The Onion Weighs In On Guns: Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

[kpete]

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack




SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/

[nadinbrzezinski]

1. LMAO snorted coffee.

[LiberalEsto]

2. I wanna get me an Assault Gorilla

that can fire 100 rounds of bananas a minute.

[TheCowsCameHome]

3. An absolute must if you're going to engage in gorilla warfare.

Get yours today.

[Liberal_in_LA]

4. hee.

[progressoid]

5. Absurd AND accurate.

[pam4water]

6. Wow I want a yellow cheat to win bracelet. Even thought I think cancer is a get out of steroids

free card XD

[tavalon]

7. Well done, onion, well done.

[okaawhatever]

8. Gotta love the Onion.......n/t