On the 150th anniversary of his death, Lincoln becomes a Democrat

[jmowreader]

Join us now as we meet with the Sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, as he returns from the grave for a moment of historic import...

Seven score and ten years ago, John Wilkes Booth shot me in the back of the head. At the time, I was a member of the Republican Party; in fact, I was the very first president from the Republican Party.

During my time in office, the Republican Party stood for freedom and equality. It no longer does; it has turned into a gang of thieves, bigots, theocrats, despots and oligarchs. I can no longer stand idly by and watch my good name be used to support rash, unbridled criminality. I have therefore decided to change my party registration to Democratic. The Democratic Party is what the Republican Party once was and will never be again.

I have been made aware the current atrocity that has stolen the name of a once-proud party has named its fundraising dinners after me. Quit it. Now. Next time I hear of a "Lincoln Day" dinner that isn't packed with Democrats, I'm going all Shiloh on your asses.

[Agnosticsherbet]

1. A fine statement from a great vampire hunter.