Fox Looking for New War to Stoke Outrage. “War on Christmas too Short”

“We’re asking our audience for input,” said Irena Briganti, head of Fox News Media Relations. “There’s like ten and a half months when all we have to war on is, logic, poor people, reason, climate change, blacks, immigrants, fair trade, China, clean energy, science, Muslims, nuns, postal workers, teachers, unions, liberals, professors, Obama, the middle class and reality…. We’re in a bind here.”

“What we are asking for is an interim war, not a replacement, of the War on Christmas,” added Stuart Varney. “…Can’t stress that enough. Nothing in the history of mankind can equal, or even come close to, the outrage of a Christian being told, ‘Happy Holidays’ - and we will never forget that. But, you can’t very well wage a War on Christmas in April, now can you? Although we could add Boxing Day to the mix and get another day out of the War on Christmas... but that’s not nearly enough!”

“We’re leaning toward a seasonal theme, maybe,” Ms. Briganti stated, seeming to think out loud. “A War on Summer, tied to global warming,” she said, trailing off for a bit.

“Well, you get the idea,” said Ms. Briganti. “It’s in your hands now. Please send your ideas for a new war to: FOX News Channel 1211 Avenue of the Americas, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10036 Phone: 212-301-3000. You’ll be glad you did. Thank you.”