An acquaintance of mine killed herself last week. She had bipolar disorder.

[Tobin S.]

She was 33 years old, married, and had two step-children. She worked at a convenience store that I stop into about five days a week. Her funeral was today and the funeral home was right across the street from the convenience store. They closed the store down for the funeral and allowed overflow parking for the funeral home in the lot. She was obviously loved and liked by many.

I stopped in the store after the funeral. They had opened it back up. There was a collection can there to help cover the costs of the funeral. I made a donation. I told the clerk that when I hear of something like that, I wish I could have talked to him or her before something bad happened. But most people don't talk about these things and try to bear the pain in private. Family members might not even know the extent of the suffering.

The reason I think I might be able to help people who are suffering from mental illnesses, or help them get help, is that I have bipolar disorder, too. I struggled with it for ten years before I got the proper treatment. In that time I was hospitalized three times for being suicidal. My illness has been under control for nine years thanks to medication. I plan on being in treatment for the rest of my life.

I wish people didn't feel like they have to be in the closet about this. It would save a lot of lives if our society was more open and accepting of those of us who have brain disorders. I'm not exactly out-spoken about it. Nobody at work knows about it and it's not usually something I say to people unless I know them well. My family knows as does my wife. I've told them about what to look for in case I start acting strangely. The really scary thing about my illness, to me, is that I don't know I'm sick when I'm suffering from my symptoms. That happens to about 30% of people who have mental illnesses. When I am well, I can look back and see it. But when I'm in the throes of my illness, I am in a different world.

I thought about putting this in the mental health forum, but maybe more people will see it here. Thanks for listening.

[yardwork]

1. That's sad. I agree with you, but even more, we need more funding for mental health care.

[annabanana]

2. Thank you for sharing this Tobin.. And , yes,

GD is the right place for it. Recognizing that mental illnesses are not moral failures, or lack of will, will go a long way to ease a great deal of pain and unnecessary shame.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. How sad, my dear Tobin...

My heart goes out to her family and friends...how much they must be hurting now.

I'm glad you put this here. We all need to see these stories.

[malaise]

4. One of hubby's nieces is bipolar

It's a non-stop battle for her. Keep up your struggle!! It must be so hard for you all to deal with her death.

[revolution breeze]

5. There seems to have been an increase in the suicide rate.

I am not quoting any statistics and am frankly too tired to look, but I know of at least five people I personally knew who have committed suicide within the past five years. Two were active duty military, one had just retired and could no adjust to non-military life, and the last two were young adults.

I am sorry for your loss, Tobin.

[mopinko]

6. suicides always have big funerals.

everyone wishes they had spoken up. everyone wishes they had laid a hand on. but it is so hard to help people. even when you know.
thanks for sharing this, tobin, and you are absolutely right that this belongs in gd. (x-post would be good, tho)

[slackmaster]

7. Not always. My friend who took her life in January had no funeral. She had alienated everyone.

Isolated herself completely.

Her issue was Borderline Personality Disorder that went incorrectly diagnosed therefore untreated for about 40 years.

Her father has dementia and is in a nursing home. One of her brothers volunteered to take care of her affairs. He disposed of her belongings and settled her estate.

Other than that, there has been no memorial, no closure whatsoever.

[mopinko]

9. that's awful sad.

i want to go quietly, tho.

[backscatter712]

18. Very tragic. But I'd rather have an Irish wake. With lots of alcohol.

Get everyone down to the bar and drink toasts to my name, remembering the good times!

[slackmaster]

8. I'm sorry for your loss Tobin S. You have a lot of empathy and relevant experience. However...

...I hope you don't allow yourself to fall prey to survivor's guilt. It's very common for people to say things like "If only I had..." with the conclusion that the person who committed suicide might have made different choices.

I'm sure you know this intellectually, but your acquaintance's death was not your fault. Because she was well liked and connected, I have no doubt that there are many other people thinking along the lines you are - If only I had said X, done Y, etc.

The really scary thing about my illness, to me, is that I don't know I'm sick when I'm suffering from my symptoms. That happens to about 30% of people who have mental illnesses.

I'd be surprised if the percentage was that low with depression, or the down phase of bipolar disorder. It distorts everything.

[Tobin S.]

11. Thank you, slackmaster

No, I'm not having trouble with survivor's guilt, but when something like this happens it makes want to volunteer to help man the suicide prevention help line or donate to sympathetic charities or volunteer in some other way. I don't have time for it right now, and maybe you need more than a deeply felt empathy to truly help people. However, the young woman I spoke of had two charities listed in her obituary that help people with bipolar disorder. Maybe I will donate to them.

[elleng]

10. Thank you, Tobin.

[robinlynne]

12. Thank-you for speaking about this, Tobin.

[Smilo]

28. +1

[southernyankeebelle]

13. Sorry for your lose of your friend.

[lpbk2713]

14. You were right to post it in GD IMO.

Thanks for sharing. We never know what personal demons others are hiding.

Was the store a local operation? It was good of them to do what they did. The big
chains I am familiar with would not have even considered doing what this one did.

[Tobin S.]

16. It's a locally owned mom and pop's joint

in a small community. It looks as if the people there are pretty tight-knit. I'm from a larger town just to the south, but I go through their town every day through the week and stop in that store. Everybody seems to know each other there.

[pipoman]

15. Mental health and addiction services

should be guaranteed for anyone who needs it. As it is, it is difficult to receive treatment without insurance, and then there are usually tough restrictions. I have said for some time that the failure "war on drugs" should be suspended and the enormous budget should be used to offer mental health and addiction services to anyone who needs it. MJ at least should be decriminalized. Easy access would reduce suicides, and the number of people shooting up the 7-11, decriminalization would curb the flow of money to violent gangs..all good things, imho.

[tomp]

30. great suggestion on funding mental health care. nt

[chervilant]

34. NO WAY!!!

That would make entirely too much sense! AND, the corporatists who are making a KILLING on the WOD would lose a HUGE source of cash (and, an effective way to keep the Hoi Polloi distracted).

[Betsy Ross]

17. For the most part, I am very open about my depression

Bi-polar type II. (I keep it low-key at work.) I believe it helps to remove the stigma of mental illness to be open about it. And you can be a role model or provide support to those who are having similar issues.
I'm so sorry that your acquaintance could not get the help she needed. But the disease makes it so hard to do the work to get help.
I had a contractor working on my house for the better part of a year. When his depression got so bad that he would not work for weeks, I dragged him to my physician and then paid for the Rx he couldn't afford. He told me I saved his life. He has held down a full-time job for many years now.
It doesn't always work, but when someone lets you help them get help, it's a wonderful thing.
I was first diagnosed at 30 after a very rough youth. Now at 60+ I am stable, but always on the watch for sneaky episodes.

[siligut]

19. We need better mental healthcare and it needs to be available to all

Mental healthcare unfortunately has a stigma attached to it. And US healthcare, in general took a bad turn, when it turned for-profit.

Suicide is so sad, a last resort for people who could see no other way out.

[lunatica]

20. How terribly sad

It's good that you're doing your part to dispel the onus that so many feel about mental health issues. My mother's family always treated it like it was shame heaped on the family and humiliating. Something to be kept securely locked behind closed doors.

[polly7]

21. I'm so sorry Tobin S.

I'm so very sad for your friend, her family and all of her friends and acquaintances. I'm glad you spoke about her here. My heart aches for anyone struggling with untreated mental illness.

We all know someone who's fighting and just hanging on, you've reminded me to call a few people and see how they're doing.

[nolabear]

22. Thank you for a wonderful post. I'm a therapist and know how challenging this is.

And you're absolutely right on to remind relatives and friends to be a team for you. Having the mind observe the mind is always completely subjective. Having those you can trust be there to help you keep the faith until you get the meds worked out is key.

I'm so sorry your acquaintance wasn't able to be all right. I've known and known of some absolutely stellar people with bipolar disorder and sometimes the damned thing just wins. But mostly not, especially when people care and help.

My best wishes to you.

[TuxedoKat]

23. How sad

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Thanks for sharing this story. If more people were open about mental illness it would get better funding.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

24. So sorry to hear this.

[benld74]

25. Bipolar is definitely treatable with the correct healthcare,,,

and can be tragic without. We have a number of bipolar on my wifes side of the family. Some life long and some just beginning. Support from your closest and proper care is the road to staying the best one can be.

[csziggy]

26. Tobin - condolences on the loss of your friend

As you know, bi-polar disorder is very hard to treat and for those without insurance the search for proper treatment can be unreachable.

My niece is bi-polar and it has been a struggle for her. She's about the age of your friend and only recently has found a medication that works for her without unpleasant side effects. I think having a loving husband has also helped since he can watch for symptoms and warn her when she is off kilter.

She's also very open about her problems with family members. My parents have difficulty understanding but being able to discuss things with her have helped the entire family help her. It's also pointed out to all of us that some of the problems other family members have may be related to her illness.

Thank you for bringing this to everyone's attention!

[bigwillq]

27. I am sorry for your loss.

Thanks for sharing your story.

K and R

[Sherman A1]

29. I know of 2 suicides of late

members of different co-workers immediate families. The reasons remain somewhat unclear beyond they were obviously dealing with inner demons. In both cases they were male and in both cases spouses & small children were left behind, to wade through the emotional and financial burdens. Both are tragic in their own ways of course as are all. It is now for the survivors to push through each day and make the best of the situation as they can do.

[JNelson6563]

31. Some are so bad off they think they are fine.

I know someone with the disorder and she's so very sick she thinks she's fine (ok, she thinks she's well and truly awesome!1!). She is really sick though. One day on top of the world, another day everything is as bad as they can get.

I managed her business, she was incredibly abusive. Made life a living hell. Now if I meet anyone that demonstrates similar behavior I get away as fast as possible. It really is a shame that this condition ruins so many lives. Those who suffer from it and those who suffer at the hands of those who suffer from it.

Julie

[truedelphi]

42. There seems to be a sub set of people with bi-polar

disorder who simply will not stay on any medications.

It seems to be part of the disease. One person I know is always fine right as she starts the new treatment regimen. And then the drug makes her sick while adjusting to it, but she tells everyone that she understands it is a matter of hanging in there.

Then when the drug is actually starting to work, and work well, she says, "Well, i am really fine and nothing is wrong with me - why take any medications?" And she stops.

This has gone on for at least fifteen years. You can imagine the trouble this causes her family.

[LittleGirl]

32. thanks for sharing your story and that of your friend.

Mental illness is real and scattered all over our family tree.
Several members in my family have undiagnosed issues and have used alcohol to cope.
The question is, is it the mental illness or the alcoholism?
One of my cousins killed himself on new year's eve when he was 18 by hanging himself with a belt. His father found him.

[meeksgeek]

33. Sorry for your loss

I'm bipolar and have struggled with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for the past several years, and self-destructive behavior for far longer. A coworker of mine committed suicide many years ago, and it was totally unexpected. I saw then what it does to the people in the victim's life. In spite of the strong drive I feel to do something drastic, I've gone out of my way to remove myself from situations that present opportunities (or to remove opportunities from my reach, for example I do not own a gun).

I don't know what else to say. It's tragic.

[midnight]

35. K&R "The availability and quality of mental health services varies greatly from county to county."

"Funding per client is up to six times higher in some counties than in others."

http://www.wisconsinwatch.org/2011/04/03/wisconsin’s-mental-health-system-braces-for-major-cuts-under-walker/

[Blanks]

36. I've never heard it before, but I expect that

Bipolar disorder is a spectrum disorder like autism. In a lot of cases the symptoms can be handled with a small group of understanding close friends (or family) but not in all cases.

I'm sorry about your friend Tobin. I noticed someone else pointed out that drinking seems to exacerbate the symptoms. An attempt to self medicate; without exception, is a bad idea. Yet, it seems to be a very commonly taken path among people with bipolar disorder.

There is to be a lot of depression and bipolar disorder running in my family. I get depressed some times, and have to remind myself that 'surely, this too will pass'. I recognize that my symptoms are not as severe as some people (thus, the spectrum theory), but I think in a lot of cases someone with bipolar disorder isn't in need of medication as much as they are in need of a group of (non-drinking) understanding friends.

Medication, like any other kind of chemical intervention (think farming) should be used as a last resort. However, such things can only be determined with an in depth analysis of the individual needing treatment.

I also believe that too many suicides are as a result of the 'fenced back yard' society that we have become. We don't have the level of interaction with our neighbors that we used to. We don't shop in neighborhood markets, or pass familiar faces on the sidewalk. We spend too much time in our cars, alone. We are much more isolated by design. Even in cases where someone has a supportive spouse; they may work different shifts, and only see each other a couple of hours a week. It is the same, or worse, than being alone.

Again, I'm sorry about your friend. This really is a serious issue that we need to deal with as a society.

[emald]

37. Bipolar here, before I think better of it

I was diagnosed Bipolar, depressive, eighteen years ago. It has almost killed me a number of times, but I'm still here. Most of the time.
I tell almost no one, though to be truthful I have almost no one to tell. I have lost my wife, my children, money, and most everything else you can think of. I have no friends, none, and only a couple of people even know my name. I do have a recently found girl friend who has compassion in her heart. She helps greatly.
I look normal. I sound normal if you bother to ask me something. But this goddamned brain illness will kill me, sooner or later, though right now I don't want to die from it.
I am also a disabled vet, it's where the brain fart came from, secondary to a service connected issue. My doctor told me last month that there is no psych help available, no money, no one to take appointments where I live. Just out of luck. So sorry. Took me six weeks to get that appointment with him and the take away was "so sorry". Made me chuckle. You have to love the VA.
So I have found my own way to keep this brain problem under control and it's working so far. Eighteen years and counting now. The particulars don't matter much, the processes are well known, just difficult and demanding physically. I use long distance bicycle riding to help myself, averaging thirty miles a day, everyday, EVERYDAY. Long days are 75 miles, short ones 15.
Bipolar kills people. It is a rigorous and demanding disease. I am sorry it took your neighbors life, I hope it doesn't take yours. I hope it doesn't take mine. It is very difficult to find good help for this stuff and I'm glad you have, your fortunate in that you can afford the care. But for the few VA bipolar patients I have met getting the proper treatments is pretty much out of the question. And for the store clerk? did she have psych help? I'm guessing not, given her death, and the fact that a collection was taken. Too bad no one took a collection to help her before she died. Isn't that so like the US? Glad to help after the fact but loath to help before. Crazy, man. Crazy. And the doctors tell me that I am crazy. Wow.
I guess my point is that help is expensive. Maybe it is not that she didn't get help, maybe she couldn't get help. I can't. I don't have the cash to walk up to a doctor and schedule some help. Most wouldn't even let me in their doors. Let's say I don't have the look of money about me.
Great that you want to help folks who have Bipolar disease. Do it. Hopefully you have lots of money and can get them some real help. Just remember that money is the great barrier to help in this country and many people just can't afford to get help. Maybe she knew help existed but also had that terrible understanding that it wasn't for her due to her economics. Profit, baby, profit.
Good luck.

[helmsgreene]

38. My young son took his own life 8 months ago

My 22 year old son took a gun and put it in his mouth 8 months ago. I can hardly stand it. He was my only child. He was bipolar and he was getting treatment. While he was in the hospital, he started responding to Abilify. After he was discharged, I tried to get a prescription for him but insurance denied it. I had to fight and fight to get the Abilify but when I finally succeeded, it was too late. He was such a beautiful, sweet young man.

[Pab Sungenis]

39. My deepest sympathies

and welcome to DU. Sad that this had to be your first post.

[BigAnth]

40. My heart goes out to you.

We lost our 15 year old daughter to suicide/bipolar disorder 5 years ago. My wife and I will never completely get over this devastating loss, but it does get better with time. A support group such as "Survivors Of Suicide" can be a great help in dealing with your loss and working through the grieving process. It takes time, but it does get better eventually.

[tpsbmam]

43. Oh, helmsgreene, I'm so sorry

To have lost so many Americans through death due to lack of insurance or insurance corps refusing to cover needed healthcare is so infuriating. Then to hear this young man dying because a greedy insurer intent on enriching high level staff & stockholders (as is the model for all for-profit insurers) wouldn't approve a simple and these days common med so critically important for your son's health & well-being.....it's infuriating, heartbreaking and unconscionable! My ire is directed at the insurance co and heartfelt sympathies go out to you.

(And welcome to DU helmsgreen.)

[Tobin S.]

41. Thank you everyone for the kind words and all of the recommendations

It does my heart good to see a thread like this on the greatest page.

To all of those who are suffering, either because of your own illness, the illness of a loved one, or through loss of a loved one, my heart goes out to you. Feel free to send me a private message if you are in need of support. I've been through a lot with this illness- doctors, money, medication, glorious highs and disastrous lows, dope, uninsured and insured, hospitalizations and therapy, discrimination, loneliness, and basically hell on this Earth. It may not look like it in the place you are at right now, but things can get better. It is possible. All hope is not lost.

[tpsbmam]

44. You've done a great thing here, Tobin.

Thank you.

[MADem]

45. I have an in-law whose journey mirrors yours.

She's doing GREAT now, but it was a long haul. She, too, doesn't realize when she goes off-track, and it's usually as a consequence of medical non-compliance. We are schooled, through experience, to be aware of changes in her behavior and we're frank with one another in discussing any concerns. We're a naturally nosy family--it's tough to have secrets around the lot of us!

It is a foolish thing to hide and not talk about, but the sad fact is that there are a lot of stupid people in the world who just don't get it. One wouldn't be ashamed of a broken arm, now, would one, or diabetes? It's not like it's something that the person has any control over.

Medicines have gotten better over the years--my in-law is doing VERY well now, and life is good for her.

Very good post of yours--thanks for taking the time to put it up.