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Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:02 PM

Sensible Food Stamp Restrictions

The proposed regulations will be adopted on April 1, 2013, upon approval by Congress:

Foods Prohibited from Purchase with Food Stamps
To safeguard the health and well-being of food stamp recipients and to prevent harm to recipients and animal life, the following items have been designated as items that may not be purchased with food stamps:

1. Meat - Eating meat is harmful to living, sentient beings.
2. Fish - Fish may contain mercury contamination, so is unhealthful.
3. Poultry - Poultry is raised in inhumane facilities, and may not be eaten.
4. Dairy Products - Due to the inhumane treatment of dairy cattle and the slaughter of calves for veal, these are prohibited.
5. Products containing Gluten - These products may cause bloating or aggravate digestive issues for sensitive people.
6. Nuts - Since some people are allergic to nuts, even with minor exposure, nuts are forbidden.
7. Fruits & Vegetables - Toxic sprays are commonly used on these items, which may endanger those who eat them.
8. Beans - Due to the offensive gases released by those who eat these beans, they are offensive to others.
9. Corn & Grains - Since most grains are GMO products, they are prohibited.
10. Eggs - Eggs contain cholesterol and come from facilities that are harmful to chickens.
11. Products containing sugar or high-fructose corn syrup - These products promote obesity, and are forbidden.
12. Processed Foods - These foods are wasteful of resources and may be less nutritious than other foods.

Foods Allowed for Purchase with Food Stamps
The following foods are acceptable for purchase with food stamps:

1. Brown Rice - Organically grown only may be purchased.
2. Potatoes - All varieties of organically grown potatoes may be purchased.
3. Root Vegetables - All may be purchased, including turnips, rutabagas, beets, salsify, etc., if organically grown.
4. Satirical Brand Food Products - Highly recommended by the FDA for purchase with food stamps.

18 replies, 1361 views

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:08 PM

1. Potatoes are a member of the deadly nightshade family and the eyes are poisonous

Sorry, no potatoes, even mashed.

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Response to Fumesucker (Reply #1)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:09 PM

2. Well, geez...they've gotta eat something.

Have you no concern for food stamp recipients?

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #2)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:13 PM

6. It's precisely because I'm concerned for them that Food Stamp recipients my not have potatoes

Only smart and educated people know that potatoes are potentially poisonous and will take adequate safeguards, and those smart and educated people will have good paying jobs hence they won't be on food stamps.

Logic, ain't it wonderful?

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Response to Fumesucker (Reply #6)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:15 PM

8. The FDA has carefully considered your proposal to disallow potatoes,

but has decided against you. The FDA never makes mistakes. Please report for detention at your nearest FEMA camp.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:09 PM

3. I keep finding moths in my plastic bags of brown rice - cross that off the list

My wife thinks that their larvae were in the bags when we bought them.

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Response to JPZenger (Reply #3)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:11 PM

4. The FDA has approved the consumption

of nature's moths in bags of organically grown brown rice. The additional protein will provide healthful benefits and provide evidence that pesticides were not used in producing that organically grown brown rice.

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Response to JPZenger (Reply #3)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:54 PM

15. The eggs were in the rice

and hatched after the store got it. Best thing to do if you have to continue to buy rice from that source is freeze it when you get home. Rinse the rice in a pan of water, the larvae and moths will both float and you can pour them off.

However, it's unclear whether the FDA will approve of the additional source of protein miller moth larvae in your brown rice will supply. My guess is that you need to discard it before you are caught and sent to a FEMA camp because of it.

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Response to Warpy (Reply #15)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 03:02 PM

16. Sage advice you're giving there.

Better safe than sorry. The eggs are the problem. Eggs are not allowed for purchase with food stamps. (See list above)

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:12 PM

5. Let them eat cake!

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Response to former9thward (Reply #5)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:14 PM

7. Cake, as a processed food product made from grains,

and subject to contamination with nuts, is not allowed for purchase. Please read the list more carefully. If you attempt to purchase forbidden food products with food stamps, you may be subject to arrest by any local SWAT (Satirical Warfare Against Terror) team.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #7)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:21 PM

9. Carrot cake has root vegetables in it, would that be OK?

Waiting for the FDA black ops team to arrest me now.

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Response to Fumesucker (Reply #9)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:23 PM

10. Absolutely not! You are in violation!

Report immediately to your local Food Stamp Violation Enforcement Office for re-education and detention.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:29 PM

11. You forgot Brawndo the thirst mutilator

It has what plants crave. It has electrolytes.

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Response to Chisox08 (Reply #11)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:34 PM

13. As a product of Satirical Brand Foods, it is acceptable

for food stamp purchase. In fact, the head of the FDA, who is married to the second cousin of the founder of Brawndo, has made Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator a mandatory purchase for food stamp recipients, as of today.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:33 PM

12. A combination of the Bible and Demolition Man

It's like the Bible in all its contradictions...it says Thou Shalt Not Kill in Exodus and orders you to kill for a whole bunch of things in Leviticus 19. Here we learn poor people can't have grains but brown rice is a grain, and can't have vegetables but the ones you dig up are a-ok.

It's like Demolition Man because everything not good is bad, and illegal.

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Response to jmowreader (Reply #12)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 02:35 PM

14. Logic is not a Requirement for Employment at the FDA's

Food Stamp Division. Please see the attached employment application.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 05:51 PM

17. So, no beer or wine?

But vodka is okay?

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Mar 18, 2013, 06:17 PM

18. What?

No government cheese? What are you some kind of communist?

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