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Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:02 PM

My hubby & I made approx same salary for 17 years

I was laid off Oct 11.

I have applied for over 60 jobs since, and there is one good chance 90 minutes from here. I have told him I would take it if offered, as the salary is what I made before.

Tonight he was ranting about expenses, even though we have refinanced the house (dropping the payment from 2k to 500), and cancelled cable. All bills can now be covered on his salary.

Tonight he broughtt up expenses and I said we havebdone all we can, let's wait til January when hiring should pick up to discuss it. He was furious.

He said there's the door.

It was bad. Did he only love me as long as I earned pretty much what he did? 18 years....

64 replies, 3563 views

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Reply My hubby & I made approx same salary for 17 years (Original post)
peacebird Nov 2012 OP
LineReply ~
Lars39 Nov 2012 #1
peacebird Nov 2012 #3
brush Nov 2012 #49
southerncrone Nov 2012 #55
virgogal Nov 2012 #2
WinkyDink Nov 2012 #4
southerncrone Nov 2012 #57
WinkyDink Nov 2012 #63
TwilightGardener Nov 2012 #5
narnian60 Nov 2012 #6
Illinoischick Nov 2012 #7
riderinthestorm Nov 2012 #8
peacebird Nov 2012 #11
elleng Nov 2012 #17
elleng Nov 2012 #9
Beacool Nov 2012 #24
elleng Nov 2012 #34
Beacool Nov 2012 #53
elleng Nov 2012 #59
ohheckyeah Nov 2012 #10
abelenkpe Nov 2012 #12
roody Nov 2012 #13
Sheldon Cooper Nov 2012 #14
elleng Nov 2012 #16
Sheldon Cooper Nov 2012 #21
etherealtruth Nov 2012 #15
LeftyLucy22 Nov 2012 #18
hrmjustin Nov 2012 #19
LeftyLucy22 Nov 2012 #35
rurallib Nov 2012 #20
Beacool Nov 2012 #22
peacebird Nov 2012 #27
Beacool Nov 2012 #28
LiberalFighter Nov 2012 #36
Beacool Nov 2012 #38
Sherman A1 Nov 2012 #61
loudsue Nov 2012 #60
Hippo_Tron Nov 2012 #23
Whisp Nov 2012 #25
Smilo Nov 2012 #26
letemrot Nov 2012 #29
Squinch Nov 2012 #30
LiberalAndProud Nov 2012 #31
peacebird Nov 2012 #37
Nye Bevan Nov 2012 #32
nadinbrzezinski Nov 2012 #33
badhair77 Nov 2012 #39
Michigan Alum Nov 2012 #40
senseandsensibility Nov 2012 #41
peacebird Nov 2012 #43
senseandsensibility Nov 2012 #47
LiberalFighter Nov 2012 #42
Liberalynn Nov 2012 #44
Baitball Blogger Nov 2012 #45
gollygee Nov 2012 #46
TheOther95Percent Nov 2012 #48
panAmerican Nov 2012 #50
quakerboy Nov 2012 #51
ismnotwasm Nov 2012 #52
kentuck Nov 2012 #54
WillyT Nov 2012 #56
bluestate10 Nov 2012 #58
aadhirasharma4 Nov 2012 #62
CanonRay Nov 2012 #64

Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:05 PM

1. ~

So sorry you're hurting,peacebird.

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Response to Lars39 (Reply #1)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:07 PM

3. Thanks Lars39

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Response to Lars39 (Reply #1)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 11:07 PM

49. Sounds like he doesn't appreciate you

If all he's interested in is someone to share the bills with, think seriously about his lousy "there's the door" comment as you continue your job search. When you get the job, and you will, take his advice then suit him for divorce because it will always be in the back of your mind that he was willing to call off a long marriage because you had the temerity to be unemployed for a whole two months. You will at lease get half the house, maybe the whole thing. Any man that says something like that to his wife and is not willing to support her through hard times is not much of a man.

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Response to brush (Reply #49)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:17 AM

55. Ditto x 100,000,000!

He's a jerk. Run for the door as soon as you are able to stand on your own. Perhaps 90 miles is a good distance from him.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:07 PM

2. I found your post painful. I divorced after 27 years and money was

the issue.

I was also shown the door,but I was the one that ended the marriage and kept the house.

I wish you well.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:07 PM

4. People can say awful things they don't mean, when they are under duress. He loves you.

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Response to WinkyDink (Reply #4)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:19 AM

57. People say things they are THINKING when under duress.

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Response to southerncrone (Reply #57)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 06:27 AM

63. How encouraging to the OP.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:07 PM

5. What does he think you should do? Is he cracking under

the strain of carrying the financial burden now? Sometimes stress just seems to bring out the worst in people. Maybe you two should cool off and then have a long talk--you don't sound like you're on the same team for the time being.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:08 PM

6. Heartless b------d.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:09 PM

7. Wow!! HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:09 PM

8. I have no answers to your specific problems but hope that after 18 yrs its not solely about the $$

This economy is wreaking havoc on so many levels....

I am so sorry for the crazy stuff going on at your house.

Hope you find a new job quickly (and can resolve your marital spat even more quickly)

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Response to riderinthestorm (Reply #8)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:13 PM

11. Thanks Rider, sometimes venting helps.

We have not had a real arguement in over a decade....

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Response to peacebird (Reply #11)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:23 PM

17. That sounds very hopeful, peacebird.

Check Sheldon's reply below.
Best of luck.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:11 PM

9. VERY sorry, peacebird.

I had a somewhat similar situation 6+ years ago, but I had made more than he for many years; my pay decreased, his emotional cruelty increased, he finally hit me, I had him arrested, moved out, and have been separate ever since.

Don't know about 'love,' as he's written me an occasional note saying 'I really do love you,'
but his behavior was been more significant, imo.

Sounds like there may be something else going on, and I wonder what it might. Do you have any ideas what it might be?

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Response to elleng (Reply #9)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:41 PM

24. That's not love, it's control and manipulation.

I hope that you don't fall for his B.S. I'm sorry that you had to go through such a bad situation.

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Response to Beacool (Reply #24)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:58 PM

34. Thanks, beacool.

Never will. Spent real $ on separation and settlement, getting me $ he owed from sale of our house. Invested now.

Was pretty bad. We have 2 daughters (24 and 27,) both emotionally affected by that crap. One is getting over it; not sure about the other, who seems to have some of his undesirable qualities.

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Response to elleng (Reply #34)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:14 AM

53. I'm glad that you got away from him.

Abusers are manipulative and cowards. I'm sorry that your daughters went through the ordeal too. I hope that the girls seek therapy if they need to (particularly the one who has some of her dad's bad qualities).

Peace of mind is a great thing. Take care.

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Response to Beacool (Reply #53)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:52 AM

59. Thanks again.

Am quite concerned about older, and holding breath about her seeking therapy which I've thought she needs for some time.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:11 PM

10. It sounds like he is stressed out

but I'm sure you are as well. Sorry you are going through this.

Would you consider a work from home job that wouldn't give you a big salary but would add a couple of hundred or so a month?

Is the lack of cable adding to him being upset? My husband can live without a lot of things but the cable would cause him considerable grief because of sports. I don't mean to be trite - but if I could no longer afford or get any books to read or had to do without Internet I would be stressed!

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:13 PM

12. I'm so sorry!

I hope you can work things out and that you can find a job you enjoy without so long of a commute. Sometimes I worry my hubby feels the same.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:14 PM

13. So very sorry

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:16 PM

14. My shallow, trite answer would be to take the job

that's 90 minutes away, and move there. Without your husband. I don't know if he had a momentary lapse due to stress, or if this is part of a pattern. Sucks either way. I hope things get better.

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Response to Sheldon Cooper (Reply #14)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:21 PM

16. I like that idea,

and would suggest staying over there 4 nights unless/until he begs return; even so, 90 minutes a big strain, + gas. I don't think your answer is shallow or trite, but rather practical.

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Response to elleng (Reply #16)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:37 PM

21. Thanks. I think by calling it shallow and trite I was just

trying to convey that I know nothing about the state of their marriage, whether this is a freak incident or if it's more of the same old stuff. So advising someone to flat out move away is admittedly kind of a knee-jerk response, even if it's what I'd be tempted to do.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:19 PM

15. Stress and financial struggles can really bring out the worst in people

I am really sorry. Hoping this is just a blip (a miserable blip) and that all will be well.

i am so sorry

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:33 PM

18. Awww hugs!

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Response to LeftyLucy22 (Reply #18)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:34 PM

19. Welcome to DU!

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Response to hrmjustin (Reply #19)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:59 PM

35. Thanks! Good to be here!

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:36 PM

20. terrible shame. When you should pull together, you

are pulling apart.
I got no advice. Just hope it all works out. Stress can do terrible things.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:39 PM

22. I'm terribly sorry, Peacebird.

Financial problems have destroyed many a marriage. The question is whether this is aberrant behavior or is he normally verbally abusive when he's under stress? Were there similar outbursts before you were laid off? Is this how he reacts on a regular basis? If the answer is yes, then there are other problems in your marriage besides finances. Hopefully you can have an honest talk after you both calm down.

I'm sorry that he talked to you that way. I'm sure that you're stressed enough as it is. I hope that you have someone close to you who knows both of you and can give you some objective advice.

Best of luck!!!



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Response to Beacool (Reply #22)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:42 PM

27. We have not had a huge arguement like this for over a decade. We love & appreciate each other.

Or at least we did....

Hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh start.

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Response to peacebird (Reply #27)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:48 PM

28. OK, so this is not his normal behavior.

When he calms down have a good talk and see if he tells you what he really fears. Does he fear that he too may lose his job and is afraid of losing your home? Either way, he needs to understand that it isn't fair to take out on you and that he hurt you. You two are in this together for better or worse. If you're a couple, then you either sink or swim as one.

I hope that it all works out for you.

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Response to Beacool (Reply #28)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:01 PM

36. I agree...

both need to sit down and find out what is happening. This time of year might also be a factor. If he is willing to talk about it and listen to what she has to offer on her end which it would appear she is already doing. Considering that she might be working further away might be an issue that makes him feel threatened and also likely require him to make some sacrifices too. Too difficult to determine without knowing the particulars.

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Response to LiberalFighter (Reply #36)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:06 PM

38. Yes, it's difficult to determine without knowing the details or the people involved.

But communication is the main factor in any relationship, that and respect for the other person. Some people treat their loved ones in ways that they would never think of treating a stranger. Hopefully they can have a good talk and iron out their problems.

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Response to Beacool (Reply #38)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 04:16 AM

61. Agreed

But, I would also start formulating a plan to go it alone. This is a terribly bad situation.


I cannot for the life of me even think that I would do such a thing to my wife. She has been out of medical leave for 6 months for two surgeries and about to return to work for which she is really not ready to do, but feels she must do so to keep her job. I fully expect that in a few months they will find another reason to let her go, but we will see. No matter what we will figure out the money, even if it means just my income. She is first and foremost my wife, everything else is somewhere else down the line.

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Response to peacebird (Reply #27)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 02:11 AM

60. peacebird, I wish you the very best.

Marriage is a truly complex relationship, and can be every bit as wonderful as it can be devastating. My husband and I have each, at different times, said things we later wished we could take back. We have forgiven each other, which is why we are still together. Forgiveness is not always easy to come to, but it helps if the other person wishes you would forgive them.

There could be any number of reasons he lashed out, that probably even HE doesn't totally understand. I do hope you have a swift and peaceful resolution to this hurtful scene. The holidays usually bring additional stress to anything that is simmering.

I wish you the very best, and send you a big hug.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:41 PM

23. Financial stress is cause to get upset, but not say "there's the door"

First of all, you've been out of work for less than 2 months and you've applied for plenty of jobs, so you're doing all you can.

I can see how he might get very upset about the situation in general. I'd try maybe talking to him about what he suggests cut back on. Not that there necessarily is anything else you can cut back on, but sometimes it just helps people to talk out the situation and have someone listen to them.

Of course I would do that AFTER he apologizes for saying "there's the door".

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:41 PM

25. omg that must hurt. I am soooo sorry.

i don't know what to say except people say some really awful and stupid things under pressure.

I really hope things work out for you.

Such a sad, hurtful world sometimes.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:41 PM

26. All I can offer is hugs

sending you lots of hugs and wishing you peace.

Hang tight - when things have calmed ask him if he is worried about losing his job.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:49 PM

29. I am so sorry.

 

I don't have any words.. Eerily, my wife was fired the same day. She actually made more than me; but my salary is enough right now. I wouldn't leave her over that even if we REALLY have to downsize. BUT the stress has prompted some angry arguments with hurtful comments from both sides. I just go outside.. And smoke (big expense, I know) and we both cool off. I wish you all the best. And my thoughts and prayers; if you wish, are with you.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:50 PM

30. I hope the outcome is whatever is best for you.

It sounds like a bad one, where you either go forward or realize that things are different from what you thought they were. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:53 PM

31. He may want to take back what he said later.

But now in the back of your mind you will always be aware that the door is still there.

Having enough to pay the bills is always a comfort. Trying to figure out which bill will wait the longest grinds you down and reduces you to little more than a too-small checking account. After 18 years of marriage, we hope for more. While I understand your husband's rage, it's hard to forgive that he is directing it at you. I think you have the instincts to make it through this, wherever that leads. Sometimes it can lead away from the tyranny of money. Sometimes it can lead in other directions. At least, that has been my experience.

The two of you need to talk. You know that, right? I wish you the best, peacebird. Truly, I hope the job you need comes soon.

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Response to LiberalAndProud (Reply #31)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:04 PM

37. Thank you. I hope the Richmond job comes though, tho it is not one I want.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:56 PM

32. Please, please go for couples' counseling.

There is every chance that you can work through this.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 09:56 PM

33. Hugs

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:08 PM

39. When my husband lost his job some time ago, there was

tremendous stress and a lot of hurtful words. Money worries seemed to never stop. Eventually we made it thru that ordeal. I'm hoping you can also. It sounds as if he's feeling a lot of pressure and doesn't know how to handle it. I hope you can weather that same stress and find a great job. 18 yrs is a long track record. That sounds like a positive thing. Sending you my best wishes.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:11 PM

40. During a crisis, sometimes you find out how strong your relationship is. I hope things work out.

Whatever the result is. maybe he doesn't realize how hard you are looking for a job. It must be very hurtful to see someone you thought you knew act that way. So sorry. Sometimes things have a way of working out for the best.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:11 PM

41. How long has it been since he said this?

We all (unfortunately) say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. But if he doesn't clear the air after a reasonable length of time, the issue may be more serious. Regardless, it doesn't sound as if you did anything wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this, peacebird.:

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Response to senseandsensibility (Reply #41)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:20 PM

43. Just before 8 this evening... I hope he will be more himself tomorrow......

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Response to peacebird (Reply #43)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:33 PM

47. So it hasn't been long at all.

Yes, I hope he is more himself tomorrow, but IMHO you two need to have a serious talk. I'm sure you know that already. I'm thinking positive thoughts for you. Remember, this is not your fault. That's a difficult one for me sometimes, even when I KNOW it's true.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:13 PM

42. There needs to be flexibility in the marriage.

Hopefully both of you can figure out how to handle this bump. I would think he would be jumping for joy if you found a job with about the same salary even though it requires more ride time.

One suggestion is get a different perspective presented to both of you about what you are going through. Sometimes when I am making major or even minor decisions I try to ask others to see what they think about it. Either my original decision stands or I find something I didn't think about and might change it.

You both apparently have already made some adjustments that involve mostly financial.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:22 PM

44. So sorry

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:23 PM

45. I'm sorry you're going through this bad time.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:24 PM

46. Oh wow

Much love! I hope things work out in whatever way is best for you.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Mon Nov 26, 2012, 10:39 PM

48. I'm afraid some people have maladaptive responses to stress

If his response tonight was atypical, than I would wait for him to calm down and make amends. My advice is different if this isn't the first time he's been verbally abusive. If that's the case, I say take the job and leave him behind. Life is too short to live with someone who doesn't love and cherish you as you deserve to be my friend.

I made that decision in 1999. I rarely argued with my former husband since I knew his family of origin had not taught him how to argue fairly. Anyway, we got into an argument about money and he punched me in the face. That did it for me. I have never regretted the divorce.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 12:48 AM

50. My hugs and prayers to you... but take the door of opportunity

At first I thought you said you were laid of in October of 2011 - upon re-reading I see it was October 11. In the short time since, it seems that you accomplished two important things: you radically reduced expenses, and applied relentlessly for new jobs.

Giving you an ultimatum so soon after a jarring event is not fair at all, even if he is scared of what the future holds. He's the man, and he has to buck up and support you through this...and I say this as a woman who far out-earns her hubby.

The fact that you haven't fought this badly in a long time is not necessarily a good thing. Some people are very passive and avoid confrontation, because it's scarier than dealing with the problems. Therefore when the stress comes out, it's super, super ugly.

Take the new job, if offered, and rent a room nearby. Live there during the workweek, or permanently if your husband continues to be obstinate. A lot of people do this, so don't let the idea scare you. At the very least, it will give you some emotional distance and perspective about his attitude, and help you thoughtfully evaluate how you want to move forward.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:08 AM

51. I am sorry

I don't know what the future holds for you, but I understand that has got to be extremely scary. Questioning the solidity of a relationship, even a much shorter one, is a bit foundation shaking if you have assumed it was a safe part of your life. I hope that all is well and this is merely a strange misunderstanding.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:12 AM

52. Ouch

Probably frustrated. We often take it out on our nearest and dearest.


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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:15 AM

54. A change in finances can create a lot of problems sometimes...

It sounds like you both might need a heart to heart talk?

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:19 AM

56. (((((((peacebird)))))))



Peace...

I have more to say... but not my place.


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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 01:29 AM

58. You know the man better than we do. Is this remotely expected from him? He could be under some

form of stress that he is keeping from you. Let things calm down for a few hour and ask him about what is bothering him.

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 06:24 AM

62. Spam deleted by OKNancy (MIR Team)

 

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Response to peacebird (Original post)

Tue Nov 27, 2012, 08:04 AM

64. I won't comment on your husbands behavior

because I don't know him, other than to say he owes you a gigantic apology. I just feel bad for you. Hope you get that job soon and can make a good decision about your future.

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