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Wed Feb 6, 2013, 02:07 PM

PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White House officials on Monday to recommend that the United States publicly distance itself from the entire state of Alabama. Citing discouraging results from focus groups and surveys that revealed a widespread public perception of Alabama as uncivilized and corrupt, the team of consultants encouraged federal government officials to downplay their nation’s connections to the problem state as soon as possible.“At this time, we believe it’s in your best interests to discontinue your relationship with Alabama,” said Hill & Knowlton senior marketer Dylan Feldstone, adding that the United States and Alabama were “heading in two different directions right now.” “We know that’s not easy to hear, but the numbers don’t lie, and honestly, you don’t need a bunch of statistics to tell you it’s Alabama that’s holding your country back.”“We’re confident it would be best for everyone if you and Alabama parted ways,” he added.

According to high-level sources, the marketers singled out Alabama—a state that consistently ranks in the top five states in the country for internet access and overall quality of life while posting obesity and divorce rates that are among the lowest in the country—as a major obstacle to the United States’ efforts to establish an appealing brand. “When people think about the United States, the last thing you want them thinking about is Alabama,” said Feldstone, whose previous clients reportedly include Nike, Robert Downey Jr., and OPEC. “There are other states with a lot going for them. Look at Colorado or California. And Utah is beautiful—the world wants to see that. But there’s nothing about Alabama shouting ‘cutting-edge country I want to invest in.’”

Though they clarified that their recommendation was solely a business decision and was not meant to belittle Alabama, the consultants reportedly emphasized that the nation must take steps to suppress every facet of the 22nd state’s ignominious reputation.

“Alabama’s checkered past is no secret,” said Feldstone, noting that the state’s history of controversy was “not something anyone wants to be associated with.” “Everyone knows about the racial issues. The violence, the intolerance, the whole Birmingham fiasco in 1963. That’s not the image you want to project while you seek new investors, not with civil rights as popular as they are right now.”

At press time, sources indicated that government officials were also considering the marketers’ recommendation that they slowly phase out Mississippi over the next five years.


Source

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pr-firm-advises-us-to-cut-ties-with-alabama,31186/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=standard-post:headline:default


Not a bad idea in my book.

5 replies, 1234 views

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Reply PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama (Original post)
iandhr Feb 2013 OP
independentpiney Feb 2013 #1
dballance Feb 2013 #2
iandhr Feb 2013 #3
DreamGypsy Feb 2013 #4
raccoon Feb 2013 #5

Response to iandhr (Original post)

Wed Feb 6, 2013, 02:10 PM

1. It took me to the end of the 1st paragraph to check the link nt

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Wed Feb 6, 2013, 02:14 PM

2. That's a Riot. Can we add MS and AZ to the list?

AZ and MS have been just ad embarrassing as AL. TX is a good bet too.

Now, why is it we didn't let them secede?

That standard "We wish them the best of luck blah, blah, blah" was so perfect and made me laugh. Just like when FOX said it about Palin. It's always so transparently meaningless and never sincere.

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Response to dballance (Reply #2)

Wed Feb 6, 2013, 02:19 PM

3. "also considering the marketers’ recommendation that they slowly phase out Mississippi"

I am personally not ready for AZ and TX to go.

I want to keep Julián and Joaquín Castro. Also Dems can win in AZ in 2016.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Wed Feb 6, 2013, 02:53 PM

4. Phil Ochs didn't write the Onion article...

...but he did write the song "Here's to the State of Mississippi". Phil's tenor in the song is a bit more strident than the Onion satire.

Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Mississippi find yourself another country to be part of

I don't mean to offend any of the good Mississippians out there - I know there are many wonderful aspects to your home state.

As you probably know, Phil rewrote the song in the early 70's and retitled it "Here's to the State of Richard Nixon", with the appropriate substitutions in the lyrics. I really can't think of a single redeeming aspect of Nixon.

The song lends itself to rewriting as times, people, and places change. Here's a version by Eddie Vedder - you can cut directly to the music at about 2 minutes into the video:

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Wed Feb 6, 2013, 05:08 PM

5. THis time, after reading the first two lines, I looked down and saw that it was the Onion! nt

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