HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » I Need Fifteen Followers!...

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:32 PM

I Need Fifteen Followers!!

Turns out the "pastor" at the heart of the Applebee's tip controversy has a storefront ministry with fifteen members. And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, is that all it takes to be a have a church with tax exempt status?"

So here's the deal -- I'm already an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church (you can be too if you fill out the form at www.themonastary.org) and so all I need is fifteen DU'ers to profess their faith and we're in business.

Here's what you get:

Eternal Life: I can do that because Jesus is a personal friend of mine. And unlike those other churches that want 10% of your income, I'll do it for $25 in pizza coupons. Even the expired ones.

Sacramental Wine: Actually, this church is strictly BYOB, so you're on your own for that.

Confessional: You can tell me all about whatever god-awful, horrible things you've done in the past week. Although I'm warning you, if these things are of a sexual nature, I'm going to demand video.

Crusades: Because let's face it, god-damned Canada has it coming. Together, we will liberate Winnipeg!

Sundays Off: Who decided that we had to roll out of the rack at the crack of dawn on the weekend? SATAN. Weekly services require five minutes of soulful meditation at a time of your choosing. And when I say it's required, I mean that you can do it if you want. Or not.

That's the deal. Who's with me?

122 replies, 8070 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 122 replies Author Time Post
Reply I Need Fifteen Followers!! (Original post)
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 OP
babylonsister Jan 2013 #1
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #3
reverend_tim Jan 2013 #59
babylonsister Jan 2013 #72
reverend_tim Feb 2013 #106
quinnox Jan 2013 #2
LisaLynne Jan 2013 #4
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #12
reverend_tim Jan 2013 #46
Blue Owl Jan 2013 #81
BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2013 #100
darkangel218 Jan 2013 #5
monmouth3 Jan 2013 #6
nick of time Jan 2013 #7
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #13
nick of time Jan 2013 #16
darkangel218 Jan 2013 #8
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #15
darkangel218 Jan 2013 #19
freshwest Jan 2013 #67
Starry Messenger Jan 2013 #82
BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2013 #101
bluedigger Jan 2013 #9
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #21
bluedigger Jan 2013 #24
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #25
Voice for Peace Jan 2013 #74
joeybee12 Jan 2013 #10
Control-Z Jan 2013 #11
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #17
Lone_Star_Dem Jan 2013 #14
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #18
Lone_Star_Dem Jan 2013 #39
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #40
Lone_Star_Dem Jan 2013 #51
kristamonroe Jan 2013 #20
libdem4life Jan 2013 #22
Voice for Peace Jan 2013 #75
hfojvt Jan 2013 #23
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #31
hfojvt Feb 2013 #111
Jeff In Milwaukee Feb 2013 #114
Le Taz Hot Feb 2013 #112
N_E_1 for Tennis Feb 2013 #119
LondonReign2 Jan 2013 #26
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #34
matt819 Jan 2013 #27
cliffordu Jan 2013 #28
Lars39 Jan 2013 #29
Canuckistanian Jan 2013 #30
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #32
OneGrassRoot Jan 2013 #44
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #47
OneGrassRoot Jan 2013 #52
ellie Jan 2013 #33
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #35
Not Me Jan 2013 #36
Wait Wut Jan 2013 #37
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #41
myrna minx Jan 2013 #43
FailureToCommunicate Jan 2013 #48
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #50
FailureToCommunicate Jan 2013 #54
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #55
CrazyOrangeCat Jan 2013 #66
2naSalit Jan 2013 #38
theKed Jan 2013 #83
2naSalit Jan 2013 #84
OneGrassRoot Jan 2013 #42
Sheepshank Jan 2013 #45
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #49
siligut Jan 2013 #77
rurallib Jan 2013 #53
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #56
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #57
Jackpine Radical Jan 2013 #58
benld74 Jan 2013 #60
snort Jan 2013 #61
2on2u Jan 2013 #62
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #94
tclambert Jan 2013 #63
A HERETIC I AM Jan 2013 #78
Lifelong Protester Jan 2013 #64
freshwest Jan 2013 #65
Fire Walk With Me Jan 2013 #68
solara Jan 2013 #69
Freedomofspeech Jan 2013 #70
UrbScotty Jan 2013 #71
Snarkoleptic Jan 2013 #73
SouthernDonkey Jan 2013 #76
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #95
reverend_tim Feb 2013 #108
SouthernDonkey Feb 2013 #121
Spirochete Jan 2013 #79
TexasTowelie Jan 2013 #80
CrazyOrangeCat Jan 2013 #89
TexasTowelie Jan 2013 #97
CrazyOrangeCat Jan 2013 #99
southern_belle Jan 2013 #85
NuttyFluffers Jan 2013 #86
Earth_First Jan 2013 #87
guardian Jan 2013 #88
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #98
guardian Jan 2013 #104
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #105
msanthrope Jan 2013 #90
reverend_tim Feb 2013 #110
Egalitarian Thug Jan 2013 #91
BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2013 #102
reverend_tim Feb 2013 #107
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #115
CrazyOrangeCat Jan 2013 #92
Jeff In Milwaukee Jan 2013 #96
Jackpine Radical Jan 2013 #103
obamanut2012 Jan 2013 #93
Art_from_Ark Feb 2013 #109
Le Taz Hot Feb 2013 #113
Ikonoklast Feb 2013 #116
AllyCat Feb 2013 #117
Jeff In Milwaukee Feb 2013 #122
Dragonfli Feb 2013 #118
SunSeeker Feb 2013 #120

Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:34 PM

1. Hahaha! I'm in!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to babylonsister (Reply #1)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:39 PM

3. You're my first disciple...

Which means that when martyrdom is at hand, you'll be the first to go.

I should have mentioned that earlier, eh?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #3)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:15 PM

59. If you swear your allegiance to me, I will send you a certificate of living Sainthood.

The pre mortis beatification process requires you bring your own gin.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #3)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:10 PM

72. Oh, jeeze, now you tell me? Can

I reconsider?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to babylonsister (Reply #72)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:07 AM

106. In my Denomination a big bottle of Sapphire and Canada Dry tonic water can get you all most anything

you want including beatification.
Legal pot, and Gay Marriage requires moving to Washington State and the rain is included with Seattle residence.

Just think You could be "Saint Babylonsister".

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:35 PM

2. just the mention of discount pizza was good enough

 

I'm there.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:40 PM

4. Can you sweeten the pot any?

I'm still on the fence.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LisaLynne (Reply #4)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:44 PM

12. Perhaps a nice miracle would do the trick...

I can turn $4 into a bottle of wine.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LisaLynne (Reply #4)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:59 PM

46. I can offer legal pot, and gay marriage and lots of rain !!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to reverend_tim (Reply #46)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:59 PM

81. Mmmm... Sunday potluck

Pass that dish on the left hand side!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to reverend_tim (Reply #46)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:30 PM

100. I think your denomination is the one for me

Beatify me, babe.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:40 PM

5. Me too! :D

Weeeeeee!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:40 PM

6. Forget Monsignor, I'm definitely in, and admire a pastor with a great sense of humor. Gawd bless.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:42 PM

7. Hell, I'm in.

 

Why the hell not?
Am I allowed to use the word Hell?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to nick of time (Reply #7)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:45 PM

13. Fuck yes...(nt)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #13)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:47 PM

16. Fuckin A sweet!!!!!

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:42 PM

8. Have you picked a name for our new church though?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to darkangel218 (Reply #8)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:47 PM

15. That's a VERY good question

I see a chance for naming rights!

Although I like the "Screaming Church of the Epileptic Jesus" (big Mojo Nixon fan)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #15)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:50 PM

19. Lmao!!!!!



That name is perfect!! Omg I finally belong to a church my mom would be prould

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #15)


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #15)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 06:00 PM

82. You had me at Mojo Nixon.

I like this church.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Starry Messenger (Reply #82)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:32 PM

101. Elvis is Everywhere!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:42 PM

9. I'm too far away to attend services.

Could I just send you tithings?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to bluedigger (Reply #9)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:56 PM

21. Ummm....sure.

Cash only. Leave it under the bench at the bus stop.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #21)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:06 PM

24. Unfortunately, I can't get to the bus stop, either.

Why don't you give me your address, and I'll mail you this chicken I have, as soon as I figure out how to wrap it. Maybe a small pig would be better for you? He's house trained.

(I hope this isn't one of those goats and snakes ministries.)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to bluedigger (Reply #24)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:11 PM

25. I hate snakes...

and frankly, I'm not real fond of goats unless they've covered in curry sauce.

And dead. And cooked. You get the picture.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #25)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:15 PM

74. do you require any sort of sacrifice in your church?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:43 PM

10. I'm in! Those bastards in Winnipeg have it coming! nt

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:44 PM

11. Do you take Atheists?

And would you respect my personal relationship with reality?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Control-Z (Reply #11)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:47 PM

17. God knows we do...(nt)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:46 PM

14. Do you accept Papa John's?

I've a glut of those buggers around here.

Oh, and can we hold out on liberating Winnipeg until it's at least above zero there? I don't want to buy a new wardrobe for the crusade.

If we're good on those points, I'm in and you're that much closer to being tax exempt!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Lone_Star_Dem (Reply #14)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:48 PM

18. Actually, the road to hell is paved with Papa John's coupons

Any thing from the frozen foods aisle?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #18)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:41 PM

39. Preach it Reverend Jeff! Or is it Pastor Jeff?

Or grand poopa Jeff? Whatever...you are obviously deserving of your devout followers - and new found tax exempt status - sharing such words of wisdom with your followers.

So, are we putting our crusade on hold or do I have to smoke my visa for some polar worthy wear? Maybe I could just make signs and ship them UPS as my part?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Lone_Star_Dem (Reply #39)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:46 PM

40. I claim the title of "Pandit and Life Coach"

RE: CRUSADES

Canada is out. The Caribbean is in.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #40)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:07 PM

51. Pandit and Life Coach Jeff, you've earned my premium pizza coupons

I'll even check the expiration dates for such a wise and profound spiritual leader as yourself!

We shall bring the word of Jeff to those poor souls trapped on the heathen white sandy beaches with their sinful sunny skies and temperate weather!

I'm starting to feel like a crusader now. A couple of margaritas and I'll be fully in character.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:50 PM

20. me

great thread!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:57 PM

22. Just reassure me I'll not be #13...just hip-pocket my email app before or after...K?

And definitely not on the 13th of March...lord, that's too near the Ides and we'd both be screwed.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to libdem4life (Reply #22)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:17 PM

75. and talk like a physicist day is the 14th.. that might be a conflict too

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:05 PM

23. Winnipeg? No way.

First, it is too big, but more importantly, it is way too far north. It's like 300 miles north of Fargo, for God's sake. Fargo!!! And Moorhead too!

I say we liberate the 14,000 people of Amherstburg.

First, we can come from the north with overwhelming numbers from Detroit, and we can also attack their flank with a pincer move coming across the water from Gibraltar.

I am pretty sure they will greet us as liberators too.

But fifteen members?

How the heck can he afford those 34 dollar dinners, much less a tip?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to hfojvt (Reply #23)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:30 PM

31. Wait. Wait, just a minute. I'm having a vision.

I think the lord is telling me that you'd have to be a friggin' idiot to conquer Canada. The lord is saying....the lord is saying....(fucking Verizon connection)....the lord is saying...that we should conquer St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #31)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:57 AM

111. good call

the temperature right now in Winnipeg is minus 20.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to hfojvt (Reply #111)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 08:08 AM

114. I'm pretty sure the weighed heavily in Yahweh's decision (nt)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #31)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 05:04 AM

112. OK, you converted me with that one.

I'm in. I was teetering earlier because as a Californian, I just don't DO snow so I was having a problemo with that whole Canada thing, y'know? But St. Thomas? I'm in. Ganja, rasta hat, snorkel and flippers. I'm stylin' now, brother.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to hfojvt (Reply #23)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 01:53 PM

119. We in Detroit...

Travel south to get to Canada. Little known fact and hey it's usually warmer the more south you get.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:12 PM

26. Can I be Bishop In Charge of Selling Indulgences and Other Naughty Things?

If so, then I am so in

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LondonReign2 (Reply #26)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:32 PM

34. Get in line...

EVERYBODY wants that job.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:27 PM

27. Branch of Flying Spaghetti Monsters? I'm in.

Do I have to give 10%, or just you?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:27 PM

28. I'm in!!!!


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:28 PM

29. Don't forget housing credit on income taxes.


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:29 PM

30. Do I have to be circumcised?

Just wondering...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Canuckistanian (Reply #30)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:31 PM

32. I dunno...do you WANT to be?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #32)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:52 PM

44. I think Canadians, and only Canadians, MUST be circumcised.



Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to OneGrassRoot (Reply #44)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:01 PM

47. And the foreskins turned into toques

Since the little head thinks for the big head, the least it can do is keep it warm...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #47)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:08 PM

52. I shall follow you anywhere. n/t

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:31 PM

33. Count me in.

Even though I am not much of a joiner.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to ellie (Reply #33)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:32 PM

35. No worries. I suck as a leader.

We'll be just fine together.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:35 PM

36. Rec'd

After an particular difficult day at work, this thread has definitely put a smile on my face!

Love DU!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:37 PM

37. I thought of doing this a long time ago.

I became ordained through ULC just so I could marry one of my closest friends (my sister, by soul) and her partner. Well, that didn't work out (it's a good thing).

Now, I've got this piece of paper and nowhere to go. Years ago, when they threatened Twinkies the first time, I was going to start the Church of the Holy Snack Cake. Not because I like Twinkies, I hate them, but I felt that it was an American tradition and was threatening our freedom or sumthin'.

I'd be willing to be co-pastorette. I'd even be willing to supply the sake (I don't like wine).

Edit: You'll have to drop the Packers thing though. Otherwise, Sundays will be a little tense. /ahem Bears fan.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Wait Wut (Reply #37)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:50 PM

41. Drop the Packers?

Hey, I'm not giving my my real religion for anybody!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Wait Wut (Reply #37)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:52 PM

43. The Church of 15 Minutes already has a Packers/Bears schism!

Time to establish the 1st council of Nicaea? Well, the First Council of Sheboygan has a better ring to it.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to myrna minx (Reply #43)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:01 PM

48. 100 points for having Nicaea, schism, and Sheboygan in the same post! Gotta love DU.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to FailureToCommunicate (Reply #48)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:05 PM

50. I can't WAIT till we start burning heretics

Mostly because it's so damned could up here!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #50)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:10 PM

54. Are Packers fans a 'green' energy source?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to FailureToCommunicate (Reply #54)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:11 PM

55. We won't know till we try...

I suspect all the brandy they've been drinking should be clean-burning.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to FailureToCommunicate (Reply #48)


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:37 PM

38. I'm in

even though I have issues about organized religions! But I would gladly start up a Rocky Mountain chapter over here. And I petition for the liberation of the Alberta Tar Sands, they're too close to the Wood Bison National Sanctuary, like on the other side of the fence! So I think Alberta needs to be liberated... and maybe we can shut down the mining of the world's dirtiest fuel source... that is if it's not too heady a prospect.

None the less, since it's a good cause, I'm in even if you don't like my ideas... just b'cuz.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to 2naSalit (Reply #38)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 06:20 PM

83. I think calling this an organized religion

is a bit of a stretch. It seems highly disorganized.

Ba-dum-tschhhh!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the fish.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to theKed (Reply #83)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 06:31 PM

84. Good point

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:51 PM

42. I'm in!!!





Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 03:55 PM

45. Before I become a card carrying member...I have a couple of questions

1. Regarding that 10% that is supposed to go to God. How exactly do you propose to get that money to God.

2. To you draw an equivalency of 10% of ones income, to 18% on a food tab?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Sheepshank (Reply #45)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:04 PM

49. Your answers

1) Paypal. Everybody has a Paypal account.

2) I try not to draw anything. I just use stock images.




This is me....

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #49)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:26 PM

77. Oh, you is butiful

I'm in. This is so much more enjoyable than the hell and brimstone story.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:10 PM

53. I am in. And I think the services should resemble poker games

where we could study the mysteries of the card decks and make offerings based on those we hold in our hands.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to rurallib (Reply #53)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:12 PM

56. And there would be dogs...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:14 PM

57. This has been fun, but I have to go.

Namaste!

Vaya Con Doritos!

See you at the end of the millennium!

And remember, I'm with you always. Particularly when you're naked in the shower.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:14 PM

58. Are your parishioners permitted to use sacramental marijuana?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jackpine Radical (Reply #58)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:25 PM

60. Thou shalt not bogart.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:25 PM

61. Is this going to be one of those

Free love churches? I've got a drawer full of condoms I thought I'd never get to use.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:25 PM

62. I need fifteen leaders.... I mean liters.....

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to 2on2u (Reply #62)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:18 PM

94. Sacramental BEER!!!

Communion the way it was meant to be!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:25 PM

63. Liberate Medicine Hat and Moose Jaw! Onward Jefftian soldiers!

Jefftian, is that what we call ourselves? Somebody already took Pastafarian. Since you're from Wisconsin, perhaps something cheese-related. Cheddarists? Gouda-nuffs?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to tclambert (Reply #63)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:29 PM

78. LOL I was going to say the same thing....

FREE THE OPPRESSED IN MOOSEJAW!!


Winnipeg has enough problems, particularly being named Winnipeg.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:26 PM

64. I'm in because this is the funniest thread I've read on DU

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:43 PM

68. "Eternal life". Hmmm...I don't think Social Security is going to be happy about that.

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 04:56 PM

69. Bless me

For I am with thee

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:05 PM

70. Where do I sign up?

Sounds much better than the Presbyterian Church I USED to go to, when I was young and brainwashed.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:09 PM

71. As a Catholic, I got a kick out of this!

Tell you what - the pizza coupons will be in the mail.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:12 PM

73. I'm with ya (here's the correct link).

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:21 PM

76. BLASPHEMERS!! BLASPHEMERS!!

You are all going to..... you're going to.....
....well I don't know where in the fuck yall are going...but you're all going to somewhere when you die!

Pass the pipe... amen... thank you Jesus!

Have a blessed day.


Do we have to dress up for service or can I just wear a manskirt and flops???

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SouthernDonkey (Reply #76)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:20 PM

95. You wearing anything UNDER that manskirt?

If not, come one in!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SouthernDonkey (Reply #76)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:20 AM

108. Ramen to that

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SouthernDonkey (Reply #76)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 02:34 PM

121. Wyyyy nothing of course!

I'm only wearing it for the benefit of everyone else. The boys gotta breathe!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:33 PM

79. You had me at

"godawful horrible things"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:54 PM

80. The Church of the Subgenius won't let me leave to join you...

...so sayeth Bob!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to TexasTowelie (Reply #80)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:35 PM

89. Aw, shucks . . . Bob's a reasonable guy.

He'll cut ya some slack . . .

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to CrazyOrangeCat (Reply #89)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:23 PM

97. I've been a member since 1986 so it would be tougher to leave than Katie Holmes ditching Tom.

about the slack comment.

BTW, why don't you have a crazy orange cat as your avatar?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to TexasTowelie (Reply #97)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:28 PM

99. Autumn, the crazy orange cat keeps asking me that, too.

I just like the pic of Groucho. And I have a wee lazy streak . . .

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 06:40 PM

85. Wait! Wait! you're forgetting

about me! Hey....wait....i'm coming....can i come too?....but but but....HEY! CAN I JOIN?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 06:50 PM

86. just use your immediate family or friends and give everyone a 10% tax shelter.

the 10% gets returned as "charitable work among the community and operating expenses."
this can be beer and pizza at game night... for those less fortunate without a 70" flat screen w/o surround sound. or bible study with surf & turf appetizers.

be sure to label yourself as a non-denominational version of any currently accepted religion!
i recommend Christianity as a good front. that way if they deny you, you can claim persecution!

oh, just in case anyone gets the wrong idea... TAX THE CHURCHES ALREADY!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:19 PM

87. So, 75 'DU RECS' ...do we count as a group yet?

I'll get drunk on wine and speak in strange dialects if needed....

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:21 PM

88. When your followers

 

get their own concubines give me a call!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to guardian (Reply #88)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:25 PM

98. The concubine budget is a little tight right now...

This is the best we can do

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #98)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 09:37 PM

104. LOL that's great

 



Oh joyous love of comely girl
Her eyes bright staring wide
With gazing; and she sighed with many sighs
That moved me, and her cheeks were wan and white
Like pallid lilies, and her lips so fair in my sight,
I fell a-weeping, and I cried, 'Sweet youth,
We alone in this fair garden, our hearts alight with mutual flame.'
I am the Love that dare not speak its name.'

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to guardian (Reply #104)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 09:40 PM

105. We do weddings, you know (nt)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:41 PM

90. Are you gonna franchise? nt

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to msanthrope (Reply #90)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:27 AM

110. themonastary.org already does

you would have to file paperwork with your local goverment offices to do weddings.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:42 PM

91. Cool. How about a church circle? We all create our own churches and join each other's

 

respective religions?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Egalitarian Thug (Reply #91)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 09:02 PM

102. Our Lady-Goat of the Wholly Ponzi Scheme

Welcomes all sinners.


I look forward to the transubstantiation of hay into weed.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #102)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:18 AM

107. Works for me

but transubstantiation of hay into weed takes holy lighting and a few months.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to reverend_tim (Reply #107)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 08:41 AM

115. only if your gawd isn't the RIGHT gawd.

The one true diety can handle it faster than a microwaved ramen cup!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:42 PM

92. O Holy Jeff!

I'm in, but yer gonna need a Minister of Music.

And I'm just the grifter, er, I mean pilgrim you need.

Start scheduling those tent meetings! (In the Virgin Islands.)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to CrazyOrangeCat (Reply #92)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 08:22 PM

96. You're on the payroll!

Of course, the Screaming Church of the Epileptic Jesus pays only in good karma. And we validate parking.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Reply #96)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 09:20 PM

103. Ticketers will be violated--I mean, uh,

Violators will be trespassed upon--

No, that's not quite it eitherů

Pass the bong. I gotta think about this.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Thu Jan 31, 2013, 07:47 PM

93. The Kardashian Family are a church

No, for real, they are. They pay zero taxes.

Yet another reason why I'm against tax-exempt status for religious organizations.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 03:21 AM

109. How about 15 men on a dead man's chest?

Would that work?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 05:16 AM

113. Funniest damned thread in a LONG time.

Jeff:

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 11:36 AM

116. As His Most Gracious, Holy, Infallible Keeper Of All Secrets Of The Universe Pope Ikonoklast I,

I Do Hereby Decree:

By the Power invested in Me by all that Is, Was, and Ever Shall Be I declare you Apostate, Heretic, and in Schism from the One, True and Holy Faith and have placed not only Your Eternal Soul in Peril of Damnation, but also the Souls of all those whom you have deliberately misguided into Heresy by your Vile Enticements.


However, My Being All Merciful and Forgiving...


For the Paltry Sum of $129.95, paid in three monthly installments, or $99.95 paid in full up front, We in all Our Graciousness And Mercy shall Absolve you of all Sin against My Divine Authority and welcome you back into My Flock.

Act fast, offer good for the next thirty days only.




All major credit cards accepted. (Only with My pre-approval.)

No Discover cards. (I did say "major" credit cards, mmmk?)

No personal checks accepted. (I'm not falling for trying to cash a bunch of bad checks again, and to all of you that draw a big penis on the "Pay To The Order Of" line, oh, ha ha.)

Cash or valid money orders preferred. (Special Indulgences given to payers in cash.)



So Proclaim I, His Most Holy And Revered Eminence, Pope Ikonoklast I.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 01:24 PM

117. I will follow you unless there is Kool-Aid involved.

I don't do artificial flavors and colors. It's against my religion.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to AllyCat (Reply #117)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 02:57 PM

122. The consumption of non-alcoholic beverages is expressly forbidden (nt)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 01:36 PM

118. I would like to join but I am already a pope, got a card and everything

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Jeff In Milwaukee (Original post)

Fri Feb 1, 2013, 02:19 PM

120. K&R

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread