Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, No.7
Because it's Leap Day, which like the Presidential election only happens once every four years, and the thought of any one of these guys becoming President of the United States makes you want to leap out a window, another look into the world of conservative doublethink.
Previous editions are available at my DU2 journal page:
http://journals.democraticunderground.com/Fritz67
Thinks You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
First, just a restatement of one from a previous entry to remind you that, once again, It's Okay If You're A Republican:
* John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife because he's a degenerate scumbag. Newt Gingrich cheated on his cancer-stricken first wife because of his patriotism and love of America.
And second updates of ones that ran in the first list...
* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.
(That list just keeps getting longer all the time.)
* Political discourse has gone rotten in this country, and Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Michelle Malkin, Andrew Breitbart, Hermann Cain, Newt Gingrich, and Ann Coulter are totally correct to blame it all on those filthy stupid evil America-hating terrorist-loving rapist Muslin communist socialist Nazi liberals. Somebody really should beat them all with shovels or shoot them in the head.
And now for the new ones:
* All criticisms of Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Kieth Ellison are based on legitimate disagreement with their policies. All criticisms of Herman Cain and Clarence Thomas are based on racism; furthermore, this is the only form of racism still present in American life.
* "Sexual harrassment" is some made-up "crime" that happens when a studly Republican puts the moves on some frigid liberal lesbian, and she wants money.
* Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and the Walton heirs worked hard to earn their money and should have their taxes cut. School teachers and janitors are lazy and overpaid.
* Two gay men in a long-term relationship would debase marriage far more than Brttny Spears's quickie divorce or Kim Kardashian basically getting married as a publicity stunt (and then getting divorced 72 days later when there was a danger that the media might stop talking about her for a minute).
* The proper police response to peaceful protests is mace, teargas, beatings, and mass arrests. The proper police response to angry protesters brandishing assault weapons is to just stand aside and do nothing.
* It is grossly unfair for the opponent of a pro-Family Republican congressman to point out that the pro-Family Republican congressman is not paying his child support.
* Getting a blow job from an intern disqualifies a Democrat from being President. F***ing an intern on your desk means a Republican is qualified to be President.
* The man who shot at the White House because he thought that he was Jesus and President Obama is the Antichrist is clearly mentally ill. There's no way that guy who shot the White House is Jesus.
* You're a fit, able-bodied young Republican who supported Bush's wars by attending a good business school and becoming a hedge fund manager.
* If given a choice between defeating Obamacare, and killing mass murdering terrorist Osama Bin Laden, you'd rather defeat Obamacare.
* The greatest threats to Family Values are Democratic Presidents who've only been married once. The greatest defenders of Family Values are Republican Presidents, Congressmen, and talk radio hosts who've been married two or three or four times.
* The death of Kim Jong Il is a tribute to the great leadership of George W. Bush. You're not sure how yet, but it has to be. Somehow.
* Tax cuts that benefit the poor and middle class must be offset with spending cuts. Tax cuts that benefit the wealthy don't have to be offset with spending cuts.
* Bush making recess appointments (ie John Bolton) was necessary due to unwarranted Democratic obstructionism. Obama making recess appointments is due to flagrant disregard for Congress and the Constitution.
* $ 10,000 is "Not very much" money
Oops...waitaminute...that's not right...
* $360,000 is "Not very much" money
Er...wait...revise that figure...
* $480,000 is "Not very much" money
Ah. There we go.
* Asking your wife if it's okay that you're cheating on her is a mark of character.
* Cutting off funding to cancer screening is the "pro-life" thing to do.
* Anybody can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for medication. It's exactly the same thing as buying an iPad.
* The Komen Foundation was right to cut donations to Planned Parenthood, which is being subjected to a Congressional investigation, even though no criminal or civil guilt or liability has been found yet. The Komen Foundation is correct to continue donating to Penn State, which is under criminal investigation for its coach raping little boys, because Penn State has not yet been found guilty or liable for anything yet.
* A former Speaker of the House, Senator, or Governor is a "political outsider"
* The rich son of a former Governor, who has amassed a quarter of a billion dollars by buying up struggling companies and liquidating them, is a one of the commonfolk.
* The rich former Senator who amassed millions of dollars taking bribes...er, campaign contributions from drug companies is one of the common folk by virtue of wearing a sweater vest.
* Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on birth control and abortion is a "War on religion". Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on the death penalty, immigration, caring for the poor, and the Iraq War is not.
* Dogs enjoy being strapped to the roof of a car on long road trips.
* Embezzlement is a Good Christain Value
* Government bailouts of the auto industry is unconscionable socialism. Government bailout of Wall Street and the Olympics is necessary and proper.
* Tax increases on the rich are like rape. The government putting probes in women's vaginas without their consent is nothing like rape.
* It's President Obama's fault gas prices are near $4 a gallon. It wasn't President Bush's fault when gas prices neared $5 a gallon in 2008.
* Republicans voting in an open Democratic primary for the weakest potential opponent is no big deal. Democrats voting in an open Republican primary for the weakest potential opponent is "kidnapping the process" and "a dirty trick"
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