NEW WASHINGTON—Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year 2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures recorded in the United States in 2012. “To think that we were concerned about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then, I guess at that point we must have still had some kind of perceivable ozone layer,” Gibson said fondly while reapplying the full-body coat of UV-resistant resin he and his fellow citizens of the 43 contiguous United States wear at all times. “Today, you wouldn’t think twice about a 96-degree day in the middle of February, but a mere decade ago you would look up at the skies waiting for snow. Christ, those were the days, man”….
Once again I have to ask when did the Onion start reporting the news straight? It probably won't be 96 degrees in February any time soon in Minnesota, but it is going to get pretty warm up in here. The trend over the last couple of decades has been warming to the point that one winter I never even broke out my winter coat just layered and not a lot of layers either.