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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsPeople are expected to provide reasons for not having children. But not for having kids.
I not posting this to start one of those endless, "you hate kids threads". Just never heard someone lay it out the double standard like this. I have known people who struggle to pay the bills and they'll have a whole bunch of kids. It's socially unacceptable to say, Didn't you consider that they'd need help with college tuition before you had x babies?In fact, people are still expected to provide reasons not to have children, but no reasons are required to have them. It’s assumed that if individuals do not have children it is because they are infertile, too selfish or have just not yet gotten around to it. In any case, they owe their interlocutor an explanation. On the other hand, no one says to the proud parents of a newborn, Why did you choose to have that child? What are your reasons? The choice to procreate is not regarded as needing any thought or justification.
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/17/think-before-you-breed/
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southernyankeebelle
(11,304 posts)have them. Now your asking me why? F you buddy. Because I wanted to. Now that is the answer I would tell the busy body.
GreenPartyVoter
(72,377 posts)
LiberalLoner
(9,761 posts)or the human race will die off" mode that was in vogue before antibiotics. It takes a whole lot of time for traditions that are that deeply entrenched to change.
If you ask me, it's the unselfish thing to do to NOT have children, considering there is going to be a massive die-off pretty soon due to diminishing resources, and the fewer people around for it, the fewer to die, the less misery overall.
Blue_Tires
(55,445 posts)to give me the snip...His reasoning was he had to make sure the patient was 100 percent certain, because too many in the past have asked for reversals....
jberryhill
(62,444 posts)Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)HopeHoops
(47,675 posts)
Your point is quite valid (humor aside).
Wait Wut
(8,492 posts)...asking why someone had kids is a silly question that I would respond to with a discussion on biology. People breed either by choice or not. If someone doesn't have children, I think they've either made a very well planned and logical decision or they're unable to have children. Either way, it's a more interesting discussion than why Jennifer decided to pop out 6 kids. You almost always get, "Oh! I just LOVE children!!" It's a little insensitive to discuss children that have already been born and named when you ask them, "Have you ever heard of moderation?". I've noticed a lot of mothers, and most fathers, really don't want to think of their kids as mistakes (even when they were).
I had one kid at 18. I wanted another, but couldn't have more. My sister has no children. She was unable. My brother has one kid, but had decided early on not to have any. They had two pugs, instead...and then...oops.
I think saying "expected to provide reasons" is incorrect. Unless you're discussing the issue with your grandchildless mother, most people really aren't that interested. It's small talk, normally. "Why didn't you have kids?", "Never got around to it.", "Oh. Okay." is how I've seen the conversation go more often than not.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)But some people can be really insensitive when asking why kids are not born.
Wait Wut
(8,492 posts)My parents were furious at my brother when he said he and his wife had decided to not have kids. I've also seen some of my friends get hounded by otherwise reasonable people when they've stated their decision (THEIR decision, btw) to not have kids.
I whine at my kid on occasion. He and his wife have decided to not have kids, but, they still think they may change their minds at some point. But, I respect their decision on how they want to live their lives.
revolution breeze
(879 posts)My older daughters are in their 20s, my young 12. I always get asked why I started all over again. The answer is simply it happened. My tubes were tied after my second child but I was in that .0001 percent that come untied. Now my fallopian tubes are cut, tied, burned and hubby had a vasectomy. No more surprises.......
meeksgeek
(1,214 posts)I get this question a lot. She had a miscarriage and since that time we've had to live on her income alone (as I can't seem to find a job, in spite of years of experience and no less than three college degrees). I just tell people that we can't afford to start a family right now; if they can't understand that it's not my problem.
LanternWaste
(37,748 posts)I've never been asked, questions or queried about my childless status. Don't really feel oppressed or dismissed by this double-standard as I've never seen it or heard it in any real form... 
TNLib
(1,819 posts)Some people are just bunch of nosy bodies in everyone business and wanting to pass judgment on someone else.
RufusTFirefly
(8,812 posts)I find most children delightful, although I don't have any of my own and at this point -- for better or worse -- it doesn't look as though I ever will.
That said, I was fascinated when I discovered that Daniel Gilbert, the psychologist who has focused much of his research on happiness, says that having kids doesn't make you happy.
[link:http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1941195/Marriage-without-children-the-key-to-bliss.html|
Marriage without children the key to bliss]
Married life is the key to happiness but having children can ruin it all, a psychologist claims.
Couples only recover their blissful existence once their offspring have left the nest, says Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard University
He told a conference in Sydney that studies in America and Europe had shown that feelings of contentment spike during the early years of marriage, but fall heavily after having children.
More here
FarCenter
(19,429 posts)L0oniX
(31,493 posts)FarCenter
(19,429 posts)
RoseMead
(1,014 posts)that not everyone who is raising children "had" children. I never gave birth to children, on purpose, because I couldn't afford them. But I married a man who has two children. They were youthful accidents and their mothers were either unable or unwilling to care for them. He has full custody, and I raise them as if they were my own.
It's not the "normal" family situation, but it's a very common one. Not everyone chose to have kids. Some of us just chose to love someone who was already a parent.
lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)Swede Atlanta
(3,596 posts)In the modern context, with a world that is over-populated, a world that is literally choking itself to death on carbon emissions, that cannot feed, clothe, house or even provide safe drinking water for millions, having children should be viewed as a luxury.
Don't get me wrong. I know couples have both an inherent biological as well as a spiritual need to bring forth new life, nurture that life and see it prosper.
But on another level it is highly narcissistic. It is the sense that I need to ensure I am carried forward to future generations. As a practical matter who cares if "you" are carried forward to another generation? What makes you so special?
Obviously if everyone stopped having children forever the human race would die out. But maybe, just maybe, good family planning to reduce population increase or maybe even reverse the trend and start reducing it, would be a good thing.
Economics can play both sides of this game. Some parents in western societies have only one or two children because they realize they cannot afford more or that want to lavish their children. On the other end of the spectrum are either those that see additional children as a means to increased public assistance or help on the family farm.
Don't get me wrong. I love children and wish all families the best. But we do have to accept that our reasons for pro-creating are sometimes because of a "need" to have our genes carried forward which is narcissism at its worst.
L0oniX
(31,493 posts)Too bad for the kids who will end up in a world without affordable fuel, cars, clean water, food shortages, extreme climate changes, etc.
LiberalFighter
(50,767 posts)
Marrah_G
(28,581 posts)I leave people's lives alone unless they are harming someone else.
