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Fri Dec 14, 2012, 09:50 PM

Once again, The Onion nails it. Fuck it.

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.

All of it, sources added.

“I’m sorry, but fuck it, I can’t handle this—I just can’t handle it anymore,” said Deborah McEllis, who added that “no, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be real.” “Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?”

Continued McEllis, before covering her face with her hands, “Why?”

Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-nation-reports,30743/

13 replies, 2187 views

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Arrow 13 replies Author Time Post
Reply Once again, The Onion nails it. Fuck it. (Original post)
oxymoron Dec 2012 OP
LittlestStar Dec 2012 #1
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2012 #4
LittlestStar Dec 2012 #11
dballance Dec 2012 #6
gateley Dec 2012 #2
undeterred Dec 2012 #3
Skittles Dec 2012 #9
oxymoron Dec 2012 #13
underpants Dec 2012 #5
myrna minx Dec 2012 #7
Posteritatis Dec 2012 #8
csziggy Dec 2012 #10
tex-wyo-dem Dec 2012 #12

Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 09:56 PM

1. Wow. Made me cry. Now every other news source needs to say the same thing!

Why do only The Daily Show, Colbert, and The Onion ever get it???????

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Response to LittlestStar (Reply #1)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:04 PM

4. and Bill Maher.

So at least we know which 4 sources to listen to.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #4)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:20 PM

11. Oops. Forgot about Maher and Maddow. nt

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Response to LittlestStar (Reply #1)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:06 PM

6. +1 Billion

Why is it that the comedy shows report more real new now?

Absolutely NO alleged news network asked Christie the same hard questions Jon Stewart asked him and pissed Christie off on-air for it.

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 09:58 PM

2. Right to the core.

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 09:58 PM

3. Meanwhile MSM will identify the "heroes" for us

and ask some devastated family member to tell us how they are feeling...

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Response to undeterred (Reply #3)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:08 PM

9. I am dreading the pictures of the children

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Response to undeterred (Reply #3)

Sat Dec 15, 2012, 03:22 PM

13. Exactly. nt

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:05 PM

5. THAT is what I am feeling

well done The Onion. Seriously are they the actual credible news source now?

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:06 PM

7. *sob*

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:07 PM

8. That'll probably be the only fully sapient article written on this for the next two weeks. (nt)

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Fri Dec 14, 2012, 10:11 PM

10. Their other headline of today is also good

Right To Own Handheld Device That Shoots Deadly Metal Pellets At High Speed Worth All Of This
December 14, 2012

NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences.

More: http://www.theonion.com/articles/right-to-own-handheld-device-that-shoots-deadly-me,30742/

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Response to oxymoron (Original post)

Sat Dec 15, 2012, 12:19 AM

12. +1000!

It seems the normally tongue-in-cheek, light-hearted The Onion writers are as pissed as we are today.

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