Surrender and Subordination: Birth Mothers and Adoption Law Reform

[me b zola]

Surrender and Subordination: Birth Mothers and Adoption Law Reform

Elizabeth J. Samuels
University of Baltimore - School of Law

2013

Abstract:

For more than 30 years adoption law reform advocates have been seeking to restore for adult adoptees the right to access their original birth certificates, a right that was lost in all but two states between the late 1930s and 1990. The advocates have faced strong opposition and have succeeded only in recent years and only in eight states. Among the most vigorous advocates for access are “birth mothers” who surrendered their children during a time it was believed that adoption would relieve unmarried women of shame and restore them to a respectable life. The birth mother advocates say that when they surrendered their children, their wishes were subordinated and their voices silenced. They say they want to be heard now as they raise their voices in support of adult adoptees’ rights to information in government records about the adoptees' original identities. Opponents of restoring access, in “women-protective rhetoric” reminiscent of recent anti-abortion efforts, argue that access would harm birth mothers, violating their rights and bringing shame anew through unwanted exposure of out-of-wedlock births. Opponents say they must speak for birth mothers who cannot come forward to speak for themselves.

Birth mother advocates respond that the impetus historically for closing records was to protect adoptive families from public scrutiny and from interference by birth parents, rather than to protect birth mothers from being identified in the future by their children. They maintain that birth mothers did not choose and were not legally guaranteed lifelong anonymity. They point out that when laws that have restored access have been challenged, courts have found neither statutory guarantees of nor constitutional rights to anonymity. They also offer evidence that an overwhelming majority of birth mothers are open to contact with their now grown children.

As a means of assessing these competing claims, this article analyzes the provisions in a collection of birth mother surrender documents assembled by the author — seventy-five mid-twentieth century documents executed in twenty-six different states. In order to establish the significance of the provisions with respect to these claims, the article first relates depictions by birth mothers of a journey from silence to legislative advocacy. The article then examines the conflicting claims about birth mothers that pervade legislative contests over adult adoptee access to original birth certificates. Finally, the article analyzes the provisions of the surrender documents. The analysis of the provisions definitively supports birth mother advocates’ reports that women were neither offered a choice of nor guaranteed lifelong anonymity. Their opponents’ contentions to the contrary, whether motivated by concern for birth mothers or other interests, reinscribe an earlier culture of shame and secrecy, subordinating women’s own wishes and silencing their newly raised voices.

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2233400


All of the bs you hear about "protecting birthmothers" is just that: bullshit. The secrecy and lies are there to protect one party: the adoptive parents.

I demand to be a full citizen. I want my fucking original birth certificate.

Stop with the fucking fairy tales. Children are born with families~real families.

[riderinthestorm]

1. I stand with you

[me b zola]

2. Thank you so much

Although my adoptive parents have passed, I still love them very much. But that does not change reality. I have a mother who wanted me and loves me very much. I hate everything about the adoption industry. At fifty-one years old, I believe that I am entitled to my own birth records.

I beg all progressives to get behind adoptee rights legislation. We have the right to know.

[riderinthestorm]

4. My parents had a child while still in high school that they gave up for adoption

They married after they graduated but never once looked back for my brother. My mom refuses to begin the paperwork so we can look for him. He'd be 61 now. Times a wasting...

My sisters and I have had many arguments with my mom about this. Its maddening.

You are so right. We have the right to know.

[me b zola]

7. How difficult this must be for you

Your parents likely are filled with pain, guilt, shame, and fear. Fear of your brother hating them, or fealing rejected.But you do deserve to know him, to make contact. Let your parents know that this is about more than them, it affects you too.

I wish you (and your brother) the best

[Gormy Cuss]

8. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll find you.

I know a couple who surrendered an infant when they were in college, later married and had a couple more kids. They never sought the child who was adopted because of fear of upsetting her life. Eventually she found them.

I have a relative who found her birth family when she was in her 50s. Her biggest fear was rejection but all she got was love--and the bonus of seeing people who looked liked her.

I know that sometimes it doesn't go well but it's always worth knowing IMHO.

[StevieM]

28. Maybe you can write it all down in a letter for your parents.

That way they will read it in its entirety, and hear all your feelings, before having a chance to cut you off and not complete the expression of your opinion.

Also, it might help them to visit websites that address these issues and situations. Here is one of them:

http://www.origins-usa.org/

[Wait Wut]

3. I hope the best for you.

You sound like a friend of mine.

[me b zola]

5. Thank you

I am in reunion with both sides of my family. My paternal side is difficult, but actually better than I expected, lol. I adore one of my maternal sisters, although all of my maternal siblings are "pro-adoption"~which makes things a little sticky.

Its the knowing that is so important. I didn't know until recently, but there is actually a psych term to explain what I experienced growing up~Genealogical bewilderment:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genealogical_bewilderment

I am grateful for the relationships I have with my original family, the knowing really helps to understand who I am.

I wish your friend the best. Tell her/him to be loud and proud. Our stories are yet to be told, it is up to us to speak up.

[pnwmom]

6. I agree. You should be entitled to your original birth certificate.

The birth mothers don't need to be "protected" in this way. If a particular birth mother doesn't want any contact with her biological child, she is free to make her decision known. That would be a risk to be faced by the adult child.

[me b zola]

9. Thx, pnw mom

Yeah, the entire thing about contacting our original families is really weird and insulting. They act as if we are stalkers going to peer into windows and other insulting stereotypes.Really, you would think that if the adoption industry thought that adoptees were horrible people by nature (or whatever it is that they conclude that makes us dangerous) that potential adopters would run away and never adopt. Its one of the many (sick) paradoxes of being adopted. We are wonderful as long~ as we never ask about our herritage...we are wonderful~but our mothers are crackwhores(thankfully my adoptive parents never talked shit about my mother, I think my life would have taken a differnent (not for the good) turn. Ack, I don't want to dive deeper into the mire of the horrible things said about first mothers and adoptee rights advocates.

I mean, how does anybody deal with someone at their door that they do not want? Geez, its really not that difficult. Yet the adoption industry would like to make first mothers a special class of person that protected from the sight and sound of their own child. Yeah, that sounds normal Like this paper in the OP states, its just not true that first mothers are seeking anominity from their child.

I will never, [bNEVER forget the sound of my mother's voice when I called her for the first time. "Jamie, Jamie, its JAMIE, OMG, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, I've been looking for you..."

[pnwmom]

10. I never had any doubts about my daughter's decision

to only pursue a US open adoption -- not the international route chosen by some of my friends (to avoid "complications.&quot But if I had, your posts would certainly have confirmed that they made the right decision.

It has been almost two years and the birth mom has not yet reached out. But they will be ready, when and if she does. And they will help my granddaughter do whatever she needs to do.

[me b zola]

11. You have no idea how much your wisdom and insight will help your grandchild

Loving a person enough to support them in their endeavors is so necessary in general. I cannot express how important this is for an adoptee to ask their questions, and never, ever be shamed for asking or wondering. Please just reassure your daughter that her child's need to know their biology/history/ancestry is not in the least a slight to her. Its necessary for us.

Wishing you and your family the best

[pnwmom]

13. I think my daughter and her husband know this,

but if they ever need reassurance, I'll be there.

[AnnieBW]

14. Birth Mothers Coming Back and Taking their Kids Back

One of the reasons that many people - myself included - was that there are many well-publicized instances of birth mothers giving their kids up for adoption, then reconsidering it a few years down the road. They sue to get their kids back, and the kids are ripped away from the only home they've ever known. Or, the father, who wasn't in the picture at the time, decides that HE wants the kid. So he sues and gets custody.

If someone decides that they want to give their child up for adoption, I'm all for them having access to their child. But, at the end of the day, the adoptive parents are there to be parents, not just babysitters until the birth parents get their act together.

[pnwmom]

19. I agree. They're not temporary babysitters. Fortunately, in my daughter's state,

the law is very clear. Parents have a defined period of time -- counted in months -- to come forward. When it's over, that's it. Drive-by fathers can't come forward years later, claiming ignorance. And mothers can't "reconsider" either.

[StevieM]

25. Here are some far more common experiences IMO:

1)The birth mother was bullied into the adoption and begs for the baby back a few days later.

2) The father was deliberately denied the right to raise his child, even though he made it clear from the beginning that it was what he wanted.

A birth parent cannot agree to an adoption and then come back years later to reclaim the child. Cases that drag on for years are ones where the PAPs somehow got custody early on, and then refused to return the child after the adoption failed to follow through. They drag the case through the court system for years, and then turn around and say "please don't rip this child from the only home they have ever known."

Interestingly, many adoptees, including ones who love their a-parents, have often said that growing up they wished that their real parents would have come back for them. During the Baby Richard case many adoptees wrote to journalists expressing this sentiment.

I think there should be a period of 30 days during which a birth parent can rescind, mainly because such a large percentage of adoptions seem to be coerced.

[AnnieBW]

12. I had two friends who were adopted

One of my friends growing up was adopted. She was a nice kid, but she was abused by her adoptive family. Another of my friends from college was adopted. She never really wanted to get to know her birth mother until she started to have kids of her own. And then, it was mostly to get information on any genetic problems.

[me b zola]

16. Growing up as an adoptee

I was not abused. One of my friends I don't believe was abused, but another I suspected as a kid there was bad stuff going on. Weeks before I gave birth to my son I learned (from their mother) that in fact the abuse in their house was unimaginal.This was after the second dead son, my sweet friend got sent to prison (there was not a criminal nor bad bone in her body) and the youngest was out selling herself on the street. We were middle class "good Catholics".

I intentionally don't talk about abuse that occurs in some adoptions. There is some research that suggests that there is a higher rate of abuse in adoptive homes than biological families, but that is not my story to tell. For me, I simply want~NEED for a better understanding of the effects of adoption on an adoptee. We need to know our own story, our ancestry/history/biology.

My husband has a navy buddy that I am helping on his jouney to find himself. The first time he approached me about my search he worded everything about, "well, I just want to know if I have siblings and what they are like". Since then he has moved on to a fuller question of his orgins. His adoptive parents are still alive, and sadly, like so many of us, this really messes with his mind, you know, loyalty and weird stuff that gets put on us.

Adoptees do not generally share their true feelings about being an adoptee. Everything in our lives makes us feel guilty for wondering, so we stuff our feelings and questions. This is why I speak out so loudly and so often. I have broken through the cone of silence, and I feel a responsibility to post and talk about these issues.

[AnnieBW]

18. I wasn't implying that a lot of adoptees were abused.

I'm sorry if you misconstrued my post. One of my friends was abused, but the other one was not. In fact, she was adopted by a family that moved overseas for the husband's job. She had a wonderful, loving family that exposed her to so much culture. I am sorry that my friend was abused. I never knew, but my parents sure did. I am sorry that your friend was abused. But, abuse happens in non-adoptive families, too.

[likesmountains 52]

15. My mom gave up a baby in 1947..

The "baby' contacted her when she was about 35 years old. They met a few times, and then my mom decided to cut her off. My 1/2 sister wrote to me, wanting to meet the rest of the family ( 5 1/2 siblings). I never replied to her letter because we are not exactly a nice, happy family. I just felt like she would be so disappointed in us...sad.

[me b zola]

17. My mother had such fears of not being good enough

~almost two years later I sometimes still have to remind her that I don't judge her, for Christ's sake, she's my mom!

I have wanted to be with my mom since I was a little girl, as early as I can remember. As I grew up and made stupid mistakes and/or didn't live up to what I believed I should have, this made me not search for her because I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to not be ashamed of me, and although my heart was broke I wanted her to have a fairy tale image of me so she wouldn't feel bad.

Well, something about turning fifty (and a hell of a good man by my side) and growing a bit of wisdom made me no longer give a crap, I needed to know. I wish I hadn't waited so long. Fortunately she is still alive, but damn, the years we could have had if I had not been so frightened of disappointing her. We have a wonderful relationship and for the first time I know that I belong.

There is a lot of pain and sadness on both sides of my family. This does not make me not proud of any of them. Please don't assume that problems in your family will matter to your sister. They don't for me and my family. I beg you to reach out to your sister and just let it all out. The truth is what matters, not how pretty or neat the story is.

[likesmountains 52]

32. Thanks for that. It's been 20 years. I could try the address.

I just always thought that we sounded like a big, fun family to her..but really some of us were pretty mean!

[pnwmom]

20. It actually might have helped your sister to know that any fantasy she had

of being deprived of a better birth family was just a fantasy.

[me b zola]

21. It is never about better

...it is always about the truth. We want~need~to know the truth. We need to know who we are.

[pnwmom]

22. Even if there are serious problems in the adoptive family?

You don't think an adoptee might wonder whether her birth family might have been better?

[me b zola]

26. I should not have used the word "never"

definitive words like that especially when describing a population with such differing experiences, thoughts and feelings is not a good idea.

One of my fb friends was adopted by a NYC socialite couple, and she was horribly abused. I can not speak for her, but as much as her mother (like many adoptees, when she located her mother all she got was a grave) was absolutely a better world than what she grew up in. But for her, the knowing helps so much. She has a relationship with her brother and it is through him that she has gotten to know how wonderful her mother was while she was alive.

Not being able to fully know how the adoptee in an abusive home feels, I would still tend to believe that its still the knowing that is the most important. But again, I cannot speak for that adoptee.

[pnwmom]

27. I'm glad your friend was able to connect with her brother.

I have an adopted acquaintance who was disappointed that her mother, subsequently married, refused to have anything to do with her after an initial meeting. But the worst part was that the mother was telling her not to contact any of her siblings -- she didn't want them to know about her. I don't think that's right by the time everyone is an adult. I hope the adoptee just went ahead and did it anyway . . .

[StevieM]

24. I bet that she would have been happy just to know you. Maybe it is still possible.

Maybe you can still contact her, tell her why you didn't reply, and ask if she would like to get to know each other. I am sure that she has no idea why it is that you didn't answer her--she probably thinks that you weren't at all interested in her.

Why not just send her a letter and see what happens?

[riderinthestorm]

23. AM Kick! nt

[StevieM]

29. It is terrible that we treat adoptees like second class citizens

It is ironic that we have heard so much nonsense about Barack Obama having a forgery for a birth certificate. If he was adopted then that would truly be the case--and he would not be allowed to produce an original long-form birth certificate.

Birth mother privacy is a pernicious lie. Did you see any of the Albany hearings on Youtube? That judge from Long Island kept repeating that myth over and over again. He even said that there was the possibility of the adoptee blackmailing the poor birth mother. I was ready to jump through my computer screen and smack him.

How is your reunion going? How is the bonding going with your mom?

[me b zola]

31. I am heartbroken at what happened in New York

~for those not in the loop, after years of fighting for legislation that would give adoptees access to their birth records in New York, at the last minute the adoption industry had the bill amended with a poison pill. So the tireless advocates had to turn on a dime to then kill the bill that they had fought so long and hard for.

Yes, these myths persist no matter how reality shows them to be lies. This is why I am loud and proud. This is why I must continue to speak up and out. It will not get better until we get loud.

Reunion is great. I never had fairy tale images about reunion, so I think everything is better than I expected. Mom and I are close. In some ways its like we never missed a beat, but now and then reality knocks and I end up talking about my childhood as if my mother is a stranger. Its incredible how much like my family that I am. I never fit in anywhere until I found my family. Hubby bought a house close to my mom for me, we are looking to get there this month. My fav sister and sister-in-law are already planning on many a girls night out.

At fifty-one years old, its like I am just starting out in life. I am excited and upbeat. Life is new again.

[redqueen]

30. K&R nt