False Equivalency Software for the Lazy Pundit on Sale Now!
Do you make your living on television news as a political expert? Do you have your own Sunday morning talk show, or maybe you’re Chuck Todd or David Gregory? Or maybe you just like to sound smart and don’t have the time read anything? Well, have we got a product for you! Instaquivalency!
With Instaquivalency! one can feed any wrong-doing by any Republican into our patented software, and in less time than it takes to say, “War on Christmas” a story about a Democrat is on your monitor. But what if it’s an issue like the Iraq War, or climate change that needs equating? No problem for Instaquivalency! Just give us a headline, and we’ll give you a chance to sound balanced!
That’s right! No more scouring the news reports, or risking picking the incorrect story for your next appearance on CNN. Who hasn’t wondered, “Um, is using a teleprompter as bad as lying about the Iraq War, or should I stick the old standard, ‘But Clinton…?’” And if you’re in a hurry – there’s an app for that! You can find an equivalent story on the cab ride to the studio!
Mountains of evidence, all the science and your own observations about global warming got you down? No worries mate! You have Instaquivalency! Now you can say, “No it’s not,” with the best of them! “The last the 333 months were all warmer than the average 20th century temperature.” Retort: “Glenn Beck and Exxon said it’s not.” Problem solved!
And for you non-pundits out there who love a good talking point, but like to sound smarter than average, Instaquivalency! is perfect for you too. Usually when you say, ‘They’re all crooks,’ or ‘Both sides do it,’ there is nowhere to go. But not now! Imagine you’re at a party and someone says, “The Texas Republicans have come out publically against critical thinking.” You can retort, “Both sides do it,” while you punch in ‘Texas Republicans Thinking’ into the Instaquivalency! app, and out pops, ‘John Wayne Gacy was a Democrat.’ Is it relevant? No, but that’s not the point. The words ‘Republican’ and ‘Democrat’ are equivalent, the rest is filler! Just like on TV!
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