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Sun Dec 2, 2012, 01:49 PM

Rape Changes Lives, and Often Devastatingly.

Some people have a hard time understanding why women are fearful of being raped, even though it has never happened to them. I could have been one of those people who didn't understand, but something that happened in my own life made it very painfully clear just how much impact a rape can have.

When I returned to college after serving in the USAF in the late 60s, I hadn't been in any real relationships for a couple of years. A college campus is a great place to meet people, and I was looking forward to meeting people and perhaps finding someone who could potentially be a life partner. At one point I thought I had. A fellow student in her 20s and I became good friends. We had some of the same classes, and had many great conversations over a couple of months. We hung around together a lot and were finding lots and lots of areas we had in common. I'm not a person who jumps into relationships, but this one was definitely moving in that direction. We liked each other a lot. That was clear.

But, that relationship never developed beyond that friendship. It tried to, and from both directions. But whenever affectionate displays went on for more than a few minutes, she'd become really anxious. It wasn't me, and I wasn't pushing at all. Finally, we talked about it, because we liked each other and seemed both to want to pursue it. In a very disturbing and emotional conversation, I learned that she had been raped violently a few years before, when she was just a teenager. Despite all the counseling and work she had done since then, she simply could not handle any physical contact that had any sexual component to it. Severe anxiety would set in and there it ended. She believed that she would never recover from the damage caused by that rape and that it would never be possible for her to have a normal sexual relationship with anyone.

We remained good friends until we both graduated and moved on to other places for our careers, but let the romantic relationship drop away. It was too difficult for both of us. I don't know if she ever overcame the crippling anxiety in her life or if she ever found a relationship. It was a terribly sad thing that we were not able to establish what had started. I've always wondered what might have been, except for that rape she underwent. I'll never know, but it's something I still think about from time to time, and it's one of the most troubling situations I've ever been in. Rape is devastating for many people, and it can alter someone's entire life.

That's why it's so important. That's why people need to understand just how important it is. A rape can ruin a life, or even more than one life.

23 replies, 1577 views

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Arrow 23 replies Author Time Post
Reply Rape Changes Lives, and Often Devastatingly. (Original post)
MineralMan Dec 2012 OP
RKP5637 Dec 2012 #1
MineralMan Dec 2012 #2
RKP5637 Dec 2012 #5
MineralMan Dec 2012 #7
GeorgeGist Dec 2012 #15
leftstreet Dec 2012 #3
MineralMan Dec 2012 #4
leftstreet Dec 2012 #6
MineralMan Dec 2012 #9
leftstreet Dec 2012 #12
MineralMan Dec 2012 #13
etherealtruth Dec 2012 #14
Iris Dec 2012 #18
Squinch Dec 2012 #19
Melinda Dec 2012 #11
mzmolly Dec 2012 #21
smirkymonkey Dec 2012 #8
MineralMan Dec 2012 #10
angstlessk Dec 2012 #16
renate Dec 2012 #22
Odin2005 Dec 2012 #17
flvegan Dec 2012 #20
Manifestor_of_Light Dec 2012 #23

Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:07 PM

1. Did she have any counseling afterward to try to help her work through her

feelings. It seems she might have been scarred for life and that's so sad this goes on, that she might not ever have been able to develop a relationship.

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Response to RKP5637 (Reply #1)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:11 PM

2. Yes. She had been in counseling since the time of the rape.

She said that it had helped some, but had not made it possible for her to get involved sexually in a relationship. I don't know if she ever managed to work through the whole thing, since we lost touch with each other not long after graduation. I certainly hope so. Not everyone does, though, I've since learned. Everyone has many potential partners out there, so I hope she was able to find a path to that. That's the thing that still troubles me after all these years. I've tried to locate her to see how her life has gone, but haven't been able to. She had a fairly common name.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:29 PM

5. I really never realized there were so many people with the same name until I've

tried to locate people via the internet, I've been amazed at how many people share the same name.

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Response to RKP5637 (Reply #5)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:35 PM

7. Yup. I have a common name, too.

If you know what I look like, you can find me on Facebook, but other than that, it would be very difficult. There are thousands of people with my name.

It's even harder with women, if they change their name after getting married. Sometimes, though, they'll post a maiden name on Facebook so their old friends can find them, but if that was a common name, too, it can be hopeless.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 04:43 PM

15. If you really wanted to find her ...

you could ask the alumni office at your alma mater to send her a message on your behalf. I've done it several times.


Alma maters are very, very, very good at keeping in touch with their alumni.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:22 PM

3. Could someone PM me when DU Rape Week is over?

Jesus Jumping Christ on a Pogo Stick

Sexual assault is a serious issue, one worthy of a protected DU Group

These constant 'rec-me!' anecdotal GD threads are only encouraging the assault apologists, and clearly causing distress for some members

I'm outta here

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #3)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:24 PM

4. They're easy enough to skip, if you read the titles.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #4)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:34 PM

6. The apologists and freaks aren't skipping them

That's the point.

Lobby for a protected group then you can join and post anecdotes to your heart's content.

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #6)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:36 PM

9. I can post them anyhow. Why should such things be hidden away

in some protected group? You don't like them, apparently. So, it would be your choice whether to click them or not, wouldn't it? GD is full of OPs on subjects that don't interest me. I don't click on those threads. Problem solved.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #9)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:43 PM

12. Your ladyfriend might disagree

Did you get her permission to reveal her confidential story?

(assuming she's even real)


LOL you know what? Forget it. Knock yourself out. I wait breathlessly to hear about all the women in your life who didn't want to have sex with you

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #12)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:50 PM

13. What happened is not in any way attached to anyone's name.

I've revealed nothing, since you don't know who she was.

But, thanks for your permission. I guess.

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #12)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 03:21 PM

14. It is a common story

One that can be attached to many women, in many different decades ... my friend of 45 years killed herself on August 28th of this year ... an event (sexual assault) around the age of 20 changed her forever ... she was able to have sex again ... however, she was terrified of being alone for the remainder of her life.

I must be lying , as well.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #9)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 06:50 PM

18. They shouldn't be hidden away. Some people just need to grow the f--- up.

Thanks for fighting the good fight, MM.

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Response to Iris (Reply #18)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 10:45 PM

19. +1

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #6)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:42 PM

11. I was NOT going to post in this thread, however! Some of us who have survived rape(s) are reading.

and I for one am appreciative to MM for his perspective and sensitivity.

YMMV, however you can and should trash the thread if it offends/hurts/harms you.

MM - I said I wasn't going to post; so much for intentions.

Thanks again.

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Response to leftstreet (Reply #3)

Mon Dec 3, 2012, 12:26 AM

21. How about someone PM-ing you when rape

is a thing of the past, instead?

Cheers.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:36 PM

8. Thank you so much MM for your thoughtful post.

What a tragic story. It's amazing that some people can't see the genuine harm caused by rape and just dismiss the topic as female hysteria.

When will women's rights become human rights?

Also, I want to thank you for your kind, supportive posts on other threads. They are very much appreciated.

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Response to smirkymonkey (Reply #8)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 02:38 PM

10. I'm sure it's a story that could be told by very many people.

Nobody should have to go through such a thing. As for me, I found relationships, so I'm not the one who was injured. It still makes me sad, though. Who knows what might have been, but wasn't.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 04:52 PM

16. I was raped when I was 11 years old...my mother told me to 'wash that filth off your body'

I blamed myself..though at 11 I was hardly to blame

I was sent to a psychiatrist, and I remember feeling like a miniature human in the chair in his office...

I was only offered about 6 months treatment...but to this day...what happened to me is a scar on my psyche and will be forever..cause it was not dealt with at the time...

The rapists did serve time in jail...I was at the trial and they lied about what happened...

And...when I was about 19 and worked at a retail store the rapist and his family came into the store and bought a bunch of stuff..then sent their youngest boy back to return the items...and I thought...he recognized me..and this was torture...but in thinking about who that person was and is...

He sent his son to return only MOST of the items....and stole the rest...he did not even care or recognize me...it was just his usual scam!

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Response to angstlessk (Reply #16)

Mon Dec 3, 2012, 12:38 AM

22. I am so sorry about all of this

You were so young and you should have been able to rely completely on the adults in your life, but you were let down. Your rapists (and I have to admit, I missed the plural the first time I read this... oh, how horrible...) lied in court in front of you. And suddenly to have it all brought back, not just in your mind but in real life, when you were 19... it's all just awful. I am so sorry.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 06:21 PM

17. K&R

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Sun Dec 2, 2012, 10:55 PM

20. Even attempted rape can do that.

Not to diminish from your OP, which I'm glad you posted. I was party to a certain event where a female friend of mine and I were at a party and someone attempted to rape her. Long story short, she wasn't the same after that. Neither was he, but that's another story.

I still think of her and hope she's well. She was a good friend.

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Response to MineralMan (Original post)

Mon Dec 3, 2012, 02:16 AM

23. Sexual assault of any kind is devastating. Does not have to be rape.

and then imagine a District Attorney who refuses to prosecute.

Doesn't that make a victim feel like she does not matter, that she is not important, that she is not believed?


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