WASHINGTON óToday, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) released the following holiday letter to the American people:
Dear American People:
Itís Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I wonít mince words. Iíve started drinking a little early this Christmas.
Yes, Iím sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, heíd shit a phone book. But guess what? I donít fucking care anymore.
You see, this will be my last Christmas as Speaker of the House, all because a cabal of Tea Party miscreants in the House of Representatives doesnít think Iím a ginormous enough asshole for their taste. Whoís more to their liking? Virginiaís own Eric Cantor. As a waiter might say at an all-you-can-eat shit buffet, ďExcellent choice.Ē How odious is Eric Cantor? Let me put it this way: when we have to speak to the press, I actually prefer to stand next to Mitch McConnell.
What will life be like under Speaker of the House Eric Cantor? Well, heís the guy who recommended cuts in disaster funding just hours after tornadoes hit Joplin, Missouri. Nice. And it was his ďnever met a dick-measuring contest I didnít likeĒ pathology that helped create last yearís debt-ceiling crisis. You canít put a price tag on a performance like that. Well, actually you can: it cost the country nineteen billion dollars. Starting to miss me already, arenít you? Fuck you.
So have a very Eric Cantor Christmas, America, and as that smug four-eyed sociopath drives the entire nation off the cliff, donít say I didnít warn you. Now leave me alone, God damn you. Damn you all to hell.