Read this if you love someone that is struggling with depression

[oxymoron]

10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression

Do You Love Someone With Depression?

If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.

Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.

1. Help them keep clutter at bay.

When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)

2. Fix them a healthy meal.

Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing her to go deeper into her depression. Help your loved one keep her body healthy, and her mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.

More: http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

I too have battled this since I was a kid, and have been dealing with a particularly tough episode the past few months. Excellent advice!

[polly7]

1. This is such a good article.

I'm going to share it, thank you ....

[oxymoron]

2. Yes, I thought the article was spot on.

Thanks for sharing it with others.

[Stargazer09]

3. I love this!

And the advice is actually useful, unlike some sites which give vague suggestions that aren't easy to implement.

[tavalon]

4. This is so great

I am a lifer on an antidepressant and am so grateful that it continues to work after all these years, while leaving me with a full range of emotions, something many do not. I'm watching my closest friend go through a seasonal depression.

Unfortunately, she is bipolar so when I reminded her that the sun is coming back more every day, she countered with, "great, then I can be the other side of insane". Being that she is correct about that assessment and has few medication options, I just hugged her. I couldn't counter her truth, though I wish it were more optimistic. And it will be just before she crosses from one side to the other.

She's attempted suicide many times and I wasn't the best ally during those times, but now, seeing it up close and personal, I hope that if she attempts again, I do better with her.

[Control-Z]

28. Can I ask what medication

you take? (If you're comfortable saying.) I've yet to find one that works.

[tavalon]

30. I have no problem saying but it's very important that you understand that

SSRIs are not one size fits all. It was many years ago, but I went through about 6 before I found celexa that worked pretty well. Then Lexapro came out and while my psychiatrist was all hot to try it, I thought it was just creating a tiny change to avoid the generic pricing as celexa was coming out in generic. I liked my doc a lot so I said what the heck. And I found my personal miracle cure. Plenty of people, especially those with bipolar I will tell you that Lexapro is a demon drug.

I'm so sorry you are going through that awful stage of finding the right one for you. It was sheer hell, as I recall. I remember flushing one set (can't remember the name) because I couldn't stand not feeling anything. It was a very small step up from the hell of depression.

And let's not forget (irony to the max) that there are many things we can do non-pharmacologically, for instance, exercise, eat plenty of vegetables and get your vitamins. Drink 2 quarts of water a day, but more than anything, exercise. Umm, hmm, yeah. It's true, but it's also a little ironic for anyone in depression. Unless getting out of bed and putting on clothes qualifies as exercise, it ain't gonna happen.

Nonetheless, I have a story. I have a story for everything. That's why I can't remember things, cluttered brain. Anyway, earlier last year, April to be exact, I was still reeling from my 12 year marriage ending and I fell and shattered my shoulder. I was in grief and having to stay really still for two weeks put me back into a nice depression. Then, it was time for physical therapy. I knew I needed it and I decided to go with a company that was a little over a mile from me. 3 times a week, I walked there and back and they killed me in the gym. The whole time my physical therapist was getting my whole sordid sad tale of woe. 6 weeks later, I was completely out of depression and no, I didn't up my meds. It was the getting physical and getting heard that did it.

Again, I so feel for you. I hope, hope, hope the right med comes along and then you find the moxy to do the other things. If you are doing those other things now, then you are a better person than me. When I'm depressed, lifting my head to check the clock is about all the exercise I get.

[Warpy]

5. I'm grateful to be a garden variety depressive in a family of bipolars

and this is a good list except for challenging the stinking thinking depressives get into. It doesn't work and tends to tell the depressed person that s/he is too dumb or whacked out to know what s/he is talking about.

It's especially important to do creature comfort things that they don't have the energy to do for themselves like pushing them into a shower and putting things away so the furniture isn't festooned with laundry which might be clean or dirty and which one doesn't make a difference to a depressed person.

I liken depression to near paralysis. Everything feels like you're trying to swim through a vat of Jello, taking much more time and effort than one has to expend.

And if you're the type of person who tells people to snap out of it, do them a favor and stay away from them. If they could, they would. Depression hurts.

[pipi_k]

8. This...

I liken depression to near paralysis. Everything feels like you're trying to swim through a vat of Jello, taking much more time and effort than one has to expend.

Absolutely true!

At times it felt like even breathing was too much trouble.

When waking up in the morning was like being in hell.

[jeff47]

11. It depends how you challenge it.

A direct challenge isn't going to work. "No, that's wrong" is a bad idea.

A more subtle challenge can be effective. If the depressed person frequently talks about how bad something is, pointing out the good parts can help break that. Just don't do it right after the depressed person ranted - bring it up another time.

A trivial example to illustrate the point:
Depressed person: "TV sucks! It's all terrible."
Some time later, non-depressed person: "Let's watch Game of Thrones. It's great TV". Add in a few more shows. Talk about the good parts, and other alternative routes to better entertainment, such as Internet channels.

The goal being to create a small chink in the depressed thoughts, not to blast them directly. (And yes, that's a stupidly trivial example, but everything else I can think of is far more situational or extremely complex to describe in a post.)

[tavalon]

32. Amen to that

My friend is way too smart for smarmy, it's not that bad pep talks and guess what? In her case, with psoriatic arthritis and bipolar that is easily triggered, it really is that bad. I work really hard to spin things and then I give her that silly grin that says, I know I'm bullshitting you but it's all I've got. And she takes that. She won't take me telling her how to think, though, and I think it would increase her feelings of helplessness.

[tavalon]

34. Yeah, that's why I hope I'm good for my friend

I have street cred, but I would never tell her that her reality isn't her reality. My stock phrase for her is "I hate depression and I hate seeing what it's putting you through. If it was an actual entity, I would take it to the shooting range." She usually smiles wanly at that. And I give her hugs and tell her I'm here. It's all I've really got.

[handmade34]

6. a big K&R...

[Catherina]

7. Bookmarking this. Thank you n/t

[lovemydog]

9. Hey, thanks for sharing this

Great for helping someone else, and also occasionally for helping myself when I feel a bit overwhelmed. Peace.

[blue sky at night]

10. Better Yet: inspire them to do research into what they eat and how it affects the brain....

The best thing for anyone with depression is to get on a low carb diet and ELIMINATE WHEAT. Anyone who looses their wheat belly will feel a lot better about themselves and their brains will benefit from breaking the addiction to wheat. If you doubt for one minute that you are not affected by this "grain" just try eliminating it from your diet for a month, those first few days will be an eye-opener for you.

here is a link: http://www.wheatbellyblog.com/?s=dEPRESSION&searchsubmit.x=0&searchsubmit.y=0

[jeff47]

12. Better yet: Don't pretend you have any idea what's going on in their head.

Yes, the low concentration of a particular neurotransmitter in my brain is entirely caused by "Wheat Belly".

Demanding a depressed person follow a rigid diet is about the worst possible thing to do. It's up with telling them, "Jeez, just stop being sad!".

Rigid diets and depression do not work. The depressed person will comfort-eat, and thus they will ALWAYS cheat on the diet. And then they will feel worse for failing to stay on the diet. Leading to more depression and comfort-eating and feelings of failure.

Your plan, no matter how much you like being 'wheat-free', is utterly terrible advice.

[oxymoron]

13. Thank you. nt

[deaniac21]

20. No Kiddin'

[tavalon]

33. Unless, separate from the depression, one has Celiac Sprue as I do

In my house, we call all things gluten, "rat poison" and no matter how much I want a food, if it has rat poison in it, I know I will be in pain. Depression and pain, there's a fine combo, but yeah, the "do this, do that" is so sadly amusing to those of us lifers. These days, I just thank the person for their advice and then point out someone else who might also benefit from the advice, this distracting the advice giver so I can get away smoothly. If not, snarko-Terri comes out and she is one mean mofo.

[blue sky at night]

39. Sorry if I ruffled your feathers...

I am not "pretending" to know anything...I found out for myself that eliminating wheat works and I did it TWO years before I read "Wheat Belly" and I am certainly not Demanding anything. I am suggesting anyone with a health issue take responsibility for their own problem and read a book. I assume since you use such large words that you are well read...funny you haven't come across anything yet about the link between gluten and a long list of health problems. Gosh, I was able to watch two programs on Saturday on my local PBS Station about the Brain and guess what, both doctors spoke about the growing tide of evidence about gluten. Since you went so negative on me I would challenge you to try going wheat free for a day...you may be surprised how much you crave it. Your third paragraph is very telling, what you describe is a person who is addicted to the wrong kind of food. Funny you used the word Rigid, I think that is very telling..

[eggplant]

40. Telling someone with clinical depression to read a book is like...

...well, it's like telling them that depression is a choice. It is a medical condition. It requires actual treatment. Thus the word "clinical".

I'm glad that you found benefit from changing your diet. Your solution isn't my solution. My solution is SSRIs and therapy. And it takes a long time (if not forever).

[CoffeeCat]

44. I appreciate your posts...

Just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and I appreciate it. It gives me hope.

I am thoroughly depressed, due to a prolonged stressful event. My depression is situational, but I'm sure the chemical
markers are similar to someone whose depression began as a chemical imbalance. My body and mind are in first gear because I am so overwhelmed.

I have found that my depression and moods are so much better when I am eating healthier and exercising. And as you said--when I cut down on the wheat, my mood improves as well. I even asked my doctor about it. He said that some people have strong reactions to foods (especially gluten) and to go with my gut (no pun intended). Cut something out if I can, if it makes me feel better.

I do notice a big, big difference in my moods, outlook and activity level if I am eating healthy and avoiding gluten. The problem is, when I am depressed--all I want is sugar and carbs. Therein lies the challenge.

Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your post and that your analysis is spot on for me.

[jeff47]

45. Actually, you are demanding

If you'd prefer evangelizing on behalf of The Church of Demon Wheat, that would apply too.

I am suggesting anyone with a health issue take responsibility for their own problem and read a book.

No, you're not. Because reading a book would do jack shit about implementing your plan.

You're arguing that a depressed person should follow a strict diet. You are pointing to a book that describes this. Reading that book will not do anything, the depressed person would actually have to stick to that diet.

And as I pointed out, a person with real depression is going to have an extremely difficult time staying with a strict diet, and that failure will make their depression worse.

We're not talking about people who "feel down" or are "overwhelmed". We're talking about people who literally think "I should kill myself. Eh, why bother". As in, suicide is just too much effort.

I assume since you use such large words that you are well read...funny you haven't come across anything yet about the link between gluten and a long list of health problems.

I've come across plenty of claims from The Church of Demon Wheat. Plenty of people selling books, diets and TV shows.

The problem is those claims don't have any actual science to back them up. They lack basic tests like double-blind studies. They're large piles of anecdotes with no effort to control psychosomatic effects. Or really any controls at all. They compare a completely different diet to a standard US diet, and claim it's the wheat that's the difference. That's terrible science. They should be running the same completely different diet, but with one group eating bread.

Some enterprising folks with "Doctor" in front of their name will happily sell it though. Remember the liquid diet? Lots of people insisted it solved all sorts of problems. Plenty of people with "Doctor" in front of their name made a lot of money selling it. Isn't it odd how we're not all drinking our meals?

(There are a small number of people who are actually allergic to gluten. But there's about 1000x more people claiming they are allergic, and it "just doesn't show up on the test". Or that they didn't bother getting tested.)

and guess what, both doctors spoke about the growing tide of evidence about gluten

And both doctors very carefully failed to discuss why this problem arose now, and not the tens of thousands of years we've been eating gluten.

The evangelists such as yourself will make up something like "there's more gluten". But bread flour has had the same gliadin and glutenin content for hundreds of years. Or the claim will be the gluten is somehow different, despite being formed from the exact same gliadin and glutenin molecules for thousands of years.

Both doctors were also very careful to not discuss why the third world is not experiencing these problems, despite eating the wheat we ship them. Because the third world can't afford to buy their books and diet programs.

Feel better on your current diet? Well, the good news is it's not all in your head. If you change from a typical, highly-processed US diet to one featuring many more fresh fruits, lots of vegetables, and higher-quality meats you will feel better. And much more importantly, getting exercise. Because it's better for you. But that diet doesn't sell very well - it's more complicated than labeling one thing a demon.

That's what happened to the "low-fat" diet. It was a high veggie, high fruit, low-processed diet that happened to be lower in fat, coupled with more exercise. It worked because of the entirety of the diet, but it was oversimplified to "low-fat" as if that was the only thing. And we ended up with low-fat Pop Tarts.

Enter the new "low-carb" diet. It is a high veggie, (not quite as) high fruit, low-processed diet that happened to be lower in carbs, coupled with more exercise. It works because ot the entirety of the diet, but is oversimplified to "low-carb" as if that was the only thing. We already have low-carb Pop Tarts.

Guess what the "low-wheat" diet is. Guess why it works. Guess how important wheat content actually is. And guess what kind of Pop Tarts the Kellogg corporation is adding to the line-up.

Your third paragraph is very telling, what you describe is a person who is addicted to the wrong kind of food.

Wow you are utterly and completely clueless about what real depression is. How 'bout you go back to telling alcoholics to just not drink so much.

[blue sky at night]

46. its been real but I am done with you...

you are flat out wrong about gluten, have a great life.

[kairos12]

14. Thanks for posting.

[drynberg]

15. Good Article, but...

I tried to download the 10 suggestions and got a warning that it was DANGEROUS to my computer, so beware. By the way, I copied and pasted the ten right word program, then printed them. Without downloads.

[sibelian]

16. All excellent stuff.

I have only one thing to add which is probably not always achievable anyway, but, as a long term sufferer of chronic depression (including suicide attempts) I've found meditation and yoga to be incredibly helpful. If the body feels good it's that much harder for the mind to feel bad.

Exercise is also incredibly good.

Also, there's a vital thing to remember - depressed people do not have a straightforward relationship with the idea of challenges. They don't need to get over themselves by defeating some inner sense of worthlessness, that doesn't work at all.

Meeting a challenge (ANY challenge, even very simple things like getting up in the morning!) and overcoming it makes ordinary people feel good. Sufferers of depression don't necessarily feel any better about themselves about achievements or accomplishments that would make ordinary people feel good because they CAN'T FEEL HAPPY. The happiness machine inside their heads is broke. It won't get fixed by telling them they need to stop having bad thoughts about themselves that don't make any sense. That just makes them feel worse by reminding them that their head's broke.

Depression isn't about fixing someone's personality. It's not a software problem, it's a hardware problem. There's no point reinstalling Windows on a machine that's just had five quarts of half-burnt treacle poured into it.

Depressed people don't need challenges to prove to themselves and the world that they're worth something, they need to FEEL GOOD. The sense of self-worthlessness is a symptom, not the disease.

[laundry_queen]

24. I think you touched on something very important

I was watching a program last night with Clara Hughes - a Canadian Olympic multiple medalist. She's the only person in history to win multiple medals in both the Summer and Winter games. She has depression and is currently starting a bike tour of Canada to raise awareness for depression. She mentioned experiences what you said....after she won her first 2 medals, everyone thought she would magically feel good about herself and feel happy...she thought accomplishing something like that would help. It didn't. She talked about how winning the medals made her feel worse...She also mentions how lucky she is that being a world-class athlete, she had all kinds of support and that she's not coming out to tell her story to urge people to 'get support' because some people just don't have access and telling them to get help is counter productive ...and that's why she's riding is to make access to help easier and to erase the stigma.

So, I really liked hearing what she had to say. She didn't say things like, "I got through it and you can too!" because that doesn't work and makes people feel worse. She was good at articulating exactly what it's like living with feeling empty and sad every moment of every day. Also, here in Canada, our mental health care system is not the greatest - if you are really ill you can be admitted to a hospital, but generally, if you need a psychiatrist, you have a referral and sometimes you wait a bit of time. I've been through the system and I was lucky to not wait very long - 6 weeks I think it was to get an appointment with a psychiatrist - but I know it's very dependent on the area you live in (I was in a remote area, so not a lot of people for each psychiatrist) Clara Hughes said something about that...how people need to get help, not be put on waiting lists...and it's true. Also, we have a system where you can pay for a psychologist but it's ridiculously expensive if you don't have some kind of additional insurance. One of my daughters was in play therapy because of issues tied to her dad and I splitting up, and it cost $250/hr (we had some insurance coverage, and my ex was supposed to front the bill but then stopped paying and I got stiffed with the bill so we had to discontinue the therapy...luckily my daughter had done over a year of therapy at that point and was doing really good). I mean, the cost is simply out of reach for most people.

[DebJ]

38. hardware not software..........that's brilliant!

Thanks...mother of a son with bipolar.

[Yo_Mama]

17. It's so nice to see common sense, useful advice.

Thanks for posting this.

[okaawhatever]

18. Here is a cartoon/blog called Hyperbole and a half that does a good job of explaining depression

the author has been interviewed on NPR and has several "best of" type awards.





http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

[oxymoron]

21. Love this. Thanks! nt

[fizzgig]

22. i heart ally

[sibelian]

25. Yeah, I love that strip. I've shared it on my FB account and stuff!

xxx

[okaawhatever]

19. Thank you so much for this. nt

[fizzgig]

23. there are some good suggestions here

but it's not a one-size-fits-all approach.

my husband is in a particularly dark period and none of these things work. i know depression, i know mania, i know each situation is unique to each person.

he won't eat, he won't leave the house, he won't talk to me, he won't even touch me. all i can do at this point is give him his space and try not to be frustrated. he refuses treatment and it's putting a real strain on our marriage.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

26. When there is little that can be done there is often a lot of basics to do. Thanks for posting! nt

[Scuba]

27. Excellent list of easily doable things to help your loved ones.

Thanks oxymoron.

[Cha]

31. Great list of suggestions, oxymoron. Brain food!

[Phlem]

35. Thank You so much for this article.

I feel you and you've hit on some interesting topics for me.

Take care my friend.



-p

[russspeakeasy]

36. Thanks for posting this.

[DallasNE]

37. Getting The Behaviors Changed Is Key But How Does One Pull That Off?

And the behavior that is both the starting point and the biggest challenge is the extreme oppositional defiance. Can't make me do it trumps everything. Where do you find the chink in that armor? The carrot and stick approach is sure to backfire.

[grahamhgreen]

41. 5-htp

[Heidi]

42. Kick, kick, kick!

ETA: This OP is going to make me a better friend to a couple of friends who are very, very dear to me!

[thucythucy]

43. This is good advice even if you or your partner aren't depressed.

De-clutter, hugs, getting outdoors... in general are good things for everyone.

Thanks for posting.