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Fri Jan 11, 2013, 07:26 PM

The Onion Weighs In On Guns: Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack




SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/

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Reply The Onion Weighs In On Guns: Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack (Original post)
kpete Jan 2013 OP
nadinbrzezinski Jan 2013 #1
LiberalEsto Jan 2013 #2
TheCowsCameHome Jan 2013 #3
Liberal_in_LA Jan 2013 #4
progressoid Jan 2013 #5
pam4water Jan 2013 #6
tavalon Jan 2013 #7
okaawhatever Jan 2013 #8

Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 07:28 PM

1. LMAO snorted coffee.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 07:44 PM

2. I wanna get me an Assault Gorilla

that can fire 100 rounds of bananas a minute.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 07:59 PM

3. An absolute must if you're going to engage in gorilla warfare.

Get yours today.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 08:00 PM

4. hee.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 09:49 PM

5. Absurd AND accurate.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 10:30 PM

6. Wow I want a yellow cheat to win bracelet. Even thought I think cancer is a get out of steroids

free card XD

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 10:36 PM

7. Well done, onion, well done.

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Response to kpete (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 11:07 PM

8. Gotta love the Onion.......n/t

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