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Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:55 PM

I don't really know how to articulate this post...

...but I'll try my best. This has been weighing heavily on my heart for a long time, figure I might as well share now.

I had a psychological "breakdown" of sorts about five years ago, in the form of what then became a prolonged depression. I was mad at the world, but most of all-I was mad at myself. I felt like a failure, that my life was horrible, and that things would never get better. And worse, I had "secondary" emotions of guilt and shame about my depression-feeling about feeling bad, in essence.

Part of it, I think, came from my social anxiety-which, in turn, stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself as a person of value. I also felt resentment towards family members, friends, and other people who seemed to have an "easier" life in that regard, who didn't worry so much, who didn't feel like they were not really worth loving. That resentment, that feeling of injustice and unfairness,has really hurt my self-esteem even more. And so the cycle continued to devolve...

That being said, I do have hope. I am seeing a therapist who has really been helpful, in the sense that she's helped me understand where my negative thoughts and emotions are coming from and suggested some concrete, actionable steps for me to take (some of which I have taken). And I have definitely seen an improvement with my mood and my feelings toward myself. Additionally, I have a large and growing support system of friends and family who have all helped me through this, and for that, I am incredibly thankful.

For those of you who have ever felt lost, felt unloved, felt worthless, felt insignificant-know this. You are worthy of love, worthy of being valued, and you can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility. Every day that I wake up is a great day, a day worth living. No, life isn't easy, by any means. It can be extraordinary difficult. But it's worth living, and it's never too late to change your life-if you really want to.

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Arrow 52 replies Author Time Post
Reply I don't really know how to articulate this post... (Original post)
YoungDemCA Feb 2013 OP
NYC_SKP Feb 2013 #1
RKP5637 Feb 2013 #2
H2O Man Feb 2013 #3
JaneyVee Feb 2013 #4
randome Feb 2013 #5
Marie Marie Feb 2013 #6
Demo_Chris Feb 2013 #7
rainy Feb 2013 #8
patrice Feb 2013 #9
840high Feb 2013 #10
dkf Feb 2013 #11
roguevalley Feb 2013 #12
hay rick Feb 2013 #13
Auntie Bush Feb 2013 #14
nolabear Feb 2013 #15
Skittles Feb 2013 #16
Samantha Feb 2013 #17
mountain grammy Feb 2013 #18
defacto7 Feb 2013 #19
ProgressiveJarhead Feb 2013 #20
RainDog Feb 2013 #21
charin Feb 2013 #22
iamthebandfanman Feb 2013 #23
Phlem Feb 2013 #24
calimary Feb 2013 #25
tavalon Feb 2013 #26
myrna minx Feb 2013 #27
tomm2thumbs Feb 2013 #28
kairos12 Feb 2013 #29
Solly Mack Feb 2013 #30
KatyaR Feb 2013 #31
rivegauche Feb 2013 #32
OneGrassRoot Feb 2013 #33
Sissyk Feb 2013 #34
meeshrox Feb 2013 #35
sunwyn Feb 2013 #36
Myrina Feb 2013 #37
jeffrey_pdx Feb 2013 #38
noiretextatique Feb 2013 #39
rurallib Feb 2013 #45
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #40
JDPriestly Feb 2013 #41
judesedit Feb 2013 #42
WillyT Feb 2013 #43
trublu992 Feb 2013 #44
Blue_Tires Feb 2013 #46
Generic Brad Feb 2013 #47
idwiyo Feb 2013 #48
neffernin Feb 2013 #49
NBachers Feb 2013 #50
Permanut Feb 2013 #51
YoungDemCA Feb 2013 #52

Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:58 PM

1. Great post...

The very definition of Hope; the capacity to believe in the best outcomes.

Thank you for this post.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:00 PM

2. Thank you for posting this!!!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:04 PM

3. Recommended.

Very well said. And an important message. Thank you for writing this.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:08 PM

4. "U can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility"

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:10 PM

5. Sometimes keeping a journal will help you through the rough times.

Cool post.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:11 PM

6. So glad that you are feeling better YoungDem

Thank you for your insight.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:16 PM

7. I think YOU have already earned the right to like and love yourself.

 

And there might well be no one else who deserves it more.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:17 PM

8. Have I got a book for you!!!

"The Untethered Soul." It is a life changer. I strongly suggest you read it.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:23 PM

9. Well said!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:33 PM

10. Many hugs to you.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:35 PM

11. +1000

 

What an amazing and uplifting post. Thanks for sharing this.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:44 PM

12. keep going honey. it will get beyter. this helps me

"I looked to be happy and I was"

Hugs

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:46 PM

13. Keep on doing what you are doing.

Glad to hear that you are doing things to make your life better.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:47 PM

14. Bravo!

Great advice. Hope it helps someone!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:47 PM

15. Wonderful, wonderful post. There's no telling who you've helped.

You sound like an excellent person to have in the world. Glad you reached out here.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:48 PM

16. great of you to speak out, YoungDemCA

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:12 AM

17. Often overly intelligent people are overly sensitive

Perhaps that might be part of your problem. You sound extremely intelligent.

It took a lot of courage to post your inner-most feelings on a website this large. You are amazing.

Sam

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:16 AM

18. Thanks for sharing a story so personal and hopeful. Sometimes we forget how difficult

coming back is. Glad you're making it.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:24 AM

19. We just keep on, and keep on and keep on....

You are us and we are you. You're feeling the pulse of life... grasp it and soar.

".... up, up the long delirious burning blue, I've touched the wind swept heights where neither lark or even eagle flew..."

Keep soaring!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:40 AM

20. Well. For Not Knowing

how to articulate it, you did a great job. Sometimes all it takes is for one person to say that you are worthwhile. Never let your self-worth be decided by others. Keep pressing on.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:10 AM

21. Feeling Good, by Burns, is a useful book

He was one of the people who developed CBT techniques and he writes really good, common sense chapters about the way that depression, anxiety and all that can distort our thinking.

And then he offers good questions to ask yourself to help to rationally understand that your thoughts aren't a reflection of an objective environment.

Thanks for this post.

I'm glad to know you're doing better.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:44 AM

22. Support Group

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/

This has been helpful for my depression.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:48 AM

23. glad youre finding that seeing someone is helpful..

i never did...

i was diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder at 13 and bi polar at 17.
i take zero meds at this time and dispute the bi polar diagnoses.
i would be seeking medication for my anxiety, but my state requires monthly drug testing.. and since i use marijuana to self medicate, that rules that out.

i was constantly given self help books...
told i couldnt change society so i needed to change myself..
that i cared too much for others, and needed to be more selfish...
i was told this by multiple 'psychologists'...

i reject these notions...
especially coming from a field where most things are just theory.

like i say tho, im glad its working out for you...and i always encourage others to seek out help because it does infact seem to help some people...
as for me tho...
no amount of talking or medication
can bring me false faith..
can change the fact that i will die...
can change the fact that most people are selfish liars..
or change the fact that we live in the upside down world we live in today.

i just chalk it up to being born during the wrong time period of human evolution.. and carry on with my day to day activities best i can...
there are alot of distractions to be found if ya just look for them

i would say the anxiety is the hardest thing to deal with tho.. and it has definitely prevented me from accomplishing things and attempting things in my life. not because i was 'afraid', but because i literally have a physical reaction to pressure.
even doing something as simple as registering for college (signing up for classes) would make me break down into tears, panic, and trouble breathing.

i just found out last week that i have meniere's disease (well, all the symptoms besides hearing loss so far)... and i was told stress and anxiety are believed to aggravate it... so thats great
lol

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:50 AM

24. I hear you loud and clear!

And totally empathize with you. My PTSD doesn't help at all but everyday is a blessing. I know there are groups out there who have their own agendas, and I'v tried to express that in some of my post but people can still run rough shot all over you/me. There is a certain group on DU that's all about themselves and how could anyone possibly have it harder than us.

We share this planet and don't ever feel less than yourself. Your just as worthy of being here than the leeches that suck the life out of other people. I know that doesn't sound like much but you are standing at the top of the hill.

You have the wonderful gift of introspection which I would bet not a lot of people exercise. Within this you'll derive empathy for the souls incapable of this. Finally see the world for what it is, and hopefully do the right thing.

Stay fresh and strong cause the hypocrisy might drive you mad.

Let me know if you ever need to talk.

-p

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:50 AM

25. Wow - what a wonderful, uplifting, inspiring, and comforting story!

How cool and how brave of you to share thoughts and issues this intimate. And how generous!

There are so many deeply caring and compassionate people here on DU. Even the cantakerous ones and in-yer-facers have hearts of gold. I've found personally, and followed what other DUers have shared, that this is a truly great community. To that "large and growing support system of friends and family" you mention, you can add us here. I've seen it again and again - the people here will buoy you up when you need a shoulder or two to lean or even cry on. Chances are you'll get scores of them!

You're correct to have hope. You're correct that you count, that you matter. You're correct that you are well-worth loving. We're glad you're here and that you shared this healing and expansive and illuminating journey. Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 10:49 AM

26. You articulated magnificently!

I'm really glad you have a therapist and that you are working on you because, as you are learning, you are worth it!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 10:57 AM

27. We're glad you're here!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 11:44 AM

28. We are blessed by your post YoungDemCA


and it no doubt hit a chord with a lot of DU'ers. Big attaboy to you.

And thanks for writing and sharing it.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 11:45 AM

29. Stay connected, stay strong, you will blossom

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 11:46 AM

30. Great post.

Thank you for your words.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:28 PM

31. I struggle with this every day of my life.

In fact, I currently find myself in the midst of the third major episode of my adult life. While I know what I need to do to work my way out, I just am not ready to acknowledge that I need to do it.

I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired on living on the edge, I'm tired of no one understanding, I'm tired of BEING TIRED. I just don't see much of a way to ever change that. At 55, your life's pretty much set.

The worst part is knowing that I'm setting myself up for a big fall, and I'm not stopping myself. I know there are so many people so much worse off than me, but that just makes me feel ever worse about myself.

Hang in there, I'm trying to do the same.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:29 PM

32. I feel you, my friend.

I've recently started to emergefrom a very dark place too, of several years, and I know exactly what you're writing about. I'm so very happy that you are able to make progress because it's incredibly hard. Good for you! Hope you continue to feel better and better.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:36 PM

33. For you, YoungDemCA...for us all...

Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you're feeling better these days.






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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:38 PM

34. Keep speaking out, YoungDemCA!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:54 PM

35. Thank you so much for sharing!

For those of you who have ever felt lost, felt unloved, felt worthless, felt insignificant-know this. You are worthy of love, worthy of being valued, and you can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility. Every day that I wake up is a great day, a day worth living. No, life isn't easy, by any means. It can be extraordinary difficult. But it's worth living, and it's never too late to change your life-if you really want to.


I've delt with depression my entire life and have to remind myself of these things constantly. Sometimes even getting out of bed in the morning takes all the strength I can muster. Thank you for talking about it and know that you have my support if you ever need or want it!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:34 PM

36. Wonderful post and just what I needed after last week. Thank you.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:51 PM

37. I think you read my mind ... thank you.

I have been in the same situation, for several years, as you describe. Been through therapy, anti-depressants, navel gazing, job changes, new hobbies, new friends, you name it.

Nothing has helped.

I think some of us are not meant to have 'happy lives'. Some of us are here to bear witness to all of the deplorable shit humans are capable of, and the most sensitive among us often cannot bear it.

I see so much wrong, hate, evil, carelessness, abuse, and just plain meanness on a daily basis that my entire being hurts. I don't want to see any more. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I wish the lesson were over.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 02:38 PM

38. I never post

I struggle with anxiety and depression too. I really felt your message, its hard sometimes. I had a
"breakdown" 2 weeks ago....its awful. I almost lost my job. The worst thing is I didn't feel I could tell anyone why. It's shameful. Or at least thats how it feels. Drugs make me feel "numb", therapy was too expensive, so I deal with it. Remember the good days. I hope all is well.

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Response to jeffrey_pdx (Reply #38)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 03:20 PM

39. jeffrey

i struggle with depression also. when i lost my job on 2010, i dealt with it as best i could. but as my unemployment prolonged and my prospects seemed dimmer and dimmer, i feel into a major depression. i took some drugs and saw a therapist, but the weight of my life was overwhelming. i am working again. just moved again, and finally feeling like i'm on solid enough ground to focus on diet, exercise and other things that actually make me feel good. best wishes to you...it will get better.

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Response to jeffrey_pdx (Reply #38)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 07:38 PM

45. It does get better - hope you can find some help

tell you one thing about DU - we don't know each other, but there are 200,000 people cheering and hoping for you. We do care. Let us know how it goes.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 03:31 PM

40. Hope is our strength!

to you, YoungDem!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 05:12 PM

41. Thank you. Good to have you on DU.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 05:52 PM

42. Count your blessings. Have faith in God. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It works

Famous Quote on Quotations Book -" I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes
-- until I met a man who had no feet." - by Proverb, Jewish.
There's always someone worse off than you are. If you become interested in others and a greater cause, you will forget about yourself. You can do it. I did.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 06:17 PM

43. K & R !!! - Thank You For That !!!







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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 07:36 PM

44. OMG Thank You Thank You

I recently discovered an old boyfriend who is now a millionaire and I'm still struggling with a cognitive disability and trying to figure everything out. Thank you for these words its given me more help than you could ever know!

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 07:43 PM

46. kick for truth...

Been there in that bottomless pit a long, long time; and still relapse and fall back there occasionally if I'm not careful...

I definitely know of what you speak...

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 07:46 PM

47. Thank you for posting this

This is one of the most encouraging and hopeful things I have seen at DU for quite some time.

I am so glad you were able to work through those challenging feelings and are thriving. You are a beacon of hope to many here.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 07:53 PM

48. (((Hugs)))

I was there too and I know first hand what you are talking about. Hang on even if it seems like there is no way out.

If you haven't read Depressive Illness : The Curse of the Strong, try it. It helped me understand what was going on with me and why, better than anyone else could:

http://www.amazon.com/Depressive-Illness-Curse-Strong-Volume/dp/1847092357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361234853&sr=8-1&keywords=depressive+illness+the+curse+of+the+strong

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 10:30 PM

49. I came to the conclusion that the only thing that matters in life is happiness

Why choose to be sad at any given time? I grew up in a welfare household, lost both parents and had to help pay for their funerals but because of the Pell Grant and hard work I now work middle income, am married and I have a BS degree and a future. Pick and choose goals in life and strive to achieve them, if things aren't making you happy change them. There are a 1000 things to be sad about, but what good with sadness accomplish?

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 11:38 PM

50. Sometimes it takes everything you've got to just put one foot in front of the other

Then put the next foot in front - and keep going that way.

I've seen days when I shuddered when I went out the door in the morning. It took more effort to get to that point than most people put out all day long. And I still had the whole, trying day ahead of me.

Just keep moving, in what ever way you can.

There is a life where things are better. That life exists. It's waiting for you. You will get to it.

And you will look back, and see what you've been through. And, somehow, the present won't be quite as bad as it used to be.

Moving through air won't be like struggling your way through jello. You won't be dragging a chain of your own corpses behind you anymore.

And you will keep moving . . .

And you will keep reading and posting on Democratic Underground.

This is your home

We are your family

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 11:43 PM

51. Disagree..

I think you DO know exactly how to articulate this post. Well done.

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Response to YoungDemCA (Original post)

Wed Feb 20, 2013, 10:11 PM

52. Thank you all for your responses to my OP!

And thank you to whoever gave me the valentine hearts.

You guys and gals are awesome!

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