Satire alert: FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound
FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound
HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings of this insular fundamentalist organization.
“At approximately 4:15 a.m., federal agents entered the Kennedy premises, apprehending numerous individuals and charging them with multiple counts of attempting to infiltrate the government at federal, state, and local levels,” said lead investigator Frank Campbell, adding that the group’s steadily expanding network of members has used the compound as a base from which to extend its power for decades. “Our investigation indicates that several charismatic leaders within the sect manufactured an intense cult of personality that, over the years, they have used to hold sway over many thousands of followers nationwide.”
Providing evidence of the group’s eccentric ideology, FBI forensic psychologist Ada Willmann told reporters the Kennedy clan’s belief system is structured around the central concept of “Camelot,” within which the family perceives itself in grand, mythic terms as a kind of modern-day American royalty.
FBI officials acknowledged the success of the Kennedy raid stands in stark contrast to a botched operation two years ago at the remote Cheney family ranch in the Wyoming wilderness, where 14 federal agents attempting to serve a warrant were gunned down by extremists on site.
