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Tue Nov 20, 2012, 10:41 AM

 

Expert: Guys don’t want casual sex!

Most men aren't sex-crazed Casanovas, a researcher argues. They're in search of relationships, not one-night stands

He’s got one thing on his mind and one thing only: sex. Namely, how to get it as often and with as many different women as humanly possible. He’s become a staple of modern comedies, from “Porky’s” to “American Pie” to “Superbad,” and he’s what research psychologist Andrew P. Smiler calls the “Casanova stereotype.”

This popular conception of young men is the subject of Smiler’s new book, “Challenging Casanova: Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male.” This stereotype “tells us that guys are primarily interested in sex, not relationships,” he writes. “This contributes to the notion that guys are emotional clods who are incapable of connecting with their partners because, hey, they’re just guys, and guys are only interested in sex. “ The result is the belief that “guys shouldn’t be expected to achieve any type of ‘real’ emotional intimacy with their partners.”

But Smiler has an important question: “If Casonova-style promiscuity is men’s naturally evolved state, then why do most men want no more than one partner?” In “Challenging Casanova,” the Wake Forest University professor lays out the current data on young men’s sexual desires and behavior to make a case against this insidious stereotype. The book is grounded in research but nonetheless accessible and not exceedingly academic. It dares us to consider what might happen if we forgot everything we thought we knew about young men and began accepted the truth that they are largely interested in relationships, not endless one-night stands.

...

What most guys seek, and this seems to be regardless of sexual orientation or age, they’re looking for people whose company they enjoy. People who appreciate them for who they are. We know that a couple tends to be similar in age. More often than not folks match on ethnicity, political orientation and religiosity. The thing that ultimate grounds it are personality match, similar sense of humor, similar tastes in music, TV and movies, similar activities, because you want to be able to do things with your sweetie and you want someone who gets you. They want someone who’s honest, who’s not going to tell your secrets and who’s loyal. And, of course, those last are typically the reasons people break up — that or you’re emailing the FBI.

http://www.salon.com/2012/11/18/expert_guys_dont_want_casual_sex/


Interesting. Perhaps men have been unfairly smeared.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 10:52 AM

1. Or maybe they just asked the wrong guys.

He**, I wouldn't turn it down!

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 11:01 AM

2. Ya think?

 

Quick, somebody post the OP in HoF.

I know that is what I want. A committed relationship with someone with similar beliefs and values. Got one, works for us.
I have known my whole life women are people. A problem arises when some some people don't acknowledge the other gender are people too. We are not each others enemies. But there is a segment that seems to think so.

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Response to RC (Reply #2)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 11:15 AM

4. not enemies

 

just realistic observers of behaviour

if what young men wanted is relationships than the statistics would show that, instead what we get is men well into their 40's before they can 'settle down' with a single mate in the way a true relationship requires.

sorry, you may be more the exception than the rule.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 11:13 AM

3. young men too self centered for what normally happens in a relationship

 

more than likely what the researcher discovered is that the guy wants 'steady sex' from a single person but that does not imply he wants a relationship.

men have huge sexual appetites and society does not cultivate the social programming to tell me how to curb that appetite.

men that age are too lazy and insecure to take the time to get to know a woman. mostly they want steady sex.. that's my conjecture as a lesbian who prefers women out of choice moreso than any biological destiny....

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 11:22 AM

5. I'm no expert, but I've been a single woman for many years. In my experience,

one of the main reasons men want a steady relationship is because it usually means a steady supply of sex. It's not the only reason, of course, but it ranks pretty high on the scale. That's just a personal observation, YMMV.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 12:21 PM

6. Not sure about this. I wonder what occupations the males he used as test subjects were in.

Maybe it depends on the environment the male is in, like a testosterone-filled occupation like the military or police. Being in the military in a large town like San Antonio, I would see several good family guys, but too many others fell into categories like: the lonely soldier away from home that desperately wanted a relationship and tended to marry young and start a family quickly. I'd see some of those relationships end in divorce and bitter men that became wary of commitment and sexually indiscriminate. I'd see soldiers in a culture teeming with machismo that were expected to have a certain one-upmanship in the sexual arena. That did not just apply to the males. Many female soldiers had their own harems. It's like the culture masculinized us. Cops were worse, much worse. I briefly worked in janitorial services for the SAPD right after high school and the sexual harassment against all female personnel, even female cops, was shocking. Hearing them talk, I don't see how they could have been protecting and serving when they were so busy making booty calls to bored housewives in their patrol areas and women they'd stopped for speeding in the back of their cruisers. Sure, a lot of it might have been guy bs, but a cop in the SAPD stalked my daughter for TEN YEARS. I have no respect for them.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 12:27 PM

7. Call me an old-fashioned prude but tv characters like Charlie from 21/2 Men and Barney from

How I Met Your Mother are pathetic.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 07:52 PM

8. I see no reason to be critical of men

who enjoy screwing around versus those who prefer a single, long term relationship. With all the brouhaha over how some segment of our society view homosexuality as some sort of a deviant behavior, I think it's hypocritical of us to view men who prefer jumping from one partner to another as deviant, or as less noble, behavior.

Let's just let people do what they want. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, it's not something to be bothered by.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 08:52 PM

9. Both genders exhibit the full range of desires and behaviors.

Trying to shoehorn people into one category or another is the real problem, if you ask me. Ditto for expecting others' personal lives to match one's own preferences.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Tue Nov 20, 2012, 09:26 PM

10. Trying to qualify the type of sex guys want is futile

Just accept that they want whatever sex they can get...

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Wed Nov 21, 2012, 11:42 AM

11. Answer is: men want both

They want the security of a relationship, and as well the ability to hook up with different women.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Wed Nov 21, 2012, 12:24 PM

12. OK, maybe men want relationships...

But they seem to be okay having more than one at once.

If men didn't want casual sex, prostitutes would not exist, so as far as I'm concerned, their existence blows the theory out of the wanter.

Petraeus, Clinton, Jesse Jackson, John Edwards... more than one relationship at a time.

Still doesn't make them marriage material.

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Response to qwlauren35 (Reply #12)

Wed Nov 21, 2012, 02:07 PM

13. Of course SOME men want casual sex exclusively and many men want it sometimes.

 

Many women want casual sex sometimes in their lives, too.

I don't think that the expert's point was as categorical as you are understanding it. Her point is that the caricature is wildly overstated.

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Wed Nov 21, 2012, 02:19 PM

14. Spam deleted by gkhouston (MIR Team)

 

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Response to TPaine7 (Original post)

Wed Nov 21, 2012, 03:26 PM

15. jmowreader: Most guys don't want to do their own laundry

With very few exceptions - swans come to mind - males are programmed by nature to have sex with as many females as they possibly can. Call it survival of the species; if, say, four men and four women produce 16 offspring and no two have the same parents, the odds of recessive birth defects afflicting very many of the kids are remote.

We will call the desire to fuck anything that moves "male sexual disposition." Women aren't immune to this, but society frowns on it. We used to call women with MSD "loose women," which at the time was as bad as us in our time calling the same women sluts.

Female sexual disposition drives someone to settle down with one person. Guys can have this too, but this is REALLY frowned on - they're almost uniformly accused of being homosexual.

FSD also drives nesting behavior, or being what in the Fifties was called "a good little cook." Guys seek out these women for marriage because MSD makes you not want to vacuum anything but the inside of your car. They will make an adaptation to FSD behavior because FSD women won't put up with MSD shit for long, but at their core they still have MSD tendencies. Which is why there's so much adultery and so many men like porn.

Probably 90 percent of married men would jump into bed with women they're not married to if given half a chance. Conversely, probably 75 percent of the same men either can't or won't take care of themselves and they know it, so the will to survive forces them into conformity.

I really think the lack of domesticity is a genetic trait among men. Example: I was talking to someone I know and the subject of her husband's inability in the kitchen came up..."I told him to make chicken for dinner, and it was half done and overseasoned." No one is born knowing how to make chicken, right? FSD will lead you to look at a recipe or call someone who knows how to make chicken. MSD leads you to dump half a can of Seasoned Salt on it and throw it in the oven for ten minutes. Women suffer the same thing; the cute girls who "get around" can't boil water without burning it. You can be either domestic or promiscuous; X or Y chromosome makes no difference.

What could have been fun is to ask a follow-up question: if your wife would let you, would you have sex with other women? The number of yes votes would shock half the country.

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