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Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:03 PM

John Cleese: Alerts to threats in 2012 Europe



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person A final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."



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Arrow 22 replies Author Time Post
Reply John Cleese: Alerts to threats in 2012 Europe (Original post)
Iwillnevergiveup Apr 2012 OP
aquart Apr 2012 #1
kentauros Apr 2012 #2
Iwillnevergiveup Apr 2012 #3
olderlib Apr 2012 #4
calimary Apr 2012 #13
Iwillnevergiveup Apr 2012 #5
Kaleva Apr 2012 #6
BadGimp Apr 2012 #7
slampoet Apr 2012 #21
catchnrelease Apr 2012 #8
scarletwoman Apr 2012 #9
Iwillnevergiveup Apr 2012 #10
scarletwoman Apr 2012 #11
pinboy3niner Apr 2012 #12
scarletwoman Apr 2012 #15
muriel_volestrangler Apr 2012 #17
scarletwoman Apr 2012 #18
Norrin Radd Apr 2012 #16
spanone Apr 2012 #14
MichaelMcGuire Apr 2012 #19
slampoet Apr 2012 #20
MOPER May 2012 #22

Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:09 PM

1. Unforgiving sod.

Fun with vitriol.

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:09 PM

2. Why couldn't he have designed our Terra-Alerts during the bush years?

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:10 PM

3. With a whole lotta

not always great news this week, I needed some comic relief.

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:10 PM

4. and his inbox is nothing but SPAM SPAM SPAM

 

what's all this, then?

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Response to olderlib (Reply #4)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 12:31 AM

13. Sausage and Spam

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:50 PM

5. Sorting out Sarah Palin



Still in great form.

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 08:56 PM

6. "a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory" LOL

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 10:05 PM

7. This is just plain mean...

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. "

Ouch....

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Response to BadGimp (Reply #7)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 07:01 PM

21. Tht's because it was wrtten by a freeper or similar. Not CLEESE.

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 10:43 PM

8. Brilliant as always!

I love this man!

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Thu Apr 12, 2012, 10:49 PM

9. Where's the link, dammit?

I love John Cleese, I wanna know where he's writing this stuff!

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Response to scarletwoman (Reply #9)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 12:14 AM

10. Originally got this in an e-mail

with no link. When I googled "John Cleese" many forums popped up and he does appear to have a website at http://www.johncleese.com, but it looks to be fairly inactive.
So, sorry, have no idea where it originated.

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Reply #10)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 12:21 AM

11. Oh well. Thanks for replying, anyway.

I do wish people would include links in their emails.

Not blaming you - I'm delighted that you posted this. Thanks again!

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Response to scarletwoman (Reply #11)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 12:28 AM

12. Google the title

That gives results showing it on FB, blogs, etc. I didn't search the sites to find a link, but one site did note that this was posted there "11 months ago."

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #12)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 02:20 AM

15. I did just that. None of the sites I clicked on had a link.

They all just had the text. Interesting thing, some of the sites had "Libya" in the text instead of "Syria" - the "11 months ago" you came across is probably accurate.

I love the writing quoted in the OP of this thread, but I really dislike not finding a clear source. There's simply no proof that John Cleese wrote it. It's possible that he did - and it's probably a year old or so - but without a link to the original, there's really no way to know.

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Response to scarletwoman (Reply #15)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 05:15 AM

17. I can date much of it back to 2007, at least

http://www.ghettomedic.com/archive/index.php/t-4554.html (apologies if the 'ghetto' use in that website title is offensive to anyone; it looks like a discussion board for EMS people)

I think the chances of John Cleese writing more than one phrase of it, if that, are very, very small.

On edit: The Snopes message board traced it back to March 2007, when a blogger said it was of unknown origin then: http://tartfromhell.com/2007/03

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Response to muriel_volestrangler (Reply #17)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 07:09 AM

18. Ah, thanks. I didn't think of checking with Snopes, good work!

While I do think the material is funny, it never ceases to amaze me how easily stuff with no proof of attribution gets passed around and taken at face value.

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Response to scarletwoman (Reply #9)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 05:14 AM

16. Ask him on Twitter:

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 12:34 AM

14. k&r....

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 06:03 PM

19. K&R

 

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Response to Iwillnevergiveup (Original post)

Fri Apr 13, 2012, 07:00 PM

20. This is NOT JOHN CLEESE

I am willing to bet anyone here $100 that it is not.

I write comedy and have personally seen at least 300 pages of his material written out and this matches NONE OF IT.

Cleese never uses these kinds of cliche's. Also he is Brief with his humor.

Also there are at least two other fake letters going around that have a very similar list writing style as this.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

PLEASE be a responsible citizen and stop posting emails that have no source.

You really ought to know better by now.


I hope you didn't send all your money to Nigeria.

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Response to slampoet (Reply #20)

Wed May 23, 2012, 11:37 AM

22. Right you are.

Assuming that Cleese was not posing as John Humberstone who posted this in 2007 ...
www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html

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