CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of bewildered shoppers inside a local Safeway.
Sources confirmed the filth-covered former presidential candidate walked into the store unannounced early yesterday evening, went to the store’s cereal aisle, and started to play Kid Rock’s “Born Free” on a portable boom box, enthusiastically waving and pointing to no one in particular.
As customers began to recognize the 2012 GOP nominee through his scraggly beard and uncombed hair, Romney reportedly picked up a can of Pringles from a nearby shelf, held it near his mouth, and began loudly addressing the growing crowd of confused onlookers.
“How are we feeling out there, friends?” said Romney, who paused briefly as though waiting for applause from the baffled and completely silent supermarket shoppers. “First and foremost, thank you so much for coming out here today and for your continued support throughout the campaign. We’re making our voices heard across the country—that’s for sure!”
“Together, we’re going to bring some real change to Washington!” added Romney, who staggered slightly as he spoke but maintained his balance.