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Sat Nov 3, 2012, 10:11 AM

 

Dear Red States:

Fair Trade
Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving: "legitimate rape" is almost reason enough!

Those of us in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opry Land.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get 2/3 of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Citizens of the Enlightened States of America

8 replies, 3439 views

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Arrow 8 replies Author Time Post
Reply Dear Red States: (Original post)
Whovian Nov 2012 OP
Flashmann Nov 2012 #1
hedda_foil Nov 2012 #2
lonestarnot Nov 2012 #3
Sekhmets Daughter Nov 2012 #4
slampoet Nov 2012 #5
treestar Nov 2012 #6
DuckBurp Nov 2012 #7
DarleenMB Nov 2012 #8

Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 10:17 AM

1. Very nice!!

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 10:32 AM

2. I love, love loooooooooove it. knr

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 10:33 AM

3. What the fuck is wrong with you? Throwing me over as a single mom? You take that back!

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 10:47 AM

4. Harvard and Yale are Ivy League universities....

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 11:00 AM

5. The Red states get every major music center to make a genre of music in the USA

Except for the Bronx.

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 11:05 AM

6. This would only work if people then moved to their

country of politics - progressives in red states moved to the ESA and knuckle draggers moved to the Confederacy. The minorities would still have big effects.

The irony is that it would be certain that Red State USA would not be the most powerful militarily. They could pray all they want but the technology requires brains.

They'd give each state so much power that the nation as a whole could barely cooperate to form a national military.

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 11:10 AM

7. Yes, but we in the RS will have the George W. Bush Presidential Library

here in Dallas and the associated "think tank." That makes up for all the things you listed.

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Response to Whovian (Original post)

Sat Nov 3, 2012, 12:19 PM

8. Why thank you so much

for dissing me and the rest of the few Democrats living in Wyoming, and the ones living in Colorado, Montana and the rest of the "red" states. It's nice to know that you think that everyone who lives here is a moran.

It's nice to know that polite discourse in an attempt to steer someone your way isn't dead either.

Oh and we get Yellowstone. so pfbbbbbt

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