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Wed Mar 14, 2012, 05:13 PM

Goldman Sachs Chairman Honors Smith, Introduces New Investment Vehicle

SATIRE

Responding to fallout from a New York Times op-ed piece in which outgoing director Greg Smith described the firm’s environment as “toxic and destructive,” Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein not only publicly praised Mr. Smith while thanking him for his contributions to the firm, but also credited him as the inspiration for Goldman’s newest, and according to Blankfein, “most innovative investment vehicle in many years.”

Disagreeing with Smith’s allegations that Goldman has developed a culture which puts profits ahead of clients’ interests, Blankfein told reporters, “I was of course shocked and saddened when I read Greg’s piece this morning. All I can say is — and his stellar performance might bear this out — I think the poor guy was probably just working too hard. We at Goldman could not agree more with his sentiments as to how we should operate, not only because it’s good business, but because it’s the right thing to do — for our clients as well as for our long-term bottom-line. Remember, we are the one Wall Street firm that takes pride in doing the Lord’s work.”

Mr. Blankfein also used this afternoon’s event at 666 Fifth Avenue to introduce his firm’s latest investment vehicle, claiming it was actually inspired by the outgoing director who this morning blamed the Chairman’s lack of leadership for what he described as a “decline in the firm’s moral fiber”.

“Greg wrote that he always took pride in advising his clients to do what he believed was right for them, even if it made less money for the firm. That is why he was so successful, and in his 12 years with us, became one of our top executive directors. And fortunately for us and our clients, Greg mentored many of our best people.

With that in mind, we have had our most successful analysts scour our ranks seeking out our best and brightest employees who share not only Greg Smith’s ability, but also his values. Our investors deserve only the best, most trustworthy advisors we can provide. And combining this principle with the long-held standard that diversity minimizes risk, we are pleased to announce the creation of a new AAA rated investment vehicle that allows our clients to capitalize on the combined ability of many advisors as opposed to one.

What we have done is taken all of our Greg Smith’s, broken them up into little pieces, and bundled those pieces into what we call ‘Winning Mixture Derivatives’. These WMDs will provide our investors with the security of knowing they own a piece of paper that will track the combined performance of hundreds of our best and brightest, as opposed to just one — eliminating the risk of an underperforming quarter or the uncertainty of having to move your portfolio because some disloyal, ungrateful bastard thinks he’s too good for the firm that made the top 1% of the top 1% who they are today.”


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Reply Goldman Sachs Chairman Honors Smith, Introduces New Investment Vehicle (Original post)
ThisThreadIsSatire Mar 2012 OP
GopperStopper2680 Mar 2012 #1
longship Mar 2012 #3
ThisThreadIsSatire Mar 2012 #4
banned from Kos Mar 2012 #2
GopperStopper2680 Mar 2012 #5

Response to ThisThreadIsSatire (Original post)

Wed Mar 14, 2012, 05:28 PM

1. Winning Mixture Derivatives..

 

Or WMDs. Could it be that Goldman's just discovered a newer and better form of economical Weapon of Mass Destruction?

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Response to GopperStopper2680 (Reply #1)

Wed Mar 14, 2012, 08:37 PM

3. Not that one. It's the Nigerian scheme

My dear friend,

I beg your indulgence. I have inherited 20 million dollars...


That's it.
(obligatory anti-lawsuit protection)

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Response to longship (Reply #3)

Wed Mar 14, 2012, 10:08 PM

4. We can turn your $20 million...

into really impressive paper...

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Response to ThisThreadIsSatire (Original post)

Wed Mar 14, 2012, 05:37 PM

2. Goldman has no consumer clients at all - the CFPB does not effect them.

 

Anyone doing business with Goldman does so with extreme caution.

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Response to banned from Kos (Reply #2)

Thu Mar 15, 2012, 03:59 PM

5. I personally would not do 'business' with them.

 

More than business it's like allowing yourself to be robbed. Shake their hands, better count your fingers.

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