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Sun Jan 27, 2013, 05:39 PM

8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event

WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/8th-grader-impregnated-during-trip-to-march-for-li,31038/

The Onion nails it yet again.

21 replies, 4273 views

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Arrow 21 replies Author Time Post
Reply 8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event (Original post)
iandhr Jan 2013 OP
TheBlackAdder Jan 2013 #1
sad-cafe Jan 2013 #2
Fire Walk With Me Jan 2013 #19
JesterCS Jan 2013 #3
Sheldon Cooper Jan 2013 #4
Ilsa Jan 2013 #5
Kalidurga Jan 2013 #7
BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2013 #18
glowing Jan 2013 #17
redqueen Jan 2013 #20
Blue_In_AK Jan 2013 #6
nomorenomore08 Jan 2013 #8
Hippo_Tron Jan 2013 #9
trof Jan 2013 #10
krakfiend Jan 2013 #11
lobodons Jan 2013 #12
Cirque du So-What Jan 2013 #13
raccoon Jan 2013 #14
RC Jan 2013 #16
BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2013 #15
tom_kelly Jan 2013 #21

Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 05:41 PM

1. That's a good article.

Totally nailed it (not the girl).

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 05:54 PM

2. it is getting harder to know if it is "The Onion"

 

or if it is real

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Response to sad-cafe (Reply #2)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:46 PM

19. I had to look at the link as well although the last sentence was a bit of a give-away. n/t

 

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 05:59 PM

3. Sadly, at first this article looked true. n/t

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:02 PM

4. Oh my god I was halfway through that story before I realized it was the Onion!

They got me good!

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:17 PM

5. This isn't the Onion. It's reality, just not those names.

Anti-Choice extremists gets pregnant out of wedlock, on church trips, and sometimes by a relative. Sometimes they have abortions to cover it all up, then they resume their loathsome harassment tactics of women needing healthcare.

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Response to Ilsa (Reply #5)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:26 PM

7. So true...

Pregnancy rates among the abstinence only are much higher than among the ones who practice birth control.

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Response to Kalidurga (Reply #7)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:25 PM

18. really! Abstinence Only, no sex ed, lots of camp meetins or whatever they call those fundy services

Where some preacher--who sounds like a late night car dealership hawker--gets believers whipped up on sspectacle, fear and release...........

Geeeeeee. SPECTACLE. FEAR. and. RELEASE.



Sounds just like sex.
Guess when you're that cut off from evolving society, having hysterical public sexual conversion reactions is better entertainment than watching Fux followed by Survivor, MTV and commercials, and bible study.

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Response to Ilsa (Reply #5)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:20 PM

17. Very true about churches and pre-marital sex.

One of my good friends was impregnated by the pastor's son on a Yout Sleepover at the church. Guess they didn't think mixing "their teens" together wasn't the best of ideas. Who would think adolescent teens with the same teen hormones every child seems to get, wouldn't mess around behind their parents backs.

It set her life upside down and the scandal was a harsh sentence on her belly that proves the "crime". Needless to say, she was about the biggest opponent of organized religion having dealt with the ultimate treatment in hypocrisy.

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Response to Ilsa (Reply #5)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:52 PM

20. Yes.

I can't find it funny.

Especially not the part about crippling post-partum depression. The fact that this is reality for so many people is just too sad.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:25 PM

6. The only thing that let me know this is The Onion

is that she wouldn't have known so soon that she was impregnated. This is a very believable scenario. I know because my first sexual encounter was with someone I met at church camp.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:27 PM

8. *sees that it's an Onion article*

*slowly exhales*

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:50 PM

9. I wish I had gone to the March For Life when I was 13

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:54 PM

10. Next stop? Meth lab bust.

I should write for The Onion.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:55 PM

11. wait...what the?

God damn you onion! Dangling from a hook over here.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:56 PM

12. I see a miscarriage coming

spontaneous of course. (eyes roll)

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 06:59 PM

13. Had me going

until I saw the names of the underage impregnee and sperm donor listed in the article. Curse you, Onion!

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:13 PM

14. If that were true, betcha anything she'd get an abortion. nt

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Response to raccoon (Reply #14)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:19 PM

16. A spontaneous one.

 

A legitimate one would never be allowed for them.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 07:14 PM

15. I had no idea this was the Onion.

It's totally believable.


Yeesh. Fucking fascist extremists.

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Response to iandhr (Original post)

Sun Jan 27, 2013, 08:38 PM

21. Please

I hardly ever respond to the many, many articles on DU. But, please make it clear that something is sarcasm from the start. Its just dirty, like The Fox News.

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