possible for her to have biological kids without the help of a fertility specialist and even then may not be possible. Unfortunately, I speak from some experience here re infertility, but happily have two wonderful kids through adoption. Good luck. If you have to, see a counselor on your own if your wife won't go.
littlewolf
(3,813 posts)I am truly sorry to hear this...
I (like everyone else) can only
recommend counseling ..
both couples and individual ...
I am not officially trained ...
just experienced from trying to
keep my Navy team out of
trouble .... 
so I am not going to explore
anything here ... not my Area
of expertise ... but find a qualified
counselor and try and work through
this .....
