Your favorite insult similes? (example: dumb as a box of hair)

He'd marry a pregnant woman.

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

Dumber than a box of rocks.


About as sharp as the edge of town.


If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.

think of any that I use, but one of my father's all time favorites was

Uglier than a barrel full of snots

has always appealed to me. I also like "that is more f#$&red up than a left-handed football bat."

"Hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels"?? Can't imagine what it means, but that is funnier than all get out.

. . . I can't take credit for it. It's from "Grace Under Fire," the sitcom with Brett Butler. (I love her!)

In context, it meant the guy was ugly.

As for football bat: Mrs. V. has a saying: "that guy's as queer as a football bat." I like yours, too.

courtesy of my brother in law

My Dad used that one on me when I was a know-it-all teenager.

if the instructions were on the heel.

"not the sharpest knife in the drawer"

"Your ass is out of your underwear!"

more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

to watch 60 Minutes.

Also, as useful as a limp dick in a whorehouse.

as tits on a bull.

( Please don't alert, this was just an example)

You know who I'm talking about.

Uglier than a hat full of bugs.

As sharp as a grape.

Jake (as in Jacobs Brake) only works on 2 cylinders.

As smooth as a band saw.

A huge favorite of my dads was "Dumber than an oyster." He was also fond of "...as useful as teats on a boar." (for those who are livestock challenged, a boar is an un-neutered male hog. Other than for breeding purposes, dad thought a boar was pretty damn useless. You couldn't eat them because the meat was too strong and tough to cook. They were frequently mean, and they were usually hard to handle unless you put a bunch of rings in their nose to slow them down.) It was "colder than a mother in law's kiss" in the winter, and "hotter'n the hubs of hell" in summer. When it rained really hard it was "like a cow pissing on a flat rock." When it was cold and we had icy roads it was "slicker than cat shit on linoleum."

Dad was a farmer all his life and was somebody that could probably be described as "earthy". He was never a mean man or a person of malice, but he was about as colorful as it gets if you got him riled. A lot of his expressions were firmly rooted in his farm background:

On the farm little went to waste, and one of the things that figured prominently in his early years was a manure spreader. They'd load up the animal poop into a wagon and then take it out and spread it on the field for fertilizer. Usually, it was an old wagon, however, in later years it was a specially adapted wagon with rotating spines in the back that would actually throw (spread) the manure as you drove it. That was a "turd hearse."

Large cars that drove badly were also called a turd hearse.

A dim person was "a turd shy of a load."

A self important person was "20 pounds of turds in a ten pound bag."

Dad was also fond of saying somebody was "dumb as a turkey." I remember asking him about it one time and he explained that turkeys are so dumb they'll look up into a rain and drown. (He swore it's true--I never fact checked it.)

Dad had a similar opinion of sheep's' intelligence and sometimes it'd be "dumber'n a sheep alone in a field."

Female pigs (Sows) are noted for being ill tempered when they are protecting their little ones. "Meaner'n a sow with a litter" was a description I heard more than once.


I can't begin to tell you what an influence my dad was on me as an English speaker. I find myself slipping one of Dad's little sayings into conversation sometimes just to do it, and more often than not people grin when they hear it. I miss him horribly, but he does live on in language.


Laura

I think many of us are, thank you for sharing such warm and humorous memories of your father.

I seem to be suffering from some sort of allergies this morning. sniff

Seems like there's a sort of humor that comes with dealing with livestock and the elements that is lacking for other people sometimes.



Sorry to hear about Joe. I saw that thread a few minutes ago. My sympathies.


Laura

...

From NASA "All rocket booster, no payload".

couldn't find his ass with both hands and a Ouija board. (One of Mom's east Texas gems)
I love that paranormal factor.


Not worth the dynamite it would take to blow him to hell. (Another one of Mom's east Texas gems)


Uglier than homemade sin. (from great-aunt Vernon (that's her first name) from Northern Mississippi)


Dumber than a box of rocks.


Suffering from anal-cranial syndrome.


Sits on a toilet seat cut in half (said by Dad of half-assed preachers).


Not worth shooting.


Doesn't have the sense God gave a goose.


Earned his NCM degree early. (NCM is an abbreviation for Non compos mentis, which is Latin for mentally incompetent. Used to be used in applications in probate court for a guardianship for a legally incompetent person.)

Not YOU of course Bertha!

And one more from my dad's arsenal: If brains were nickels, you couldn't make a phone call. (For you younger Lounge Lizrds, they used to have this device called a "payphone", and in prehistoric times you could make a call for a nickel! )

"I bet if you drink a can of tomato juice, and take your clothes off, you'll
look like a thermometer.
Or, " If you ever get pregnant, you'll look like a rope with a knot in it"
He was full of these kind of funny insults, especially designed for all of us. We all loved him.

Someone once said of me, "That boy's so skinny, he has to run around in the shower to get wet."

He'd look like a zipper.

Diagnosed with head-up-the-Asperger's syndrome

You've got a point there, but if you comb your hair right, nobody will notice.

Just because your head comes to a point doesn't mean you're related to William Penn.

And another which I've used to describe a couple managerial types, "a $50 haircut on a nickel head"

when I got my drivers licence I got the job of driving my Grampa around when we were here at the ranch. Well I was a urban kid in the 70's so you can imagine the music I was listening to. One day I had the radio on and his comment was "Why that sounds just like a washer-woman with her tit caught in the ringer"

Couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.

If he fell out the boat he couldn't find water

There's no patch big enough for that slow leak.

His elevator never leaves the basement.

If shit were brains, he couldn't fart.

Or: He's/she's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

He's not hitting on all 8 cylinders.

You look into his/her yes; and there's someone else driving.

The honourable member has proven that there is no such thing as unutterable nonsense.

and

a few cans short of a sixpack.