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Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:35 PM

"Goodbye, Red States!" - very funny essay



http://tpzoo.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/goodbye-red-states/http://www.bettybowers.com/nl_redorblue.html

From above link:



Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes:
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

12 replies, 2826 views

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Arrow 12 replies Author Time Post
Reply "Goodbye, Red States!" - very funny essay (Original post)
anobserver2 Nov 2012 OP
anobserver2 Nov 2012 #1
Marie Marie Nov 2012 #2
codjh9 Nov 2012 #3
anobserver2 Nov 2012 #5
DJ13 Nov 2012 #6
Doc Holliday Nov 2012 #11
John2 Nov 2012 #4
Trueblue Texan Nov 2012 #7
anobserver2 Nov 2012 #8
nightscanner59 Nov 2012 #10
MatthewStLouis Nov 2012 #9
Ednahilda Nov 2012 #12


Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:42 PM

2. And we are taking all those federal funds the red states receive in disproportionate amounts

to what they pay in. Let's see you blance your budgets without us blue states.

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Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:43 PM

3. Funny - but the writer should've included NM & CO! C'mon! :^)

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Response to codjh9 (Reply #3)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:54 PM

5. True, but I don't know when it was written - good graphics, too

Check out the graphic of the map and click on it in the link. Some very funny stuff.

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Response to anobserver2 (Reply #5)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:57 PM

6. True, but I don't know when it was written

At least back in 2004 since it mentioned Worldcom.

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Response to DJ13 (Reply #6)

Fri Nov 9, 2012, 07:24 AM

11. The date in the link

says Oct. 24, 2008.

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Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 10:50 PM

4. We

 

can also take the large cities in most of these red states with us and charge the hinterlands to use our facilities for services. The local city governments can declare independence. The hinterland is on their own.

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Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 11:16 PM

7. Not funny to me

I live in the big ol' red state of Texas and I'm a PROUD liberal Democrat. There are more of us here than you think and we get damn tired of the entire state, which we happen to love, being characterized as backward and right wing. How 'bout some encouragement? We have come farther than you realize and commentary like this certainly hasn't helped.

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Response to Trueblue Texan (Reply #7)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 11:23 PM

8. It was meant to be on the lighter side

NO offense intended!

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Response to Trueblue Texan (Reply #7)

Fri Nov 9, 2012, 01:44 AM

10. Keep in mind this is tongue-in-cheek retort to the right wing secessionists.

As I see it. Same have recognized the blue stripe running through the bible belt cities all the way from Austin to Birmingham. Austin has the longest reputation of being a liberal island in a sea of conservatism for half a century. UT Austin and the city in the seventies had instituted far more progressive programs that sadly didn't continue--- no fare bus system paid by taxes, for instance. Costs and freeways to the expanded city overwhelmed that.
The more much of the younger generation loses grandpa telling them about the good ole days.... reality will sink in how that system just doesn't fly anymore. The south is turning blue.

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Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Thu Nov 8, 2012, 11:41 PM

9. Very funny! I'm from Missouri and this is hilarious!

I have always admired those who can laugh at themselves.


"If you can't laugh at yourself, then how can you laugh at anybody else? I think people see the human side of you when you do that."
-Payne Stewart


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Response to anobserver2 (Original post)

Fri Nov 9, 2012, 09:41 AM

12. It's a great idea

but I think that we Northeasterners will want to have some say in our new national name. New California? Really?

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