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Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:38 PM

When a friend dies that is younger than you

and the last memories you have of that friendship, weren't exactly great, you tend to remember the good more than the bad despite all that.
The epic parties, the silly hat box drinking game that had that one hat that NOBODY wanted to wear, but everyone had to wear at some point. The foosball table he made that I swear to this day was rigged.
His uncanny impersonations of obscure rockabilly singers. That slop he used to cook up on Sunday mornings that he called "breakfast".

That one Halloween party that got out of hand.


The times we made each other so angry, the other times we made each other laugh so hard it hurt.

He was so talented, an brilliant musician, and an even better carpenter, but he let alcohol destroy him.
He wasn't even 40.

Dammit Rick. RIP my friend.

Yeah...I recognize that this post is to help make ME feel better.
I just have no idea to give my condolences to his widow without sounding like a moron.
And the part that really sucks, for me anyway, is that everyone is in NC, and I can't grieve with them in person.
Fuck. I want to get drunk and cry and laugh with all of them in his memory, in person. And I can't.

And I feel selfish and guilty at the same time for that. WTF? What the hell is wrong with me?

Part of me is like, "well, totally saw that coming", and another part is like, "holy shit, we knew he was bad off, but didn't expect him to die THIS soon!"
Yet another part is like, "we warned him, we totally warned him about this shit, and he didn't listen."
Fuck.

This sucks.

Rick McVicker, you magnificent bastard, I hope you can find the peace in death, you couldn't find in life.

I'm sorry.






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Arrow 32 replies Author Time Post
Reply When a friend dies that is younger than you (Original post)
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 OP
VenusRising Jan 2013 #1
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #32
CaliforniaPeggy Jan 2013 #2
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #18
CaliforniaPeggy Jan 2013 #20
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #22
handmade34 Jan 2013 #3
TuxedoKat Jan 2013 #4
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #8
Raine Jan 2013 #5
Delphinus Jan 2013 #6
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #14
Mnemosyne Jan 2013 #7
FSogol Jan 2013 #9
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #10
nobodyspecial Jan 2013 #11
abelenkpe Jan 2013 #12
Kalidurga Jan 2013 #13
Ken Burch Jan 2013 #15
alittlelark Jan 2013 #16
Beacool Jan 2013 #17
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #19
pacalo Jan 2013 #21
MynameisBlarney Jan 2013 #23
JaneyVee Jan 2013 #24
Hekate Jan 2013 #25
Rowdyboy Jan 2013 #26
rightsideout Jan 2013 #27
LittleGirl Jan 2013 #28
cleduc Jan 2013 #29
RobinA Jan 2013 #31
Whovian Jan 2013 #30

Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:44 PM

1. My heartfelt condolences for your loss.

He sounds like he was a fun guy to be around. May you find solace in your memories of him.

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Response to VenusRising (Reply #1)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 08:30 PM

32. Thank you.

He was indeed a fun dude to be around.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:45 PM

2. What a magnificent, loving obituary for your dear friend...

I have a friend younger than I am, who might very well die before me...I recognize myself in your remarks.

Perhaps you could send this to his widow? She might very well appreciate it...

There's nothing wrong with you. You're grieving and everything is tumbling around inside you, in complete chaos, and that's how it is when you lose someone you loved...

Hang in there, let it play out, write it down if you feel like it. Do what makes you feel better...

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #2)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:03 PM

18. Oh damn

reading that made me tear up all again.
Thank you. *edit* I don't mean that sarcastically, of course.
I've been to too many funerals for people younger than me, and it hurts bad, really fuckin bad. And I hate them, the funerals I mean.
But not being able to go to this particular funeral...fucking sucks.
It's like a punch in the fucking gut.
Sorry for the bad words. I'm just...kinda feelin like cussin right now


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Response to MynameisBlarney (Reply #18)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:19 PM

20. Don't be sorry for the bad words...you need to say them.

I understand, I truly do.

Do what you need to do, take care of yourself.

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #20)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:33 PM

22. Thanks again

I will be fine, I'm worried about my friends wife.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:49 PM

3. hugs

I could have written this about my friend Dennis...

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:50 PM

4. So sorry

for the loss of your friend. What a nice remembrance you wrote about him though. You might consider sharing parts if not all of this with his widow. (((HUGS)))

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Response to TuxedoKat (Reply #4)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:15 PM

8. Yeah, I edited a few parts out

for facebook

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:53 PM

5. My sympathy to you and all who knew and loved him. Two years ago

my cousin who was 6yrs younger than me died from cancer, she was like a kid sister plus a best friend. I thought we would grow old together and that I would go before her. It's still hard to believe she's gone, I have hard time comprehending it.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 09:53 PM

6. {{hugs}}

Sometimes there simply are no words ...

The prayer you uttered was the same one I said when my brother died from the same disease just a bit over two years ago. I feel your pain.

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Response to Delphinus (Reply #6)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:41 PM

14. I know

Last edited Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:26 PM - Edit history (1)

and thanks.
I probably shouldn't have posted that here, but there it is.
I'm kinda drunk and all weepy and snotty right now, and not thinkin very clearly

*edit* I'm sorry for your loss, I couldn't imagine losing my brother, that has to be 10 times worse.


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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:08 PM

7. I'm sorry, MnB.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:17 PM

9. I think the band, Dead Milkmen said it best

"And when my friend and I were done
We went to rest upon the sun
Cause life takes from us the things we love
And it robs us of the special ones
And it puts them high where we can't climb
And we only miss them all the time

And we sing:
Life is shit, life is shit
The world is shit, the world is shit
This is life as I know it
This is life as I know it
This is life as I know it
This is life as I know it
This is life as I know"

by Joe Genaro and Dean Sabatino

Entire song at:


Condolences for your friend.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:24 PM

10. Thanks everyone

I really don't know what to say at this point, I am kinda shell shocked

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:30 PM

11. You can't save people from themselves

and their demons. Just remember the good stuff and let the other crap go. Sorry for your loss.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:32 PM

12. ..

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:36 PM

13. I am so sorry this reminds me of this thread...

I hope it isn't insensitive posting this here. But, this makes me weep for you and the nation.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1016&pid=52726

I want to see a day when we stop burying so many Rick McVickers. Also I want to stop living in fear than my siblings will all die before I do, I am the oldest, I shouldn't have to fact that possibility, but they all have a bad history with drugs and poor health.

I am sorry for your loss. It is tragic on both a personal level and a national one. I think we all need to be a lot more kind to one another and really look at the issues that are taking so many away from us a too young an age.

PS my parents both died in their early 60's and it was completely unnecessary, but after reading that article in the link now I know they lived a longer than a lot of people in similar circumstances.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:44 PM

15. All you need to say to his widow is something like

"I am so sorry for your loss. Rick and I had a lot of good times, and there were other times too, but the good matters more than the bad. I will mourn him and you will both be in my thoughts".

Put it in your own words, but that's more or less what you probably would want to say, I'm guessing. It doesn't have to be stunning eloquence, just the truth of the feeling as that comes to you.

And look, it's death and you're grieving. You don't owe anyone else any explanations for how you do that or what feelings it brings up. Death isn't neat and pain isn't simple. Feel what you'll feel, and find healing in your own time. That's all you can do, really.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 10:44 PM

16. My 44 yr old younger brother almost died this summer...

... sounds like from the same thing. He was lucky enough to be right next to the Portland regional heart center. His nurse told me she had never seen someone come so close to death.....

I'm glad I can tell that story and not yours.

I would be right there w/ you...If I had lost him........

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:02 PM

17. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend.

It's natural to feel so conflicted when someone you care about self destructs. My condolences to you and his family.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:16 PM

19. Seeing their pics on facebook

damn...that's fucking rough.
Most of them are fairly recent, and he looks so damn young.
It ain't fuckin fair

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:27 PM

21. So sorry.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:36 PM

23. I am spent

I can't think anymore right now.
I do VERY much appreciate you all for your support.
But please, don't worry about sending me any prayers or good thoughts, send them to my friends wife and his family. They need them more than i do.
Good night my friends.
And thanks again.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:36 PM

24. That was a beautiful tribute. Hang in there.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:47 PM

25. I am so sorry for your loss. As your friend was a musician, and likely you are as well...

This is one of my very favorites -- makes me cry nearly every time. Tell his widow how much he meant to you in the good times, and how you miss the good times. Take care of yourself...

Hekate

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:51 PM

26. Know how you feel, my buddy Tim was 29 when he drove into a tree after doing cold medication....

He was funny and smart and beautiful.

I'm really sorry about your friend Rick-sounds like someone I would have liked.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 12:01 AM

27. I can relate

I lost my best friend in elementary and jr high school to a self-inflicted gun shot wound.

His family moved away during high school and I hadn't seen him in a couple years. Two weeks before he died he dropped by the house for a visit. He seemed fine. He died way too young.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 12:01 AM

28. I lost someone like that a year ago last summer

He was 50. Drank himself to death. I saw it coming a decade ago so that's why I wasn't his widow. I was married to someone else when he died. I was a wreck for a week. My husband was a saint during my grief. Give yourself that time. Go there if you can. Let it out.
Peace to you and his family.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 05:52 AM

29. Lost my best friend to alcohol years ago

He was 35.

I knew him since he was 4 years old.

He had a photographic memory, a brilliant mind and wonderful sense of humor. He always made me smile and laugh.

His drug and booze habit was the only thing we ever fought over. And that fight lasted on and off about half his life. I couldn't stand to watch him slowly kill himself. We tried everything to stop it but we obviously lost in the worst possible way.

It's been 27 years since he passed.

Periodically, I check new lists of things one can do for alcoholics and drug addicts still trying to figure out where we went wrong. We did everything on those lists - some many times over but it wasn't enough or we didn't do one of them good enough. I'm still not sure where we fell short.

It was the most devastating loss for me in my lifetime. His parents came to my father's funeral 20 years after losing him and tried to assure me they're finally getting over it. But you could see in their eyes they weren't. I've adjusted and coped but I still haven't got over it entirely either. I accept the fact that I never will.

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Response to cleduc (Reply #29)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 08:13 AM

31. There Was Nothing

you could have done. It's a common myth brought on by novels, TV, etc. that if the friends and family can hit on the exact right thing to do or to say, all will be well. This is not the case, and this myth causes a lot of hurt and guilt amongst the survivers. If something somebody says or does seems to suddenly turn someone around, they were probably ready to do it anyway. His problem was bigger than you and it was unlikely to be changed by you, his best qualities notwithstanding. Please take heart that by being his friend you did what you could do. The rest was up to him.

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Response to MynameisBlarney (Original post)

Fri Jan 11, 2013, 05:56 AM

30. Peace to you and him.

 

Destiny's hard sometimes.

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