The Way Back
I was sitting in my boss' office, looking at the man sitting next to me. He was in his 30's or 40's, short brown hair, neatly-trimmed beard. He was preparing to plead guilty to meeting who he believed to be a teenage girl in a chat room, but was actually state police. I remember his eyes, and how big they looked behind his glasses as I talked to him, telling him what to expect. What would happen when he pled guilty, what he might think to say to the judge, the prosepect of prison, having to register as a sex offender, and then, after everything was said and done, how to start again. How to find some sort of way back into society. I don't know exactly what to say for the last bit, because I hadn't really figured it out myself.
I don't really want to write everything that I'm about to write. I don't want to write it because there are people here whose opinions matter to me. I don't want to write it because it's intensely personal and painful, but my experiences over the past few years have led me to conclude that someone has to speak up, and my only reason for not doing so is fear. Whatever you may think of this post, or of me, please know that I mean no offense or disrespect and that, if you want to talk, I'll be happy to do so.
I am a criminal. My boss had asked me to speak to this individual because my story, in some respects, is his. I am a convicted felon, and a sex offender. I never met or tried to meet anyone, but had a big problem with pornograpy and basically downloaded anything I could -- nothing was really off-limits to me, not even child pornography. My girlfriend discovered it on my computer and went to the police, and so I was arrested and lost all the things you might imagine someone in that position losing: my job, my apartment, getting kicked out of school, friends, family, etc. The only thing I didn't lose, unlike the fellow I spoke of earlier, and other cases I've dealt with and read about, was my freedom. I never had to go to prison. I got to go to law school instead.
I don't mean to demean that harm that I caused by anything that I say here. I committed a crime, and I'm not here to say that possessing child pornography is victimless. I know there are victims because I've seen them. That I'm not directly harming them does not make them any less victims, and that I am at the least condoning their suffering or at the most complicit in it does not make them any less victims, either. And I'm not here to debate the harms that stem from sexual abuse, as I bear those scars from my own childhood -- not that it makes me somehow not responsible for my decisions, my choices, and my conduct.
You might be surprised to learn that I believe in punishment, and in the redemptive promise that it holds. I think punishment was the only way that I would get to make right the things that I did, or that anyone does. That's how, as a criminal, you pay the debt that you owe to society when you commit a crime. That by accepting, not merely enduring punishment, you make your amends. That by standing up straight when the judge handed her sentence down, that by not giving the prison guards trouble, that by doing whatever my probation officer wanted me to do, that by waiting patiently in line to pay court costs, I would be honoring that promise of punishment and redemption.
The reality, though, to me, seems quite a bit different than all that. A lot of the considerations that grant the criminal justice system legitimacy -- things like fairness, equity, proportionality and justice seem to have been supplanted by retributivism-run-amok. The idea used to be that you served whatever sentence was given to you, and that when that was through, you were encouraged to rejoin society.
That seems like a nice idea, but not the reality from where I stand. Don't get me wrong, I know it was because of me and me alone that put me in this position. But I accepted my punishment, and I held up my end of the bargain.
Maybe it is in society's judgment that people in my shoes and similar situation don't get that second chance that is afforded to so many other criminal defendants. Maybe you feel that way, too. Maybe, reading this, you can feel nothing but contempt for me. Maybe you think I should be in prison, or worse.
If you feel that way, please, sitting there in front of your computer, take a second and ask yourself why you feel that way. I don't mean to be flip or disrespectful, but it seems to me that so often what people take as a love for justice is really just hatred for another in disguise.
What I propose is not that I or anyone else shouldn't of been punished for their crimes. Punishment and redemption are inherent in one another. I don't actually propose anything at all, because I don't know what the right answers are. I just hope we can start being honest with ourselves about what we value, and what we want in our criminal justice system. If what we want is a system that just inflicts as much pain as possible, then who am I to argue? If we want something else, then I hope we can have a conversation about how, and why, we punish.
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It reminded me of days passed listening to a local public radio station's (KPFT's) show The Prison Show. While I haven't listened to it lately, what it does is give that necessary human side to both the prisoners and their families. It's a great overall education about that whole 'side' of society, as well as the problems of the current system and its impact on everyone.
And I agree about how it seems to be about infinite retribution now. It's no longer enough for some people that once convicted, a person "does the time." No, now they must not only do the time in prison, but an indefinite amount of time outside of prison under restrictions like loss of voting rights, registering as a sex-offender, and the stigma projected to potential employers after a background/criminal check.
I know you have this around your neck now, but I hope that you're able to make a life for yourself again without too much of the lingering stigma and labels thrust upon you. And welcome back to DU 
And thanks for the welcome back
