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Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:24 PM

Has this ever happened to you? No? Then I am glad.

Violence against Women most often Starts at Home.

As a young child, did you ever sit down to dinner, while your mom and dad were in the middle of a very loud argument. Did you ever sit there and watch your dad backhand your mom so hard that blood spattered across the table. Did you ever stand around the bathroom, with your mom sitting on the toilet seat, and hand her tissues to stop the blood flow. Did you stand there and cry. No? Then I am glad. My sister and brother and I, it happened to us.

That is the only time that I saw my dad hit my mom. However the fights and verbal abuse were the same as a physical blow. It can crush you. They stayed together for 25 years...for the children. I wish they had not.

The ironic part in all this, I had a similar marriage. Most of it was verbal abuse. He made me feel worthless, that I was nothing. I knew that I was not. It was short lived. I left, with scars on my soul from my marriage and my upbringing.

I have never talked about this, not to anyone, ever. I hinted about it. That was it. So you might ask yourself, why now. I started to post something a few times.I wanted to make a point. It was hard.

However after posting thread after thread on VAWA, and watching other similar posts sink and die with so little notice. I felt like someone, that had the air sucked out their body. I wept each time they died unnoticed.

I have said before, that there is not one single person here on DU that does not have at least one Woman in their life. Someone that they care about, someone they want to protect. We can only protect them if we stand for all Women.

Please sign the Violence Against Women Petition:


http://www.beaubiden.com/landing/w1302vw/

Originally posted by gateley here:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=2366783


184 replies, 15592 views

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Arrow 184 replies Author Time Post
Reply Has this ever happened to you? No? Then I am glad. (Original post)
sheshe2 Feb 2013 OP
MotherPetrie Feb 2013 #1
Laura PourMeADrink Feb 2013 #2
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #4
Euphoria Feb 2013 #29
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #92
Deep13 Feb 2013 #3
Laura PourMeADrink Feb 2013 #5
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #8
Deep13 Feb 2013 #13
Laura PourMeADrink Feb 2013 #15
Deep13 Feb 2013 #87
GentryDixon Feb 2013 #120
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #28
Deep13 Feb 2013 #89
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #165
Deep13 Feb 2013 #169
tblue37 Feb 2013 #115
smirkymonkey Feb 2013 #57
annabanana Feb 2013 #6
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #9
DollarBillHines Feb 2013 #7
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #31
rurallib Feb 2013 #10
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #12
rurallib Feb 2013 #19
freshwest Feb 2013 #11
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #22
gateley Feb 2013 #80
Bonobo Feb 2013 #14
littlemissmartypants Feb 2013 #27
Bonobo Feb 2013 #34
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #42
Bonobo Feb 2013 #44
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #50
SunSeeker Feb 2013 #97
raccoon Feb 2013 #99
DURHAM D Feb 2013 #108
SunSeeker Feb 2013 #112
Helen Reddy Feb 2013 #124
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #138
SunSeeker Feb 2013 #168
Gormy Cuss Feb 2013 #143
riderinthestorm Feb 2013 #16
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #43
patrice Feb 2013 #17
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #49
tpsbmam Feb 2013 #18
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #55
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #20
Bonobo Feb 2013 #23
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #25
Bonobo Feb 2013 #35
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #37
Bonobo Feb 2013 #40
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #47
CitizenPatriot Feb 2013 #125
raccoon Feb 2013 #100
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #58
Disconnect Feb 2013 #21
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #32
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #61
OldHippieChick Feb 2013 #45
sufrommich Feb 2013 #107
OldDem2012 Feb 2013 #54
Zoeisright Feb 2013 #71
Disconnect Feb 2013 #153
DURHAM D Feb 2013 #72
Disconnect Feb 2013 #136
CitizenPatriot Feb 2013 #130
Disconnect Feb 2013 #135
CitizenPatriot Feb 2013 #160
wickerwoman Feb 2013 #164
Disconnect Feb 2013 #171
Marrah_G Feb 2013 #151
alarimer Feb 2013 #162
Demo_Chris Feb 2013 #24
Tumbulu Feb 2013 #59
Demo_Chris Feb 2013 #62
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #88
Demo_Chris Feb 2013 #93
raccoon Feb 2013 #101
Tumbulu Feb 2013 #163
redqueen Feb 2013 #139
Gormy Cuss Feb 2013 #144
calimary Feb 2013 #26
UtahLib Feb 2013 #30
kairos12 Feb 2013 #33
Puzzledtraveller Feb 2013 #36
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #85
nadinbrzezinski Feb 2013 #38
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #63
LineReply
Le Taz Hot Feb 2013 #39
ReRe Feb 2013 #41
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #69
Curmudgeoness Feb 2013 #46
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #70
Control-Z Feb 2013 #48
smirkymonkey Feb 2013 #60
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #73
JNelson6563 Feb 2013 #98
Helen Reddy Feb 2013 #126
pnwmom Feb 2013 #51
iemitsu Feb 2013 #52
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #77
iemitsu Feb 2013 #91
fadedrose Feb 2013 #53
Ilsa Feb 2013 #56
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #142
gateley Feb 2013 #64
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #79
gateley Feb 2013 #82
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #86
Gemini Cat Feb 2013 #65
PatSeg Feb 2013 #66
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #173
TexasBushwhacker Feb 2013 #67
Flatulo Feb 2013 #68
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #75
Flatulo Feb 2013 #78
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #81
ohheckyeah Feb 2013 #74
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #83
ohheckyeah Feb 2013 #84
bama_blue_dot Feb 2013 #76
usrbs Feb 2013 #102
bama_blue_dot Feb 2013 #103
usrbs Feb 2013 #104
wickerwoman Feb 2013 #166
Fire Walk With Me Feb 2013 #90
snot Feb 2013 #94
pacalo Feb 2013 #95
SunSeeker Feb 2013 #96
Laura PourMeADrink Feb 2013 #105
derby378 Feb 2013 #106
WinstonSmith4740 Feb 2013 #109
OldDem2012 Feb 2013 #110
AnotherMother4Peace Feb 2013 #117
OldDem2012 Feb 2013 #118
AnotherMother4Peace Feb 2013 #119
AnotherMother4Peace Feb 2013 #111
lunatica Feb 2013 #113
rhett o rick Feb 2013 #114
redwitch Feb 2013 #116
Cleita Feb 2013 #121
LWolf Feb 2013 #122
RebelOne Feb 2013 #123
Cleita Feb 2013 #127
kdmorris Feb 2013 #128
Sekhmets Daughter Feb 2013 #129
malokvale77 Feb 2013 #131
Cha Feb 2013 #132
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #147
Number23 Feb 2013 #133
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #148
freshwest Feb 2013 #134
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #149
Dark n Stormy Knight Feb 2013 #137
Disconnect Feb 2013 #140
WinkyDink Feb 2013 #141
Helen Reddy Feb 2013 #145
Iggo Feb 2013 #146
flying_wahini Feb 2013 #150
Scootaloo Feb 2013 #152
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #154
LadyHawkAZ Feb 2013 #155
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #156
LadyHawkAZ Feb 2013 #157
davidthegnome Feb 2013 #158
rickyhall Feb 2013 #159
sheshe2 Feb 2013 #161
sigmasix Feb 2013 #167
Quantess Feb 2013 #170
Disconnect Feb 2013 #172
In_The_Wind Mar 2013 #174
Sekhmets Daughter Mar 2013 #175
In_The_Wind Mar 2013 #176
Sekhmets Daughter Mar 2013 #177
In_The_Wind Mar 2013 #178
Sekhmets Daughter Mar 2013 #179
sheshe2 Mar 2013 #181
Sekhmets Daughter Mar 2013 #182
sheshe2 Mar 2013 #183
Sekhmets Daughter Mar 2013 #184
2naSalit Mar 2013 #180

Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:27 PM

1. K&R I hope things are better for you now.

 

I'm very grateful I never experienced anything like that.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:29 PM

2. I am so sorry. I support this cause 100%. I am lucky

to have never had to suffer as you and countless others have.

Signed petition !!

People do care...we all do.

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Response to Laura PourMeADrink (Reply #2)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:31 PM

4. Thank you Laura.

Thank you so much!

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Response to Laura PourMeADrink (Reply #2)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:35 PM

29. 100%

We are lucky to have you here at DU to give voice to this cause. Thank you.

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Response to Laura PourMeADrink (Reply #2)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:27 AM

92. We can Stop this. We can!


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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:30 PM

3. Real men are not cruel to women.

Just saying.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #3)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:43 PM

5. I am sure that really made SheShe feel better

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Response to Laura PourMeADrink (Reply #5)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:50 PM

8. Thanks Laura.

That felt like a sucker punch...I was staying away from the thread after I read that!

I wasn't in the least trying to belittle men, as you know. It was why everytime I posted someting in VAWA...I always stated that everyone here has at least one woman in their lives.

Again thanks.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #8)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:02 PM

13. ????????? nt

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #13)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:05 PM

15. I know you didn't mean anything

by your comment....just came across wrong. Everyone does that once in awhile.

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Response to Laura PourMeADrink (Reply #15)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:57 AM

87. I was saddened somewhat and violence against women makes me angry...

...and a bit ashamed to be a man.

Thats all I meant.

I don't know how else it could be taken.

Obviously, I agree with the Violence Against Women Act.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #87)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:23 PM

120. I got what you were saying.

It seems all is well now. Nobody with a soul would condone violence against another.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #13)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:35 PM

28. Deep13...

Sorry...I was really not sure what you meant.

You see, I still love my dad. He was a damaged man, I do not think a bad man. I have some beautiful memories of my childhood. However the agony of the fights and oh so many other ugly scenarios that went on over the years were heartbreaking.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #28)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:06 AM

89. Sorry.

I used to feel that way about the abusive people in my life. Now I make no excuses for them. Perhaps you deal with it better than I do, but I've stopped trying to polish the turd of my own childhood. I spent the few good times in constant anxiety over the next eruption. I know full well my mother, my one time step-father, and most of her relatives are cruel, selfish people.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #89)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:18 AM

165. Deep13, I am so very sorry for what you suffered.

Please accept a from me.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #165)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 01:12 PM

169. Thanks.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #13)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:55 AM

115. Deep 13, although YOU did not intend

your comment that way, the unfortunate reality is that every time a woman posts a comment or thread about rape or about violence against women, the usual suspects show up to accuse the poster of "male bashing," of painting all men as rapists or abusers.

As a result, a post like yours can easily be misconstrued as more of the same, as you saw in the responses to your comment.

Sad experience has caused a lot of us to have sensitive--perhaps overly sensitive, even hair-trigger--radar for such contemptuous dismissals of real abuses against women.

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Response to Deep13 (Reply #3)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:28 PM

57. +10.000

That is true. Only cowards go after women and children. How can anyone call himself a man after beating up a woman.

I am so sorry for the OP's experience.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:44 PM

6. rec'd, kicked, signed, tweeted, facebooked..

and a heart for you.

No one should suffer this.

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Response to annabanana (Reply #6)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:52 PM

9. Thank you anna.

For signing and caring...and for the heart!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:45 PM

7. Oh, sheshe2...

I live with a wonderful woman who went thru very much the same...

She is 59 years old and has climbed many a mountain, figuratively speaking. She has lived her professional life in a a Man's World and has bested many of them. I wish I could go into detail, but the vultures and piranhas who inhabit this site would have a field day with that info.

But, today, her asshole overbearing father (long dead, thankfully) still inhibits her every move.

I would like to thank you for your post.
DBH

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Response to DollarBillHines (Reply #7)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:36 PM

31. Thank you DBH!

My best to you and yours!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 09:56 PM

10. Sounds similar to what I went through

My 2 older brothers were pretty much out of the house when it started. I was @10.
My father was working in another city and so was only home on the weekends. The fighting would start @ an hour after he returned home for the weekend and go until he left Monday morning.

All mixed in with alcohol. We were catholic, so they stayed together. I so wanted the fighting to stop or at least be able to go someplace else like my brothers did.

I vaguely remember one slapping incident where dad hit mom. I also had my mother try to kill us (she and I) 3 times with gas once, with a knife once and one time she just beat the crap out me.

peace finally came about 6 years later.

Funny thing is my brothers saw little of it. When I accidentally brought it up at a family party, they really got pissed at me for saying such stuff.

With two daughters I am a great believer and worker for women's rights.

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Response to rurallib (Reply #10)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:02 PM

12. I am so sorry rurallib...

to you and your two daughters! Hold them tight!
sheshe

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #12)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:11 PM

19. oddly I had most of those memories repressed until

the whole priest abuse thing came out. Yeah, i was one of those too.
When the memories started coming back, it wasn't painful or anything - just made me very mad.

And strangely up til then most of my memories of my youth were of playing basketball.
But what is really strange is how neither of my brothers experienced what I did either at home or at school. It is like I was cursed.

So yes, I hang on to my daughters very tightly, even though each are hundreds of miles away. We Skype weekly for hours.
When they grew up my wife had a brain hemorrhage when #2 was born and my wife spent about 20 years quite paranoid until her doctor finally gave her prozac. It was really tough keeping it all together.

come to think of it I must be cursed.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:02 PM

11. Thanks for sharing that with DU. VAWA affects real women and they're being ignored.



That one is just for you, this time.

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Response to freshwest (Reply #11)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:16 PM

22. Oh do not make me cry, my dear freshwest.

I had to say it. I had to make it personal. It was hard.

If it will help the cause, I will be happy.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #22)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:21 AM

80. Look at this response -- you're helping the cause a LOT!

Your good deeds are known.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:04 PM

14. In 2010, a shocking 4,741,000 women were victims of domestic violence

And and even more shocking 5,365,000 MEN were victims of domestic violence.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #14)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:32 PM

27. For the sake of those of us that love stats

could you provide a link to those?

Thanks.

Love, Peace and Shelter. lmsp

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Response to littlemissmartypants (Reply #27)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:41 PM

34. Sure.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #34)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:52 PM

42. link says page not found.

"May be unavailable or may have been removed"

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #44)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:14 PM

50. ok got it, Thanks. It was a download

The first time though, I just got the error thing.


Anyway, I am going to need to look at it later...it's a long document and it's late here. I've got some things to do that I've already put off for being online for too long.

Thanks

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #14)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 05:51 AM

97. Per your CDC chart, 1 in 5 women are raped; 1 in 71 men are raped.

Your citation to that 5 million figure for men is very misleading. It comes from a CDC chart that lumps everything from "slaps" to shooting to define violence. When it comes to serious physical abuse by an intimate partner, women are far more often the victim than a man. The chart breaks down the type of physical violence (slaps, burning, knife/guns) and the more serious the harm, the more likely it is that a woman is the victim. Yes, when it comes to slaps, millions of men are victims each year. But the numbers for men drop off dramatically as the violence gets more serious...and increases proportionally for women. For example, the stat on being "beaten" lists 822, 000 women as victims each year and 379, 000 men as victims each year.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #97)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:38 AM

99. Thank you! nt

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #97)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:47 AM

108. And it also includes "shoves".

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Response to DURHAM D (Reply #108)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:36 AM

112. Yes. As they say, "there are lies, damn lies...and then there are statistics." nt

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #97)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:42 PM

124. Predictably pathetic

 

that he has turned this posters own tragedy into a misleading claim about the abuses of the menz.

Thank you for parsing the numbers through.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #97)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:55 PM

138. Thank you so very much, SunSeeker.

for you!

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #138)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:29 PM

168. You showed a lot of strength in baring your soul, sheshe.

The least we could do is respond to bs posts trying to stomp on your post.

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #97)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:19 PM

143. And it's also worth noting that

For all types of violence examined in this report, the majority of both
female and male victims had one perpetrator. Across all forms of violence, the majority of female
victims reported that the perpetrators were male. Male rape victims and male victims of non-contact
unwanted sexual experiences reported predominantly male perpetrators. Nearly half of male stalking victims also reported
perpetration by a male. Male victims of other forms of violence reported predominantly female perpetrators


To try to deflect the discussion by cherry picking one stat to suggest that men and women experience equal victimization without looking at the severity of that victimization and without looking at the gender of the offender is just absurd.

I doubt that anyone here dismisses that IPV of men is also a serious issue in this society. It's just not anywhere near as serious as IPV of women.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:07 PM

16. No but as a volunteer at my local women's shelter I recognize the pain, suffering and grief

in your post.

I hope you are in a better place. Thank you so, so very much for this beautiful OP. You so eloquently demonstrate exactly why this legislation is desperately needed.

K&R.



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Response to riderinthestorm (Reply #16)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:52 PM

43. In that respect, yes I am...it was many years ago.

The whole issue of the war on Women and the the Bulls**t about not passing VAWA!

It just kind of made everything hit home. It reopened wounds long buried. I cried every time a thread went almost unnoticed.

I feel strongly about this issue, as many others do here at DU!

Thank you, rider ( may I call you rider for short?)







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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:10 PM

17. I can't imagine what it's like to live in the presence of that physical violence; I do know about

emotional violence, though, and that is so excruciating that actual hitting must surely make the pain incomprehensibly deeper.

Thank you for telling us about your experience, sheshe2. I will not forget.

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Response to patrice (Reply #17)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:13 PM

49. I really do not know if one is any worse that the other.

Emotional or Physical, they sure as hell cut the same deep wounds. Most physical abuse can be seen, or lied away. Oops bumped into a door.

Emotional violence in my opinion is worse, it can cut so very deeply, to your soul. People can not see it. They may never know. I don't have the words to explain it...I don't think I have to, you know!

Thank you for your post and support, patrice, it is appreciated.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:10 PM

18. It took a lot of work to get as past as I am from all of the verbal abuse and

emotional neglect i lived with growing up up and it's never a completed process as I find a myself at nearing 60 still having to check my decisions & behaviors for the lingering influence. I've known many women personally and professionally who suffered horrific physical abuse on top of all of that, a hell you have to be an incredibly cold-hearted "person" to not empathize with....or, given the power to do so, want to protect.

Absolutely signed & shared the petition.

And thank you, sheshe2, for your courageous post. There's power in the sharing of your story. The only shame is owned 100% by the abusers.



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Response to tpsbmam (Reply #18)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:22 PM

55. Thank you tpsbmam.

Thank you for signing and caring...of course you would sign, with the abuse or without.

You believe in our WOMEN and I thank you for that!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:14 PM

20. sheshe...I am ALWAYS amazed to see that threads on women's human rights tend to sink

It always feels like a sucker punch.
Sometimes I don't wade in just because I get tired and overwhelmed.....


Growing up, my mother was the violent one...my Dad was comparatively sane but was gone all the time on business. Trying to tell him what she was doing did not go well, however. He never physically hit me, though.

Anyway, I was very aware of inequality of women (girls) even when I was a kid. Oddly, though, I also have a long history of falling desperately in love with very damaged people who end up treating me badly. Even with years of recovery I am recovering yet again from another one.

Abuse is the gift that keeps giving. Depression, isolating, self-sabotage, tendency to feel despairing, feeling like you (I) don't know how to do life. Thinking normal people must be very different than you (me). For whatever reason, we have all this on our plate. We have to do our best to make ourselves whole and learn to take care of ourselves better than what we learned.



(I've already signed the petition)

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #20)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:17 PM

23. My father was abused as an old man in his 2nd marriage...

and it killed him. She broke his shoulder and left him all night in a puddle of his own urine.

Domestic violence is as much against men as women and I am tired of seeing one side of it ignored.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #23)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:29 PM

25. I am very sorry. I wonder, when minority folks post to raise awareness of their situation,

Do you respond in this way, jumping in to the thread to minimize it? To argue that the OP is wrong because in spite of the overwhelming imbalance, you lived the less common experience?

Actually, what you are talking about is Elder Abuse, and elderly women are at risk as much as elderly men are. Sick people beat up on those weaker than themselves.

What happened to your Dad is WRONG and i am so sorry. He did not deserve it.

Llet me share that my Dad also experienced something awful in his old age, so my heart DOES go out to you empathetically.........but what we both experienced with our Dads is not a gender issue.

I think it's inappropriate to hijack this thread and imply that it is wrong for focusing on a phenomenon that is proportionately FAR more common to women.

A new thread raising consciousness about Elder issues would be a better thing to do.

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #25)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:42 PM

35. I see no reason why age should redefine the issue.

Older people are people too.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #35)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:46 PM

37. I made some edits for clarity to my post. HOWEVER, you are missing my point

and the whole point of the OP.

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #25)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:51 PM

40. I am not minimizing it. The opposite, in fact.

Some people have experienced domestic abuse from women as children, as husbands and as fathers, as grandfathers, as grandchildren.

For men and boys, it can be hard to come out with these experiences precisely because while one side of the gender equation is addressed and its victims supported, the other side is silenced and shamed (as I am starting to get) in this thread for even raising it.

Imagine if I STARTED a thread about male victims of domestic violence! I would be laughed out of here.

So where does it get voiced? It doesn't. And now you are trying to shame me into shutting up here too.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #40)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:05 PM

47. I DO NOT think a thread on the issue of male victims would be mocked.

Honestly. I think you should start a consciousness raising thread.

The key is how you phrase it.

The reason you are seeing "backlash" responses to your issue is due to the WORDING and ATTITUDE of the post.

Posts which voice an attitude that says, or SEEMS to say that women talking about VAWA and the phenomenon of male violence against women (as well as the cultural normalization of misogyny/sexualization of women) should shut up are not going to be greeted well.

I tried to point out how you sounded in your first reply to me. There are some other posters here sounding like they are implying that women "should shut up because it hapens to men too".

Perhaps that's not what you meant to imply.....so please note that there ARE men on here telling of experiences of being abused by a women (like their mothers, who were bigger and stronger at the time.)
They are NOT getting negative responses.

The difference is in how they're expressing themselves.

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Response to Bonobo (Reply #40)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:42 PM

125. violence againt anyone is wrong

but the facts are that women are killed more often by a partner than men are. 3 women are killed a day in the US by an intimate partner.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

I am sorry for what you've gone through. However, the facts are that domestic violence more often kills women than it does men, and that is why we make that claim. It is true. In no way is that fact meant to disparage what your family went through.

Again, no one is justifying violence against anyone. Violence is always wrong. You would make your point better if you were not ignoring the facts. You don't have to claim men suffer more than women from domestic violence in order to make your point.

Your point could be that violence against anyone is wrong, and that it does get aimed at men, and that men have died from it as well. I've never laughed at any man who brought that up. It's not either/or and it's not a contest to see who should get the attention. Passing the VAWA doesn't make your point any less valid.

I have seen friends of mine hunted down with guns by their partner, and have helped women escape from deranged violent men in their lives. Many of us have seen the pain close up.

That said, it is true that people ignore the Violence Against Women Act. It simply isn't a cool cause for some reason, and that deeply saddens me re the liberal movement. It needs to be reauthorized before we go back to the even higher stats from before Biden passed it originally.

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #25)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:40 AM

100. Thank you! He always does this. nt

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #20)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:35 PM

58. Thank you Blanche...

We are stonger now.

I know that I am. Do I have my bad times , sure. However I feel much stonger on my own now. I have great friends and a pretty great family! All in all I am blessed.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:16 PM

21. There are just as many, if not more, abusive human females

 

And where are the equal protections for fathers and their children from these abusive females?? Try finding a generously funded men's shelter, better yet try finding a abused men's shelter. Men have no where to go when the female is having a tantrum excaept to jail when the neighbors call the police and only the Man is injured!!

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:37 PM

32. a "female tantrum" as you put it, is not equivalent to abuse by someone bigger & stronger who

Who can easily kill you with his bare hands. Who can do extensive damage with one punch. Who is more likely to externalize rage (women tend to internalize)

As for your claim that there are as many or more abusive females....statistics worldwide disagree with you. Men are far far FAR more likely to harm their female partner than the other way around. And no, I'm not going to do the search for you.

If you're interested enough to argue, you can be interested enough to search on your own.

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #32)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:55 PM

61. Again Blanche, thank you, for answering these posts,

I don't have the energy, and am far to emotional to respond tonight. It took everything out of me just to have the courage to post this thread.

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:54 PM

45. "As many, if not more"

Puleez - you are truly disconnected Disconnect. Show me where you get this statistic - I assume you have no back-up. I do not belittle men who are abused. It happens, yes, but far, far, less than man on woman abuse. And a "tantrum" hardly equals a punch to the mouth. In my jurisdiction many females go to jail, especially if both parties are injured. You are making things up.

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Response to OldHippieChick (Reply #45)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:16 AM

107. It's a common MRA deflection.nt

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:21 PM

54. Well, you certainly know how to win friends and influence enemies, don't you? nt.

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:33 AM

71. BullSHIT.

My husband was the director of an abused women's shelter and he knows the stats. There are NOT NEARLY as many abusive women as men. That's a complete lie.

And you're showing your misogyny there, sparky. Women having a "tantrum"?? Grow up. Then leave.

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Response to Zoeisright (Reply #71)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:38 PM

153. Get YOUR facts straight, not some ad hominem tantrum!!!!

 

Women are just as likely as men to engage in partner aggression.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, "In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases. Reciprocity was associated with more frequent violence among women, but not men."
Psychologist John Archer reviewed hundreds of studies and concluded, “Women were slightly more likely than men to use one or more act of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently.”
Law professor Linda Kelly noted, "leading sociologists have repeatedly found that men and women commit violence at similar rates."
An international survey of violence between dating partners in 16 countries concluded: “Perhaps the most important similarity is the high rate of assault perpetrated by both male and female students in all the countries.”
Cal State Psychology Professor Martin Fiebert has assembled a bibliography of 175 scholarly investigations: 139 empirical studies and 36 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
An analysis of the data collected by the National Violence Against Women (NVAW) Survey found that more women than men engage in controlling behavior in their current marriages, but there was no statistically significant difference between men's and women's use of controlling behaviors in former marriages. Controlling husbands were not particularly likely to engage in frequent, injurious, or unprovoked violence. Husband and wives did not differ in their motivation to control. Men experience over one-third of DV-related injuries.

Of all persons who suffer an injury from partner aggression, 38% are male.
Of all persons who require medical treatment as the result of partner aggression, 35% are male.
Men who are victims of severe domestic violence suffer other problems, as well :
30% experienced depression
14% required bed rest to recuperate from the injuries
10% needed to take time off from work
Men are far less likely to report DV incidents than women.

According to the National Family Violence Survey, female victims of DV are nine times more likely to call the police than male DV victims. These are the percentages of victims who called the police in response to the assault:
Women: 8.5%
Men: 0.9%


The myths about domestic violence are numerous.
These are some of the common myths about domestic violence:

According to the FBI, a woman is beaten every 15 seconds
4,000 women each year are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends
There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United states as there are shelters for women
Battering during pregnancy is the leading cause of birth defects and infant mortality
Women who kill their batterers receive longer prison sentences than men who kill their partners
Richard Gelles, an internationally-recognized expert on domestic violence, refers to many of these claims as “factoids from nowhere.”
Many of these myths are based on DV studies that use biased survey methods.

Some studies survey women but not men. Predictably, these studies yield one-sided findings.
The DOJ National Crime Victimization Survey is flawed because persons do not consider most forms of domestic violence, such as slapping, shoving, or throwing an object at a partner, to be a crime.
The DOJ National Violence Against Women survey prefaces the questions by repeatedly using the phrase “personal safety.” Those words bias the responses because women are more concerned about personal safety than men.
Some studies of domestic violence assess both physical and verbal abuse. That inflates and distorts the picture of physical violence.

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:36 AM

72. Straight out of the MRA handbook.

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Response to DURHAM D (Reply #72)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:24 PM

136. Where are the Equal Programss, Shelters for Battered Men??

 

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, "In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases. Reciprocity was associated with more frequent violence among women, but not men."
Psychologist John Archer reviewed hundreds of studies and concluded, “Women were slightly more likely than men to use one or more act of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently.”
Law professor Linda Kelly noted, "leading sociologists have repeatedly found that men and women commit violence at similar rates."
An international survey of violence between dating partners in 16 countries concluded: “Perhaps the most important similarity is the high rate of assault perpetrated by both male and female students in all the countries.”
Cal State Psychology Professor Martin Fiebert has assembled a bibliography of 175 scholarly investigations: 139 empirical studies and 36 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
An analysis of the data collected by the National Violence Against Women (NVAW) Survey found that more women than men engage in controlling behavior in their current marriages, but there was no statistically significant difference between men's and women's use of controlling behaviors in former marriages. Controlling husbands were not particularly likely to engage in frequent, injurious, or unprovoked violence. Husband and wives did not differ in their motivation to control.

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:58 PM

130. I have to wonder if the neighbors always call the police on this man?

Very strange. Sounds like he needs some help. Arrested with no evidence and blames the woman's tantrums? Gosh golly it's a classic abuser defense.

Just saying, if we're throwing out accusations and generalizations.

Contrary to your wild claims, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury for women in the US:

http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

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Response to CitizenPatriot (Reply #130)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:06 PM

135. So where are the Battered Men's Shelters??

 

Where are the Equal Protections and facilities, programs for Battered, Abused, Men as compared to human females??

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #135)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:32 PM

160. You need a math class n/t

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #135)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:11 AM

164. Where are the men who gave up their jobs to raise children

and have to escape an abusive marriage with four or five little ones in tow but have no employable skills, no savings account in their name, no credit cards (because their abusive ex wouldn't let them have one), etc. etc.? Are there enough of them in any given metropolitan area to make keeping a shelter open economically feasible? Because there are enough women in that situation.

Most men have jobs and are less likely to feel the urgent need to take their kids with them when they flee. Men are less likely to be raped in homeless shelters or sleeping out on the streets. The assault, rape and murder rates for homeless women are fucking appalling. That's why battered womens' shelters exist.

Abused men are more likely to have the financial resources to flee to a motel. If they do have to hit the streets, they are not in the same kind of mortal danger that homeless women are in.

And female abusers are less likely to stalk their partner after they try to leave.

There are not equal programs because men and women fleeing abusers are frequently not in the same situation.

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Response to wickerwoman (Reply #164)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 09:14 PM

171. Another Ad Hominem Tantrum!!!

 

Where are your facts to back any of this up??

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:23 PM

151. Bullshit

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Response to Disconnect (Reply #21)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:12 PM

162. You are full of shit

Back up your claim with some statistics, then we'll talk.

Otherwise this is just some men's rights bullshit.

I noticed what you posted doesn't link to any report, just a list of references. Still, from what you posted, men suffered 38% of the injuries. That's less than 62%, which were presumably women. And says nothing about the perpetrator, which could be male or female.

I don't believe the 70% figure, not for a minute.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:17 PM

24. No, dad would just hit me

 

It was my fault though.

I was the subject of discussion every day, every single day. Specifically, the topic was "What has Chris done wrong today?" If the answer was nothing, which was rare, they would default to the previous day's list of failures and flaws. My earliest memory is dad throwing me into a lit BBQ. That is literally my earliest memory.

Not complaining mind you, I've heard some horror stories and mine falls far short.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #24)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:35 PM

59. I am so so sorry

This whole thread is so hard to read. Lots of sorrow going around.

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Response to Tumbulu (Reply #59)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:01 AM

62. Yeah, it's a sad thread. Thanks for the response

 

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #62)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:57 AM

88. 'tis. good to see so much compassion, though

I'm having PTSD reactions from reading...heart pounding and sweat drenches

We are connected through relating to each other

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #88)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:40 AM

93. Funny you mention that...

 

I suffer from panic attacks (at least I hope that's all it is) and have for some time. Often they are really horrible, but I am sure you know all about that. Anyway, I had wondered if some of that might be related to the things I experienced when younger but I wasn't sure that was possible.

Is this correct that traumatic shit from when you are younger can mess you up years or even decades later? And if so, would you KNOW that it is related to this stuff or do you just have to guess?

I mean this question respectfully so if I accidentally said something disrespectful or insensitive I apologize in advance.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #93)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:44 AM

101. I've read that yes, it is related.

"Is this correct that traumatic shit from when you are younger can mess you up years or even decades later? "

I experienced similar abuse. Like you, I was the family scapegoat.


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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #88)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:45 PM

163. I could not sleep last night- reading the threads

put me into a panic attack. I have been getting a lot of help by taking a supplement called L-theanine, but last night I was just so tense and frightened and angry etc that I just had to go through it. I vowd NOT to go on DU tonight....but here I am.

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Response to Demo_Chris (Reply #24)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:57 PM

139. In my family it was my mom and me.

My other siblings weren't targeted with violence for some reason.

It's interesting how many of us tend to downplay our own experiences, aware as we are of others, and how many of them had it worse.

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Response to redqueen (Reply #139)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:27 PM

144. IKHO it's a survival strategy.

Weirdly, if we can point to others' experiences as being worse than our own it's easier to cope with our own abuse because we're convincing ourselves that we were lucky that it was only THAT bad.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:30 PM

26. DEFINITELY an important post, and thread. I suppose I'm among the lucky ones - never to have

experienced that kind of horror you did, sheshe2. Thank you for sharing this. I can only imagine the anguish, day after day after day.

The VAWA simply MUST be passed. It amazes me to watch the republi-CONS stand so firmly against legislation like this - and then in the next breath they're turning around and scratching their heads, wondering why they're stuck in the ratings basement with women voters. NO DUH!!! And every last one of them has women in THEIR lives too. More infuriating, republi-CON women are against this too. It just doesn't compute for me. I don't get it. I do not get it. What the hell are they THINKING??????????

I am grateful every day that I never went through that or was exposed to it. My mother's father beat her and was abusive to her siblings, too. She'd tell me stories about going to school and feeling her skirt stick to the back of her thighs because he'd beaten her so badly she had weeping sores on the back of her legs. BASTARD. I always found it rather remarkable that, as scarred as she surely was by that, she never hit me. It stopped with her and never got passed on to me. She could be verbally abusive, and I realized early-on that the nursery rhyme "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" - is NOT true. Words CAN hurt. But she NEVER hit me. And for that I'm grateful and actually kind of proud of her. So many batterers learn it from their own parents and then pass it on.

And it just stunning to think - that somewhere in this country, at this moment I'm writing this or you're reading it - some woman is being beaten by someone close to her.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:36 PM

30. Signed the petition

Although I have never been in an abusive relationship, I have had to watch my daughter experience a very psychologically abusive marriage. Since finally breaking from the control and manipulation exerted by her so called partner, she has once again become the dynamic, happy and free spirited woman she was meant to be.

Hugs for sharing your pain and eventual triumph in order to help others who may be suffering the same indignities.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:40 PM

33. You are a brave person, I hope things are better for you now

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:42 PM

36. yes, here is my horrible experience with violence against women

I watched my dad beat up is girlfriend, sat on top of her and punched her in the face several times as she screamed and tried to fight back, I was six years old. My brother was 11 and called the police, they came and she said she didn't want to press charges because she didn't want us to see our dad arrested. This was before policy changes that required an arrest in these cases for our PD. I have PTSD issues from having witnessed this, I will be 40 in March.

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Response to Puzzledtraveller (Reply #36)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:49 AM

85. god.....

I have PTSD too...different kind of parent situation, though.

How horrible to have to see that...and to live with a man that could do that. Ugh.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:49 PM

38. No, but as a medic I saw plenty

Signed, for you and others.

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Response to nadinbrzezinski (Reply #38)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:07 AM

63. Thank you nadin, thank you so much! nt

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:49 PM

39.

Last edited Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:46 AM - Edit history (1)

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:51 PM

41. I'm hugging you tight right now, sheshe2

K&R

Very very tight. And rocking you like a baby. I'm so sorry those things happened to you. Things like that happened to me too. Got a few black eyes taking up for my Mom. Bless her heart, she finally divorced the SOB when she was 70 yrs old. I was her caretaker in the last two years of her life. I'll never forget when she woke up one night screaming...not long before she passed (@age 86). When I went in and turned on her light and calmed her down telling her she had had a nightmare... she said she thought he was trying to kill her. And he was dead already! I held her and rocked her like a baby and said "No, Mommy, he can't hurt you anymore. He can't hurt you anymore." I didn't let go of her until she calmed down and stopped crying. I made a pallet on the floor by her hospital bed (yes, she had one of those), and I slept there by her until morning. I was afraid she would have another one.

My stepfather was very mean to her, my sister, and me. He left the boys alone. And I'll stop there. To all those who never had to go through anything like this, count yourself very lucky. But I can attest, this really does go on, to this very day, in families all over this country. That is why the VAWA is so important. Women have to have recourse. For God's sake, this is 2013, not 1013.. Let's get in the right millennium!!

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Response to ReRe (Reply #41)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:25 AM

69. You got that right, ReRe....Let's get in the right millenn!ium

My mom is 86 and still very active, my dad is in a nursing home now.

I still visit weekly. He is my dad, he never hurt us, at least not physically, he only hurt my mom and himself. He was a damaged man.

So very sorry about your mom... to you too.

We can make the stand together. We can!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 10:56 PM

46. I am sorry that you had to go through this,

or that anyone has to go through this. If there is anyone here who does not support VAWA, they should re-evaluate why they are here.

If anyone here thinks that they know no one who is living through this sort of thing, as a child or as an adult, they are deluding themselves. Just like sheshe2, people do not often open up about it.

Sheshe2, I do understand.

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Response to Curmudgeoness (Reply #46)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:27 AM

70. ...

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:05 PM

48. Yes, it has, sheshe2.

When my father was beating my mother I was too young to understand that it was wrong. You see, whether it was the day before or the day after, it was just as likely that I would be the one in the bathroom bleeding from his blows. But I knew it something to be ashamed of. I guess I thought we were all doing something wrong and so I helped when it came to hiding the truth.

My mother died as an indirect result of his abuse. (The link in my sigline goes to the Wikipedia article about her death.) I've really never talked about how it was after she died - when my sister and I were left to be brought up alone by him. His sudden death while I was still in high school made it all the more difficult to ever really come to terms with.

I'm so sorry for you - and for anyone else who has experienced this kind of violence.

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Response to Control-Z (Reply #48)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:39 PM

60. OMG! I clicked on your link and I am so sorry!

What a horrifying tale! I am so sorry for you and your mother!

My mother died in childbirth so am very much a strong proponent of safe and legal abortion.

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Response to Control-Z (Reply #48)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:50 AM

73. Oh, Control-Z

I went to the link. I am so sorry. So very sorry. Your poor sweet mom.

You had it worse as a child...no one ever came after me. He hit her that one time, however We had our happy times...we had our sad times too, the multiple suicide attempts....the list goes on................and on.

for you Control-Z.

Peace to you and yours,
sheshe

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Response to Control-Z (Reply #48)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:19 AM

98. No words.

Followed link.

Julie

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Response to Control-Z (Reply #48)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:51 PM

126. O.M.G.

 

((((((Control-Z))))))

You have suffered beyond anything comprehensible.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:14 PM

51. Thank you. n/t

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:17 PM

52. Your action got my signature.

I likely would have signed the petition anyway (had I seen it) but your testimony struck a chord that will resonate within me for a while.
Too many women (and people in general) are victims of other's abusive behaviors and actions. Educating ourselves about abuse in its various manifestations increases our chances of eliminating it from our lives and our communities.
Thank you for bring this petition to my attention.

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Response to iemitsu (Reply #52)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:13 AM

77. You are welcome, iemitsu.

Thank you...my OP WAS meant to strike a chord.

Shock effect maybe....way more personnal than I ever would have posted. I needed to make a point. Reality S**kS...I know. However OP'S here were going no where. I have been very upset all week. Every thread died. Each and every one. I cried every damn time.

Thank you again...gateley was the one that posted it...however I have tried to push it forward, again and again.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=2366783

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #77)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:07 AM

91. Since victims of abuse or witnesses to abuse

are often reluctant to talk about it, even those who think they know the victim well, often don't know this about them.
People don't want to believe that others they know are being abused, so they ignore or don't see the signs. They don't want to acknowledge that the problem exists, they don't want to talk about it. Abuse is an uncomfortable topic.
This is why the issue of abuse toward women must be kept in the forefront of discussions.
I can understand your frustration, seeing threads on this issue sink into oblivion. It makes one feel as if no one else cares.
Thanks again for pushing this topic.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:19 PM

53. Thanks for posting this

I've had some similar experiences . . .

Women stayed because there was no place to go . . . and no one to help, or because of embarrassment, being blamed, etc.

It actually wasn't until the OJ trial that violence against women became a national shame....

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 11:24 PM

56. Former shelter volunteer here.

Recovered rape victim here.

Kick & Rec and petition signed.

Hang in there. We got each other's backs.

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Response to Ilsa (Reply #56)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:14 PM

142. ...

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:08 AM

64. Thank you, sheshe2 --

For you and all the others affected by this, let's make sure this gets done.

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Response to gateley (Reply #64)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:21 AM

79. Thanks gateley....

I didn't know any other way to do it...I tried the other way. It didn't work.

Did I want to share this, NO I did not. However, if it helps...then we are better for it.

Linked your petition every step if the way....also your post!

Thanks gateley, together we can!

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #79)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:28 AM

82. I can understand your reluctance to post this, but look at all the others who

have experienced this, too. I bet just posting here, in this safe thread you provided, helped some immensely.

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Response to gateley (Reply #82)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:50 AM

86. gateley...your petition was a tipping point for me...

I had posted several threads about variations of VAWA. Little to no response.

I was getting ready for work and saw your post...however I had just 2 minutes before your post been sent to the naughty mat by the jury for a response I made to someone after the SOTU! So I watched for an hour....saw all the people that viewed. No fricking response! I was the first!

Pissed me off.

Anyway. Here we are...let's fight the fight and keep on fighting!

gateley!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:16 AM

65. Signed

While I may not have known personally any woman that has been abused, I do know abuse exist. It's also very possible I have known abused women that were silent about the abuse. It has to stop.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:18 AM

66. Thank you, thank you, thank you

I couldn't believe the last thread about the petition got so little attention.

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Response to PatSeg (Reply #66)

Wed Feb 20, 2013, 01:17 AM

173. I saw your post PatSeg...and I thank you for that! nt

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:24 AM

67. I once went to the ER with a bloody nose

I worked in the basement of a building, slipped on a piece of ice and kissed the concrete. My glasses were broken, there was blood all down the front of my clothes and I had a big goose egg on my forehead. My boss drove me to the ER because I had lost consciousness and she wanted to make sure I didn't have any fractures.

I got x-rays and the doctor was checking me out. He asked how I had gotten injured and I told him. He asked my boss to leave the room. He said, "Okay....really. Who did this to you?"

I was incredulous. I said, "No, really, I slipped on a piece of melted ice and the next thing I knew, the floor was approaching my face, REALLY FAST. My face hit concrete. Do women come in looking like me because someone hit them?"

He just nodded and said, "All the time."

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:25 AM

68. My siblings and I lived that nightmare, and worse. Most of the abuse was verbal, but he did

'Straighten her out' a few times.

Dad was a raging alcoholic and WWII vet, who came back damaged but never sought help (did anyone in those days?)

Mom stayed with him for 37 years until he drank himself to death in 1979. She lived another 33 years after his death, but never spoke an ill word about him. It troubled her greatly that my brother and sister and I had such horrible memories of him.

He damaged my mom in every conceivable way, but he also damaged all his children. He tried to murder us all by setting the house in fire with us all inside. Everywhere he went he sowed pain and chaos in the world. If you even looked at him he'd beat you half to death. I saw him bite a man's ear off in a barroom fight. I saw him open an man's skull with a tire iron. He was simply a monster.

It pains me to say it, but the happiest day of my life was when he died.

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Response to Flatulo (Reply #68)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:58 AM

75. I weep for you, Flatulo

I am so sorry for the monster your father was...

My dad was a far greater threat to himself, though the damage he caused his wife and his children was inexcusable. There were three of us, now we are two. My brother commited suicide six years ago.

Cause and effect.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #75)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:18 AM

78. The important thing is to break the cycle, as I have done.

I raised my son with love and compassion, never even had to raise my voice with him. And today he's a wonderful young man of 23 who is also gentle and loving towards all. He's never, ever been in a lick of trouble. I consider my greatest accomplishment in life to be his growing up in a home without fear or anxiety.

My wife was fortunate to grow up in a normal household with a dad who was a great guy. She's been very patient and understanding with me as I bared my soul to her over the years. She can't imagine what we went though, and I glad she can't.

May you find lasting peace, sheshe. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. The scars can be very deep indeed.


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Response to Flatulo (Reply #78)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:25 AM

81. We can break the cycle...yes . We can!

"?

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:58 AM

74. I signed the petition.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

Suffice it to say that I grew up with an alcoholic father. The details aren't important.



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Response to ohheckyeah (Reply #74)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:31 AM

83. Hi, ohheckyeah...and thank you!

You are right...details are not important....action is!!!!

Thank you so much for signing!!! Thank you!

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #83)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:37 AM

84. You're welcome.

Details are important in an OP such as yours that is trying to reach people. I'm glad you were courageous enough to share them. My details wouldn't add much to the conversation that you so adeptly started.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 01:08 AM

76. Thank you for posting this..

I have wanted to post my story, but have been afraid to do so.. I have been stuck in an abusive marriage for 8 long years.. The only reason I have stuck it out this long, is for my children.. I am afraid I can't handle it anymore.. I have nothing left to give.. No one to talk to.. I have been trying to get him to leave, but I am also too much of a coward to call the police.. If anyone is out there that can give me some advice, or help, I really need it! Thanks!

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Response to bama_blue_dot (Reply #76)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:15 AM

102. For your children, you must leave

I'm so sorry for your situation, and I'm in no way qualified to give practical advise, but at the bottom there are links to people who can do so.

The important thing is NOT to stick it out for your children - read the stories in this thread and see how much damage abusive relationships do to the children.

Please get yourself and your children out. You can do it - you're stronger than you think!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD). It's staffed 24/7.

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Response to usrbs (Reply #102)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:21 AM

103. Thank you

for your response.. It is definitely a decision that tears me apart every day.. I was a child of divorce, and I know how hard it was for me growing up without a mother, so I guess part of me is trying to prevent that..

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Response to bama_blue_dot (Reply #103)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:37 AM

104. I stayed years later than I should have in a bad marriage

And it was for the children, but they all say they wished we had divorced earlier. And the level of abuse was quite low compared to the stories in this thread.

Just think - do you want your sons thinking abuse is normal and acceptable to mete out? Do you want your daughters internalizing the message that they have to accept abuse, and they somehow deserve it?

Show your children that some things should never be tolerated and that you insist on respect and dignity for yourself, and by extension, to them.

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Response to usrbs (Reply #104)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 12:28 AM

166. +100

Staying in the relationship is telling your kids that it's OK for people not to treat them with respect and that violence is a form of love.

Would you want your kids to stay in a relationship like the one you're in? If not, get the hell out because staying is modelling it.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:10 AM

90. :(

 

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 04:22 AM

94. I want to see, and I think it's now possible we could see, an explosion

in feelings, thoughts, expressions, actions AGAINST violence against women.

Silence is not an option. Keep pushing 'til we push it over the top.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 04:50 AM

95. Done, sheshe!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 05:02 AM

96. K&R & signed!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:05 AM

105. morning kick

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:09 AM

106. DONE.

On behalf of my wife, Ginny.

Her first husband was abusive. Her second husband was me. I feel so lucky that she chose to share her life with me.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:53 AM

109. Done!

Thanks for posting the petition...and you always have us.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)


Response to OldDem2012 (Reply #110)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:08 PM

117. I'm so sorry this cruel child abuse happened to you. I wish there was someone there

to protect you from your mother, or to perhaps intervene to help your family.

I question why you it posted it here on a thread about the Violence Against Women Act.

Statistically, women suffer physical abuse at the hands of men in far greater numbers than men at the hands of women. In my family's case the violence was the result of what many consider "family values": a clean house, wifely obligations, dutiful children, dinner on time, a submissive wife. These were the reasons for the assaults against my mother.

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Response to AnotherMother4Peace (Reply #117)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:23 PM

118. I'm sorry...I understand the statistics, but I didn't know where else to share my story....

...but don't worry, it won't happen again.

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Response to OldDem2012 (Reply #118)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:49 PM

119. One of my favorite movie quotes: "Some of us have great stories, pretty stories. That

take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But alot of people that's their story. Good times, noodle salad." Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. I love that line because I've always thought everyone else had a great story, a pretty story - noodle salads at lakes.

I must apologize to you - I didn't mean to diminish your story. I admire that you can write about it. I haven't even found the courage to go there. I do find that my childhood has sharpened my survival skills, & that I can be one tenacious, tough son-of-a gun at times.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:11 AM

111. Yes - My dad was cruel & assaulted my mom many times. I kept many secrets as

a child, & it's still difficult to share these experiences, so that is where I'll leave it. I think you are brave to talk about it. In my mother's memory I will sign the Violence Against Women Petition.

http://www.beaubiden.com/landing/w1302vw/

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:46 AM

113. Thanks.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:48 AM

114. Men not only need to stand up for women, they need to make it clear to other men

that abuse, either physical or mental, is not ok. It's not being tough. In fact it's the opposite.

Thanks for sharing and all my best to you and your loved ones.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 12:00 PM

116. This thread is heartbreaking.

Peace and healing to all who have had to endure the torment and strength for those who read this thread that they find the courage to leave.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:03 PM

121. Since I'm pretty old. I'm familiar with how men thought in the past.

Some used to think that it was okay to slap a woman backhanded. Fists were definitely a no, no but backhand okay. What happened to you happened once to me. My parents had returned from a cocktail party and got into a fight. He slapped her backhanded and called her a whore. The argument was about her flirting with some young guy. She was very pretty and men were attracted to her. There was alcohol involved. My mom left him immediately, taking me with her, and they were separated for two years. They went back together then and stayed together until my father died. He never did it again and neither of them ever took an alcoholic drink again. Oh, well not entirely, my dad used to enjoy a beer or two when he went fishing but no more.

I was never privvy to what they did to bridge this other than the alcohol quitting and how they were able to forgive each other. I'm so sorry you went through this. It is awful when it happens and I can't even imagine what it's like to have to live with it every day.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:13 PM

122. Yes.

I have experienced your example.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:15 PM

123. I was never a victim of domestic abuse.

If anything, I was the abuser. If any man even raised his hand at me, that was the end. My ex-husband never abused me. Once, I threw a butcher knife at him and he raised his arm to deflect it and it bounced back and stabbed me in the leg.

Then, one time he was out playing pool until 3 am. I was seeing red by that time because he had the car and I was stuck in the house with a tiny baby, out of baby formula, no cigarettes and no food. Well, when I heard the car pull into the drive, I was ready. I got a heavy cast iron pan, stood on a chair next to the door (I had to stand on the chair because he was 6'3" and I am only 5'3". When he walked through the door, I let him have it. I knocked him cold. I have never regretted it.

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Response to RebelOne (Reply #123)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:55 PM

127. You were a victim of abuse, passive abuse.

You said:

"Then, one time he was out playing pool until 3 am. I was seeing red by that time because he had the car and I was stuck in the house with a tiny baby, out of baby formula, no cigarettes and no food."

Abuse isn't just physical. I hope you both get help.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:56 PM

128. I've only been through it from your mother's side, not yours

But the petition is very important for anyone who has a woman they love in their life!

So sorry about what you went through. I got my daughters out when they were 5, 2 and 11 months old, but my 5 year old had lasting scars and self-esteem issues.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:28 PM

129. Done...

I've signed every single petition re: VAWA that I have encountered. I'm so sorry your family had to witness that...and happy you did not stick around to relive th horror of your mother's life.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 05:09 PM

131. like 129

I haven't ignored these threads, I've signed dozens of petitions for the VAWA. I've also passed them along to everyone I know.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 05:19 PM

132. sheshe..

Your story with your parents is very similar to mine.

I'm so sorry about your personal history with Violence Against Women. Thank you for being so brave and eloquent in your passion for this terrorizing epidemic.

http://blog.populationinstitute.org/2011/11/25/end-the-epidemic-of-violence-against-women/

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/11/25/1164077/-Pretty-in-Pink-International-Day-for-the-Elimination-of-Violence-against-Women

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Response to Cha (Reply #132)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:42 PM

147. Oh, Cha, you too?



Thank you for the link to Pretty-in -Pink International! Eve Ensler's speech was inspiring!

1 Billion Rising....We are stong. We get stonger every single day!

Thank you,Cha!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 05:23 PM

133. You are amazing

K&R

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Response to Number23 (Reply #133)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:43 PM

148. Thank you, Number23!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:01 PM

134. Sheshe, you've done well in this thread. I don't talk online about such things as I can't do it.

Let's get this VAWA behind us, this nation and world needs so much healing.

to all who have posted on this thread and also to all the good DUers who have posted here.

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Response to freshwest (Reply #134)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:44 PM

149. ...

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:53 PM

137. Nothing as dramatic as that and I'm scarred. It's total BS that anyone who would not support strong

measures to end violence against women or children could ever be elected. When you look at some of the pathetic excuses for humans that are in the House, it's mortifying.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:58 PM

140. Men have Domestic Violence perpetrated against them by Human Females, the opposite sex also!!!

 

Women are just as likely as men to engage in partner aggression.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, "In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases. Reciprocity was associated with more frequent violence among women, but not men."
Psychologist John Archer reviewed hundreds of studies and concluded, “Women were slightly more likely than men to use one or more act of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently.”
Law professor Linda Kelly noted, "leading sociologists have repeatedly found that men and women commit violence at similar rates."
An international survey of violence between dating partners in 16 countries concluded: “Perhaps the most important similarity is the high rate of assault perpetrated by both male and female students in all the countries.”
Cal State Psychology Professor Martin Fiebert has assembled a bibliography of 175 scholarly investigations: 139 empirical studies and 36 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
An analysis of the data collected by the National Violence Against Women (NVAW) Survey found that more women than men engage in controlling behavior in their current marriages, but there was no statistically significant difference between men's and women's use of controlling behaviors in former marriages. Controlling husbands were not particularly likely to engage in frequent, injurious, or unprovoked violence. Husband and wives did not differ in their motivation to control. Men experience over one-third of DV-related injuries.

Of all persons who suffer an injury from partner aggression, 38% are male.
Of all persons who require medical treatment as the result of partner aggression, 35% are male.
Men who are victims of severe domestic violence suffer other problems, as well :
30% experienced depression
14% required bed rest to recuperate from the injuries
10% needed to take time off from work
Men are far less likely to report DV incidents than women.

According to the National Family Violence Survey, female victims of DV are nine times more likely to call the police than male DV victims. These are the percentages of victims who called the police in response to the assault:
Women: 8.5%
Men: 0.9%


The myths about domestic violence are numerous.
These are some of the common myths about domestic violence:

According to the FBI, a woman is beaten every 15 seconds
4,000 women each year are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends
There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United states as there are shelters for women
Battering during pregnancy is the leading cause of birth defects and infant mortality
Women who kill their batterers receive longer prison sentences than men who kill their partners
Richard Gelles, an internationally-recognized expert on domestic violence, refers to many of these claims as “factoids from nowhere.”
Many of these myths are based on DV studies that use biased survey methods.

Some studies survey women but not men. Predictably, these studies yield one-sided findings.
The DOJ National Crime Victimization Survey is flawed because persons do not consider most forms of domestic violence, such as slapping, shoving, or throwing an object at a partner, to be a crime.
The DOJ National Violence Against Women survey prefaces the questions by repeatedly using the phrase “personal safety.” Those words bias the responses because women are more concerned about personal safety than men.
Some studies of domestic violence assess both physical and verbal abuse. That inflates and distorts the picture of physical violence.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:58 PM

141. Don't. Be. So. Sure. J/S.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:35 PM

145. To Mr. Disconnect

 

Please stop sucking the energy out of this thread. You have an important issue to discuss, may I suggest you start your own thread?

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 07:39 PM

146. Good gawd, no!

I was raised under a benevolently sexist "we don't hit girls" regime. Not perfect, but it got the job done.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:20 PM

150. signed - Thanks for your bravery!


That took guts - many thanks.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:35 PM

152. It has.

I've been that kid. And I never want another child to have to wonder why mom is bleeding and not moving. I never want another woman to be that mother, or daughter, or... you know what I'm saying.

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Response to Scootaloo (Reply #152)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:39 PM

154. I do, Scootaloo.

to you!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:42 PM

155. I got lucky as a child, I guess

My parents are coming up on their 56th anniversary and my dad has never to my knowledge raised a hand to my mom.

On the other hand, when I got older, I became That Wife.

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Response to LadyHawkAZ (Reply #155)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:49 PM

156. Oh, LadyHawk.

I hope you are doing well now.

sheshe2

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #156)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:53 PM

157. I haven't seen him in 16 years

He served less than 24 hours in jail for punching me in the face, none at all for the rape later on.

I survived, and recovered. Thanks.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 09:35 PM

158. Signing.

I remember hearing something a few years back about Joe Biden trying to make the violence against women act gender neutral. Did he ever get anywhere with that? I never did hear anything about the outcome.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 09:36 PM

159. I understand

I did not experience that although I did see the bruises and that one black eye mom got for wearing a little makeup to work.

However, I do remember as a kid sitting on the toilet while mom dressed my wounds after dad disciplined me so many times with punches to the face and ribs.

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Response to rickyhall (Reply #159)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:45 PM

161. So very sorry, rickyhall.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 06:01 AM

167. Fuck the knuckle draggers

There's gonna be a lot of negative backlash from the "Dude Patrol" towards this- fuck 'em.
This has been a long time coming and our daughters, mothers, wives and granddaughters deserve to be protected from sexist violence with laws that are responsive to the realities of daily abuse.
One again, when the dude patrol comes along and whines "what about the menz"- just ignore them- they represent a small amount of real men.

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 03:11 PM

170. K & R

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 12:36 PM

172. Here is a video that explains VAWA

 

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 12:19 AM

174. I'm sorry that you went through this, sheshe. No child should be part of violence.

I was. Glasses of buttermilk went flying.
Sometimes I ducked sometimes I was backhanded.

As a child I watched my stepmothers (both of 'em) beat on my father until he retaliated.
One Monday morning my father was wondering where his bruises came from. It was me.
I hit him in an attempt to protect my stepmother.

I moved away from home when I was 17.
No brothers. No sisters. Alone in the world.
Safe as long as I trusted no one.

I became an investigator for Child Protective Services of New York.
Trying to stop the horrors of my childhood from happening to another defenseless child.

I was sexually abused as a child.
Seduced by a 26 year old nephew of my first stepmother.
Oh yeah. I was I was told I was to blame.
When I was 15 my second stepmother sexually abused and humiliated me.
Do I have mommy issues (as one very rude DU male ask when I was posting on a thread about the rape of a fourteen year old by her mother) . . . you bet I do.
Do I trust women in real life ~ no.

The one good thing that came out of my abuse: It never happened again as an adult.

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #174)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 05:52 PM

175. I often wonder if there is a woman alive who hasn't been abused by some male,

at some point in her life.

For me it was an uncle...and the ultimate betrayal of a mother who preferred her sister and her b-i-l to her child. None of the beatings, and I've been beaten with just about anything you can imagine, mattered as much as that betrayal. When she died in 2004 I had not a single tear to shed for her.

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #175)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 06:00 PM

176. imo:

There is a very special place in hell for all of those who touch a child in the wrong way.
Sexual abuse changes that child's life forever.
Beatings are never forgotten.
Neglect is horrible. When I was 4, visiting my father and my first stepmother,
I remember a family friend telling me that my tummy ache was because I need something to eat.
I never worried about that while I was staying with my aunts and uncles.

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #176)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 06:21 PM

177. Good Lord...

Hell is too good for them...

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #177)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 06:27 PM

178. indeed

so mote it be ~ to the power of three

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #178)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 06:29 PM

179. Healing Power...yep

O Guardians of the Eastern Tower,
Airy ones of healing power,
Listen as we call Thee here,
Witness these Rites as Thou draweth near.

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #175)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 07:55 PM

181. Sad but true and I am so very sorry!

SD!

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #181)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 07:58 PM

182. Thanks sheshe2

It infuriates me that anyone had to go begging for VAWA votes! There are times when I think the world would have been a better place had men been equipped with ON/OFF switches...and brought out of the closet only when needed. Then there are other times, of course.

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #182)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 08:13 PM

183. So true....sad but true. And Thank you!

and SD I just posted another Bond video...enjoy it.

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Response to sheshe2 (Reply #183)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 08:17 PM

184. Thank You!

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Response to sheshe2 (Original post)

Sun Mar 3, 2013, 07:24 PM

180. Been there

lived that with additional issue of father being a pedophile and additional siblings.

Petition signed.

Thanks for sharing and posting.

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